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need to know if I should go
September 21, 2006
12:43 pm
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codycat
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Hi, I'm new to this. I just came upon this looking up codependency. I realize I have a codependent problem. My counselor diagnosed me.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years. Dated 3, lived together for 4yrs. and have been married for 8 yrs. now.

We lived together for 4 yrs. before getting married. We managed everything financially. Or at least I did. I took care of the bills.

My husband and I have been through all sorts of things together.I'm usually the one that keeps things afloat financially.

I have had struggles with him over the years to get his money from his paycheck. He always refused to give me his paycheck. He wouldn't give me the consistant money wk. after week. This past year has been awful! We started getting behind in bills. We had bill collectors call. I had to shut off stuff so we could financially make it. Then I arranged with creditors and just about got caught up.

He comes up with this idea that we should get a house and get out of our miserable run down trailer we've been living 12 yrs. in.(that this will solve our marriage problems) I absolutely hate that trailer! I have since I moved in it(12 yrs. ago... he has lived in it for about 20 yrs. bought it from his mom) because things are never fixed rt. He owns the trailer. We rent the lot from the landlord in the mobile home court. In the winter time the gas/elec. is like a house payment! It's insane. The financial stress has put a big toll on me and he doesn't seem to realize it.

I've been put on anti-depressents because I became very depressed back in the late spring/early summer. I tried going to counseling. But it's been a one-way street with me getting help. He refuses any sort of counseling.

Back in June I discovered he was using meth. Blowing alot of the bill money on it and giving me stupid excuses. I confronted him back in June and he admitted to doing it and I was ticked. I told him if he didn't quit I would leave. Well, I didn't leave and he was back to his old lies again.

I've seen lots of different behavior come out of him. He would tell me one thing and thought he told me and I was like no. So then I thought I was losing my mind. He would spend gobs of times at this one guy's house. I talked to him about spending more time with his friends than with me.

We would get into these little disputes, cry a bit and then get over it. Go back to normal and then he would lie about something again. Back in Aug.(last month) he lost a whole paycheck. I was very angry! He said he truly lost it and I have a hard time believing that story. I think he blew it on that "bad candy." So needless to say I was behind in bills again... worked extra hours to make it up. He wouldn't work extra hours to make it up. Let alone get in his 40 hrs. a week at his job. (we almost lost our health ins. b/c of him not putting in enough hours.)

Then the past weekend he took his whole paycheck again. I had talked to him prior to that about not taking his whole check with him for salmon fishing. He said he would give me the amount that I requested. Well, the day he took off he said he needed it for this and this and this. He lied again!!

I was so angry and very hurt! So while he was away for the weekend I had a talk with my brother and my sister. My sister told me to find a place, make a plan and get out. I found a perfect rental house rt. across the street from my work. One of my boss's here at work is willing to work with me on the payments by deducting from my check and they are not even going to charge me extra for pets. This is the only place I can find like this. Everywhere else is very expensive and beyond my budget especially since I'm not willing to give up my 2 cats I've had for 12 yrs. They have been there for me.

My husband has it figured out that I'm planning on moving out. He's very upset, confused and stupified as he put it. He gave up all of his contacts with his drug buddies, gave me his physical paycheck and is really trying to reconcile with me. He doesn't want to live alone. I don't want to live alone. He knows I can make it because I've kept both of our heads above water all this time.

I'm really thankful we don't have any children at all. I kept in the back of my mind I wouldn't have any until I was financially stable. Same way with getting a house. I won't do it until I'm financially stable. I may be a bit obsessive with money. He believes it's all about the money. It's not completely. I wanted him to be there for me emotionally so many times but he wouldn't talk or refused to hear me. Saying I was negative about everything. That my attitude was bad.... so over the summer I avoided expressing my feelings. I don't have friends to really talk to. Just family and thank good ness they've been there for me.

Now after hearing all of this. I know this sounds stupid. Should I stay or should I go?
I'm fearful of him relapsing and hitting rock bottom with the drugs again. That's how he got started. He was stressed and some stupid friend introduced him to the "high of his life". He refuses rehab and he refuses marriage counseling. So my thoughts are if I stay and stick it out will he lie and do the stuff again and not give me his paycheck and life will be stressful? I feel guilty because I took him away from his friends. He quit the drugs to keep me, but I don't know if he quit for himself.
He apologized yesterday on my birthday that he has messed up my life. I know I chose to be with him. I wanted so bad to get out of that trailer and live a happier life. But now anymore I don't really know what makes me happy? I kinda' lost myself? I've been a workaholic for so many years and so many years I never really dealt with my feelings.

