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Need support - after a month of being nasty he says he wants another chance?!?
July 25, 2006
1:14 am
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joy2flow
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I've been reading posts and replying to some but this is my first time asking for advice. I'll try to summarize my story but it's hard. My b/f and father to my 2 1/2 yr old daughter has been verbally and emotionally abusive for 3 1/2 years. It feels like we've perfected the abuse cycle. I finally hit my "enough is enough" on 6/7/06 and packed a few things, including pictures and keepsakes I didn't want destroyed, and went to my parents house for 10 days to get away from him and the fear I've lived with for so long that I can't remember not being afraid. During the time away we talked briefly a few times, but mostly exchanged voice mails. In a matter of 6 hours he left 6 to 8 messages, the 1st few were nasty, calling me names, threatening to call the police for taking "his" daughter, accusing me of steeling his things; the next few were crying, begging and pleading me to answer or call him back, stating he couldn't live without me, that he wasn't going to "make it"; then the next few were nasty again, threatening to take everything from our daughters room, calling me names etc. I came back on Father's Day so he could see Daughter after having what I felt was a normal mature conversation. He had come through with some threats and it's been hell living here, but we own the house together, and don't want him to destroy any more of my things. Constantly getting nasty voice messages, calling me names, accusing me of being a bad mother, etc. etc. Now tonight, after 6 weeks of being nasty, mean, and angry all the time, he says he misses me and wants another chance. Says he will do whatever it takes...anything, cause he doesn't want to loose everything. It will kill him not seeing "his" daughter everyday, and if he only sees her 4 days a month it will be too hard, so he just won't see her at all. Said he will just go away one day, and not say goodbye. I told him I felt he said that to make me feel guilty - which of course it does... but he just doesn't get how much he has hurt me... I can't EVER
go back, 3 strikes and your out, but will the guilt ever go away?

July 25, 2006
1:29 am
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jewel
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I would get out while you can. Abuse is very serious and you never know when he will do something really extreme. I am not too familiar with situtions like this as I have never been in one, but welcome and there are many people here that can give you a helping hand. Stay safe with your daughter.

July 25, 2006
1:36 am
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lovinglife
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classic abuse Joy. You are doing the right thing.

The guilt part does away- eventually. These types of men (people) use the guilt card as a way of keeping us in the relationship even though with every ounce of our being we know we shouldn't stay- we shouldn’t go back.

You have to protect your daughter just as you as doing. Look at it this way- would your rather feel some guilt NOW over a very abusive man- then feel guilt if you stayed because of what your daughter would have been put through growing up in an environment like that?

July 25, 2006
1:38 am
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lovinglife
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oh, and a little suggestion to help you along the way.. check out the No Contact thread out. Start with reading the first message at the top of the thread.

July 25, 2006
1:42 am
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joy2flow
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Thanks Jewel. After re-reading my post I have to clarify some things. my b/f has never hit me, but has pushed me into a door and I called the police for that incident, however I could not bring myself to press charges. It has taken 3 years for me to accept that this is my reality and I'm not watching a TV movie. He mostly rages in anger, intimidating, bullying type behavior (i.e. slamming doors, breaking things, punching doors/walls). I am ending this relationship - but will not leave my house until it is sold because it is my childhood home. It has been easy to detach with him being nasty. My emotions are a wreck tonight because he is being nice, and saying he'll do anything... although I don't trust those words - too many times he's said this and things just go right back. I'm getting off this merri-go-round but having a hard time dealing with the "nice" side he showed tonight.

July 25, 2006
8:37 am
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kke22417
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joy~

I can feel your pain...are you my twin? lol

I am having the exact problems you are...I can offer you no advice because I am in the same situation (and I'm not handling mine very well at all)I can only offer you a hug and my support...

((((joy))))

July 25, 2006
8:59 am
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lightchaser
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Your experience sounds very similair to mine, except I was in this relationship for 13 years. After we had a child it became difficult for me to ignore what was going on, because I saw the hurt and confusion in her face. My daughter is 3 years old.

My ex never hurt me physically, but one night shoved me hard into the refrigerator and that shook me up pretty bad. To me that was at least 1 line he hadn't crossed and I knew it would mean bad news for me. There were no lines he wouldn't cross eventually. It may take 20 years or 30 years until he first hit me, but he would do it.

So in february, I took my daughter one day while he was at work. I tore my whole life apart. I didn't care about the house I own, because at this point I want it over. there are too many bad memories there. I will still get half the money when it is sold.

The guilt is a horrible thing. I feel much less guilt than I did 5 months ago. It surfaces occasionally, but I know I did the best I could, and you are too.

One thing that is weird is that after you are out for a while, you look back and you start to think, " How did I live that life". Right now it is all you know, but later on you will just look back and realize hoe disfunctional it all is.

It is important to take good care of yourself and focus on you and you child during this time. Currently, I am not doing too good at that, but I am gonna keep trying. SOmetimes in this process you fall down, and you just have to be kind to yourself.

I am glad that for you it doesn't sound like are going back with him. They know exactly how to fool you, but don't let it happen. You KNOW him. you KNOW his patterns. He will abuse you again, and your child will witness this. He will be violent again. ( I know your saying " he only pushed me") That is violence and it turns into more violence. Like I said it may take 10 years, but it will happen and nexttime it might not be a push and after that it may be your child he is being hurtful towards. You just don't know.

