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Need Some Advice About My Ex Please!!
April 19, 2007
7:53 pm
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fantas
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Hi Danielle, What an experience you are having? Well, As a recovering drama queen, I have learned a few things, I can feel the feelings obssess in my head all I want, but I do not have to make contact. Just like with substance abuse, you need to have skills to deal with the head noise. It really doesn't matter how many times he mistreats you or the other woman, the truth is you have no control over anyone else other than yourself and whatever his issues are, they are just that, his issues and as you have said, in order to start healing, you must accept him for who he is, what your situation is. Not what you wish it was or what he says it is, but the truth about it. The 12 steps of codependency should be in your mind and your mouth every second. The book Codependency No More by Beaty is a bible to me. We only manage this behaviour and as soon as we start to slip, the mind takes over and the the drama follows. I have also learned that these crazy men don't make us feel anything new, they only trigger what is already in us. So all the high energy and excitement has nothing to do with him, it's your needs seeking your attention. Because these knuckle heads are sick the same way we are; lack of self worth, insecure, incapable of giving and receiving love, our wounds connect at such a deep level and we think it's love. Believe me, I have been down this road several times. Our understanding of love and what love is so warped that we will settle for anything. And when a nice guy shows up, we think he is boring. The truth of the matter, they are too sane for us! As we heal, we will begin to appreciate the real kind of love, the giving and not taking love. Lord knows I can't wait! All the best to you. Keep on having the courage to change yourself, you are worth it!

April 19, 2007
11:08 pm
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Matteo
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nappy, that was brutal. Nothing better than true and honest friends who wish you well 😉

April 21, 2007
4:45 pm
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danielle7373
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fantas - thank you so much 🙂 I am working to just not think about him. He is who he is. I've know he was lying, and I know I don't want to put up with it, so why do I??

I made the decision a few days ago to just quit talking to him, and I haven't talked to him since Wednesday night. He said, "I'll call you tomorrow", and he didn't. And for once, I don't care, and I'm not thinking about it. I knew when he said that, he probably wouldn't call the next day. It hurt for a second, but it was just another realization of who he really is. And as I keep having these, it makes it a little easier.

I get back in town tomorrow afternoon, and I really will work to stay focused on moving on - without wanting to just up and move to another city 🙂 For too long, I've just avoided the problem and put up with stuff I didn't want to put up with, but I've got to start standing up for myself and develop self-worth - not based on him.

I want to just have the confidence to move on and stay focused and not think about him when there's really nothing to think about!!

April 21, 2007
6:08 pm
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danielle7373
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okay so right after I posted this he texted me "do you still need a ride home from the airport tomorrow?" I had told him last week not to worry about it. I had asked him for a ride to the airport, and he couldn't. He asked if I needed a ride home, but I told him no, and we didn't talk about it again.

Well, I don't have a ride home from the airport, so I resonded "Can you call me real fast?" He did. I told him my ride had fallen through because she flew home early yesterday because of a family emergency and wouldn't be on my flight, so if he could pick me up, that would be nice. He told me to text him my flight information because he was hanging out with his girlfriend tonight and probably wouldn't be able to talk. He told me to call hiim on my layover tomorrow to make sure I was on time.

My thoughts at this point:

1. I appreciate he finally is SEEMING to respect I asked him last week to quit lying about time he spends with his gf. I had told him, "We both know you have a girlfriend. So if you're spending time with her, just say "Danielle, I can't hang out with you tonight because I have plans with my gf." I told him it's not that he spends time with her that hurts, it's his lying that hurts.

2. I don't know if I should say anything to him about my decision to not hook up with him anymore. First, I'm not sure if he'll try anything or not. Second, is it worth bringing up? Do I say, "hey I've been thinking a lot while on this trip, and I want you to work on your relationship with her. I don't think you and I should be intimate anymore." Or do I just know this is a decision I've made and wait til he makes a move??

3. It does kinda hurt that he is "choosing" her instead of to be with me... but I can live with that. I can't live with my allowing him to play both of us. So do I say anything like, "Hey, I need time to let this fully sink in because I've been blind to what's really going on and I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like this. If you ever can get your act together, give me a call?"

