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Need some encouragement... divorce? Not sure
January 27, 2001
3:25 pm
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gingerleigh
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Anybody ever have relapses? I'm really angry with myself for feeling this way, but yesterday I got a bombshell dropped.

I saw my ex out at lunch with another woman. He waved and called out to me, happy as can be. That in itself hurt me, but when I saw who it was... it was someone who used to be a friend of mine, but has in the past attempted to come between me and my husband. She, however, just glanced over at me and didn't wave or say anything, just glanced away, guilty!!! Caught ya, slut!!!! Our divorce isn't even finalized yet, and he's only been moved out for a week, and she already saw fit to fly up to our city and stay with him (she lives in Dallas, we live in Seattle). He knew how much I dislike her, and how him going from me to her would hurt me like nothing else could. I feel cheap and dirty, that he could go from me to her, when the corpse of our marriage isn't even cold yet.

He swears that he has never touched her, and that she is just being a friend, but how can I believe him? Turns out when he was on his business trip, he and she "hung out" a lot, and have been talking a lot over email and on the phone since then. They have already discussed the possibility of becoming "f*ck-buddies" (his words, not mine), which tells me that he doesn't want actual love and companionship (what I tried to give him), just someone to play with his ding dong. Lucky me for not having to be with him anymore!!!

Has he been cheating on me all this time with her? If not physically, then emotionally? Withdrawing away from me and taking solace in her? This brings up so many issues with my self worth now... I've been told by so many that she can't hold a candle to me in intelligence, personality, looks, anything!!! Yet he would choose her over me. I feel like crap.

Playing the victim, I know. Having a big fat pity party over here for myself, and everyone is invited.

And all this time he blamed everything on me and my "issues"!!! I am so angry, feeling betrayed, lied to, disrespected, and shat upon. I never wanted to believe it. And when I confronted him about this, he turned it back around and told me that I had concocted a "fantasy" about him and this other woman to make myself feel better about the relationship ending, making up this story so that I could just blame him and feel better about myself.

I want revenge. I want to make him hurt the way he made me hurt. Codependent, ya I know. Worrying more about his feelings than my own, concentrating on making him unhappy rather than making me happy.

I haven't eaten in 2 days, so first order of business is to get something in my belly. Things will look better then.

Thanks all for listening. Does anyone have any practical techniques for stopping the mind from churning? Everyone says "let it go", how do you let it go when it won't leave your mind? Meditation... I have heard people mention meditation as a way to calm down, how do you do it?

January 28, 2001
12:03 pm
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ranmar1
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Gingerleigh,
YOu have been so wonderful in responding to my threads (Help me Please) that I would like to attempt to do the same. I am a 47yr. old male, in southern calif.. Let me give you a male's perspective. Your ex has been looking for an excuse to move on, and anything he can use to justify it, he will. This doesn't have anything to do with you, but with him. He is unsure of himself, and this is his way of proving to himself that "he still has it", whatever "it" is. It's too bad he never really opened up and told you what his real problems are. Retreating to a cave and holding back emotions and feelings is what we have been conditioned to do. Unfortunately, we learn it too well. Now he is coming out of his cave, and looking around, to avoid dealing with the real issues. Take heart. There are some truly honest males out there who are emotionally starving to share with someone. Put yourself out there, be honest and true to yourself, and you will be amazed the kind of attraction you will be putting out there in the real world. I wish the best for you. You sound strong and in touch. Good luck........ranmar1

January 29, 2001
1:03 am
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gingerleigh
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Thanks Ranmar1. I really appreciate the male perspective, it helps me understand better. One thing that I have noticed is that I'm not lonely... I was lonelier when we were still together, believe it or not. I could not communicate with my friends or family without him being extremely suspicious or rude, accusing me of speaking badly to them about him. I *did* tell my family some of the bad things that he did, and he played on my guilt often, making himself out to be the victim. I spent my life with him trying to build up his ego at the expense of my own self-esteem.

Yuck.

I'm still not sure if he did this knowingly and willfully, or if he's just so out of touch with his emotions and his conscience that he does this automatically and without awareness. I suspect the latter, but even though he may not "intend" to hurt me, it hurts just the same.

Ranmar1, I know you are also going through a rough time with your wife, but the point of my paragraphs above are that you should not fear being alone, because you never will be. If you and your wife do decide to part ways, you will discover more new things about yourself, and I'll bet you reconnect with friends and meet new non-toxic people who will bring out the good pure qualities in you.

Thank you again for your thoughtful comments. Peace.

January 29, 2001
2:56 am
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iab
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You are what you are because of your experiences.See your experiences with him as beneficial:growing.Yes, you understand and perceive many things now much better.Sometimes we have to pay a price for our growth,and you have paid a high one.

Now concentrate on yourself.Look into the future.Thinking of revenge might kill you not him.Think of your goals and how to achieve these goals.And put your intelligence and energy to reach these goals.

Good Luck.

January 29, 2001
9:17 pm
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ranmar1
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I think you are starting to see the light, like I am. Whether it be good or not, there is a light out there to strive for. There is life after crisis. It would be such a wonderful thing if our spouses realized our feelings for them. Unfortunately, they do not know what to do with the love and support being offered. Instead, they go out looking for outside stimulation, when it is right in front of them. You have so much to offer the right and lucky person. Be select as to who you choose to share this beautiful attribute. The lucky person will recognize and accept you with open arms..I too look forward to this, whether it be my wife or someone in the future. Hopefully, my wife will have an awakening, and realize what has always been right in front of her. Maybe your husband will be smart enough to do the same......ranmar1

January 30, 2001
9:34 am
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Dillyt
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Sometimes the result of being in therapy can be that you "move on" more than your partner, He is obviously not ready yet to travel along your road, he has still got his own "dragons" to fight. Unfortunately, to try to get him to jump to your newly awakened level would be unfair, not only for him but for you too. There is always a price to pay for knowledge and this is obviously yours. What you have yo ask yourself is is the price worth it or not? Only you can make that decision.

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