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Need support....alicat
November 21, 2005
3:24 pm
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Struggling.

He showed up at my work - like clockwork. Always his M.O. in these situations.

We danced the dance - back and forth - back and forth - blaming, excusing, you name it.

The tears and feelings are genuine.....I have no doubt about that.

But the bottom line is - I don't know how to love him when I have so much hurt and pain over the financial mess he has caused.

I DO love him.

But there is ONE thing I have ZERO tolerance for - and that is my finances - mess with them and it's over. And he KNEW that since the day we met. Every single person I have lived with ended because of a financial dispute.

And now my relationship is too.

He asked me to write the letter to give to management - and he would sign it - so I could turn it in...I told him no, he could write it and hand it in himself.

We talked about continuing to date even if he lives in NY - and we both agreed it won't work - cuz once he is a NY resident again, he can't get his divorce any time soon - which is a rule I will NOT break this time. If he stayed in CT - he could get the divorce in June - as a CT resident. In NY - barring a great and expensive lawyer - there is no way for him to divorce his wife.

We danced and danced and danced....figuratively...he sees the pain he has caused me...says he knows the right thing to do is bow out.

Every time we talked, I tried to find a way to fix this.

But there is no fixing it...without me taking back what I said AGAIN.

I didn't back down. Wanted to, but didn't.

I don't know how to live with him, and not be a hawk, not be obsessed with our financial mess.

Also told him that when I "slip up", the things I do are not abusive - irritating, but not abusive. But when he comes back at me in anger, when he slips up...THAT is abuse and I can't take his abuse anymore - that I can't wait while he learns to control his temper, cuz every time he lashes out at me, or tells me I didn't listen AGAIN, it kills my self esteem...and he finally realized that HE treats ME like a two year old...that it isn't just me....he always said I talked to him like a two year old - he finally sees that his judgement of me was exactly something HE did himself.

He was going to go to the apartment and pack stuff - but ran out of time....so he went back to NY....thankfully we were interrupted by the boss...or we could have "danced" for hours.

So, now he will come back later on in the week and pack and turn in his letter.

That will give us time to cool off and time for him to think.

I know I want what I can't have, and that's an immediate solution to this financial mess...instead, the only solution is time and patience...and I am afraid I have run out of both.

Knowing my codependent streak, tomorrow, I will feel differently.

For now, I will just take some time alone, and hope I come up with answers....Thanksgiving is going to suck.

November 21, 2005
3:32 pm
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turnabout
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ali, everything he's saying is self-centered... focused on HIS feelings (how it hurt HIS pride to take the loan) and HIS OWN welfare (accusing you of short-changing him on the "plan"). Where's the concern over YOUR welfare? (providing a home for your daughter, protecting your credit, keeping your family out of his money problems) Where's the concern for YOUR feelings? (blaming you for feeling let you down, AGAIN, the nerve!)

Relationships are about working through problems TOGETHER, not expecting someone else to carry the burden for you. It sounds like he clearly DOES NOT have this perspective on your relationship. If you don't accept responsibility for fixing his problems, then you're supposed to hold yourself accountable for how the consequences of his irresponsibility makes him feel? How is that humanly possible? And how would that make his situation any better even if it was?

It's emotional blackmail. Giving into it will emotionally bankrupt you if it doesn't literally do so.

I know you're hurting and would probably give in to anything just to make the pain stop (at least, that's how I would feel), but please don't give in to his manipulation. You'll pay for it in the long run. Everything he's saying is about him. And, fittingly, everything he's saying also reflects on him and not you. You're trying to look out for everyone's needs. He's only looking out for himself. Just listen to him! It's there in his own words.

November 21, 2005
3:36 pm
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turnabout
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So sorry, sweetheart. (I started my post before your last was put up, so you can take it in context.) Cooling off time is definitely what you both need. I hope you can enjoy Thanksgiving with your daughter and it won't suck too bad.

November 21, 2005
3:37 pm
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Ali,

I have to agree with turnabout. Ypu might have mentioned it and i missed it but did he even ask what you were going to do about the rent?

November 21, 2005
3:45 pm
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Gayle and Turnabout,

I don't think he is PURPOSELY doing any of this.

I see how it looks. I won't deny it.

We only JUST started therapy - we both knew there were problems on both sides of the fence...his and mine. Communication was step one - selfishness would have been step two.