I'm not really sure how to handle things tomorrow. Just let him pick me up and drop me off? Just thank him and then let my life go on? If he calls I'll say hello, but not call him or chat about our lives?? Part of me needs closure. Part of me thinks I need to stop being so open about my feelings to him??

Part of me is regretting taking him up on his offer, but I do need a ride, and it was nice of him to offer - as a friend. I hate the thought of him being out of my life completely - I hate breaking ties completely with anyone. But if I can move forward with my life, I would like us to be able to maintain some sort of friendship - not very close - but at least not hate or avoid each other - at least be able to say hello and catch up every once in awhile. But if I don't get over this codependency on him, I know we'll never be friends. Everytime I cut off contact completely with him, it ends up ugly. He tells me it hurts him. I feel like I've let myself down by talking to him again. And it feels like I'm just running from the problem instead of actually growing.

I know he's not a quality person, but the problem here is ME. This isn't his fault; it's mine, and only I can fix myself.

I'd like to see myself grow enough that I can honestly handle this maturely - I can know who he is, let him live his own life without judging him or trying to change him, not base my self-worth on him, not play his games, just be me and move my own life forward and say hello to him when it happens. I know I'm strong enough to do that if I focus. I know that's the type of person I am. I've just gotten so lost and confused and weak being with him. I've become someone I've hated. I know I'm better than this addiction to him, but am I just playing with fire trying to maintain acquaintanceship with someone I really don't respect??

So if anyone has any thoughts - brutal or not - I'd like to read them 🙂

April 21, 2007
6:24 pm
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StronginHim77
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Take a cab or shuttle home from the airport and change your phone number. This man is using you. Don't let him hurt you anymore. It is killing me to read your postings. I see myself in them. We can rationalize any cruel, disgusting abuse on their part when we are insecure and codependent. But we can RECOVER and move on.

MOVE ON. This relationship is dead end, toxic and not a REAL relationship at all.

- Ma Strong

April 21, 2007
6:25 pm
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StronginHim77
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He is using you as a "booty call." You deserve more.

- Ma

April 21, 2007
8:47 pm
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foolfoolfool
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Hey Danielle
I think you should consider that HE also has a "problem". He wants his cake & to eat it too! He is just hedgeing his bets. He has the two of you sucked in "hook line & sinker" & if one of you EVER gets brave enough to END it once & for all he has the other one to just fall back on... & whats worse he will justify to himself that the one that left OBVIOUSLY didnt love him enough & wasn't worth his time & effort.
HE IS SICK!!!!! & if you think YOU have a codependency problem what do you think his "problem" is. People arent just naturally evil! There must be some sort of abandonment issue from his past or something for him to believe that this is "normal behavior".
So i think (just like in my circumstances) you are just feeding eachother. One is the victim & one is the rescuer, and the roles just cycle between the two of you.
Dont forget about the "othere woman" she also probably has the same "problems" & this "love triangle" will NEVER end until ONE of you ABSOLUTELY ends it OR someone gets killed!!! we read about "crimes of passion" everyday!
Dont let it get to that PLEASE!!!
My "relationship" & the extemeties that happen SCARE THE S#*T OUT OF ME!!!

FOOL

April 23, 2007
12:27 pm
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danielle7373
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So he picked me up from the airport. My plan was just to have him take me home and thank him and not talk to him about anything (other than general conversation). We're in the car. I tell him about my trip. Ask him about his weekend.

He then says "Do you want to get some lunch? I kinda set aside the whole day for you." I said, "Okay, but can I shower first?" We went to my apartment. He tried to kiss me. I said, "No, you have a girlfriend." So I got in the shower. When I got out, he started arguing with me. And said he was just going to leave.

I said, "You said you and I could be friends. So why is it always sex or you're leaving?" He said it's hard to be around me without wanting more. I said, "I Have told you many times, we can have that again when you're single and tell me you want to work at this. Until then, we are friends and that's it."

He said, "Okay then i'll go."

I said, "Quit being a baby. Just hang out."

So finally he agreed to lunch. It went okay. We tried to talk about other stuff, but it always ends up with his girlfriend or my personal life, so then we have to just change the subject again.

I said, "Do you want to come over and watch a movie (earlier he had mentioned lunch and a movie)." He said, "We have nothing else to talk about."

