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need some feedback on a date or i guess a date i had last night
December 18, 2004
9:07 pm
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november
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hello everyone, i need some feedback on a kind of sort of date i had last night. i have known this man for 10 yrs. we both have been in other relationships during the ten years. i divorced a little over a year ago and he just recently broke up with a woman he was living with for seven years. anyway he calls from time to time and says we are friends etc. nothing more. but i have always been attracted to him and not sure if it is a healthy attraction. anyway i was coming home from work yesterday and i had been to a Christmas party at the corp office and of course the holidays have gotten me down so i emailed him and then he called me. well as soon as i mentioned that my daughter was staying all night with friends he says he coming over. hey no i will come see you i am in the middle of remodeling, so he says meet me at the bar where he always shoots pool. so i meet him there. keep in mind we are attracted to each other, but he doesn't want to commit basically, which is understanble i mean it has just been a few weeks since his break up, but i have told him that i don't want to just have sex with someone, that kind of thing, i want to date someone and hang out together etc. so we are there and i haven't drank at least two years, so it didn't take much and i was wasted, i was talking to everyone etc., people knew that he and i were together but probably no one was for sure if we were just friends or what. so we leave and by this time i am unable to drive, not like me at all. so he drives me to his house, well i am talking up a storm, telling him how attracted i am too him etc., that he hacks me off the way he is about the dating thing. ladies this guy looks like the marborl cigarette billboard that they used to have, remember that guy. anyway, he has women constantly calling him, married women too. it is just disgusting. so i don't call or get into all that. but he hasn't seen any of these women. he doesn't lie for sure i know this. anyway i did not have sex with him, i ended up sleeping on his couch and this a.m. he took me back to my car. he has told me in the past that he cares a great deal for me, and he does get kind of jealous if other men talk to me, maybe uncomfortable not jealous, i don't know. anyway but he has also made comments in the past that stated that he is interested in a sexual relationship but he doesn't know what he wants. he trusts me he says. so today i am all excited that we had this night together. theni realize what was that. was it anything? he is telling me that we are friends, and that he doesn't know what he wants, he hasn't seen any of these other women, he calls me regurlarly but he comes off sometimes that he just wants to have sex with me. but he could have sex with any number of women. i don't get it. what do you guys think? then today my codependcy kicks in and i am like "should i call or should i not call" , i start obsessing and worried that i mean nothing to him. of course i don't know how real relationships start out, i mean i have always had men that latched on like glue, those ended up to be terrible relationships. he is stable, not perfect, but a stable person. i just don't know how to act or what i am supposed to do. do i act like nothing or do i act like i like him or what. i want to date him really alot. i haven't fell for him becuz i do not want to get hurt. but i have liked this man for years but we just never got together. well i will quit talking, sorry so long. i appreciate any input. is he just wanting to use me until the right one comes long?/

December 18, 2004
9:34 pm
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workinonit
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November, what you are asking is so hard to say. Understanding what's on another person's mind comes from discussion and honest communication.

Maybe you should try being his friend first. They say all good relationships start as friends and anyway, if he has just gotten out of a relationship, you'll be the rebound. Let someone else fill those shoes if you really like him. He probably needs to get out there and sow some oats right now.

Also, you may want to say."hey I said alot of things the other night but, I think we should just stay friends for now."

What do you think?

December 18, 2004
9:47 pm
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november
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yes you are right. i didn't go back to when we first met ten years ago, he had just gotten out of a relationship, he had broke up with this woman becuz she had cheated on him. well he was sowing oats for sure then but i messed up an got a little to much emotionally with him and so when this woman and him got back together it upset me, not just becuz of the emotions but becuz we were like best friends then. ended up he called off the wedding with this woman and called me a week later and we talked some but i was with someone else by then so we haven't both been single until now, seven year time frame. anyway, i don't want to be the rebound, i was that before not intended i don't think on his part, i don't guess it ever is, there probably were several women that he was dating at that time. anyway. my biggest struggle is the obsessing and old thinking thanks for you response. i dont want to be hurt or sad becuz he doesn't feel the same way. i have to be able to not fall into those feelings. anyway thanks

December 18, 2004
9:59 pm
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workinonit
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Good luck november. I know how hard this kind of thing can be. Obsessing is difficult to stop. Try finding a different focus for yourself. Concentrate on you!

