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Need support....alicat
November 22, 2005
4:48 pm
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Anonymous
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or am I worth IT?

November 22, 2005
4:53 pm
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Truly - as codependent - how can I trust my judgement????

Again - worth of a relationship is horrendously skewed when you are codependent. What's worth it to me would be worthless to someone else.

Just like saying how would I know what's rational or reasonable.

I thought it was worth it to stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic for three years - looking back, I know it was wrong....I had some seriously good times out of it....it helped me in alot of ways, to come out of my shell. But it was painful as well. But if you look at all painful experiences as opportunity for growth and learning, then it's worth it to stay.

So it's hard to say whether it's worth it. I don't even know if there is such thing as "better" in the codependent state of mind I am in. Perhaps this is as good as it gets until I am further along in recovery?

And in joint counseling, I am learning alot about my own behaviours that I "knew" were wrong, that I did (like talking to another adult as if they were two years old)...but yet, I don't know I am doing it when I am doing it...and I don't know how to correct it...thus therapy.

So how can I grow if I get out of this?

I KNOW I deserve better - but the question is - can this relationship BE better - he is putting forth effort on many levels - dropping the ball on others...it's a juggling game and yeah, we are both struggling.

still no closer to answers than I was this morning...still not leaning in any one direction.

November 22, 2005
4:56 pm
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I never had anyone pointing out things to me in therapy, I pointed them out to myself. My therapist helped do that too. I would just talk and she listened and I just spilled it all out there. She helps me put it all back together and in a way that makes me better. I support any choice you make. Just remember to take care of you first, sometimes that forces us to make decisions that are hard and change our lives but through change we grow. I wish I had some wonderful advice to give or something that would help you with your decision. But all I can do is listen and try and clarify if I am hearing you correctly and tell you what I think. Take care honey! I will be at work tomorrow so if you need to talk just post, Ill be here! Gayle (((HUGS)))

November 22, 2005
4:57 pm
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I have had four therapist and not one told me I talked to people like they are two years old.

again, I dont know I am doing it when I am doing it...or how to change it.

so that's my dilemna...perhaps I need a better therapist, I am on number five!

November 22, 2005
5:02 pm
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lollipop3
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Ali,

After reading all of your posts.....the best advice I can give you is the same advice that my best friend gave me when I was doing the same thing you are doing here. Her advice was..... do what you want to do.

Only you know what you really want to do. If you want to take him back to "honor" your promise...than do it. Why keep driving yourself crazy by trying to fight it.

I'm not trying to be flip here. I am actually quite serious. It is obvious by reading your posts that you are not ready to end this. So, as long as you have rent, bills, etc. covered and being with him is not going to jeopardize that....then fulfill your promise and give it to the end of the year.

One or two things will happen with that. Either you will continue therapy and actually "see" progress or you won't. If you don't....then deal with it at that time. Just remember not to expect to much....doing so will only disappoint you if he doesn't come through.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Lolli

November 22, 2005
5:07 pm
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lollipop3
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Ali,

"or am I worth IT?"

Please explain.

November 22, 2005
5:20 pm
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Tough challenge, Ali. You seem more committed to your bf than many married women. Your heart will give you strength if you follow it. The problem is the mind trying to justify it. Youre a great person helping others. Help yourself. Follow your book of rules. If you arent burning bridges (I didnt read all the last posts), youll just face another challenge. Ive never seen you speak as if to a 2 y.o. Actually I though youre older than you really are. It seems to me (not sure if repeating this) that ou and your boyfriend are on different speeds and it isnt easy to adjust for either one. Maybe you can meet halfway? (((((Ali))))

November 22, 2005
5:45 pm
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turnabout
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Lolli said basically what I was getting at.

You're talking yourself in circles here. Why? Because you're resisting your feelings on all this, trying to rationalize all the "shoulds" weighed against the fears, weighed against what you really want (but are probably afraid of wanting). It's no wonder you're feeling so scrambled!