I said, "I didn't ask you to come over and talk. I asked you to come over and watch a movie."

He said, "What will we watch?" I named a few of my movies - even though the idiot knows all of my movies.

He said, "I don't want to watch any of those."

I said, "Well then we can go to Blockbuster." I was kinda being rude to him because he's such a baby - he never just says "We've seen all of those. Why don't we go rent something new?"

So we went and rented a movie and then went back to my house. There was a show on VH1 that we started watching. But then we started talking about relationship stuff, so I just pressed play. He said, "I was watching that." I said, "No you weren't, we were talking and I don't want to talk."

Throughout the movie, he tried to kiss me a few times. Each time I said, "No."

He goes, "Tell me that you love me then." I said, "You know I will always love you and care about you because we were together for two years. So what does it matter if I say it or not? We're not together. You have a girlfriend."

He said, "Just kiss me then." So I gave him a peck on the cheek. He said, "Make it meaningful." I said, "Until you are single and we are working at a relationship, it won't mean anything to me, and you know that. So I can kiss you and have sex with you all you want, but it won't mean anything to me and it will just make me lose respect as a friend. Is that what you want?"

He said, "No."

So we watched the movie, and he left. He said, "If you like, call me later in the week. Thank you."

About five minutes later, I texted him "Thank you again for the ride from the airport and setting aside the day for me. I'm glad it ended on a good note. Call me later."

He wrote back, "You're welcome. I'm turning off the phone for the rest of the night so don't be upset if I don't call tonight."

I didn't reply, but I hadn't meant for him to call me that night. I just hate leaving it with him saying to call him. It's easier for me to say "You call me when you feel like it." And if he doesn't call, then he doesn't call.

For some reason, I hate it when it's left at I'm supposed to call him!

April 23, 2007
3:23 pm
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nappy
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Sweetheart, this man is playing you and by reading your post, the only reason he is with you is because of easy sex. He don't have to work hard for it.

My question to you is since you already knows what he is doing, why are you still trying to be his friend?

To me, you need to think that you are more then just laying on your back. If he does not have respect for you, then you should have respect for yourself. I understand that this is hard by letting him go but either you want to continue to play this game with him or you want to change it.

Like the old record goes, Everyone plays a fool sometimes and this is exactly what he is doing to you.

Now if you would of have sex with him, he would be grinning all in your face until next time, but when you refuse to give in, he was ready to leave. You should of open the door for him and let him go and the next time you feel that you can't do anything with out him, you need to look deep down within yourself and come up with another solution.
Because you knew that he was not coming over there to look at a movie, he was coming over to have sex with you and then leave.
It is time to wise up now or keep playing the game.
Nappy!

April 24, 2007
10:22 pm
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danielle7373
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okay nappy, I don't know if I'm playing with fire by doing this, but I do need him out of my life again. I tried starting no contact last week, but when he offered to pick me up from the airport I gave in. I knew I was playing with fire then.

So today I sent him a text "I know this is totally random, but I'm truly sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you."

He wrote back, "It's okay. You're the flamingo (his nickname for me)."

I wrote, "It will only be okay when you realize what you were afraid of, too, and what you did to hurt me, too. I need to focus on myself now, though, so give me a call if you ever need a friend. Bye."

And thankfully he hasn't responded. I keep trying to be his friend, and I don't know why. I guess I hate that whenever i try no contact he says it hurts to not have him in my life. But like you pointed out, he's not someone i need in my life.

So I'm HOPING he'll take the hint and just leave me alone. I hope he doesn't repond or call. But now it's up to ME to not answer if he does. For some reason I need some type of closure. So I don't know if I'm asking for trouble by sending the text that I did... I feel some relief though in saying it. I've tried no contact with him, and it hasn't lasted more than a month... but I've got to keep trying it instead of continuing to play his games... I've got to keep making some progress instead of constantly getting sucked into this endless cycle... So here I go again... Thanks for your honesty and support.

April 24, 2007
10:40 pm
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_anonymous
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Most healthy people would like to think of a relationship as being exclusive. The message you send to him is he can have sex with other women, come around if and when it is convieant for him and you still put up with him.