Had we gotten that far.

But I lost patience in step one. Perhaps this was too little too late.

He is hurting...he would do anything to make this right...but at this point in the game - there isn't anything.

We started therapy cuz we were at the end of the rope...and we knew if we didn't - we would end.

He knew he had done plenty to hurt this relationship - and he was willing to work to fix it - but as he said, it's not an overnight process. I agreed to work on it, but lost patience.

We knew it would get worse before it got better - I didn't expect to feel this bad though, when I agreed to stick it out.

I know that his words show that it's all about him and his feelings - and I spared nothing - I did let him know how it is for me and that it's not all about him.

I don't think his words were that of someone who is doing this intentionally - just like my codpendence isn't something I do intentionally. I think it's just part of his "programming".

He has seen how some of his past actions were selfish - and realizes the damage those did...I know that with therapy and constant discussion - there could be progress.

But right now, I am too damn tired to keep working at this. The last thing I need is to be broke at the holidays, and yup, here I am.

Once he turns his letter into the management, we are done...there is no going back, no turning back. It's over.

I'm hurting.

November 21, 2005
3:50 pm
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When I emailed him, I told him what I was going to do about the rent.

I offered management to pay it back in four payments - they declined, so I will pay it back in three....will leave me short for three weeks, but my mom will help out with food and gas if I need it.

He knows what I am doing.

He is angry cuz I offered him the loan and then renegged (sp?) on the offer.

I did the loan offer out of desperation to "rescue" us...but when I realized that I would owe my brother again - I got angry - at myself for rescuing...that's when all this happened.

And today I did explain WHY I changed the offer and how I am trying to be a healthier person, and that it's hard to be with him and be healthier, cuz I keep getting put into positions to rescue him - and I decided I didn't want to rescue him this time...he didn't see this as rescuing him...but as helping US out of this mess. I explained how it was the same as the time I went out and financed a car for him...he says no, cuz this time he agrees to the loan, but at the time, was against the car...funny, I don't remember it the same way...but then again, he would say it's cuz I wasn't paying attention (like always).

So I said that when I decided not to recue him is when I decided he had to fix this himself...and he can't.

But I knew that....and knew there was no taking it back this time.

what have I done?

November 21, 2005
3:55 pm
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and one other reason for therapy was LEARNING how to work on things TOGETHER.

Cuz neither of us know how to do that.

We both have control issues (can you tell?).

I know the answer is that we are both better off going our separate ways...but right now, the thought of that hurts too damn much.

I truly thought we had half a chance of saving this relationship - together.

November 21, 2005
4:11 pm
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turnabout
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ali, I never said that he was doing this on purpose, and didn't intentionally imply it. I was, however, telling you quite bluntly what was in his words and what was missing from them. I'll leave it to you decide the reasons.

Truth is, his reactions remind me very much of my own ex who I'm still crazy about in some ways. You're right. It's all in the programming. I sympathize with my own ex b/c of this and still love him in spite of it. But sympathizing with his limitations doesn't mean I'll excuse his rationalizations for all his bad decisions and disrespectful treatment. I can't afford to excuse them. And, ironically, HE can't afford for me to excuse them either ... being just one more enabler of his self-destruction.

And he DOES have options, ali. We ALWAYS have options. Surely your brother isn't his only chance of getting a loan. What about HIS contacts? What about living with a friend in state? What about ... anything! What about making your relationship a priority? I know there are extenuating circumstances around his divorce, but ... why does it have to be all or nothing? I just don't understand how his options can be SO limited.

November 21, 2005
4:32 pm
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I understand your points - and you are dead on.

He has no friends. And his brother is on welfare, and his mom and grandma have nothing.

His truck needs new tires, he is on the verge of a blowout, which would defeat EVERYTHING - and his mom is going to buy them for christmas, but doesn't have the money now.

Grandma is on a fixed income and is tapped out.

He has NOBODY else...his dad died when he was 7 and his step dad is not helpful at all.

He took a cash advance out from work ten weeks back - which bailed us out of one mess - but made another one - so this isn't even an option right now..cuz of what it did last time.

Beyond this, I am all he has...his family, his ex wife and me...all he has...he has alot of "acquaintences", but even that has dwindled since he moved here.

We are out of options.