In my experience, I get like that when I'm trying to deny or ignore a core fear. I've observed it in people I love, too. And when we let fear dictate our decision-making, it usually results in a decision we regret. It's those kinds of decisions that haunt us later with "what ifs." If this relationship is something you deeply value, but you chuck it just b/c you're scared, it will haunt you. This is what I mean by rational... not letting fear rule your decision-making.

And this questioning of whether YOU are worth IT is belittling self-talk... and it's self-destructive. Even if you never get the respect and consideration you need out of him, at least give it to yourself!

And, it's time to stop fixating on the down-talking (like someone's a two year old). You're letting that belittle you when actually it's just a symptom that will take care of itself as your self-esteem rises. Really. I'm serious. It isn't that nice hearing you have that habit, I know, but it doesn't reflect on your value in a relationship ... any relationship! It's just a bad habit and can be broken.

I know you're scared to death of losing this relationship to later regret it. Well, if you really can make it to January without endangering your credit, finances, or family relationships, then why no go until then? You'll have peace of mind about keeping your deal, and you'll be free to make a NEW deal ... one that recognizes all the chances he's had and wasted, and respects your need for some stability.

November 22, 2005
6:43 pm
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addicts wife
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(((((((((Ali))))))))
Gosh, I ma sorry youre having all this stress fro mevery direction especially right before a holiday.(((grrrr))))
I hve to run out quickly, but will be back a little later tonight or either FIRST thing in the morning....
I want ot be able to read everyting here before just replying, but i also just wanted topost my support, and give ya a hug (((((Alihugs))))))
Hope your tuesday evening is better than your Monday morning!!!
Thinking of you !!!
((((((hugs))))
"Aw"/J

November 22, 2005
7:14 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Perhaps it/s that lets see and what happens approach or, I don/t want to go thru the holidays alone, or we have worked so hard to make this relationship work, or maybe he will come thru with the money, or I don/t want to go thru the pain of a breakup, or if it didn/t work, I am a faliure. Only YOU really know the answers.

November 22, 2005
7:51 pm
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lollipop3
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Turnabout,

We seem to agree a lot here!

I went through this same exact thing with my b/f. Well, different situation, same results.

Seeing what Ali is going through here (and what I also go through), to me, is one of the worst parts about becoming "healthy".

Sometimes....insight and awareness just plain suck.

I believe that this internal struggle that we go through is because we HAVE gained insight and we ARE aware but we are not yet ready to face the truth. When that happens we are now faced with "dissonance" and the internal stuggle begins. What we want to believe is true vs. what is actually true.

I know for myself, sometimes it was easier before I began my journey to "healthy".

Why must it be so hard?

Ali....stop beating yourself up over this. Do what feels right to you and in time the answers will come....one way or the other.

I hope your doing okay tonight.

Lolli

November 23, 2005
8:39 am
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How are you doing today Ali?

November 23, 2005
8:59 am
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Oh lolli,

I said JUST THAT to him.

I hate this journey to healthy.

I told him that too.

I said that being healthy and being in this relationship TOTALLY contradict eachother. I told him that if I was truly healthy, I would not have even stayed in this relationship, or gotten in it to begin with.

That's when he said the best thing is to let me go, so I can be healthy....and the pain in his eyes, and the hurt in my heart was overwhelming.

I don't like this journey to healthy - if it means losing this person. But yet, if I think about it - the old me would have ended it under these circumstances too...and taken him back too. So I guess in some ways, not much has changed in that department.

This journey to healthy HURTS - I know when I set out on this path, I was prepared to let go of this relationship if it turned out to be not what I thought - to be unhealthy. I talked the talk, but I don't seem ready to walk the walk.

I read an exerpt in "language of letting go" last nite...about how when fears control us, we climb into our little "box", and pull the lid on tight. And it's comfortable and familiar in that little box. But our world is so much smaller in that little box. Safer, but smaller. And the only way out of that confining box is to open the lid and climb the ladder, face our fears and venture out into a bigger world.

That's what I feel like I did here. I feel like I got VERY angry. And my anger scared me. So I climbed back into my little box where I am alone, where I control my life, where I don't have to deal with anyone else but me, where I don't have anyone to make me angry. I want to pull the lid on tight.

