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Need some input please
October 26, 2007
4:43 pm
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usuallyhopeful
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Dated a guy I’ll call “Cal” for 2 1/2 years, then had to move for my job. We dated long distance for another year, then I broke it off. He said he knew it was coming, and that he hadn't been that great in the relationship, but wanted us to be friends. I had misgivings, but said "sure" thinking he'd call a few times and that would be that. He called all the time and eventually we grew to be best friends for the next 4 1/2 years. He said I was the best friend he’d ever had and how important the friendship was to him. We would talk on the phone every day and I thought we were a lot closer then we had been dating. I would often visit him when I was in town seeing my family. It seemed he was a lot more open and reasonable being friends, and because of this I thought we should have been friends from the beginning instead of dating.

He became involved in a relationship with his best friend from high school ex-wife. His best friend’s mom was bipolar and abusive growing up, and he would often crash at Cal’s house when they were in school. This guy reconnected with Cal and Cal met his friends wife at that time. She had two children and was diagnosed bipolar. Cal and her actually became close while she was going through the divorce but said they talked about dating but knew it wasn't right until the divorce was finalized. This of course disturbed me because I didn't think you could process the end of one relationship if you were thinking of your next one. I voiced my opinions which he was defensive about but after a few discussions I let it go because I felt it was his decision.

He eventually did break up with her and then told me he always had wanted to get back together with me but was afraid if he asked I’d say no and he’d lose me as a friend. He said how much his family loves me, how I was family, how he couldn’t imagine me not in his life, how when he dated other women he always compared them to me, and if he compared them to me he thought he should just be dating me. And the best “all roads lead back to you”. I thought “well, we are best friends, isn’t that what you’d want in a romantic partner? So I said ok, let’s go for it. After a few weeks of things going really great, he said he couldn’t date me right now, etc. He said he wasn’t in my playing field. After talking everyday for years, suddenly I don’t hear from him. He doesn’t return the occasional call, didn’t respond to a letter, etc. At one point I called and he answered and we talked for an hour, at which point he said he was writing a reply to my letter and to keep the lines of communication open. That was over a month ago, no response.

Well, this was a long post and I’m new to the site, but I really would like to hear what others think. I used to think I was pretty emotionally healthy, but I am so upset and depressed about this guy I’m doubting my own health. I can handle him not wanting to date, but I had really come to rely on the friendship and kind of having an extended family through him. How does one go from everyday conversations for years to nothing and not seem bothered? Am I crazy for wishing we were still friends? Why is it so difficult just to pitch the whole thing? Thanks

October 26, 2007
4:49 pm
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DorisDay
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Oh Honey..yes..I feel your pain.

Although my situation is different from yours, my ex and I just broke up after 3 years (I caught him unfaithful..very long story).

Yes...We talked everyday for hours. We IM'd all day. He would leave me emails, voicemails, etc. Well, it has now all stopped..COLD TURKEY.

I literally went through detox - sweats at night. I cried 3 days straight.

Now, my ex is a scum bag so I cannot put him in your friend's category. However, men are indeed wired differently than women. My friend compared them to bumble bees: they drift from flower to flower, pollinate, and move on.

It sounds like your friend may have met somebody else..but this one is a tough call. The only thing I can offer is that 1) he is depressed about not being in your playing field; 2) he is confused or 3) he is dating another woman.

This one is a tough call!

October 26, 2007
6:00 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((ususally)) that is tough situation. be good to yourself. put yourself first and love yourself.

October 28, 2007
12:30 am
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usuallyhopeful
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Thanks for the comments. Would anyone try again for the friendship? It seems 7 1/2 years is a long time, but at the same time, if he wanted to remain friends shouldn't he be doing something on his end? I feel pretty stuck at this point.