April 24, 2007
10:45 pm
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danielle7373
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destiny - i agree a relationship should be exclusive. he and i have been broken up for a year. he started kinda dating someone a few months ago. i thought i could kinda date him, too, because i knew they weren't exclusive... but clearly i can't. he's just playing both of us, and i deserve better than this.

it's been hard to break off contact with him - i take two steps forward and then one or two back. but i know i need to break off contact if i'm going to keep honestly moving forward.

he can have sex with other women. he can date other women. he and i aren't together, and he's not someone i want to be with. i'm just not good at breaking off contact. but i am trying no contact again... so thanks for your comment here and on the other thread!

May 2, 2007
3:02 pm
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danielle7373
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so he didn't respond the whole rest of the week - which was nice. it hurt to know he wasn't begging at my doorstep for forgiveness... but that's not him, and i'm starting to accept that 🙂

well Sunday, he called. I didn't have my phone on me, thankfully, because I may have answered and jsut regretted it!!

he left a long message asking how i was doing. He said he just got detailing a ferrari (did he really have to throw that in there??). he asked if i was out in enjoying the warm weather, washing my car.

when i heard his message about two hours later, i panicked. i cried, but collected myself quickly because i had to think about how to "react".

i didn't want to just ignore him, because that's just rude. i'm not trying to be his friend anymore, but i don't want to be rude. but i didn't want to start a conversation. i didn't really want to talk to him.

so i went to the gym and then for a drive to clear my head and THINK. i ran all sorts of replies through my confused head...

finally at about 8:30 that night i texted, "Thank you for the call. I'm doing good. Didn't wash the car but am out for a drive."

And for once, i didn't sit and wait for a reply. i kinda knew he wouldn't respond - especially because i didn't ask any questions, and because i didn't call him like he had asked me to in his message. that's how he is. if i don't ask a question, he doesn't reply to a text. if he asks me to call him, and i don't, he gets mad.

so... it hurt that he didn't reply... but i'm very glad he didn't. to me, i think he kinda understands i want to be left alone. i know him, and i know he'll try again in a week or so... but i've got to just keep staying strong. i try to carry my phone less and less - so i will "miss" his call. but i also have to be prepared for that coincidental moment when i'm really weak and missing him, and he actually thinks about me for one second and calls...

it's only been a week... but i'm at least proud of my decision. and i am feeling worn out from this drama i've created with him. i know i'll talk to him eventually... but as long as i can do it maturely and honestly without freaking out or panicking or getting my hopes up... then i accept that.

May 2, 2007
3:12 pm
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nappy
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Well I am glad that you are understanding the game but if you feel that you can't handle the calls from him, then I suggest that you not take them until you are much stronger to handle his calls. Even if he talking nonsense, you can still be polite.
Like I told someone else on this post. If you really want the help, then let talk about you and your feelings. Not about him. He is the past until you can handle the future. Let take out the (HE) and let's put in the (YOU) and the (I) and to stop wondering what he is doing, or what he might do. This is not about him. You are suppose to be working on you and by reading your post, you are well on your way to a much happier you, only if you let it be.
Nappy!

May 2, 2007
3:35 pm
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danielle7373
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thank you nappy 🙂 i see from your other posts you very much encourage positive thinking... and i've got to work on that!

i don't mean to be a negative person... but i can be such a cynic. i feel so relieved not wondering what he's doing.

the thought will cross my mind maybe once a day "I wonder what JC is doing?" but i've been really good about just realizing i finally don't really care what he's doing.

so it's time for ME. i want to be happy. i'm not unhappy. i'm just kinda here. BLAH. but i do want a happier me!! so thank you.

May 2, 2007
3:43 pm
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nappy
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Danielle, don't beat yourself up if you are thinking about him. We all do that with past love and enemy.(smile)
I still do think about my past love but when I do I just wish them happiness and keep going.
You are doing good with yourself. I can hear it in your voice.
Nappy!

May 4, 2007
7:39 pm
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danielle7373
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AHHH!!!

i was just on my way home from the gym, and i had my music up really loud, but then i noticed my phone was ringing...

it was JC.

Thankfully, i didn't want to answer the phone - so i didn't have to fight that urge... but i cried - literally for a second. he left a voicemail, and i was kinda weak. i couldn't decide if i wanted to hear it or not, but i did.

