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Need to be reminded again!
March 12, 2007
3:03 pm
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lettingo
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This last year and half has been unbelievably painful. I lost my father, had a miscarriage and had to divorce my husband who I loved. The divorce was final last week and he came and picked up stuff Saturday. He had had his 10th or so relapse and I was done with his lying, stealing, running up credit cards,etc. All the things that go along with an addict. I hung in there for the last two years because I thought I could made him change. I know he lovs me but that has little to do with addiction. I just need to be reminded that this will get easier. My heart still hurts and I sometimes think, "did I do the right thing"? I know that sounds crazy but I am a classic codependant. I am crawling some days towards recovery. I just need some encouragement. He continues to text me and just today I told him I would not answer any more of his text messages because I don't want any more contact with him. We have no children but he does owe me ALOT of money. I told him to just mail it. I think he was going to come by tonight like things are fine. Makes me crazy because I am trying to get past this. Please remind me that I will!!! I've been struggeling so much lately. I just wish time would hurry up. Thanks for letting me vent.

March 12, 2007
3:17 pm
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mj
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((((lettingo))))) This too shall pass and things will get better. Grieve and feel your feelings. It is so healthy to ask for what you need like you just did. You are not alone. Are you working a program?

March 12, 2007
3:18 pm
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caraway
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lettingo,

Hang in there! It sounds as you have made the only decision; the RIGHT one for you.

I heard something last week that sounded a little funny at first but really made since later. The Greg Behrendt show was on, ok I watched it, and he was talking about a book that he and his wife wrote on break-ups. The book is a guide of sorts and tells you how to get through it.

One idea that I really liked is that you have a break-up buddy, someone that you call when he calls you or you feel the need to call him. Basically, he suggest that you go for at least 60 days with NO CONTACT.

There were some other ideas to help cope and survive in the mean time.

It will get better.

Cary

March 12, 2007
3:39 pm
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lettingo
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mj,
I do go to alanon pretty regularly and do have a sponsor. I read, write and do everything I can think of to not fall back into my addiction...HIM! He is so convincing at times that I just end up believe him and his bull. It is hard when you love someone. I am just trying to go forward. The divorce is done, I am no longer tied to him and I just want to feel better and stronger. I post when I am really down but read a lot of what everybody had to say. I also post on a divorce board but divorce and addiction is just another thing all together.

caraway,
All I really want right not iw NC from him. I've asked him and begged him not to contact me via texting but he always seems to have some important reason to do so. I know I could change my number which I might do if it gets too much.

He does owe me a lot of money and sometimes I think it would be easier to just say forget it. It would be worth having to pay the bills myself.

Thanks for telling me this will get easier....I hang onto the words like a lifeline. I have friend who survived divorce and I call him up almost daily saying "tell me again that I won't always feel this way".

March 12, 2007
3:53 pm
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soprano2
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(((((lettingo)))))

I feel for you, honey. I know that what you are going through is very very difficult. But every little step that you take is still a step. That's the amazing thing about this. And take the time to give yourself credit for that.

And worrying about the money I know for sure doesn't help. In my first divorce, my ex left me with over $12,000 in debt that he acquired. I could have fought, but I didn't think I was strong enough. Now, I consider it a very good investment. My freedom from this guy was worth way more than that. When I think of what else I could have lost aside from money, I tend to shutter, and then I count my blessings.

You won't always feel this way. It does take time, but find something positive every day about it.

(((((lettingo)))))

s2

March 12, 2007
3:55 pm
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thedogsmom
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(((((Lettingo)))))

You HAD no other choice but to DIVORCE this man that you love. You did the right thing! THIS is NOT the easiest part either! Sorry- Heartbreak is SO hard! Your feelings didn't just vanish along with the signing of the divorce papers!! There is still love there for him. You spent so many years together and NOT all BAD years. You still have HOPE for him that he can pull himself together. All those feelings are normal. Time will make it better for you! Takes pain, heartbreak, sorrow, questioning the decision, wallowing in self pity and lonliness! Thats OKAY. You are NORMAL and HUMAN and you go ahead and CRY and keep on journaling and writing here and mostly READING here so you can see that YOU are ON your WAY to recovery and a PEACEFUL and BETTER LIFE out there awaits you---- while WE are still stuck in our HELL- waiting for
'him' to start doing the right thing! Which isn't going to happen.