He has been trying for a second job for months. I know the effort he has put into it...I know he has been for interviews...for the life of me, I don't know why he isn't getting called back...for the life of me it kills me to know he isn't calling them to find out why either...part of his esteem issues, I suspect.

Here's the options -

Let him stay on the lease and wait to see if he pays me back - if he doesn't - take his name off the lease then...this would require a great deal of effort on my part - cuz I am not comfortable with him owing me money again.

Take his name off the lease and he moves permanently in with his mom. Down the road, he will get his own place in NY. I can date him again then - but that would break my rule about not dating him cuz the divorce isn't in the works.

Take his name off the lease - and not date him.

His job is in NY - he has nobody here in CT, but me. So staying here is not an option.

I just don't see any other options.

Not trying to shoot down your efforts at all...I will welcome all ideas...just don't want you to think I am being negative...just want to be clear about what the situation is and what our options are.

November 21, 2005
4:35 pm
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Sweetie,

I hate to say it but it seems like the negative is out weighing the positive. I think you are doing the right thing.

Hugs, Lost

November 21, 2005
4:36 pm
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Ali,

I have to agree with turnabout.

No one said that he was doing this on "purpose". I don't think that my b/f is some evil person who wakes up every morning and thinks to himself "gee, what can I do to f$#% with Lolli today". But that doesn't change the facts. Whether he does it intentionally or not, he still does it....and you (me) are being hurt by it. The why's about their behavior does nothing but take the focus off of ourselves and drives us nuts in the process.

Also, you keep saying...."he is trying" and he "would do anything to make this right". Ask yourself, honestly, what has he done? Going to a few therapy sessions to save a relationship is not "doing anything" to make this right. What he did was run away and move in with Mom so she can take care of him instead of you. At least that's the way it looks from here.

It's been months and he's still been unable to pick up a second job?

Ali, I am sorry if sound harsh. I honestly don't want to add to the pain that you are feeling right now. But honestly, I don't see any change in him from when you first starting posting.

And what he is doing right now is abusive. Again, you say he is "trying" and "would do anything..." but all he is doing is manipulating you and making you feel guilty. He is laying the blame for all of this at your feet. He is telling you that if you don't continue to enable him....he is breaking up with you....AND HE'S MAKING YOU BELIEVE THAT WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!!

You need to trust yourself Ali....not the inconsistant words of a man who has hurt you over and over again. Stick to your boundaries.....you won't be sorry.

((((Hugs))))

Love,
Lolli

November 21, 2005
4:57 pm
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turnabout
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Hey, no ... that clears it up.

So, he has nearly NO options now b/c he's blown it when he DID have options. Right?

Not your problem.

Personally, I have a problem with you seeing someone whose divorce isn't even in the works. It isn't a moral problem (b/c I won't go there), but a self-preservation problem. YOU limited your options with that one. (Sorry to sound harsh. I've been in a kind of "tell it like it is" mode lately, can't you tell? Felt the need to get that one out of the way so we could move on to what you can do NOW.)

One question, why down the road does he get his own place in NY? Why not in CT near you? I know his work & family is in NY, but if his preference is to stay w/ you in CT in the first place.... See where I'm going? Why wouldn't he come back to CT after getting back on his feet if he really wants to be with you?

And you asked it yourself. Why isn't he calling up these people to learn why he isn't getting callbacks?

I'll tell you why. He isn't desperate enough. He's desperate enough to attack you for not fixing his problems, but not desperate to look at himself squarely. And I'm afraid there's only one way he'll get desperate enough.

I don't know if this is the end or not, ali. I'm NOT going to tell you to kick him to the curb. There are some valid reasons you are drawn to this man I'm sure. Even without discussing them, I'm aware they are real and wouldn't dare try to disprove them. But I do think you're right on track to stop rescuing him, whatever that entails. It sounds like he needs to run out options. It's usually at that point when any one of us will get creative to come up with our OWN solutions. I know it makes you feel helpless, but you're actually making great use of your own power by asserting autonomy over your OWN life. And that stands a better chance of helping him than "rescuing" him. You'll be an example of what he needs to do for himself at the very least.

