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NEED TO LET GO OF BAD FRIENDSHIP
August 2, 2007
2:30 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I am feeling so let down by a friend. She has always been very defensive with me and sarcastic and I have finally realized that she is no good for me. I have tried to be her friend because she really doesnt have anyone. She is married but her husband (from what she tells me) sounds very controlling and critical. I've tried listening to her problems but never give my opinions because that is her marriage and I have no right to say anything bad about her husband.

I am single, kind of successful and somewhat attractive..where she is more dependent on her husband and very plain. I had a very strange conversation with her yesterday. I had met someone online and it so happened that this man is her customer (what a small world), so when I mentioned this man to her..she immediately told me it was her customer. Because he acted kind of flaky, I told her (thinking she was my friend and she thought good things about me) to let him know what he was missed out on and she said in a very sarcastic way "do you really want me to tell him him?" Yesterday we were talking again and I said that maybe he was too busy dating everyone on the internet to think about finding someone special and to my surprise she said "he is a very warm man and he is looking for someone like him and he can tell when someone is not like him" I am known to be a very nice person..very humble and very loving to my kids. I go out of my way to help people..took care of my cancer stricking sister in law when she was going through chemo..I am friendly with the elders in my neighborhood. No one would ever think of me like that except those who are jealous of me for my accomplishments. Who knows what this woman told this internet man about me and this is why he didnt follow through with scheduling a date.

The worse part is that I have confided so much in her and it really scares me how much she knows about my personal life. How does one move on from someone like this. I always gave her my time and listened to her because I thought that even though she acted so defensive..she had a good heart...but now know she has a mean streak. She has said certain things that I have confided in and said it in a sarcastic way.

I am feeling terrible about this..but I know that I am not supposed to be affected by this but look at the source..but it is hard initially.

Please give me your thoughts so that I can move on from this bad experience. I have known her for 4 yours and I have gone through some really bad times and she has always been there..maybe to hear my drama and gossip because she has no life of her own.

Thanks

 

 

2bHappy

August 2, 2007
2:42 pm
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nappy
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Well since this friend make you feel like this, well it is time to cut ties.
And then again, she may be acting just like her husband. Sometimes when you been with someone long enough, you start acting just like them.
Or, then again she may be jealous of you and want to be just like you.

But all in all, maybe it is time to let of of this friendship and seek friends that are truly your friends and not faking just to have your friendship.
Jealousy comes in all types of forms and all types of people, just continue to be you and nothing else should matter.
Nappy!

August 2, 2007
2:43 pm
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Loralei
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With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? I'm sure you are very disappointed in her. The important thing is to protect yourself in this. Since you have confided in her, it is best that you stay on good terms with her. You can gradually leave her out of your life and certainly don't confide anything important to her again. But the last thing you want to do is make her angry or upset because her mouth could do you harm. Just ease out gradually and as gracefully as possible.

August 2, 2007
2:49 pm
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robbie2007
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if you realy think it is a toxic relationship, then i would go with no contact. i think it really depends on this person and how often you associate with her.

i had 2 toxic friendships i gave up.

1 i had been friends with her for 15 years. we got in an argument one day which was the stick that broke the camels back.

i told her i was tired of carrying stuff around in my head and heart,

she wrote back and said "if you have something to say, say it...."

i chose not to. from that day on, i never talked to her again until a dog that we co-owned that she had died, and she contacted me to tell me. but we did not stay in touch.

the other person i was friends with for 4 or so years and her "the sky is falling attitude" about the world became too much for me. since it was an online friendship i stopped writing, and again, never heard from her again.

i am glad that both these people are out of my life. i dont know how you can get started with no contact - but if you can, and you truly believe that this person is bad for you, then try.

in your case, you may want to write a letter explaining why you feel you need to let her go.

August 2, 2007
2:49 pm
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robbie2007
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if you realy think it is a toxic relationship, then i would go with no contact. i think it really depends on this person and how often you associate with her.

i had 2 toxic friendships i gave up.

1 i had been friends with her for 15 years. we got in an argument one day which was the stick that broke the camels back.

i told her i was tired of carrying stuff around in my head and heart,

she wrote back and said "if you have something to say, say it...."

i chose not to. from that day on, i never talked to her again until a dog that we co-owned that she had died, and she contacted me to tell me. but we did not stay in touch.

the other person i was friends with for 4 or so years and her "the sky is falling attitude" about the world became too much for me. since it was an online friendship i stopped writing, and again, never heard from her again.

i am glad that both these people are out of my life. i dont know how you can get started with no contact - but if you can, and you truly believe that this person is bad for you, then try.

in your case, you may want to write a letter explaining why you feel you need to let her go.