I know rt. now I can't get a speedy recovery out of all of this. I'm afraid to let go.

Anyone out there.... please help give me some ideas. I've read alot of these threads and it's scary but so many of the stories sound like me. My thing is my husband really is a good man. He has never badmouthed me, never physically hit me. Just emotionally has me messed up from all the financial stress and all the lies he's been telling. He has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him.

it's like we are so codependent of ea. other that we are both afraid to let go.
Thanks so much!
codycat

September 21, 2006
1:05 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, I know that it would seem that your husband has not abused you.

and perhaps that is true on some level.

but lies and financial stress is hurting you, and that's abuse on some level.

he is emotionally unavailable and financially irresponsible.

his FIRST LOVE is the drug - not you....it's his priority right now. He is NOT taking responsibility for it, and he is NOT really committed to saving the marriage if he won't go to rehab or counseling. He is simply apologizing - and in my book - talk is cheap.

You may not know who you are or what you want - but I doubt you will figure that out if you continue to stick around.

The best chance you have to figure this out is to get out, and then work on that.

Otherwise, alot of your energy will go into watching him and monitoring him and worrying about his habits, your old trailer that isn't making you happy and your finances.

If you take control of your life, then you may end up alot happier.

And if you leave, he may realize he really lost you, and be more open to the idea of rehab and counseling. If you stick around, he may think that "his apology" is all it takes to keep you around. I am not saying using this as an ultimatum, but I am saying that sticking around will enable him to keep using and not do anything about it.

If you want true happiness, the only one who can give it to you is you. And as long as he turns to drugs in times of stress, he will continue to be dishonest and using the money that you could be using for a lovely home.

I wish I had easy answers for you.

September 21, 2006
1:15 pm
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TryingToLetGoAndMoveOn
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*Hugs.*

September 21, 2006
1:29 pm
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tryin2smile
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codycat,
From what I know about meth it is not a drug that you just quit! He needs rehab. If he is not willing to go I would say get out now. That stuff is horrible! I have a step brother who has been hooked on it for years. I don't know if he has ever seriously tried to quit as I have no relationship with him at all. He frightens me. But my dad confides in me about what is going on with him. He has been in court ordered rehab and jail lots of times. But he always goes back to the drug. He is a violent, sick. thief. He will do anything for his next fix. I am not saying that he is a bed person or that your husband is. But that drug messes with people bad! I have known others by association that did it too. After extensive use they get almost phsycotic. They are paranoid, and I am talking severely paranoid. They think everyone is out to get them. They hear voices telling them to hurt or kill certain people or animals. They commit sex crimes, they will steal and lie and in a lot of cases get violent(acting out on what the "voices" say), in there minds to save themselves. I live in an area where meth is rampant. So I have seen way more than I ever wanted to. I do not believe that you are safe unless your husband gets help. I would say that you should get that house and move if you have the opportunity. I am not saying that you should not try to work it out with him if he is a good man and he is willing to get the help he needs. But in my opinion you would be much safer and happier if you created some distance right now. Just make sure your husband knows that you do still love him and that you are willing to support him while he recovers. I wish you luck.

September 21, 2006
1:54 pm
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nappy
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Honey, you should go and start your life over and not with him right now. Your husband need help in trying to kick this habit. He can't do it alone. Meth and any other addictive problems is a problems. And the other person should know that they are going to lose if that person don't get help. I would be piss because all of his money is going somewhere else and you are trying to hold it together. Hold it for yourself and let him figure it out on his own.
Either he is going to want it or not and not just trying to fool you into seeing him trying to change. That is just a act, just to throw you off of him and he will be right back doing what he is doing.

September 21, 2006
2:31 pm
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Loralei
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These problems with your husband have been going on for years. He's a big boy. He knows these are serious problems, yet he has done nothing to set things right. Lying, not pulling his weight financially, doing drugs . . . what good is he doing you? He's just holding you down. Get out now so that you can start a new life. So you can get your head together and realize that life is a whole lot better than what you've been experiencing. Put yourself first for a change. Take care of YOU. Once you are away from him I bet you'll experience tremendous relief, like the weight of the world is off your shoulders. Good luck to you.

