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December 12, 2005
2:31 pm
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July1209
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My sister needed a place to stay and now I am dealing with abuse, I think. I let you stay as a favor only and I walk around my own house on eggshells wondering when I am going to crack one by accident.

CYCLE OF ABUSE
1. I say something about my plans or me, which may or may not affect her.
2. She gets hurt or angry and blows up at me, tells me I am treating her poorly, or I am causing her to walk on eggshells.
3. All I did was walk into a room and say something she did not like or agree with. All I did was ask a question or answer one.
EVERTHING ELSE AFTER THAT IS WHAT MAKES ABUSE SO HARD TO SPOT AND TO GET OUT OF AND WHY I AM SO CONFUSED. The conversation that occurs at this point is dually unhealthy and just makes things more confusing. Then, after trying to work out things, I should never even need to worry about, I realize I was abused, disrespected, and manipulated into believing I need to change something or that I did something wrong. All the while she is saying she didn't say I did anything wrong. She justs wants to share her feelings be aloud to be angry and have an opinion. Then why does it end up with her asking me to change something?

Am I crazy. Here is what just happened.

Thursday Mom and My sister had a fight. I heard about it from my sister.
Saturday I went to get my cards read. I asked about our relationship and if it will improve. It was not good. I was told it won't she is jealous and needs help she won't get. I got Sad.

Sunday my sister asked me "Don't you think this ornement is the ugliest thing in the world". I had a feeling it was from mom and she was wanting to bash her, so I said "Was that from Mom'? She said yes and I said I don't think it is the ugliest thing in the world. "Are you still mad at mom"? This was apparently wrong to ask. The conversation was confusing at this point, but It was all about me staying out of her and moms issues and dening that she was attempting to trick me into it. She even said she wasn't doing that to bash mom.

MOM AND SISTER FIGHT CYCLE
Mom and my sister fight.
Ny sister avoids my Mom.
My sister tells me about the fight.
My Mom calls her daily and then asks me how my sister is doing and tells me they fought.
Wether I stay out of it or not this happens.
Then My sister to laugh about mom in someway and wants me to do that with her.

I have to pretend that this isn't occuring cause she gets hurt and angry if I say I see this happening. If I trust my gut she gets hurt and says it is just my perseption. She uses ACA to prove she is right and I am wrong. But says she is not doing that. Like this was me having trust issues and bringing up the past. I think the reoccuring stuff shouldn't be denied in todays moment.

Really, all I did yesterday was ask her a question. I asked, “Did mom give that to you”? Which was to protect myself from being dragged into Mom and her cycle of abuse. It’s a day later and I am realizing I almost let her convince me I was wrong to protect myself. And, I am doubting that this wasn't caused by me from hearing that card readers prediction.

It seems that it is every three months if we are getting along I end up triggering something.

My gut clenches every time she asks me a question never knowing what sentance will set it off next argument.

I want to say this to her "If you do not get help for your tendency to abuse me I can no longer be in this relationship. You are responsible for all your wants, needs, and feelings not me. I don’t somehow cause you to manipulate or abuse me.
I step on an eggshell and you tell me how it’s my problem, I tell you how it is not my problem it is yours, and you tell me how it is my problem because I play a part. That is abuse. I am not responsible for you or how my living my life effects you, or how staying with me effects you".

Is this all wrong. Am I actually abusing her. Is this me blaming her? Is this abuse? Should I even bother asking her that or quitely get though till her dead line of end of Feruary and stop being close to her cause we haven't gotten along in 34 years and I am a happeier person when she is not in my life so much. Am I overreacting to normal sibling stuiff?

I need Help with this!

December 12, 2005
2:45 pm
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kathygy
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I think you were wrong to say 'did mom give this to you' because I suspect you knew what her reaction would be. it doesn't sound like you were trying to protect yourself rather you were playing right into the drama with her egging her on.

You could have just said 'no' if that is truly how you felt and let it go. If she then got all angry you could ignore her, detach from her anger. But you seem to be playing in to the drama, adding to the fire.

I can't really tell from your post what is really going on with you and your sister but you're only responsibility is to yourself. I think you need to take responsibility for your part in the relationship with your sister.

