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Need some suggestions...from Sakti
January 16, 2007
9:28 am
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Sakti
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Before my husband starting using again in August of last year we checked in to what it would take to get his driver’s license back ($6,500) and I agreed to assist him in paying back money his father would loan US. I made an agreement to his father that I to would help in paying off this amount. To date WE have borrowed $1,500 which is an amount I could pay his father back if my hubby is unable too. My husband is ready to move forward in borrowing the rest of the money, which would be $5,000. As far as I’m concerned the promise I made to my husband is no longer valid since he started using again. Since August he has used once a month and spent $2,500 total.

On Sunday we had a talk about borrowing this money from his father and I told him I didn’t feel safe borrowing $5,000 knowing that I would not be able to pay the loan back if he was unable too. I offered several solutions, which would help me feel safer if we moved forward with getting this loan, none of which where acceptable to him. He found a road block for all of my solutions. Which is a clear indication he is not taking responsibly for his using, nor willing to accept any consequences.

What do you think about this?

First I’m going to give him some room. I’m going to ask him to come up with a solution that will meet both our needs. If he is unable to come up with any solutions this is where I can stand:

Marriage is about compromise! He didn’t see any of my solutions as acceptable and he was unable to come up with any that will make me feel save. If he does come up with solutions I will take them in to consideration. If none of them are acceptable to me then WE can try again or talk to someone we both trust to see if they have any solutions. If we can’t find any acceptable solutions I can stand by and support my husband in this way.

I will tell him that the solutions that we came up with were unacceptable for either one of us and that is okay. I will go with you to talk to your father, but it will be necessary for me to say to him that I will pay him as soon as I get the money from you. This IMO is me being in recovery and not in my disease.

Basically, I will be relieving myself from paying back the $5,000 with telling his father this.

BTY – since my husband has started using again he as kept it a secret from his father because he knows if he knew most of his support would stop and he would feel deceived and betrayed. I have encouraged my husband to tell his father, but he won’t and it is not my place to tell him or is it? With all this…

Any feedback or suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.

Blessing,
Sakti

January 16, 2007
10:00 am
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mj
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Hi Sakti,

In my experience secrets make me sick. You have the right to be honest in all your dealings. You have the right to change your mind. You state that you feel since your husband starting using again, it makes your agreement invalid. Did you tell him this?

January 16, 2007
10:16 am
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Sakti
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Hi mj,

Thanks for responding...

Yes, secrets make me sick too. So are you perhaps indicating that I'm keeping my husband's using a secret from his father and that is not OK for me? His secret, is his secret not mine and I don't live with it or I'm I looking at this wrong.

I have a sponsor and use her. She believes it is not my place to tell his father, however I'm open to seeing this another way. I did encourage him to tell his mother, which he did.

Yes, I did tell him the agreement was no longer valid.

Sakti

Yes, I told him the agreement is invalid.

January 16, 2007
11:24 am
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Sakti
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Any feedback on mj's response about the secret my husband is keeping from his father?

Sakti

January 16, 2007
12:13 pm
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turnabout
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Sakti, it may not be your place to tell his father, but it's also not your place to protect his secret. Maybe that's a new way to look at it. Protecting his secret by hiding it from his father, or anyone else, is enabling behavior, and I know you don't want to do that.

January 16, 2007
12:52 pm
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Sakti
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So, perhaps I'm stuck...

Is it "may" not be my place or is it "not" my place? I can encourgage him to tell his father or encourage his mother to tell him, she knows, but she ask me not to tell him, that it would come out when it was suppose to come out. I see her keeping many secrets in their family, I said to her when she ask me not to tell his dad, that keeping secrets was not healthy and enabling behavior for me. She said something like I will covent my husband.

You are right I don't want to enable him. Got any suggestions?

January 16, 2007
1:32 pm
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atalose
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Sakti,

You can tell your husband that you intend to talk to his father and explain how you don't feel comfortable at this point in borrowing any money from him, but if your husband still wants to borrow the money, he needs to work it all out with his father and make it clean you do not support this his decision at this time.
Put it all on your husband, don't take his responsibility of paying it back, don't take his responsibility for him to be honest to his own parents.
I would think by you saying you don't want to be involved with this transaction it will open up questions that only your husband should answer.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

January 16, 2007
1:46 pm
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turnabout
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couldn't have said it better myself.