December 18, 2004
10:11 pm
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thank you so much, i have so much i need to be focusing on. i do not need to add anything to that. thanks for bringing me back down to earth. see he can function and becuz of the codependency i consume which that is with anyone i guess not just with him. when we are seeing someone. i so want to do this right. to be my own person and live my life and not try to live through someone else. thanks for being there. you have helped

December 18, 2004
10:15 pm
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workinonit
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What kind of things are you doing for yourself?

December 18, 2004
10:36 pm
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i was jogging until i hurt my knee. so i have a few weeks before i can do that. could you give me some examples of what you are talking about? i probably don't have alot that i do. it is hard to fit me into life with kids etc.. i broke down and bought some face cream at walmart. ha ha.. pretty bad uh..

December 18, 2004
10:49 pm
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workinonit
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Well, do you write, draw, enjoy photography, anything???? If not, what would you like to do? Do you have girlfriends with kids too? Maybe you could trade off and get some alone time for going to a museum or doing karaoke or something!!

What do you like?

December 18, 2004
11:08 pm
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i sing sometimes with my daughter at church. you know i have been thinking alot about what i like to do and i am not sure what all that is, i do like taking pictures a nature, animals, people. i have never had like photography or anything but i would really like to have a better camera and do something like that. glad you brought that up, i need to get me a better camera. i don't have any friends really, one but she never does anything and it really isn't a healthy friendship probably for me. its funny my work relations would be surprised, i probably come off in a work setting outgoing etc. but i may be, but i guess i don't take time out for that. i have really wanted to do that as well. finances have kept me from going to dinner or movie with friend. i know women and they have asked me many times but i have always had a reason not too. now i am starting to want to have friends.

December 18, 2004
11:11 pm
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november
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well thanks for talking workinonit i am going to go to bed now. i have church in the morning. i am going to try and put some of your suggestions to action and not just talk about it but do it. thanks good night

December 18, 2004
11:15 pm
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workinonit
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Good night November!! Hmm...sounds like a movie title doesn't it? LOL

December 19, 2004
8:53 am
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artist 2
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Hey November, ... I understand how you feel, I think. My take on it is DON"T do anything. Don't take any action. It sounds like the dust needs to settle before either one of you knows what to do. He might need some time to figure it out. Give him some space and continue to be his friend in the meantime. From his perspective, nothing is going on that's any different--just that what "probably is" is now out in the open.

December 19, 2004
4:01 pm
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thanks artist, yeah things are definitely out in the open. ha ha.. i told him last night that i was sorry if i said anything out of line etc. i do remember doing something that i thought was so funny but embarrassing. i was pretty lit. not the normal me. we were talking and i started singing. "you think i'm sexy" you want to date me".. ha ha.. you know from the movie Miss Congeniality. it was so funny. speaking of that he does have a similar personality to that guy. he cracked up any way. it was funny. becuz it was so unlike me. well i feel better and i totally agree to just not do anything. thanks again

December 19, 2004
10:13 pm
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i wish he would call though. but i am not calling, normally i wouldn't call, maybe once in a week or two, he would call more often or it seemed, i never really paid any attenion before. i don't even know why i wish he would call, isn't that funny. i just realized that. i guess to have someone in your life. i guess i want us to be a couple, not just friends. but then that thought just scared the crap out of me. lol.. nah, maybe just working on being a couple. lol.. who knows..

December 19, 2004
11:59 pm
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princess44
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It seems that not being in control is the biggest part of the CD problem. You mentioned that you have started obesessing if he possibly doesn't like you as much? That is what we do. We start to take it personally and it sometimes is just other issues that have nothing to do with us personally. Time will tell what is next move will be. It really will be up to him as he knows that you were willing to meet him and you trust him particularly after the night on his coach. Hang in there. It probably will take longer than you would like to see the picture clear.

December 20, 2004
11:11 pm
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november
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well i emailed him and said i was sorry if i said anything out of line. and said still friends? and he emailed back this a.m. and just said "friends always". so thats that. so i am not contacting him or going to bother him, i know he has alot on his plate, he also has been sick and not sure what is wrong yet. the doctor's are running test. he goes back to the doctor tomorrow, so hopefully everything will be ok. i know he cares for me, i mean we have known each other a long time. and sure if i would sleep with him he wouldn't say no, but i don't want that kind of relationship with him. so friends i guess it is for now. thats ok, it is to soon for anything else anyway. but man it sure is hard being healthy.. lol

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