November 21, 2005
5:01 pm
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Lolli,

the plan to move to mom's was not for his own purposes - it was to save money - so we could get caught up - money he would be spending on gas and car maintenance. orginally the goal was to have a second job by now, so he/we could even get ahead. Mom is not taking care of him by any means - she is not like that - he pays a nominal fee to live there too. Not alot, but enough to make him accountable.

so far, nothing on that front....and yeah, it's been months.

As far as trying and would do anything....that was the purpose of therapy - he doesn't know he is doing it when he is doing it...like I said, he has to undo HIS programming, just like I have to undo mine...it's control issues for BOTH of us. He has been in individual therapy for months now and we just started joint.

His knee jerk reaction was to blame me - but in the end, when we were done dancing - he admits the truth - adn the truth being he created this mess and it's hurting me to be with him...when he came here, we explored our options - and the bottom line is - if he moves back to NY - there is no more us - not cuz HE decided it, but because of a boundary I set.

I want his divorce done...if he stayed in CT - he gets the divorce - if he moves back to NY - he doesn't.

So by not enabling him - he moves back to NY - and he doesn't get his divorce - and I ****can't**** date him cuz of a boundary I set about dating him if the divorce is not in the works.

He doesn't want to break up with me - he was just reminding me that if he moves back to NY - we are done - not cuz he wants it, but because of a past conversation of ours - and it's true...I told him that if there was no divorce, and he lived in NY, with no future divorce in the works, I would not date him. I have to stick to that or I will end up dating a married man forever...which is not acceptable any more.

Ending the lease IS my idea.

And in essence - ending the lease ends our relationship - simply because of the divorce issue.

Lolli, please don't think I am in denial or excuse making or anything....I know what this is.

I also know I can't type everything that was said or done here...would be way too much...

He has come a long way in some things...other things need work...and some thing needed a counselor to supervise, cuz I wasn't going to tackle them alone...and now we started that...I know you can't see the progress...nobody but we can.

In the end, I will hurt, and I will grieve...I don't see a solution to this, so I doubt it will go any other way...I know this pain will end "some day"...but for now, I know it's normal to feel it.

I know the right way to feel about this - I know what is healhty, what is not...I have enough anger inside to stick to it...but I still have enough love to make me hurt over it....and enough codepedent behaviour to sit and do the "what if" thoughts...and the wishing I could do other things to fix it.

I am plenty angry at him - and he knows it. I do communicate with him...and when I am this angry, if he starts his blaming and such - I am able to turn it back around.

I did create some of this mess - I enabled him for so long - I did things in a codepedent controlling way that caused problems...and these things haunt our relatiionship.

I will not be totally to blame here...but I have some "responsibility"...but not gonna beat myself up for it either....trying not to anyway.

November 21, 2005
5:13 pm
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Turn -

cuz the goal was always to get back to NY.

I let him set down a plan for getting there in January...well, that failed...

so we pushed it out until June - because I would not uproot my daughter any other time (half way thru the year, ok, but not any other time).

So we had the goal of june.

So the bottom line was - he had NO intention of staying in CT for any longer than necessary.

And that included his job - if he could afford to stay in NY while living in CT - that was his plan.

He is locked into NY job until first of the year - he agreed to consider the budget before continuing past that - and if the budget didn't allow for a NY job, he would get a CT job until June.

But ultimately the plan was for us to move to NY.

If he moves back to NY, then comes back to CT - it resets the "residency clock" and he won't be able to get his divorce until he has been a CT resident for 12 full months...we have already been thru half of it already - so if I date him when he comes back, I still date a married man...which is something I am opposed to going forward.

You don't need to go down the road about the dating a married guy thing - been there, know that - won't make the mistake again. I truly believed it would happen - and so many obstacles I never considered - so I won't make that mistake again...and don't want to make it going forward.

Yes, he did blow it when he had options.

Yes, I wonder just how desperate he has to be to get a second job...I think we can all judge how we would do it better - but bottom line is, we can't make him do it or do it for him...and I know that it's infuriating knowing that perhaps IF he had done something else - like call them back - he may have a job - but again, it's all about "what if"....and there is no evidence he would have a job anyway....so there is no sense obsessing over it.

I guess I don't see our options here....unless he does get his second job - then moves to CT - then gets his divorce, then we can start dating again...but we are talking at least 18 months of no dating here...alot can change in that time - including my feelings.

I don't know.

I know that taking him off the lease alleviates all stress over finances....but is that truly the answer? or is just a piece of a larger puzzle and this is a no win situation?