September 21, 2006
3:11 pm
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cammyjo
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Hi Cody

I've been there, and as I was struggling to make the bills and working my butt off, he was lying, stealing and using. When he wasn't stealing from me to get it, he was stealing from the dealers, coming home with tires shot out, windows shot out. Half the time I would have to come get him because he spent his last 5 dollars on some more stuff instead of putting it in the gas tank.

I finally had to file bankruptcy to the tune of $50,000. to start over, and moved in with his parents while he was in jail.

Today he is clean, and we still have our problems, I do look back and question why I stayed with it, and know that if I was "healthy" I would have let him go a long time ago.

It is a tough decision to make, I agree, but he will take you down with him. He needs to take his recovery seriously, and if you remove yourself from the situation he will be forced to do something. Stay strong, good for you that you asked for help.

Hugs...Cammyjo

September 21, 2006
4:25 pm
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startingover2006
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Codycat,

I know your pain, I've lived it. I have been reading this site for over a year and half and have only posted my story once. but to hear your story really hit home. My husband (we are still legalally married) and I have been together 12 years, married almost 5. We no longer live together, we have 2 children, my son is going to 4 next month and my other son is 15, (technically he is my step-son but I have raised him for the past 12 years and in my eyes and his he is my son.) Both kids live with me. My husband is an addict. He had episodes where he used before we got married but was clean and sober for 3-1/2 years before we married. and when his mother passed away unexpectidly at a young age he used that as an excuse to use again. He did everything you have said you husband has done. Financailly burrying us and lied oh so many lies. cheating! over and over again! I threatened for him to get clean or I would leave and take the kids. he did for a while and went back, for who knows what reason. I wasn't giving him as much love as he needed, blah blah blah. whatever the excueses were, he hurt all of us from his addiction. my oldest wrote letters saying he missed him and wished he could get right and come home (he was lving with at this time) at night and be the family that we used to be. but nothing mattered I ended up feelign as you did that I was crazy and unstable and losing it. And i have to say all that said I still didn't leave. My finally straw was the 2nd car accident in a months time (yes he crashed both our new cars and totalled them both and of course we didn't have insurenace that was the one thing I cut to make the pg&e bill.) well he had just dropped me off at work and was about to take our 2-1/2 year old to school, he was about 2 minutes from my job when he fell asleep and ran a right light, and ran striaght into a SEMI TRUCK! I THANK GOD EVERY DAY that my son didn't have a scratch (GOD was on his shoulder), how I will never know the front passenger seat was under the truck and my son was right behind that. My husband was hurt. Facial cuts and bruising. But he doesn;t remember anything but waking up in the ambulance, my son on the other hand was awake and conciesus thru the hole ordeal not hurt but tramatised. That was over a year and a half ago.

The month after that accident I moved the boys and I out of the house and have never looked back. YES I love my husband, don't love the choices/mistakes he has made but I know in my heart I will never get over the hurt he has caused our family. That month I moved I had a friend help me get out, the same as you boss is doing for you. I looked at it as if it were a sign from God telling me I was doing the right thing. I have been completely blessed for the last year.

As for my husband he lives with the woman he cheated on me with, His family got tired of his sorry ass and kicked him to the curb. I hate that he is so weak to let the drug control his life but I have learned how INCREDABLE STRONG I am. and as lonley as it can be to be alone there is nothing more emowering than knowing I can take care of my boys and myself without the help of anyone.

Please take this door that is open to you to figure out who are and where you got lost. and give him this time to get right for himself. He has a lot of proving to you to do and only time can prove that. Let him learn to take care of himself before you go back. I swear, you will learn things about yourself that will blow your mind. I kwow it can be scary to live alone but I know there are times when he doesn't come home anyways so you know a little about what it is like. Girl I know you can and will get past this, and when one door cloes another will open. Let God be your strength!
HE works in mysterious ways but his love endures all.

September 23, 2006
3:32 am
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codycat
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Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. This week has been literally "hell" on my emotions. Probably because I woke up a bit from "Wonderland."