"hey i think i just saw you running near blah blah blah (which happens to be right by his new girlfriend's apartment). i'm assuming it was you since you're not answering your phone. i hope you have a good weekend. i'm hanging out with bob tonite and tomorrow i got a few parties for cinco de mayo... blah blah blah"

I CRIED. i didn't know what to do - i "knew" to just not do anything.

i knew i wasn't going to call him.

but i didn't want him to think i didnt answer the phone because i was really running. it wasn't me that he saw. i wonder if he even saw anyone or was just calling. i thought about texting "it wasn't me."

i thought about texting "it wasn't me. please stop calling me."

i thought about texting "it wasn't me. please stop calling me and focus on your girlfriend."

but i cried some more and realized if i responded at all, it would only prolong our contact - and my pain. and i would only be doing it to have the last word or to prove a point. and no matter what i try to do... he's not going to "get" anything...

so i haven't done anything. it's only been 45 minutes since he called... but i'm not going to do anything. i am going to keep hurting over this - but moving slowly forward.

i hate this.

May 5, 2007
10:35 am
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danielle7373
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ugh. i just woke up and looked at my cell phone. he called me at 2:38 a.m. thankfully it didn't wake me up..

i don't know what to do...

i mean i know i need to keep up no contact, but this is very hard.

May 7, 2007
3:41 pm
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danielle7373
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this is driving me crazy - he called me last night around 11 p.m.

"hey, i didn't see that you called but i got a message from you that was about 14 seconds of silence. i just saw spiderman 3... blah blah blah"

I DIDNT CALL HIM.

the other day he called and said he saw me running... and it wasn't me.

is he imagining this stuff? or is he doing it because i asked him to leave me alone??

i am not sending him a text or calling him or anything this time. this hurts!!

May 7, 2007
4:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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your higher power kept you sleeping peacefully so you didn't hear the message.

seems like your ex is trying to leave the door open for you to come back to him. (even if he is with someone new)

and the only way to send the message that you won't be stepping back thru it, is to avoid responding.

it IS hard...but it will end things sooner than if you keep responding.

I know that gut feeling that says "call and tell him to stop"...but in the end, it never has the affect we need it to.

silence speaks volumes.

it's funny, he is your ex...and he has a new girl...but he feels the need to tell you where he is, where he is going and what he is doing.

classic example of leaving the door open for you to walk back in.

I think the ONLY reason he is doing it is cuz he just doesn't get it...and only time and silence will send a message.

He may THINK he is seeing you run...maybe it's his wishful thinking. Or maybe he wants you to say "no, it wasn't me...." and open up a line of conversation.

He is trying all he can to get you to respond...calling at weird hours, hoping you are groggy and won't think straight enough to not answer...to answer before you realize who is calling...

don't prolong it...don't answer...stay focused.

it may take him a while to get it...and he may keep try harder...block him if you can...or just let all calls go to voicemail and call back the ones you want.

May 7, 2007
4:14 pm
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danielle7373
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thank you rising 🙂

i am trying to stay focused. i've lost the desire to answer the phone when he calls, so i am thankful for my higher power taking that away from me...

but it still hurts when i see that he calls and i know he's not calling to say "i am sorry for hurting you. i broke up with so-and-so. i want to work things out."

so thank you for telling me what i need to keep hearing. i am trying to stay focused, but i've kinda numbed myself because it just hurts still.

May 7, 2007
4:31 pm
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nappy
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My friend,
This so called ex is playing game and he feels that it is your turn to throw the dice.
The way the game is played is that, now since you are not talking to him, he wants to talk to you. Not really talking, just letting you know what he is doing, trying to get a rise out of you. Once you bite into the bait, then it will be his turn to not want to talk to you.
Do you understand what I'm saying. It is really a game and if you want to play then play the game but if you don't then dont'.
And the one thing that get's me is that he has someone else and you know about it. And how much you want to bet that he is playing those same games with her.
His phone number would be just like a wrong number. And then calling at all times of the night. Please, if you are not dead, bleeding or sickly, you bet not call me with nonsense.
Nappy

May 7, 2007
5:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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here's another prime example of why he is not good enough for you - EVEN IF he apologized and wanted you back.

he is supposed to be in a relationship with a new girl...but he is calling you at all hours of the night and trying to communicate with you.

now, if you had him back...could you trust him not to be contacting another woman at 2 a.m.????

nope...he's not worth it.

nappy is right about the game...it's like tug of war...and the only way to end it is to drop your end of the rope and walk away. He'll keep trying to suck you in right now...but once you respond...he'll push away again. Push pull push pull...who wants that kind of stuff?