November 21, 2005
5:14 pm
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Ali,

I hear you say all the time that you are taking responsiblity for part of this. I hear this all the time and I say it to myself all the time....we need to take responsibilty....blah, blah, blah.

But taking responsibilty for what....is the question.

As I've said to you before.....you are not the one that cheated. You are not the one that lied. You are not the one that can't come up with rent. You are not the one that is married.

Perhaps you are thinking that you are responsible because you are codependent and reacted to all these things with anger and you tried to control the situation to avoid the pain of facing the truth. That does not make you at fault here Ali....that makes you human.

You are not to blame for how this is turning out. You ARE responsible for the fact that you CHOSE to be with an irresponsible, immature, married man. That is where your responsibilty lies, and it is to yourself...not to him.

Trust yourself.

Love,
Ali

November 21, 2005
5:14 pm
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turnabout
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Well, ali, sometimes we get to the point where we do run out of options. Part of being an enabler (codependent) is trying to invent options when there aren't any. You do well to recognize it if your hands are tied and it's now up to him to fix his own messes. He does well, too, if he's able to surrender in allowing you to meet your own needs even when they are inconvenient for him. I wish you both the best, together or separately.

November 21, 2005
5:14 pm
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Ummmmm.....I meant.....

Love "Lolli"

November 21, 2005
6:29 pm
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Ali, I couldnt pass your post w/o saying take care of yourself and of your daughter and try to work with boyfriend. I cant say How better than alll the advice you received. I just want not to forget your priorities so you keep afloat. It seems youre grieving a separation from bf already, a lack of communication that already exists. Try not escalate to turn it into a self fulfilling prophecy but dont neglect your work - perhaps it comes before bf?

Im a little crazier after letting go of work to finish masters degree and keep husband. Now I lost not only work but the speed I had and things got sluggish, less productive, I ruminate more... 14 yrs mmarried and then I found out I wasnt getting through to my husband because I lost myself in the process, didnt even know what I really was about.

Youre smart, loving and dont need bf to drag you down. Maybe hes on a slower train and will never catch up? Desppite how hard you try.

And try not to erode your family relationships. Tks for your mom giving you some support and she's close to you and your daughter. That's a plus.

Hope I didnt project anything here...
A big hug to you 🙂

November 21, 2005
11:35 pm
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>>>>>>>>>>>>>>BIG HUG<<<<<<<<<<<<<< It's tough to struggle financially with the holidays with someone you care about who is not helping either. I'm actually in a similar situation financially. I'm a big believer in taking care of the basic human needs - food, clothing, shelter. I'd like to give you advice in that arena rather than how to go with your relationship, because a lot of other people are more on top of this forum system than me and can give advice quicker. Focus on your rent. Worrying about relationship will get you sidetracked from goal of avoiding homelessness. With eviction, most states have a law where you have thirty days AFTER you've been ordered by the court for eviction. But you still have to have a court date. Meaning, you have 2-3 months at least until your final day. So breathe a little easier, you have a little time. Gathering rent money - Contact your local Department of Social Services and ask for help. They either have money or can direct you to local county resources that have rental assistance. Or local Community Services Board (if CT has it). Also contact local churches. Within the Catholic Church is the Society of St. Vincent de Paul. Every Catholic church has a branch of it. It gives out food, clothing, and assists with rent, utilities, and medical expenses. You don't have to be Catholic to go. It sounds like you've tapped out borrowing from family to make ends meet, but I'm here to tell you (because I hook people up for a living to resources like this too) that there are resources out there to tap into. Let pride go and ask. Check surrounding counties too. I know CT has more towns and cities, but they are also divided into counties. Investigate getting on a section 8 waiting list for reduced housing (from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development). From a personal perspective, I don't want to be homeless. So I will do whatever it takes (short of breaking the law) to do it. Be it work more or get a second job. This past week I told my husband I could not count on him financially to pay rent or bills. As far as I am concerned, I am paying for myself. I am too stressed with worry about trusting him when he hasn't come through (read my codependent counseling at home post for more info). So I decided to quit worrying. I know I can count on me to support me. Do you? Maybe for christmas, give gifts that are cheap or handmade. I paint stuff to give to family members, like figurines and stuff that you can get from the dollar store. Christmas is about family, no presents. It's okay if you don't have big expensive ones. Last year I was working with a homeless family facing eviction. The mother was freaking out about rent. Come Chritmas, found out she spent $400 on her credit card for a gold necklace for herself and one for her daughter. Needless to say she got evicted rather than return the items to have a roof over her head. Get a back up plan. A worst case scenario. Who could you and your daughter live with. Who do you trust that;s a friend to live with you to help with bills. Another option is to go ahead a move into a smaller place and put your belongings in storage. By the Fair Housing Act, being it's you, your man, and daughter, or just you and daughter, you need only a one bedroom apartment and convert a living area into a bed room. People do it in the big cities all the time. Lower your living expectations. Focus on what you NEED rather than what you WANT. You don't NEED cable tv. You don't NEED to eat steak every night. I'm not saying you do, but honestly examine where you can cut corners. !!!Let your survival mode kick in!!! Take care of your human needs. Don't let the drama overwhelm you - focus. From experience, if you daughter is 12 or over, let her know some of what is going on financially. Keeping it a secret will be harmful if the worst happens. Don't pretend like nothing is wrong, you might find your greatest support and champion in your daughter. He's not scrambling like you are because someone has always bailed him out. His family, you in so many ways it seems. But who is helping you out?? Not him. Excuse my long rambling post. He appears to be a manipulator who doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. If he really wanted a divorce, he'd have one by now. If he really didn't want to be in debt, he would have busted his ass working. Don't make excuses for him. Do what _you_ NEED to do to keep yourself afloat.

