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Need Some Food For Thought
April 22, 2000
9:15 pm
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TRosciano
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Ok, I'm new to these boards but find them very interesting. I am 23 years old and have been in a relationship now for 3 years and it is ending. I am looking forward to the part because I will finally have time for me. I have just started psychotherapy. My whole childhood was filled with a constant cycle of men in my mothers life who abused her and me at times to. Physcial, sexual, and mental abuse followed me around depending on which asshole she was with. I still love my mother but would always be the protector of the family for her and my sister. My mom worked alot and I would always be taking care of my sister. My mom would date a guy and I would hide in my bedroom and watch under the door everything that was going on. If a man even touched her even in a loving way, I would run out and hit him or open the door and tell him to get out. The final straw was when i was 16 and my stepdad would lock our refridge so we couldn't eat between meals, we had a least of 20 chores to do before home work and if we had enough time before it got dark out we could see friends, we were always called names and degraded and I was always coming to everyones resue. I wouldin turn get grounded because "little kids should be seen and not heard", his quote. I met this guy at 16 who was in the Navy and I looked at it as an easy way out. Oh I forgot to mention I was hospitalized during this last stepfather for depression. I couldn't take care of anybody anymore because I couldn't take care of myself.
Anyway...I married and it ended as we grew up and grew apart but we still remain friends. I then went into a relationship with a woman. YES A WOMAN! I was so fed up with men and so hurt that I didn't trust any of them. I was in a year relationship with her till she cheated on me and I beat her up and the cops came to the house. It was so dramatic. Then she tried to ruin every relationship i was in after that but I don't talk with her anymore. My current relationship is ending because I'm fed up. I have worked my butt off while supporting my boyfriend who claims to love me. He hasn't taken me out in 3 years, he claims because he is a homebody. I know he is not cheating on me but I do accuse him alot. Anyway I have been suffering from anxiety and occasionally rages. I get so mad at times and so does he. He has shoved me down the hall and I used to put up with it but now I don't. I have started to fight back. I always told myself I would never be abused by a man like my mother was but I put up with him shoving me. He always tells me I'm overreacting about everything and it drives me nuts, that's what sets me off. You have no job, I pay for everything, you are living in my house, you are driving me car, I payed for you to go to school but I couldn't because I had to work, I took your brother into my home and YOU SAY I'M OVERREACTING! The thing is I have felt sorry for him because his father and mother died at a very young age and he has been on his own, I guess just barely surviving. Anyway...I have done all I could and if you don't want to respect me then get out! He is out of my house as of May 1st. I am excited. I just wish I had something to ease my anxiety. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. We cannot be together in a healthy relationship and I finally realized this and now it is time to work on me and be with ME! I also didn't mention that I was also involved in a car accident while married and I died and they brought me back but I also suffer from memory loss. Certain things I can't remember, which is probably good. I have just had a hard life and want to chill for awhile.I just hope he doesn't expect to keep coming and leaving out of my life becaus e it is making me crazy. I do feel crazy at times and I say and do things without even thinking. I had beat of several people that were yelling at me and threatened to beat my sister up and I beat them up badly. I just am ready to have the thoughts quit racing around in my head, I'm ready to sleep at night, I'm ready to have peace.

April 23, 2000
9:15 am
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janes
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Whoa...that is quite a load for someone so young. The heartening part is that you are seeking help.

Problems that start in our childhoods are very difficult for us to deal with without professional help.

The abuse you give to others and the abuse you accept have set the stage for many problems for you.

Concentrate on you now. Don't use others and don't allow yourself to be used.

With your psycotherapist find the reasons for the abuse.

Good luck and talk to you later.

April 23, 2000
7:31 pm
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TRosciano
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Yea, I know it's quite a load for being so young but i do feel like an old soul. I don't even feel my age but i do know things will work out. I struggle on a day to day basis to not worry about things(mostly soon to be ex) but it will all soon be over with him. I thank you for reading my thread it's good to know that someone out there cares. Much love and until next time....

April 26, 2000
9:40 pm
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TRosciano
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I feel like I'm going crazy over here and I'm currently at work. Nobody ever wants to listen to me they just keep talking and I am so upset and in tears. My boyfriend or soon to be ex is driving me crazy. You see the whole time we were together I have basically supported him like I have already said. He has not taken me out in 3 years and on my 2 days off I asked him if he wanted to do anything...he said No. He said why don't you just go out and do whatever so I did. Today I'm at work and he has been gone from the house since 11am and it is now 9pm and he tells me he is going to the movies with his brother when he told me he didn't ever like to go out because he is a homebody. Anyway...I said your going to go out but you won't bring me anywhere? I said well you can come home to find your clothes on the front porch with that BS. I said are you still planning on moving out on the first and he said can't we discuss this later(he always says this when I ask him). I am so tired of being used and abused by this guy. I just want him gone. He called back and said, thanks now I'm not going to the movies. I had told him that if he goes I will not talk to him at all until he leaves. So he calls back after hanging up on me and tells me he hopes I keep my word and don't say a thing to him. He said he doesn't even want to look at me.
I just wonder to myself, am I that horrible? I have supported YOU for three years, let you drive my car, and I have tryed for the life of me to make things work and this is how he is going to treat me? I don't need this crap! He is driving me insane and I feel like I'm having a breakdown. Now when I get off work I am going to have to go home to this crap when I shouldn't even be putting up with it. There is so much more to this story but that is the jist. I'm so tired and I'm hurting inside and I just want to be alone and I can't. He has nowhere to go. I hope to god I make it through this night!

April 27, 2000
8:17 pm
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TRosciano
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Can anyone give me some advice?

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