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Need to "talk"
April 1, 2003
12:21 pm
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Anonymous
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I wrote The Chopping Block post below. I don't think many people really even read it, and I don't blame anyone. I just really need to "talk"...vent...whatever. I have this constant knot in my throat like I could just cry at the drop of a hat. It's mixed with anger, frustration, disappointment, resentment -- downright hatred.

I woke up this morning and wanted to snap the head off a little bird singing outside my window.

People walk by my cube and say "Good morning!" or "Hello! How are you this morning?" and I just want to smack them with a 2 x 4.

Self-hatred. I have a ton of that right now. I'm ugly. I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm depressed. My face keeps breaking out from stress. It does nothing to help my self-esteem. And all I really want to do is wake up, shower, get ready for work without seeing a single zit in the mirror on my face. I want to slip on my work clothes and have them fit just right. I want to walk out of my new apartment with a spring in my step and a whistle on my tongue -- and it's just not happening.

The relationship. I talk big, but I don't really want to let go. I want to sit down with the guy I'm dating and discuss how I feel. I want to ask him where he thinks we're headed. I want to know if he's just using me or if he really likes me for who I am -- and wants to be with me. He knows I've always dated 'bad boys' in the past. Perhaps he tries to adjust his behavior to fit that. He's certainly coming off as a jerk. But I want a nice guy for a change. I want someone who truly cares -- someone who is genuine -- someone who will treat me the way I would treat them.

The funny thing is, I get so upset over this guy's attitude, yet his attitude is what breeds mine to be just as horrible. It's a vicious cycle. If I brought his attitude up to him, he'd probably just throw it back at me. He'd have every reason to.

I wish I could be perfect. I'm a perfectionist at heart, and it makes for a miserable existence. I'm hyper-sensitive. I'm probably co-dependent. I'm a little obsessive compulsive. Shit. No wonder he doesn't treat me like a princess. I have a best friend who does though -- and I've kind of set the bar at that for now. He fulfills me in ways my boyfriend never could -- yet he could never be my boyfriend because he lacks too much in other areas.

I want to show the best sides of myself -- be seen in a happy, upbeat, positive light. When I feel that way, I don't have a man to show it to. When things are going downhill, I find myself involved with someone. When can I show someone I care about that inner and outer light? It's always wasted on my own private moments, and then I get to thinking too much and get all dark again.

I want to vomit.

The dreaded "where do you see us going" conversation. It's inevitable. We've talked like this once -- maybe twice -- but we were both so lit that it didn't make any sense. I don't want to be a time-filler. I want to be valued. I want this relationship to be real -- not just sleeping together, partying and then exchanging sarcastic quips and witty banter in our free hours.

I'm always the aggressor with this guy. This role is a first for me. I'm used to being the one who is led to the oasis. I've never had to push from behind before. Perhaps it's me. I find when I ease up and open myself up, he does, too. See? There I go again. It's all my fault.

Self-hatred. I can't stand this. What is my deal? I can be fun. I can be happy. I can be interesting. What the hell is wrong with me?

April 1, 2003
12:50 pm
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I read this and want to re-read with more time...and talk. c-ya later.

April 1, 2003
1:21 pm
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I hear you loud and clear Mckenzie. So you want to be perfect, eh? Well, GET IN LINE is all I have to say. Perfection certificates get passed out once per quarter and you'll just have to wait until they are offered again. *grin* Oh yeah, supply is limited, and there's no guarantee you'll get one no matter how long you stand here.

So, in the mean time, what do you do with that imperfect yet wholly wonderful self of yours? Whose expectations are you trying to live up to? What does your gut say about this guy and "where you are going"? You feel like you are going downhill when you are matched up, so maybe that's telling you something, perhaps that you haven't grounded yourself enough yet to survive the intensity of a relationship, yet you aren't willing to just roll over and become someone else just for the sake of having a partner. Your internal conflict is telling you that loud and clear.

Well, there is one thing that you do have control over, guy or no guy, and that is caring for your body. You mention that you want your clothes to fit better. How about joining a gym, or getting some workout videos, just commit to one month of working out every week day. If you hate it after a month, quit. You will want to drink lots of water when you work out, which in turn will help your skin. It will feel good to do something for yourself, and will help you put all of your other tiny flaws back into perspective when compared with all of the larger great things about yourself as a person.

What do you think for a start?

April 1, 2003
3:04 pm
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Hey Gingerleigh -

I guess I should clarify. The whole 'being fat' thing is in my head. It's almost like a body dismorphic thing where I see something other than what everyone else sees. The fact is that I am a marathon runner, and I get tons of exercise (and more than my share of water!), but I never look 'right', in my opinion. People tell me I'm skinny or petite, and I just want to laugh. That's a whole separate issue, I suppose -- something I need to work on when it comes to perceiving myself. I don't know. I appreciate your words though. I think I'm just in a total funk, and I need to pull myself out of it. Simple as that.

Thanks. I appreciate your support and thoughts.

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