November 22, 2005
9:13 am
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Thanks storm,

I have looked at all the options.

I can't get on section 8 or any other housing or any other assistance because I am just above poverty level - I don't qualify.

My rent is rent controlled - so there is nothing cheaper.

I could move to a cheaper place, but would require moving out of town, which would mean uprooting my daughter from her school - which is something I was going to do before, but for BETTER - not worse...I won't take her out of a good school for a bad school in a cheaper city.

I have figured out how to pay for my rent - I just have to figure out how to get gas in my car and food on the table.

My mom helped with my grocery bill so far and will continue as long as she can.

I do work a second job and that will help with both gas and food, and I am cat-sitting for the thanksgiving holiday, so that will get me some too.

I think I got the finances covered.

The problem I face is how do I come home to his face, and play nice with him, when I am seething with anger over his responsibility in putting us in this position, anger with me letting it happen, and how do you play nice and be loving and sleep next to this person that you are so angry at....my defense has always been to flee.

So I fled.

I don't know any other way.

Thanks for the tips - I was a welfare mom and got good bank christmas and thanksgiving food, so I know the routines...I didn't want to ask the church for anything - but if it's bad ENOUGH - I will swallow my pride and ask.....for now, I think I am okay....and yeah, christmas gifts have been purchased at yard sales and spruced up, or they are going to be homemade - I am only getting my daughter a few special things - nothing like a $400 necklace - and this is the year she may have to learn there is no santa claus...cuz mommy is broke.

Again, I am so angry at him for letting it go this far, and angry at myself for allowing it.

Anyway, today is a new day....we'll see what potential it holds.

November 22, 2005
9:58 am
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turnabout
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Do you consider this fleeing? kicking him out, I mean. It doesn't look that way to me. I understand what you're saying about it being your pattern... things get too hard, and you just bail, right? But I don't see that being the case here.

November 22, 2005
10:15 am
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gayle
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Ali- I am in the midst of my own stuff right now but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and keeping up with your thread. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS))) Gayle

November 22, 2005
10:25 am
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Anonymous
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Oh gayle, I hope all is well with you - you seemed like things were going so well for you...share?

Turnabout - the reason I say flee is that I lost patience in sticking out the plan and seeing it thru - trying to work it out....talking and sharing my feelings instead of quitting....that's what we were supposed to be doing and why we were in therapy.

November 22, 2005
10:58 am
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turnabout
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Well, maybe you could have handled it better (hindsight being 20/20 and all), but as you pointed out, the options were severely limited. Sounds like you guys did talk it out when he showed up at work, and I'm sure you can make up for what wasn't said when the cooling off period has passed and he comes back for his things.

November 22, 2005
10:58 am
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Anonymous
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Ali,
How are you feeling today?
Thinking of you, Lost

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