October 28, 2007
1:18 am
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marypoppins
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Usually,

I was with a guy as a friend, as a girlfriend, and everything in between for nearly 16 years. We haven't lived in the same city for the last few years, but we still had regular contact and I was very emotionally dependent on him. We talked often about one of us moving so we could be together again, but we weren't able to manage that. He's with someone else now, and it seems there's no place in his life for me now. Although he hasn't come out and asked me to stop writing or calling, he hasn't emailed me for a week now. I'm nearly a week without emailing him, and this seems to be best. If he wanted me in his life, he'd let me know. We used to both talk about how we'd be in each other lives forever, no matter what, but that has changed and it HURTS! I've humiliated myself by clutching and hanging on when he clearly needs to not have contact with me...for whatever reason. It's definitely upsetting, but things change. Letting go and working on life without him is the best you can do for yourself right now. It's a death that has to be grieved, and it will take time. You won't know what's going on with him until he chooses to contact you - which may happen tomorrow or next week or next month. Who knows? Good luck to you. It's painful, but you will recover and grow stronger. It's quite normal to feel distressed and lost, so be kind to yourself. Keep posting here and read other threads if that makes you feel better. We should not be afraid of change or loss because it keeps us in unhealthy situations, and we don't grow. You're not alone.

Mary

October 28, 2007
3:22 pm
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DorisDay
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Hi Mary.

I am trying to do homework and look up occasionally to read the form.

Sigh. Yes. Mourning. Breakups are like a death, aren't they? I am 47, getting my Masters in Communication, and I remember when a relationship ended you just never heard the phone ring. Now, no voicemails, No IMs, NO emails, not cell phone ringing..nothing. I too am sad even though I was betrayed. All this love and friendship just tossed to the side like garbage to a curb.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

October 28, 2007
5:38 pm
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marypoppins
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Doris,

I'm sorry for your loss, too. I'm just a year younger than you, have an MA, teach university students, and tend to be a sucker for the educated charming wordsmiths - although my soon to be ex-husband isn't really that type at all. I was also with him on and off for 16 years. Limped along with two "half men" trying to get my needs met and accepting less than what I deserved. However, like you, at one point, I was having an affair with the boyfriend while married to my husband. He was long distance, my husband had moved out of our bedroom, so I gave myself permission to "cheat" since I felt I wasn't cheating in the strict definition of the term. But, what good can come from relationships under those circumstances? In my case, after it ended with the long-distance boyfriend, I was forced to take a hard look at my dismal marriage and admit that it wasn't working. My husband refused to go to counseling with me, and he didn't want to work to make it better, so I asked him to move out. I've been to counseling on and off for many years. After having both of those guys in my life for all of that time, I'm on my own, with my 12-year-old daughter, and realizing that I've really got to get strong and learn how to make myself happy. I'm better off alone than begging for crumbs. For too long, I've sacrificed my self-esteem, fragile as it is, for whatever love and affection I could get. It's now or never. Maybe there's another love out there for me on down the road, but I won't recognize him until I get my shit together. People treat us how we allow them to. I didn't have a choice as a child on the receiving end of physical and emotional abuse, but I'm a "grown-ass" woman now, and I DO have a choice.

Peace be with you, Doris.

Mary

October 28, 2007
5:59 pm
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DorisDay
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Oh Mary..you too. Yes, my educated charming wordsmith...PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF HIM.

ON many levels, I thougth I was safe..afterall, he is a psychologist and head of his department. He left his wife and just showered me with "love" and attention. My marriage has been suffering for awhile (long story) and I turned to him. I wasn't even attracted to him at first!

Now, I mourn. I only remember the good times, and the awful email I saw ...that I shouldn't have. He wrote this awful stuff to this girl he met at a convention. "You mesmerize me...you have made me forget my girfriend's face....I am a hopeless romantic." The loop just keeps going through my head like a movie reel, over and over.

Was it the best thing that I caught him. OF COURSE. My 47 year old educated mind understands. My 11 year old heart, that was shattered by my father, wants to know what I did wrong to "drive him" away. I recant the tiff we had prior to his business trip..and torture myself with "if only I didn't say..."

OF course, this is all bullcrap. He is a louse, and the schtick he is using on this new married woman is identical to how he wooo'd me.

So now, I have a husband, who does love me...BUT..we do have issues that need work.

So, I sit and mourn..missing the scum bag, confused about life.

Don't worry though..I WILL NEVER CONTACT HIM.

Thanks for your kind words.

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