There was NOTHING more that you could have or should have done that you didn't already try!! was there??

I'm sure you tried ALL that you KNEW how. If you are anything like me you HAVE already tried SO many different
'strategies' to FIX him!
Didn't you try????
tried denial--didn't see it happening-
tried ignoring or pretending things were better- he was changing--
tried crying
tried making him feel sorry for hurting you
tried giving him the silent treatment
tried getting angry and demanding ultimatums
tried talking to him, begging with him, pleading with him, writing to him, counseling...getting him to drug rehab....

Nothing WORKED because WE dont have the CONTROL over anothers actions! Not an ADDICT. He is still an Addict!
He doesn't see he has a problem that needs fixing. He quit- all the time.
He made your life a living hell!
He hurt you and dissapointed you over and over again! He may be sorry for it. But it didn't take away your hurt and he will only hurt you again--IF you let him.

You lost your zest for life! didn't you lose sleep...lose your hair??? find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and enjoy your day? Wasn't the past two years- energy spent on trying to FIX him? It didn't work-- cause He and ONLY HE can FIX himself!

Please don't start questioning your decision. Don't give in to his aim to get you back. Try NO CONTACT if you can! You didn't give up on him. You let go of trying to control something out of your power.
He will be okay and you will be better off. You really need NO CONTACT to help you through this.
He can mail you the money.
Oh and if it makes you feel better- my man owes me $30,000--- and I will gladly write it off --- If I get my happy self and life back!
Hang in there!
TDM

March 12, 2007
3:57 pm
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lettingo
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soprano2,
I never thought I would do this, but I think it might be worth the debt at this point. The only thing we have between us is the money he owes me. I am thinking it might be worth just telling him to not pay me back. Not ever having to deal with him will make it all worth it. I just do so much better when he doesn't get in touch with me or I don't have to anticipate anything from him.

March 12, 2007
4:05 pm
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readyforachange
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(((lettingo)))) you will get past this honey, and there is lots of life left to live! You did the right thing, because you know in your heart that he wasn't making you happy and it wasn't going to change. And, as hard as it is right now, you will get stronger every day and move past the feelings that you are feeling right now. Keep venting and posting here, keep reading your journals to remind you that you don't want to go back to that life. You deserve the best...keep telling yourself that! Honestly it's been 2 years since my divorce was final, and I still need to be reminded of that sometimes. Hang in there!

March 12, 2007
4:25 pm
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Shaney
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When I left my first husband, he made an issue out of everything that he could... all to stay in contact with me and torture me. From a tool he may have left in the garage, to how many MORE dishes he thought I had kept, compared to what I gave him... He never seemed to quit. So I packed EVERTHING up, but one plate, a fork, a knife, a spoon and a frying pan. I also kept my clothes and a couch that I had before I met him. That was it. I called him, pushed all of these boxes out onto the porch, and told him if he ever contacted me again, I'd call the cops. I never heard from him again... thank GOD.
If your sanity means more than the money... let it go.

I didn't love him, like you love your ex - not after everything that we had gone through. But I have left someone that I loved deeply, because I knew in my heart it would never work. And in time, I was better because of that decision. My life finally moved forward... I wasn't stuck anymore. I hated the feeling of my life standing still while everyone else seemed to pass me. People were moving forward, making plans, having fun, living good lives, while my life just stood still. Time didn't progress while I was in that relationship. But it did once I get myself together and started to make some plans for myself. Me and me only.

It will happen for you too. This is all still REALLY fresh... and you are doing all of the right things. You can't expect this to not affect you for at least a while. Give yourself time, have your bad days, but just know that they won't last. Moving forward is bound to bring good things to you. :o)

March 13, 2007
10:00 am
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lettingo
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Thank God for this board. I left my ex a message saying we were even and that he didn't owe me any money and to just never contact me in any way. That is the only way I will get through this. Today getting out of bed was hell. I was so depressed but I keep reminding myself and reading that "this" will not last forever, again, I hold onto those words like a lifeline because I don't know how long I can take this pain. Everything is so hard and tiring. Life has become so exhausting. Just making a decision to get out of bed has become huge. Thanks for everyone's input. It totally reinforces my decision and because I made the right decision finally, life will get better. thedogsmom, you totally described the last two years of my marriage...HELL! I just wish I wasn't struggeling so much. It's like living with him was hell and now I finally leave and I feel depressed. I know it's crazy but I do the best to put one foot in front of the other every day and fight through this and hold onto the idea that I will be happy again some day and my life will get better.