Then there is a niggling feeling that it's time to just end it, cuz the struggle is too much....is that cuz I just want the comfort of the box, or is that the healthy voice speaking?

That's my dilemna.

I have to say, the last two days were peaceful - no contact - and I was okay with that.

So, is that the comfort of the box or is that healthy relief?

So that's where I am....it's not consuming me...so I HAVE made progress there...I am sleeping at night - which is a welcome relief...and I am not obsessing - it's on my mind, but I can push it aside to do other things...so it's not all consuming.

So I have made progress to healthy.

But yet, I can't figure out the answers to my questions.

Wait and see is my decision. That's all I can do...until I hear his new plan...totally pessimistic about whatever he will come up with...but will listen anyway.

That's where I am today.

You guys are the best.

November 23, 2005
9:57 am
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gayle
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Ali-you seem to have found some peace today! That is wonderful. I am glad that you are in a better place today. I'll catch you up with me on my thread. I am just glad that today is better and that you are more healthy than you used to be! That is a wonderful success! Gayle

November 23, 2005
9:59 am
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Gayle.

I am okay for now.

The old me would be stressing him and calling him demanding to know his plan RIGHT NOW. I was okay with waiting. I have thought about calling him, but the urge was controllable.

Yeah, that's progress.

I'll see you on your thread.

November 23, 2005
11:05 am
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turnabout
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Sounds good, ali. Sounds like a very reasonable decision to me.

November 23, 2005
11:31 am
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Glad to hear you are doing better Ali

🙂 Hugs Lost

November 23, 2005
11:36 am
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trying.....

November 23, 2005
12:49 pm
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Isis
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Hello alicat,

This is my first post, although I've been reading for a quite some time. The Spirit has moved me and I am compelled to write.

You've been a very supportive friend to many here and I'm happy for you that so many have returned the favor.

You're so strong and so honest with yourself. I'm so happy that you're finding peace in what you're doing.
BTW-I don't think you're hiding in your little box. IMHO you're most definitely on the path to healthy.
Keep on keep-in' on. Isis

November 23, 2005
12:51 pm
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Thank you Isis and WELCOME!

hope to see you posting more.

November 23, 2005
1:03 pm
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Regret
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alicat,

I don't really have anything to say. i just want you to know that i have silently been reading your story and am sorry you are going through all this right now. Change in any form is painful and I pray that HP will direct you to a place of calm and peace.

Peace to you!

November 23, 2005
1:06 pm
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garfield9547
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Hi Alicat

Just jumping in here. Do not have time to read all 96 replies. One thing I saw..............

Just something for you

When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Three your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, work, secrets, or affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted."
Dr. Martha Stout, (PhD) Author: The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us

November 23, 2005
1:09 pm
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Unfortunately,

we surpassed the three rule policy a long time ago - I think it's akin to three strikes you are out thinking.

I will use it going forward though.

November 23, 2005
1:32 pm
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Alicat

I see so much love for you here on this site.

YOU GO GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Garfield

November 23, 2005
1:51 pm
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brynna
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Alicat,

When you're talking about 'the box' where you are comfortable -- I think a lot of what you are experiecing is definitely fear of change...fear of the unknown. Sometimes, and it's hard to admit it to ourselves, we feel it's better to stay in a bad relationship than have no relationship at all. Afterall, how would we spend our time then? We're so used to trying to fix the relationship, work on relationship, save the relationship -- heck, or entire time and our entire life is devoted to the relationship. If it were gone, we'd have to find something else to do -- like actually take care of ourselves (LOL!). That's tough to do! Especially when you really truly desire deep down in your heart for things to go the way you WISH they COULD go -- though all the while, we're in love with an idea, a fantasty of what COULD be -- we're in love with the potential.

You say you are waiting and have peace with yourself during this waiting period. But, do you have a timeline for which you want to have this decision from him? He's keeping you in limbo -- stringing you along -- and he'll continue to as long as it benefits him and doesn't rock HIS boat.

Do you truly feel you are being patient becaus it's going to benefit you in the end? Or are you being patient because you know you are prolonging the inevitable? I'm not saying you have to do something *now* about it, but I'm just curious how you're looking at this waiting period at the moment.

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