December 12, 2005
2:55 pm
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breakfree
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I am reading a book that directly pertains to this issue and it describes this type of behaviour as being a 'triangle' in the anger management cycle where people use a third peson to deflect their anger and not be as involved personally. If your sister can get you worked up and involved in her issues with your mother then she does not have as great of need to be angry, you are now angry for her or your mother as the case may be. I think you have picked a good route to try to stay as uninvolved as possible in their arguements. If your sister is taking advantage of her living with you, you really need to sit down and rationally discuss the situation. She is family but that does not mean you are obiliged to take her in and put a roof over her head especially at the cost of being uncomfortable in your own home. Perhaps she isn't aware of the situation between your mother and she is effecting you.

December 12, 2005
3:31 pm
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July1209
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It seems that when were are close I am not able to stay out of their drama. Not because I don't try. Part of the problem is I have let them both know many times that I want to stay out of their fights and not hear about it. I am not always as able. I had plans with Mom and My sister is living with me, so I can't just say it once or twice and have it respected. Both of them continue to do it.

In the past I only got out of it by staying away from them as much as possible and building my life outside the familiy.

Now we are trying to have a relationship and this just happened around my birthday. I was very volnerable. I had palns with mom and my sister lives with me. She had a bad day and in telling me all about it she told me about the fight. But, she also says she trys to respect that I don't want to diguse mom with her or their fights, but that she has so much she wants to and is trying not to.

So what is that book called? Does it tell you how to get out of it and still have a relationship with the person even if they can't respect your needs?

My sister is staying with me because she needed to and her daughter too. It was for 6 months and now February is the limit. I didn't think it was a good idea since we had only just started reconsiling our relationship. An insident of using my name to get out of a ticket was what ended our friendship. It was from that point on a holiday family relationship. I am happy to see you, but stay far away because you are dangerous to be close to.

I don't trust a sit down discussion won't get twisted around. I feel it is something only a therapist can get us past, but I don't feel it is coming from me. It doesn't occur in my other relationships. I don't trigger everyone elses anger. I can have conversations and resovle issues with others. I can't with m,y sister. What can I do?

December 13, 2005
1:57 pm
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July1209
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No. I have thought alot about this and it wasn't wrong to ask that at all. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells when I speak because something, who knows what, when or why, will set her off.

Here is why I need help. I let my childhood abuser into my home and I knew it was a huge and dangerious risk. February is coming and she has already started priming me to let her stay longer. Her drama with mom, she just looked at a place and it is too much money, she is scared, she may make too much money for affordable housing, she won't live with another person, she doesn't want Alex, my niece to move multiple times, can we get together after christmas to dicuss. She is bringing it up repeatedly.

I am just realizing too that the Saturday tarot reading just shook me out of my denial. I am sad and it scares me, but he was right. My sister is still jealous and possesive. I have been seeing it all along. I can see she is working on keeping it in line, but the emotional abuse is still there, and the underling emotions. I have brought certain situations up to her, but she denies it. She claims it is something else like concern or curiosity. But I don't trust she is being honest. She seems happy when she finds out I failed. It scares me. She doesn't physically abuse me any longer,but emotionally and mentally. She is strong willed on top of it, and I am easy going.

I feel helpless in this relationship. And want out.

December 14, 2005
11:08 am
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July1209
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Well, I told my sister I think there is abuse still in our relationship and she wanted to discuss it, but I said I don't trust having conversation directly with her. She said she was hurt she thought we were getting along. I still feel there is manipulation in it. There is also control, which is what makes it so hard for me to hold my ground, at least when we live together.

I said I want to discuss it together with a therpist because I have been bring the issue up and feel it is being denied. She said yes and we we will start right after christmas.

I don't know if this is a mistake. I am afraid it is somehow, like I am just prolonging the inevidable, which is distancing from her and accepting she will always try to manipulate and control me, even with ACA.

I am really sad. It is like so great that we are going to go to therapy together, but my sister has manipulated me into believing she changed many times before. When she started ACA she was very aware and responsible. Then I let her stay and I find myself confused during our conversations, lossing my confidence, feeling decieved, and wishing I said no to helping her. So how can I believe that if therapy works it isn't just a ploy to convince me she is healthy enough just to regain power and control over me.

I guess I am also feeling hopeless about this and scared it will not work and this pain will return.

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