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need support: save the marrigae or not
September 28, 2005
8:15 pm
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mixednuts
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Hi,
i had previously asked for support and advice and y'all were very helpfull.
I am married to a "fuctioning " Alcholic.
Last Monday i lost my cool and had physically attacked him , in front of his bar buddies.
I know how wrong that was ,but i can't take it back. At first he demanded that I leave "his" house, I told him when i could get a place of my own ( money problems}and i was in no hurry , he agreed to that, and for the past week we have been living civilly, (it is his house i am not on the deed and we have been married 3yrs.)
On Sat. , he had to leave town, and via phone asked me not to leave , he loves me and wants to try to work things out, with gaurenttees that i won't hurt him.
well he returned Sunday nite and has been out every nite since, Last nite when he came home buzzed up we spoke alittle , he doesn't know what he want's.
well he's out again tonight so no real conversation will occur again,
I do love him , i'm not sure whether to give him time or space,
or if he is just playing me.
he is a kind man, however he is passive aggressive, and he is not abusive, he can bring out the worst in me "sometimes"
has anyone dealt with this?
the advice i was given last week , i have taken the actions in reference to housing help and legal help.I go to on line alanon meetings, i'm not able to go to local meetings because i am unable to drive.
I'm just not sure i want to end it , without giving it another chance.
Help please

September 28, 2005
10:57 pm
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kc30
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Hi Mixed Nuts
I read your post, and this is the part that struck me the most:

"Last Monday i lost my cool and had physically attacked him..."

A marriage shouldn't drive someone this crazy. I'm not saying that YOU are crazy...believe me! I lived with a dry drunk, and honey...I wanted to attack him more than once- came very very close once, and I'm not at all violent, but it just brought out the worst in me. It was not healthy for me.

It's a crazy life you are living right now, I suspect...very intense and overwhelming feelings...at least it was for me. It doesn't have to feel like this...there is a better way, and I'm glad to hear you are going to al-anon, and posting here. My experience has been that these things help....

I don't have much advice to offer in terms of your marriage...only you can make this decision...but I believe I can relate to how you are feeling, and so can many others here.

Just keep talking it out...

kc

September 29, 2005
12:03 am
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Lass
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People in love with alcohol put that first in their lives. They can't help but seek her out, until she has hurt them enough to want to leave her. You have a mistress in your marriage, and she is booze.

Part of self-care is learning how to drive. Find someone to teach you!

September 29, 2005
12:14 pm
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mixednuts
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kc and lass thank you for responding,
i know the mistress too well lass, and you are right she will always be first,
Kc i have never before hit anyone , i had been a very non aggressive non violent person,
It seems if i listen to the advice and what i say , i shouldn't be i this mariage,
but loving the good parts of him make it hard to leave,
O lass i didn't mention i don't drive , i visiually imparied,
thanks for your help

September 29, 2005
3:25 pm
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exoticflower
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http://www.heartless-bitches.c.....buse.shtml

Mixed nuts, this paper was written dealing with the idea of the abuser gaining control by creating a scenario where they are the victim. I don't know if that is entirely the case here, but he is obviously working hard now to make you the aggressor and to tell you when to feel ashamed and for what. He is not asking for you to please stay, he is teaching you to doubt yourself and make your primary goal to win his forgiveness. Please be careful, it sounds like he is setting the stage for some crazymaking. If you felt compelled to attack him, you should really look at those reasons (I am sure there are some). Not saying that attacking someone is ever ok, just saying that reasons worth aggressive behavior are reasons to reconcider your relationship--NOT your sanity.

September 29, 2005
3:34 pm
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readyforachange
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exoticflower...Ilove that term you use: crazymaking. It is such a perfect word.

My ex was also a functioning alcoholic. Held a job (although he changed jobs often, about 10 times in 17 years), coached the kids' teams, didn't drink every day. That's why he was in such utter denial about his problem, and so was I.

mixednuts...what jumped out at me is that you are an otherwise passive, calm person who somehow went off the deep end and became physically violent.

This is part of the crazymaking...it is his intention to make you look crazy, to provoke you until you do things that are completely out of character. This way, you look like the unstable person with all of the problems, and he looks perfectly normal. Does this sound like it could be happening? I know it did in my case, and my ex was an expert at geting me to play his games. When I did, he would step back and say, "Calm down, get control of yourself, what's wrong with you..." He came out looking like the sane one...it took me a long time to realize this and remove myself from the insanity.

Look long and hard at your relationship....how willing is he to work at it? You can't change him, he will have to do that for himself.

September 29, 2005
9:41 pm
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mixednuts
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exotic flower and readryfor a change,
you have both opened my eyes to something i never even thought of , but what you both said makes so much sense,
he has stayed away from home every nite because he is afraid of me , sounds like i am a monster , but i know i'm not.
crazymaking that rings such a loud bell
thank you
i am willing to wait 1 more week , altough i have not told him that, i have to wait and see if he is serious about the relationship or if he is playing me.
does that make any sense?

thank you both

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