August 2, 2007
2:49 pm
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robbie2007
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if you realy think it is a toxic relationship, then i would go with no contact. i think it really depends on this person and how often you associate with her.

i had 2 toxic friendships i gave up.

1 i had been friends with her for 15 years. we got in an argument one day which was the stick that broke the camels back.

i told her i was tired of carrying stuff around in my head and heart,

she wrote back and said "if you have something to say, say it...."

i chose not to. from that day on, i never talked to her again until a dog that we co-owned that she had died, and she contacted me to tell me. but we did not stay in touch.

the other person i was friends with for 4 or so years and her "the sky is falling attitude" about the world became too much for me. since it was an online friendship i stopped writing, and again, never heard from her again.

i am glad that both these people are out of my life. i dont know how you can get started with no contact - but if you can, and you truly believe that this person is bad for you, then try.

in your case, you may want to write a letter explaining why you feel you need to let her go.

August 2, 2007
2:51 pm
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robbie2007
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if you realy think it is a toxic relationship, then i would go with no contact. i think it really depends on this person and how often you associate with her.

i had 2 toxic friendships i gave up.

1 i had been friends with her for 15 years. we got in an argument one day which was the stick that broke the camels back.

i told her i was tired of carrying stuff around in my head and heart,

she wrote back and said "if you have something to say, say it...."

i chose not to because she knew exactly what i was talking about. from that day on, i never talked to her again until a dog that we co-owned that she had died, and she contacted me to tell me. but we did not stay in touch.

the other person i was friends with for 4 or so years and her "the sky is falling attitude" about the world became too much for me. since it was an online friendship i stopped writing, and again, never heard from her again.

i am glad that both these people are out of my life. i dont know how you can get started with no contact - but if you can, and you truly believe that this person is bad for you, then try.

in your case, you may want to write a letter explaining why you feel you need to let her go.

August 2, 2007
2:53 pm
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robbie2007
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that was weird lol sorry it posted a 100 times!

August 2, 2007
4:18 pm
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2BHAPPY
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but the worse part is that I might have missed out on a good man..he sounded really nice and we had a lot in common...who knows what she told him about me.

I dont want to do the "no contact" because I dont want to be on her enemy list. Just want to ease myself out of this gracefuly.

I never knew anyone of my "friends" felt like that towards me.

Its like she had the power to screw my reputation and she did it with this man.

I cant stop thinking about this today..Its such a let down. Why am I feeling like this? Then I am thinking that perhaps I am a cold person and not a lovable person in her eyes because I dont hug and kiss her when I see her..but that doesnt make me an unlovable person. I am very warm and expressive when I am in love and most men have appreciate this side of me.

 

 

2bHappy

August 3, 2007
1:58 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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2BHAPPY, This has happened to me recently, well in the past year. I had a friend that gossiped behind my back, to my others friends and ex. I caught her...she knows I know. It really messed with my head.....So I think your plan of gradually getting out is the best plan. I also had confided to here personal issues. I have learned how to use 2 face people for my benefit....The other day I call one of these 2face types and told them something good about me knowing they would tell my ex or whoever. In other words, I told them something to talk about that I wanted them to hear......It is a sad deal though.....people to not realize how important friendship is......Good Luck, horsefly

August 8, 2007
9:35 am
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peacesoul
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Sounds like you want to dump her because she called you out.
I think instead of blowing off the friendship, do the mature thing and sit her down and ask her why she has this grudge against you.
You know, the only way we can change as ppl (even when we don't think we need change) is to listen and think about other peoples opinions of us.
It really does not sound like your friend did anything wrong.

Just my cent and a half...

August 8, 2007
9:52 am
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CAMER
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HOW MANY years have you been friends with her???

I wish you luck.

I too have a friend over 20 years, and she would have said the same thing your friend said, and yes, she too is married, dependent on her hubby and very plain, and she doesn't have many friends at all, cuz of her negativity and just being plain mean.

Tell her how you feel, let her know, and if she gets sarcastic then just do no contact for a while.

I did this b4, and hoped things would change, but they never did. Now i just put my friend in her place when she try's to put me down, luckily she is not one of my closest friends and we don't hang out too often.

Do what is best fro you in this case.