March 13, 2007
10:05 am
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balancesekr
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WOW! lettingo, you sound incredibly STRONG to me!
You have had such a difficult year and a half and you are still moving forward. That inspires me!

Keep posting your feelings.
b

March 14, 2007
11:40 am
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lettingo
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Well, my saga gets even more insane. My ex was picked up once again and is now in jail. And I had a thought that he might have changed. Got picked up for prescription fraud. I pray he is there for a long time. He actually tried to call me from jail this a.m. Finally gave in and changed my cell and home phone. What a pain but at least I know he won't be able to get in touch with me. I feel so freaked out. Someone say something to get me through this. I still feel like I am going to throw up when he tries to contact me. Does this go away? I am considering moving out of State but don't want to do anything too crazy but I feel it might give me the peace and serenity that I need. thoughts?

March 14, 2007
11:46 am
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soprano2
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Yeah to you for making some steps in your life to help you feel safe. No matter what you feel--you can be in control of this situation when it comes to yourself.

This feeling does go away. It takes time. It takes strength.

If he continues to bother you after you ask him to stop, and you no longer feel safe, most states have laws against "stalking" or "meanacing". I know that that may seem extreme, but they are there to help people feel safe. You do not need to give up your whole life because he is not in control of his. That would be a huge sacrifice.

Lots of hugs your way (((lettingo)))

s2

March 14, 2007
6:01 pm
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thedogsmom
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lettinggo.
I think we know EXACTLY how each other feels. I think we lived the same hell life with an addict for too long and have WAY to much EMPATHY and concern for THOSE men who keep hurting..
Here you are following through with all these painful choices---divorce!! and HE STILL won't leave you alone-- coming around trying to lay the guilt trip on you to get you back!..'
and now you left cause you're good and tired of all the NEW shocks and terrible 'surprises' that never let you get back that TRUST and rest in peace at home... and still you are hit with this new FRAUD of his!
Well - the way to look at it ..is to let it be ALL the MORE PROOF-- that You have DONE the right thing...by letting him go!..
He can go mess up his life now-- or he can choose to FIX it.. but at least he won't be drowning you with him. You are my inspiration and we will be strong...and get to that PEACE!~
hang in there
(((tdm))

March 15, 2007
10:10 am
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lettingo
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thedogsmom,
Thanks for your encouraging words. My divorce was final yesterday. The judge pulled up my ex's record to confirm that he was in jail and that he wouldn't be showing up. He said he had other warrants out and that he had a few probation violations so I PRAY he is in there for the long haul. I need at LEAST 60 days of NO CONTACT so I can heal. Even though he is a nightmare I am still greiving and going through the process. I knwo it WILL get better because anything is better than the HELL addicts put us through. I know a lot of this is my addiction to him and the crazyness so I plug along, pray alot, go to meeting, read the boards and just put one step in front of the other. He tried calling a few times last night so I took the phone off the hook and will keep it off until my new number goes into effect which won't be until Monday. arrrghh. I am struggeling but like I said, there IS NOTHING worse than living with an active addict. That are a nightmare. I hope you are doing well. Thanks everyone. This has become my daily therapy.

March 15, 2007
11:21 am
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mj
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I am so glad that you are learning how to take care of yourself. You do have choices and for me that made a lot of sense. It empowers one to know that they don't have to be victimized by others behavior. Keep the focus on the things you can change and keep doing the things that help you take care of yourself.

Divorce is a very stressful emotional time for you. It is compounded by the fact that you love your ex but couldn't be with him because his addiction was making life crazy. I hope you grieve and feel and know that this will pass.

March 15, 2007
11:24 am
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mj
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I empowers one to know that we don't have to be victimized.

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