I know this totally goes against what everyone has said to me....but I'm going to stick it out and work on this marriage one last chance. I know that sounds so weak and codependent and there is a part of me in the back of my mind kicking me for staying.

I never got this serious about leaving before. Actually having a plan. My sister who has been there for me this week has also said she feels I should give it one last shot. Because of the fact that he is willing to work on improving the situation.

He never before told me he would give up his friends/contacts, etc. He never gave me his physical paycheck before.

My sister says that everyone on this type of self help site is looking at it from a non drug user point. They are not looking at who my husband really is..... a nice good person who made a mistake. She says everyone is looking at "the drug" and not the person who claims to really care about me, etc.

I know it probably seems like b.s. and right now I'm very critical about alot of stuff. I know now I have trust issues. I told my sister that I will have to "hold" his hand so I can regain the trust again. I have to put down guidelines such as I need that physical paycheck every week. If he needs gas in his truck.... I will go up to the gas station and have him put gas in his truck.

Of course, there is a part where he has a trust issue with me. which I did fail to mention. Which I will totally digress from the subject of my husband at the moment to tell you about this issue.......

I had a problem last Fall where I spent some extra money on my niece. I don't see it as bad because I was providing for a child whose parents were/are losers. My brother can't hold a job and my ex-sister in-law just didn't put an effort in providing for her kid. My niece needed things and needed help with her self-esteem. I became severely codependent with her. I built up some of her self-esteem by getting her into swimming lessons. She absolutely loved it! I took her to church to open her mind up to religion so when times got tough she would have God to talk to if no one was around.

I was trying to watch out for her while her father lived 12 hours away from her. She chose to live with her mother because she didn't like living with her dad and stepmom. After a while I realized I was an idiot on spending extra money on this kid. The 10-yr. old niece ruined my trust with her when she told some things to her mother and stepdad. Basically her stepdad pushed the kid's feelings the wrong way and she became defensive and said some things that I said about her stepdad and mother.

I should have known better that saying some things. But I learned my lesson the hard way. So my niece and I were distanced for months. I did have a talk to her about 2 wks. after I found out she blew my trust and I explained to her what I said was wrong about her mom and stepdad. But I also told her what she did by becoming defensive also really hurt my feelings too and caused alot of people to get upset with ea. other. (I know she's young and she didn't realize she would cause so much hurt by telling what she heard.)

At one time I had her mother's friendship and trust. Her stepdad never liked me and I didn't care for him either. He's an abusive alcoholic. Her mother is codependent too but has recovered from drinking and partying.

My brother, his wife and 2 other daughters moved back "home" in April. My brother still didn't have a job. His wife and him lived with a friend while the 2 older daughters (one a step daughter and the other a sister to the 10 yr. old.....both older girls are about 13 yrs. old) lived with my sister for about a couple of months. My brother in May finally found a rental house down the street from my sister. Moved the whole family back in and my 10-yr. old niece was so excited to move back in with her dad and quit living at her mother's. My brother had a job for a while but quit again in the last month. That's a whole different story there.
My sister and I feel for the kids. We can't get over what hell he is putting the kids through. His wife is working a low paid job at a convenience store but at least she is working. Their marriage is very rocky at this point and my brother knows he needs to get a job to support his family or his 2 girls may end up living with their mother.

But their mother has really changed..... she is actually financially helping out the girls by getting them clothes and things they need. My sister and I and their mother did step in for back to school. I only used what extra money I barely had to help the kids out. That is my big weakness. I love those kids to death but I know I have to help out my husband and I first.

So in some way I'm just as guilty for messing up the finances, but I am aware of what I did. My screw up was last fall. I took total interest in my 10-yr. old niece. Somewhere in that time my husband took up the "bad candy."

I know I shouldn't blame myself at all for his weakness. He chose to do it. He claims within the last yr. or so he did the stuff but supposively only 2 times a week so he wasn't as bad as other people. But I know it's the fact he did and who knows if he will get the craving again. I asked him to be honest and tell me the last time he used it and he said about a wk. and a half ago. Which to me doesn't explain where all his money went last weekend. I'm only seeing a partial truth there, maybe?

His other habit is marajuana. He has always smoked it. I don't do any drugs. I don't drink, I don't smoke, etc. My grandparents must have drilled it so bad in my head when they raised me or something. I'm so uptight about any of that stuff. I can't stand the taste of alcohol and in communion in church.... I choose the grape juice over the wine because I can't grasp the taste.

