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need to let go of my codependency husband
February 17, 2006
1:52 am
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looking4answer
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my husband just came home with his 3rd session at the coucelor for codependency. he told me that he need to seperate himself to what is causing his disorder...and that would be me. he said he never hated anyone as much as he hates me. he said he doesn't know why. he wants a divorce. how do i let go... i want him to find himself...yet i'm not ready to give up on us. and he said he is not capable of working things with me . he wants me to find some good relationship somewhere else. this only makes me feel like he is getting rid of me so he can find a perfect someone. and i will never be that someone...perfect. need help ....what do i do.let go or fight and hangon!!!!

February 17, 2006
2:28 am
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my fault
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I'm taking a guess here, but you both may be codependent with each other. For eight months now, my husband wants a divorce but will not leave the house or hire a lawyer. All his problems are my fault, he actually sounds the same as your husband with the hate and will not work it out between us. Work on yourself but don't try to fix yourself for him. You want to be the best for you, therapy is a good idea or join a support group. You need to get strong emotionally to deal with a husband like him. Get the help for yourself and than decide if he is someone you want to hold on to. Take Care.

February 17, 2006
3:05 am
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looking4answer
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my fault,
thank you for the advice. i spoke with the same coucelor that my husband's been seeing... he asked me how my husband's like and how do i feel when he blames everything on me... i said i'm letting go... if i'm the cause then i'll let him go. part of me don't want to but there's apart of me that's tired of fighting... and maybe it is my fault. he said it seems that his expectations of me were not met soon after we got home from our honeymoon. i guess i woke up too late. the 6 months that he said that i've been trying to work at our marriage is not going to change his mind that i could never be that ideal wife he thought i would be. i was a fake!

February 17, 2006
1:28 pm
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KIP
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looking4answer - hi!

I may be stirring a hornets nest here, but I am kind of like the husband that both of you (& my fault)are referring to. I'm kind of short on time today to say a whole lot, but I heard this same type of situation yesterday on the Dr. Laura show, again I thought 'too similar to mine and my wifes situation'. We've been struggling for over 20 years with this type of thing (both about ready to give up). I bought the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura, it has changed my whole preception (i.e. "...let go or fight and hang on...")on whether our marriage can change or not.

After talking with this lady yesterday Dr. Laura made the comment as to why she didn't write a book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives", she said to the effect - men can do the right things time and time again for the women but it will never change the women unless she decides she wants it to change her - the man, if the women does the right things for him he immediately flips over and forgives and forgets. she said the only other thing that does it faster is a dog. I had to laugh because in my case it is true. The women basically has all the power.

Since my wife read this book she has done things in a way she never did in 20+ years of marriage. Is she perfect no, nor me, do we still struggle yes (we're both recovering from codependency) but we are both learning some good things now that are helping us make real progress.

Kip

February 17, 2006
1:31 pm
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caraway
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Dr. Laura is the DEVIL.

Cary

February 17, 2006
2:17 pm
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gingerleigh
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Think on this... why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

February 17, 2006
2:28 pm
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KIP
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What keeps someone from continually finding themselves in that type of situation - you liked or loved each other to begin with why did it change?

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