January 16, 2007
2:59 pm
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Sakti
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Thanks atalose...sounds good to me!

Turnabout - I posted on my Thank You Thread about what I'm frusted over.

You know, I've exhausted my resources over the past two months with all my issues. I've done my best not to be the victim or martyr and I believe I've done well. I've not acted out either, except mybe here :-). Hopefuly, this is an indication that I'm moving into a different aspect of self.

I know now, that I have married the same man again with a different last name. I'm different though, I have some "good" recovery tools that I use and good friends that are willing to help me out when in need. I'm a kind/gentle/loving person and don't usually act out from my emotions. I have noticed however, that some people take my sweet nature of being as a weakness, which can be sad for me at times. They usually find out different. Case in point with my husband. I feel certain he thinks I'm his ace in the hole and at times I have been.

Enough babbling...

Thanks,
Sakti

January 16, 2007
3:15 pm
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Sakti
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January 16, 2007
3:40 pm
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turnabout
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or maybe I'll just add....

I can't tell you what your "place" is. Not being there and unfamiliar with the intimate details of all these relationships, I couldn't tell you your place. That's for you to decide.

But let me say all this seems to be more in the line of your efforts to establish healthy boundaries in your life. And in order to do that, you have to know what they are. You seem to be struggling a bit in knowing what they are.

Here's a rule of thumb: Your H's relationship with his father is his responsibility. Your relationship with your FIL is your responsibility. Your H's relationship with his father IS NOT your responsibility.

So, you ask yourself when torn as to what is best in situations like this what the reason is that you want to say something to the FIL. Are you driven by a feeling of responsibility and personal accountability in relationship with your FIL? OR are really trying to "fix; control; manage, etc" your H's relationship with his father? Would you be trying to be accountable to his father, or trying to make HIM accountable to his father?

'Cause if it's the latter, that is something you cannot do no matter what is tried. Not to mention that it is the trademark codep trait of manipulations.

Hope this can help give you some clarity to your role.

January 16, 2007
4:12 pm
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Sakti
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Turnabout wrote: So, you ask yourself when torn as to what is best in situations like this what the reason is that you want to say something to the FIL. Are you driven by a feeling of responsibility and personal accountability in relationship with your FIL? OR are really trying to "fix; control; manage, etc" your H's relationship with his father? Would you be trying to be accountable to his father, or trying to make HIM accountable to his father?

I'm driven by taking responsibility and being personally accountable to my FIL. Not the latter and I am. I don't mind having the talk with my husband and I will let him know that if we talk to his father that I will say as close to what atalose said to him as I possibly can

Turnabout wrote: You seem to be struggling a bit in knowing what they are.

Your right! What better teachers do I have than my relationships? None that I know of. I learn by doing and I'm not afraid to ask for help.

Blessing,
Sakti

Manipulation, control, fix, mangage; none of these are in my conscienceness, but I'll double check. Those dang little bugger!

January 16, 2007
5:01 pm
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turnabout
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That's funny, Sakti. I posted over you and completely missed your post to me ... AGAIN! LOL I keep doing that!

Okay. Let's go fishing. What would telling his father accomplish?

January 16, 2007
6:57 pm
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mj
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Hi Sakti, I have been gone all day taking care of myself. I just want to post to you that in no way, shape, or form to I have your answers. I said, Secrets make ME sick. That's my own experience. I am not suggesting that you tell on your hubby. I think if I was going to be financially liable for a debt because of a past conversation then I would not want to be involved in a dishonest exchange with my father-in-law. That is me talking about me.

I had a mother-in-law that would blame me for my husbands drug use in my past. I kept my husband's secret. It hurt me. That is where I am coming from. You have to decide what's right for you and then live with the consequences of your choices. I wish you the Best.

January 17, 2007
6:25 am
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Sakti
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Turnabout wrote: What would telling his father accomplish?

I must have missed something. I'm not going to tell his father about his using. It is not my place.

I only plan on telling his father that it is not a good time for us to borrow money and I don't think it will get that far.

I will be talking to by husband about the money tonight.

Blessing,
Sakti

January 17, 2007
10:23 am
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turnabout
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I see. When I asked about whether you were driven to fix your H's relationship with his father or by a sense of personal responsibility to you FIL in your own relationship with him, the conversation had drifted away from the money and into whether you should tell him about your H's drug use. I thought that's what we were still talking about. We really weren't on the same page! LOL

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