Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Need to let go of my past
November 5, 2001
2:47 am
Avatar
black-eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi all,
Black african female here. :o)
I have a major problem with my anger. It started as a teenager. Im sure we all went through rejection in our teenage days (when u want a guy/girl and he/she just doesn't). I guess it really affected me because I have an older sister who is beautiful, and she seemed to get most of the attention.
Well, I managed to grow out of my external anger, but I have alot of internal anger, especially with my current boyfriend. I am very angry for the things he has said to me in the past. He once said I wasn't his type, which really killed me inside. He didn't know how much anger it caused me until recently, and he is so repentant, but I can't trust him anymore in terms of that, coz I know what his "type" is... light skinned, long hair, beautiful, like his ex. He tells me Im the one for him, that I have changed many things about him. Granted. I do see the changes, I mean, he is not what he used to be, but this is the one thing I can't get over. I dont know if I will ever forgive him for the things he said. I am a very angry human being, although I dont lash out at people, I do treat him negatively. I know he truly loves me, but my pride might just let him go if Im not careful. If u have any opinions on this, please let me know.
Thanx

November 5, 2001
10:08 am
Avatar
artist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sometimes I think that I was born angry. I grew up in a family that everything was "discussed" at the top of their lungs--everybody talking or venting and nobody listening. I never trusted that people would listen to what I had to say and validate my opinions. I hide a lot of what bothers me instead of talking about it. I've harbored lots of resentment for years. My current relationship is similar in some respects to my life at home when I was growing up and I find myself acting out--a lot. Anger is an ever present companion for me and it takes moment to moment awareness of my feelings and an effort of will to not lash out and hurt when I feel hurt or wronged.
I can't say for sure because only you know--but it sounds like the anger you feel might be misplaced--by that I mean that you may still be carrying around anger from your past and not really responding to what is currently happening to you and your boyfriend.
My best tool for dealing with my own anger is honesty with my self. Stopping when I realize that I am angry and backing away from whatever situation that I'm in and "cooling off" and thinking about my feelings.
Asking myself questions like--what about this situation or conversation is making me angry? Then if you think that there is a problem that needs to be dealt with--go back AFTER you have cooled down and discuss it with the person and tell them CALMLY how you feel. Then--and this is the really HARD part--let it go--it may take days if you have never done it before and it is not easy but it is definitely worth it.The alternative of living with my "anger buddy" for me is much worse. Good luck, I hope siome of this helped.
Artist

November 5, 2001
12:36 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If he doesn't celebrate you for who, and what you are right this very second, he is not worthy of your time, far less your attention. He is not worthy. Check out some of the other postings, and get the frame of its not you, unless you give them the power to question your gifts. Own your beauty, own your uniqueness, no matter what color your skin is, green, purple, or light green or purple, its your color and your beautiful. Get Maya Angalous books and celebrate being a woman. Make a list of adjectives, and discover where your anger is triggered, and then write a sentence to demonstrate it, then write a sentence to get over it. Anger I think when we hold on to it, is what makes us physically ill, and you don't have time for that. Work through it, then find your self some girl friends, and go out and find that guy who knows how to celebrate you for who and what you are, the same way your gonna celebrate your self. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you need a guy.

November 5, 2001
1:04 pm
Avatar
artist
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly,

I like your idea of making a list of adjectives and then writing sentences. I'm going to try them. I'm always on the look out for good ideas.

Artist.

November 5, 2001
1:59 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Eve....just a few things that I would point out is that - he said you weren't his type - so why are you with him and why is he with you?

No. 2 - He has changed for you? "You" are responsible for his changes? Why might he be doing that or appearing to do that and why would you demand that he change and why would you now - claim responsibility for "changing" him? This isn't love. It's called - control.

No. 3 - Most often we have internal anger because what we expect and try to make happen is illicit and we know it. No one should bend to our will. If we want to control someone - we need to learn how to truly be balanced within ourselves and control our own need to manipulate or mold others into what we want them to be for our own selfish purposes or gains.

He is - what he is and he's been that - the whole time. Any change that he has made because you effected it - won't last. He only did it - to impress you or get you off his back.

Love doesn't demand that another person change "for them". And neither does love take credit for "changing someone". A rather interesting position to take "over somoene", isn't it?

I definitely see issues here, but what I see you doing is projected them off onto this individual in your life - when the real problem lies with you.

If who you are is dictated by - how much attention you get - you've got a long road ahead of you.... Jealousy - will eat you up and it will point heavily toward the fact that - your unwillingness to accept yourself - is what steers your ship here - ultimately making "you" responsible for it's direction and destination.

If you don't like yourself - you might start by asking "why?" There may be some things that you need to face squarely with yourself and stop projecting onto other people... Otherwise, you will do this circle - again and again and again and no one will ever change enough, say the right thing, or love you as you want.

The doubletalk in your own brain - makes a tremendous amount of noise...

So, what is it - you don't like about you? And why do you believe the things you do about yourself? Do you deserve it, or have you been conditioned to believe whatever? If it's a combination of the two - sort it out and correct your own self-image and start living in a responsible way that says...when I meet someone - I look at exactly "who they are" right then and not what they can be or what they might become because of their love of me or what I bring into their lives... This is a total ego trip and is very destructive.

If you're not his type - and you feel like you need to be responsible for his changes - then what are you guys doing together?