August 8, 2007
10:24 am
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atalose
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We all learn the hard way with so called friends and how much we should share with them.

I learned a long time ago that if someone gossips to you they will gossip about you. I also learned about unhappy, miserable married friends who become jealous of their single friends. Back away from her, stop sharing anything personal and keep things very lite.

How about some damage control with this guy. Can you e-mail him or call him? You can say you discovered you both have a mutual freind who's just not a good judge of match making. He may also not want involvement because he is her client and you are her friend, maybe it's too many ties for him.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 8, 2007
11:27 am
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smarterone
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I would start removing myself from her presence, and start thinking of yourself. Obviously she didnt

August 8, 2007
12:24 pm
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AQueen
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I've learned that people like that aren't really being there for you. You think they are but really they crave dysfunction and chaos and like hearing about other people's personal problems and chaos. They like to hear it to compare themselves to your situation and feel better about themselves and they crave chaos, it's just that simple. Their lives aren't all that healthy and dysfuntion is what they know and they enjoy talking about it and hearing about it.

She doesn't sound like a friend to me. You are giving up your power to her by worrying she will ruin your reputation. Only you can do that. If you conduct yourself in a normal decent manner and go on with your life your integrity is above reproach. I used to worry about "so called friends" telling others about my personal life or ruing my rep.

I realized that I had to take my power back and not worry about something that hasn't happened yet. I found living well is the best way to deal with these kind of people. What you do is disengage. The ideal way would be to healthy about it and tell her you don't like the way she treats you and that her behavior is unacceptable to you and you aren't going to continue pursuing a friendhship with her any longer. Or you can take the way more codependents that aren't in recovery or are in early recovery take--avoidance. They stop taking phone calls, never return messages, and steer clear of them in public places that they might run into that person.

That takes so much more effort in the long run and you're not dealing with the situation by setting boundaries on what you will not accept in a relationship. Don't worry about this guy that is her customer. He's not the only guy in the world. Remember not to put all your eggs in one basket meaning don't put all your hope in one person. If you are dating and looking for Mr Right don't get so emotionally involved after one date. Desperation is never sexy. Keep posting and good luck with your recovery.

Aqueen

August 8, 2007
12:27 pm
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peacesoul
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Can someone please tell me what her friend did that was so bad?
She didn't gossip. All her friend said was "this man wants someone warm like him"

2B happy is saying this women has been there for her for 4 yrs. I don't think you throw away a friendship b/c of one silly comment.

This women may be an unhappily married bored women, but 2bhappy assumes she is this way with her b/c she is jealous of her life?!
That is an assumption.

August 8, 2007
5:50 pm
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soofoo
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I'm with peacesoul on this one. I say talk about it with the friend. Maybe the hurt 2behappy feels is from being rejected by the guy and not the fault of a friend caught in the middle. Sounds like friend didn't really want to speak as an intermediary and I really wouldn't blame her for that. I'd be careful not to lose a friendship that's obviously meant a lot (2behappy- you say she knows a lot which means you can talk to her) just because of a guy. Looking back, I wish I hadn't blown off so many friends for some of the sh**heads I dated. Then I might have had more friends when those sh**heads betrayed me.

Sisters before misters.

August 10, 2007
1:42 pm
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atalose
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I think 2behappy was hurt by the implying remark that she was not a warm person.

Talking with her friend and clearing the air would be a wonderful thing to do if possible. If not, backing off a little from the friendship may help her resolve some issues whether they are her issues or issues with the friend.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 10, 2007
3:41 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank for all your comments. The "friend" did call me this week to say hello. but I told her I was busy since she called me at work, and that I would call her back and I havent yet.

With the man..we did go out last weekend and we really hit it off. he is looking for a relationship and we do have a lot in common. I havent really talked about her but he did mention that she tried to set him off with women before and he never went for it..I know it wasnt with me because she never talked about me meeting any of her customers. But yes, I was hurt because she implied that I was not warm which I am and also was very sarcastic about some things she knows about me. So I am staying away from her. I feel that with friends like that..I really dont need enemies...an old cliche but very true in this case.

 

 

2bHappy

August 11, 2007
7:07 am
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CAMER
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good for you 2B!!! see the "man" and you hit it off, way to go!!! she probably could have been jealous too, and hoped you both "wouldn't" hit it off and used her "negativity" to both you and him.

glad things worked out, and yes the ol' chiche does have meaning.

best of luck with you and your guy date!!

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