Be strong!!!

July 25, 2006
11:14 am
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joy2flow
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kke - thanks for the hugs and right back at ya - maybe we are twins!! I honestly would prefer he continue being nasty because it's so much easier to do what I know the right thing for me is. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing, I know now that NONE of us deserve this treatment (((kke)))

lightchaser - I know I'm doing what's best for myself as well as our daughter and my 2 other children from a previous marriage. I know it is just a matter of time before he does hit me. But the guilt I feel about leaving him all along (his words to me last night) taking his daughter away is so strong, seeing her run to him calling his name....that is killing me. Please tell me it gets easier!!!!! I have already felt the "how did I live like that" even though we are living in the same house but am praying for the day that he is OUT for good. Sounds like you did a very couragous and difficult thing when you left in February. I'm torn at times because although I'm afraid one day he will just snap and do something really bad to me, I just can't leave my things and everything I've worked for my entire life. I know that's probably stupid, but I would feel like he won again if I did leave.

Again thanks to you both for responding. Kke - hang in there, you are doing the right thing too, and we can't let them back in - they will never change without help and the desire to be different!

July 25, 2006
5:13 pm
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nappy
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Listen to what these people are saying to you. It brought back so many memories with my parents. I'm sure that before she started having kids my father was abuses to her. He didn't stop even when she had childrens. I know for a fact that he beat her when she was carrying my brother and sister. I can't count how many times my mother would leave him and can't count how many times that she went back. As a little girl, I knew that going back to him wasn't good. Each time the beating got worse. I think also that she felt that he wasn't going to do that again but he did. When she finally left him, I knew that he was hurt and sad and probably knew this time that she wasn't coming back but it was to late for my mother. She was beating so badly over the years of her marriage that she develope cancer in the spot that he was hitting her. My mother didn't have time to live her life after my father, she died. So when these mens are crying and begging for that person to come back, yeah they will be nice for a minute but it doesn't last long.

July 25, 2006
8:41 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Joy,

Yes. You have got yourself hooked up with a classic Abuser. Here is a posting by Laura Wilkinson...a quiz about Abuse which you may find very helpful. May it strengthen you in your resolve to stop taking this abuse.

Take the Abuse Quiz!Laura Wilkinson

This is a list of abusive behaviors that you (or your loved one) might be experiencing right now. Look at this list; be honest with your answers. No one else is looking. Don't answer them with, "yes, but ..." Just answer yes or no to these questions. Then we'll talk about them at the bottom.

Does your spouse or significant other:

Hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
Threaten to hurt you or your children?
Threaten to hurt friends or family members?
Have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
Behave in an overprotective manner?
Become jealous without reason?
Prevent you from seeing family or friends?
Prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
Deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts, credit cards, or even the car?
Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
Force you to have sex against your will?
Force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
Insult you or call you derogatory names?
Use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
Humiliate you in front of your children?
Turn minor incidents into major arguments?
Abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
Withhold affection from you?
Now, if you were honest and answered them truthfully, here is a statement that might shock you. If you answered YES to even ONE of those questions, you are being verbally abused.

I realize that you may have said, "Well, yes, but he does it because he loves me, or because he worries about me, or he doesn't realize he's doing it." I want to take each one of those "justifications" and show you why it's just an excuse.

First of all, there is never any acceptable reason for physically hurting you. Not "Oh I didn't mean to," or "You just took it wrong." Not even "It was an accident," especially if it happens repeatedly.

As far as threats are concerned, threats are a means to coerce you into submission to what HE wants you to do. No human should be forced into doing anything they don't want to do. If he threatens to hurt you or your children or your family or even your pet, he is trying to MAKE you do what he wants. There is no acceptable excuse in the world to justify that one.

If he's prone to outbursts anger and jealousy, these are also methods of "keeping you in line." He knows that you will adjust YOUR behavior in an attempt to prevent HIM from acting in such a way. Being overprotective is simply a way to control what you do, by saying "Oh I just don't want you to get hurt." You are a big girl. You can handle yourself - he just wants you to think you can't.

I sure hope this helps.

Love,

Strong

July 25, 2006
11:48 pm
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joy2flow
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Nappy - thanks for your comments. I know life is too short to stay in this relationship.

Strong - yes everything I read helps me a little more. Thank you.

Now - tonight, he comes to me all teary eyed and says he knows I'm not willing to give the relationship another try now, but would I leave the door open for him. He says he wants to get help for himself and will be in counseling weekly, and asked if I would be willing to at least talk to him about it in 6 months to a year...says he can't live like this anymore either and that he knows he has trust issues. I told him that I would have to see ALOT of improvement, and I couldn't guarantee anything but I would talk with him. How do I know if he is being sincere or if this is just one more manipulation he's trying out?

July 26, 2006
8:12 am
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StronginHim77
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You will know he is sincere after he gets out there and gets into counseling and STICKS WITH IT for a period of time. Establishes a track record of doing the work.

This is not going to be a "quick fix." I think your response to him was very reasonable. Make his tow the line. Don't take him back just because he is scared and begging. If you took him back now, he would revert to "normal" within mere days.

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