November 5, 2001
2:08 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Clarification....next to last paragraph of previous post..."this is a total ego trip"....this - meaning - being in a relationship whereby the other person isn't up to par when you meet them, but you spend most of your time trying to push them where you want them to go, to mold them, change them into what you want and prefer....

This is a total ego trip, because just like you said in your post - that YOU have changed many things about him.....he may have said it - but you repeated it....

The ego becomes involved when we sit on this throne of being the one responsible for all the goodness in this otherwise dull person's life..

Neither should we try and "earn" love from someone....

November 6, 2001
12:51 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hugs back at you, Blondie! Geeez, wonder why I can write such stuff, eh? Me, too. Been there, done that, the brochures were nothing like the resort, however. (smile)

November 6, 2001
7:36 am
Avatar
black-eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanx to everyone for replying to my situation, much appreciated. I would just like to clarify something with Ladeska. First of all, u've made some really excellent points that I'll right down and ponder, but something u should know is that I dont control my boyfriend. I think it must have been the way I constructed my sentences that made u think I implemented his changes... my apologies for that. Im not the controlling type... I mean, I may have issues, but one thing I don't have in me is controlling someone. His changes came about voluntarily. When I say change, I dont mean he's become "obedient" or anything... I just mean he's being more positive about himself, he's stopped heavy drinking and smoking... he's stopped being so angry at the world. I asked him why he's changed so much, he says because finally, he has someone who can listen to the things he has to say. Can u believe that?? And I have the audasity to come here and say I have issues!!!
U r very right in that my issues are my responsibility. Jealousy is a terrible thing, ur right... Im working on in too. Truth is, he's a good man, and human too.. everyone makes mistakes.
Thanx for ur words of insight.

Blondie.. lol.. yeah, Im black-eve. Dont worry, ur forgiven :o). U know, I can relate to what u said about u taking some stuff out on ur current bf when he's such a sweetheart.. yes, I do that and It's terrible. Im sorry that u were treated the way u were, and Im glad u came out the bigger one in all of it.
By the way, when my boyfriend said "light skinned" he meant a light skinned SISTA. But shucks, that was a long time ago. U know, Im not holding on to that stuff anymore... I think it's all the praying I've been doing lately.
Oh, and Blondie, that punching bag is a totally excellent idea.

Id just like to say thanx again for ur help. God Bless u all.

November 6, 2001
11:01 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Black Eve....well good, I'm glad to hear that the controlling stuff isn't the issue and hope you guys can work things out. I'd just be careful about the thing regarding - he's made all these changes because he has someone to listen to him though...not good. And the reason is - that puts the ball in your court, puts you in the seat of responsibility for - his life. It may be said covertly - but all the same - it's been spoken to you and from the looks of it - you've accepted it. I wouldn't if I were you..... Just be cautious, that's all. I've seen this scenario or trait before in men and didn't pay attention to it, only to find out later - it didn't hold water. The changes didn't stick over the long haul and I noticed - I actually felt guilty about it for awhile and wondered how that happened. Then I looked back over my shoulder and went - son of a gun.....he made it "about me and because of me" all the while and I didn't see what was going on.....my pride and need to be loved and needed blinded me. So, just be "very" careful.

November 7, 2001
8:31 am
Avatar
black-eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Ladeska,
I really didn't see it that way. I mean u r very right. When changes are made because of someone else, not because of urself, it wont hold out for too long. Im taking ur advice and will be very cautious... thanx for that. I think u should be on Oprah!

Thanx again, and God Bless
Black-eve

November 7, 2001
10:46 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Black Eve....just glad that you didn't think I was coming down on you, because I wasn't at all. I greatly understand your position and it's very hard for us, especially when we are young, in love and want to see things a certain way. And especially if - no one comes along side of us and says - Psst, hey - watch out for this minefield and that one. How are we to know? I've been blown up a few times in my life, so I just like to share - what I've learned so that maybe someone else won't experience the pain I have. I try to learn from my mistakes, to understand the hows and whys. We're all on a learning curve, so just glad you're open to considering things and to asking questions even though the answers might be hard. Good luck to you, just keep your eyes open and never be afraid to step back and ponder things. Time....is a good friend. Use it to your advantage. You can always move away from something and scan the perimeters...is always wise. If you sniff something...follow your instinct.

As far as people doing whatever "for you", to impress you, keep you around, snow you, whatever....this is very common. Hard to think about when you are "in love" that someone would do this, but it happens - more than you know. One rule of thumb that I tell people to do is - when you go into a relationship - don't tell them what you want in someone, don't tell them about what has hurt you in the past....find out - "who they are" without giving them all that information because when you do all that you basically pave the way for them to become "what you want" and that is the wrong, wrong motivation for anyone to make changes in their life and it won't last. It just won't. And we are responsible for feeding into that one as well. We, women have the wrong mindset when we think that if a man does all this - then he loves us. Not so. He's just doing what he temporarily needs to in order to please us, keep us around for awhile and what really happens is - we don't see who he really is until much later and then conflict starts big time. He's angry that he can't keep this up and that you never seem to be satisfied and the war begins. Just something to keep in your bonnet.

November 8, 2001
12:51 pm
Avatar
black-eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanx for the words of wisdom Ladeska... Blondie, thanx for being so sweet. :o)

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
44 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109402

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

djkjlzifDazy, veifDazy, aeronautics, WhitDazy, samuelxw16, artikbaeva2

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer