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Need someone to listen, please respond
September 19, 2005
1:25 pm
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mohammad
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Hello! This is my first time writing or viewing this website. I guess that when I woke up this morning, not wanting to get out of bed- or do anything- it was time to take the bull by the horns and figure out what is wrong with me. I have been told before by my ex-mother-in-law, that I am co-dependent. I hated her for telling me this.
I decided to look up co-dependency on the internet today, and I have to say- she hit the bulls eye. I am in a unhealthy relationship. I guess I am so use to pointing the finger at my husband, maybe I am the one that needs to change. It is easy for me tosee all of the things that he is not doing right.
He works a lot, on the road. When he is back, he is sleeping, or off with his friends. To me, this isn't right. I am the one taking care of a small child at home, cooking, cleaning and doing various other things to keep the household on track. And instead of showing me his appreciation, he shows his friends a good time. This make me feel so bad. Like he doesn't appreciate me. He was going to be home all day on Saturday, I asked him "so, what would you like to do today?", he got mad. "Nothing, if I want to do something- I'll tell you, don't ask me." Don't ask you? What -I don't have an opinion, a thought- I am a person too. The day was ruined because of my question. He made me miserable and said horrible and hurtful things to me all day. He made me feel like I was nothing. My birthday was three months ago. I wanted perfume($50). He said he didn't have the money. Funny, he has been out with his friends a million times since then, and has spent hundreds of dollars, yet he doesn't have $50 for my perfume. It's not the point of the perfume, it's the point that he doesn't care what makes me happy. He doesn't make me feel important. He claims he loves me with all of his heart, his family and friends will claim the same. I believe that he loves me- I just don't think that he had good examples of what a husband and wife are. I guess we know what we know. Although, can't people change? I know you shouldn't try to change people- I changed for him. I feel like if he truly loved me, he would try to change and put me first-instead of his friends. What do his friends do for him? Do they cook, clean, take care of his son, offer emotional support? When we first met, he took me to dinner etc. etc. talk on the phone all night long and go to work with no sleep. Now he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone, funny, because he uses over 4,000 minutes a month on his cell phone. We use to be best friends, but once our son was born, he found new best friends. Hell, he couldn't even wait till i left the hospital, he was already out with them. I guess this is the most hurtful part, I want that friendship back. He is controlling and of course doesn't want me to have friends. So what, I don't have him as a friend, I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel so alone. I thought that if I lose the baby weight, things may change between us. I went from a size 12 at the start of the summer, I swear to god, I am a size 2 now. I feel good about myself, I look great, but guess what, it didn't change anything. I am still dying for his attention. Can someone please give me some feedback- I need it so bad.

September 19, 2005
2:14 pm
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taj64
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First I am sorry what you are going through all this. I can relate to everything you have talked about. It is so important to work on yourself. You are not alone. You have found a great place to talk about these issues. And it is anonymous. It is funny (but not so funny) I can relate to the baby being born and I was alone in the hospital while my husband was out celebrating with friends. But secretly I was glad he was gone. I know the pain of having to do all the work, holding everything together and then my husband coming home to sleep. Only by the time I got his attention, I had nothing left, felt resentful and went to bed. I was wanting family life, and was not getting that. You truly deserve more than what you are getting. Someone to listen to you, share your dreams and life together. You husband sounds inconsiderate of your needs and desires. I wish I had read that book on codependency around the time I was married and struggling with these same issues. Read the book, Codependency No More by Melody Beattie. Also there is another book on Codependency by Pia Mellody (name Melody again!!). I would start off with those book. I got both of these at the local library if you are short on money to buy them. It is so worth your while to read them, it will open your eyes. Second, just hang in there, you can to a good place to start. Welcome.

September 19, 2005
2:14 pm
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CAMER
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hi Mohamad and welcome!!! how long have you both been married for???

Seems like your hubby likes having you be the wife, cleaning cooking feeding the baby etc, as he is off at work then with his friends....and for him to not want you to have friends....hmmmm sound controlling.

Have you ever told him what you told this site today on how you feel??? and how do you think he would react.

I can see how you feel with the birthday deal, and yes it sucks that he couldn't even buy you the perfume but could spend money with his buddies...that is not right or fair.

I guess communicating with him would be the best, and reading some books on Coda are a great help.

I was just wondering, is your hubby happy to be a father???? cuz it seems like he doesn't take much responsibility on doing "family" things and spending time with your child.

Hope to hear from you soon.

(((camer)))

September 19, 2005
9:00 pm
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Anonymous
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mohammad -
the first thing we learn in codependency recovery is that we can't change our partners or anyone else.

start by reading melody beatties codependent no more - take it out of the library if you don't have the funds.

I think that if you stopped living for him - to please him - to give him everything in order to make him love you back - if you expend that energy on yourself and your baby - you will love yourself back and fill the void you want him to fill for you.

I think he might take you for granted - he knows you will do anything for him - which means you will take his abuse, and not go anywhere, you will be there with dinner ready, a clean house and a happy healthy baby...etc.

so - read the book - then figure out what you want - outside of him. baby and me classes, reading group at the library, exercise classes, a walk with baby in the stroller, go to the park, meet other moms, a job perhaps, a crafte class, music class, a cooking class...the list goes on....

maybe once you start doing "something" for yourself - he will notice - perhaps he won't...but my bet is that if you have friends of your own, he might not be so quick to run out with his own...and pay more attention to you. right now he takes you for granted.

given he can be verbally abusive - be prepared for the idea that he may turn up the volume - meaning that once he notices you are becoming more independent, he will come back with some kind of meaner streak than before...that's when you may have to decide where you stand with your marriage - and perhaps when you may need to request counseling - and if he doesn't agree - figure out what next, what's best FOR YOU AND BABY.

good luck.

September 19, 2005
9:14 pm
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eve
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Ditto to all the above.

Maybe it would also do you good, to find some other women who have small children and make friends with them, too. It helps so much to talk to somebody who is in the same situation. Lots of advice, exchange, support. Are there other children in the neighbourhood?

September 19, 2005
10:07 pm
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StronginHim77
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You definitely are being neglected emotionally. Being isolated at home with a small baby is not easy. It is one of the hardest callings in the world. And yes....you are WORTH a great deal more than the birthday gift of perfume for which you hoped. This man sounds like he may have issues about being a father. Is he spending any time with his child? It doesn't sound like it. Please let us know how he is relating to his role of fatherhood. It may be that he is panicking from the new responsibility of being a dad...and shutting you out, as a result.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

September 19, 2005
11:46 pm
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puss
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Join a play group. They are used to newcomers and your child acts as a ice breaker. If you are not ready for conflict, the playgroup offers you way of socialising because you can always state that you are doing it to make friends for your child not you.
Also, one thing about being codependent is that you do not give yourself a voice - everything is internal, so you do need to believe that you deserve to have an opinion, to have a voice. You definitley deserve more than what you have got. But, you will never get it unless you shout for it, demand it. And, regretfully it may not come from the man you are with. So, take a step back and look at your life like a stranger. A stranger who demands all those things you just wrote about.
If you do leave, this was learned from personal experience, verbal abuse is about control. And if you start extending your wings, he will be losing his control and he may try a heavier hand at exerting his control. Violence is intensified in the lead up to women leaving a relationship and most women who come to foul play usually do so by the hand of an ex after the realtionship has terminated. So, be careful.
Be strong and be loud!

September 20, 2005
10:38 am
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darby
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The play group is a great idea. Any kind of socializing. Isolation is a very powerful tool for a controlling husband. If you cut yourself off from people all you have left is your own self-doubt and his nonsence. Glad you are talking here!

September 20, 2005
11:03 am
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mohammad
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Thank you so much for your responses. For the first time in my life, I don't feel alone. What a relief to have people who will listen, and not judge me. I was actually thinking about the mommy and me play groups. i know that I need to start doing things for me and my son. I think that I am most miserable because I am waiting for him to do it with us, and every day I wait, I become more angry, resentful, and become more and more depressed. I try to talk to him. I have told him in a nice, non-argumentative way all of this and more. Depending on his mood, he does one of the following: He either starts a fight, and tells me, "if you don't like it, get the F*** out of here", or if he is in a good mood, he will make empty promises. I tell him, of course I don't like it- would you? Would you want to be me? If he makes the promises, then I quietly wait, only to be dissapointed. If I bring it up to him, about the nice, nice dinner that he promised a week ago- he will get very mad. "I don't want to go anywhere, if I want to do something- I'll tell you, don't ask." I can't ask you if you would like to do something today? I don't have an opinion?? Thanks again!!

September 20, 2005
11:13 am
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Anonymous
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sometimes you gotta show them you mean business and you won't wait on them to participate.

sometimes we have to make the first steps and once they realize they are missing out on the fun, they join in.

maybe they won't.

but should you deny yourself and your son the fun cuz your partner is being an unwilling participant? doesn't sound very fair to me.

don't build the resentment because you hold back for him - go without him. perhaps it will build another resentment, that you go and he still doesn't join in - but at least you are having fun - not sitting home wallowing.

I know that is something I am working on changing for myself as we speak - instead of waiting for the fun to come to me, I am going to the fun...not gonna wait for other people to make me happy - going to seek the happiness that I know is out there waiting for me.

September 20, 2005
11:14 am
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StronginHim77
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It might also help you to get a job, even if it is just part-time. This will give you a little pocket money of your own (after paying childcare) and some social contact with other adults. Having a job and your own income might give you a boost in confidence and self-esteem.

September 20, 2005
11:14 am
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StronginHim77
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It might also help you to get a job, even if it is just part-time. This will give you a little pocket money of your own (after paying childcare) and some social contact with other adults. Having a job and your own income might give you a boost in confidence and self-esteem.

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