Of course, I may have other underlying reasons too for not liking alcohol or doing bad stuff Again I digress to a different story........ Considering that almost 30 yrs. ago my father shot my mother in the head and then he committed suicide with a gun shot to his head. He was drunk at the time and very angry because my mother cheated on him. My brother was 6yrs. old at the time and heard the gun shot.... saw the blood coming out of bedroom. He was so scared...panicked.... ignored the situation and went about the morning taking care of me. I was only 2 yrs. old at the time. 8 hours later friends came by and then my uncles stopped by and found their bodies in the bedroom. I know this sounds like something that came out of a movie but it's the unfortunate truth.

I don't recall what my parents were like at all. My mother survived because the bullet passed through the rt. side of her brain. She's been in a nursing home since 1976 and has a plate in her head. Her speech is messed up. Her mind is all there and she is aware of who is who.

I've only knowned her like this not the person she was before "the accident." I call it an accident because my father wasn't a violent man and I know if back then he could have gotten help it never would have happened. Everyone has told me he was a very nice, funny good man.

I know because of that "accident" I'm that much more statistically to committ suicide myself. But I've gotten help over the last couple of years by trying anti-depressants and going through therapy. Although at the moment I'm broke and can't afford therapy. So I'm just working this day by day. My sister and brother have been there for me on this marriage challenge I'm going through. I've been reading self help books.

I know my husband doesn't want to do counseling because he doesn't want anyone to know. I think that's one big thing about it. That and the fact when he was 8yrs. old his parents divorced after 17 yrs. of marriage (his dad cheated on his mom and left her for another woman). His mom remarried a hillbilly loser (in my book he is) and they had alot of problems. They all were supposed to go through family therapy when she had her 2nd marriage. But my husband (when he was 10 yrs. old) didn't want to. He felt the therapy wasn't for him it was for his troublesome stepbrother who was always in trouble. Causing fights, etc.

I kinda' say back at that point... that is how my husband got mixed up with the wrong friends. He had some diliquent friends. He also had church going friends too. He used to go to church to get away from his step family. He started working part-time at ballpark concessions to get away from his violent stepdad. He started working at an early age. His step family never had any money because his stepdad was a loser and never held down a job. His mom was always borrowing money from the kids that worked. They had vehicles repossessed when he was younger. His sister also got pregnant when she just graduated high school and was a single mom. So his mom tried to help her and took what money the kids made to help out the sister.
His family is messed up in many ways too. My husband worked hard for his money, but yet hung out with the wrong crowd some of the time.

I'm sorry if I've gone into too much detail here. But there are so many underlying issues here that have built up to the problems we are currently having.

I have confided in the pastor of my church in hopes he can help us out. I'm hoping my husband might give it a shot. I can read all the self-help books on how to fight for the marriage... but my husband doesn't read. I'm not sure how to address how to work this stuff out. I know I have some true major trust and forgiveness issues here.

I know that if he strikes out the 3rd time I won't even hesitate to blink. I feel I've been pushed so far.... but there is still that small cringe of hope. I know everyone says he will bring me down with him. But I will only find that out for myself.... hopefully not.

I guess if I can't do couples therapy at least I will see about getting individual therapy from my pastor. I am one always looking for some sort of direction on how to get through things.

I know I have a codependent problem. I know I can only help myself if I want it. I'm not sure if I'm putting back on the blinders on rt. now or not?

I know the fact of leaving was really messing up my mind at work. I put myself so far behind at work. The main boss is not one to be too considerate about stuff. He's one that is very controlling and considered to be "mean" alot of times. So I don't want to put anymore stress on myself by getting behind at work.

My job is being a graphic designer and I have to use my creativity alot.... which in times of stress... the creativity shuts down.

Well, I better get some sleep. I fell asleep with my laptop on... then woke up... couldn't go back to sleep because my mind is racing. Now my husband is upset because I didn't go to bed. He feels I'm just adding fuel to the fire by talking to people with the same "hatred" inside of them. He doesn't understand why I have to be so angry majority of the time.

I'm trying to let out my feelings. I need to open up and get it out. Maybe I've opened up too much here.

I know I need some sleep or I won't function. Toodles! -Codycat

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