May 7, 2007
6:17 pm
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danielle7373
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i just got off the phone with my dad - talking about JC.

i feel better knowing where i'm at in not wanting to talk to JC. i feel better knowing i don't want to talk to him. i knew when i sent him a text, it was just something i had to say. but did he pay attention? nope. and that's fine. it hurts that he calls - not because he's not respecting my wish to be left alone - but because he knows i care. and he's not doing what he would need to do if HE really cared. so that hurts. but like my dad said, "quit worrying about it. quit trying to read between the lines. you know who he is."

saturday morning when i saw that he had called in the middle of the night, i kinda panicked all day. around 3 p.m. i texted him, "it wasn't me running. i'm not sure why you called in the middle of the night, but i hope everything's okay."

as i was typing my next message, he wrote "yep everything's fine."

i wrote "i appreciate your phone calls, but please stop. i'm trying to focus on myself. i hope all is well with you."

he wrote "ok. i'm sorry. happy cinco de mayo ;)"

my dad and everyone else are very annoyed that i even responded, but i felt it was something i needed to say. in the past, when i've tried no contact, i've always felt weak for letting his phone calls ruin me, so i've always tried to prove a point - i can be friends with him without getting hurt. but in the past few weeks i'm realizing he's not the type of person i want to be friends with. so as i gain my closure - which i'm starting to realize i don't really need - i said what i wanted to say and have nothing else left to say.

after texting him saturday "please stop" and he said, "okay i'm sorry". and then he calls sunday night?? i am tired of the games, but i'm not playing them. i know it looks like i'm going to text him back every time he calls, but I'm not.

a few weeks ago, i had texted "call me if you ever need a friend." i immediately regretted that - i knew i didn't want him to call me if he needed a friend. but i didn't want to send another text saying "wait, i take that back."

so i waited for him to call again, so i could clarify my request for him to leave me alone. in the past, i've told him "i'm not going to talk to you anymore." and then I called him within a week.

i don't know why i needed to keep trying to justify things. i think it helps me understand things better. i think i've said before, when i've based my self-esteem on his approval of me for so long, it's so hard for me now to not wait for it.

i know i've made huge progress. when i first posted this thread - i was still hooking up with him once or twice a week - while he had a kinda girlfriend. i played his games. i played my own games. then i realized - i was tired of playing games. and i was the only one getting hurt, and i deserve better than this. if he wanted to be me with me, he knows what to do. and he's not doing it, and i'm tired of making excuses. i felt like i had to explain my texts to my dad - but i don't need to. i know why i did it. i know that because i told him i texted JC again he really sees it as i'm never going to stop talking to him, so i have to work that much hard to show i'm honestly trying to get away from him.

so sloooowly, i am walking away. i wish i was strong enough to just shut him out completely, but i don't want to be COMPLETELY rude. but i do have to stand up for myself. i quit asking how's he doing. i quit texting him "what's up?" i quit inviting him over.

i know it looks like i'm just going to keep responding, but i'm not. yes, i'm scared. i know him. i know in a week or so, he will try to call again. but i finally said what i needed to say, "please stop".

part of me hopes he calls so i can practice not knowing he even called.

my conversation with my dad was hard, but it was nice. this isn't easy. he keeps asking "why even ask him to stop?" i don't know. i know he's only going to respect that for a week or two.

i think i have to say it because he and i have played a lot of games with each other (add this to the examples of why i shouldn't be with him). and i'm finally not playing games - whether or not he knows it, i don't care. i know that i've grown. i know i'm not playing games. i know i'm not telling him to leave me alone and then i give in and call him the next day.

it's hard. it's really hard. and it hurts. i see all these reasons why we shouldn't be together - my heart just hasn't caught up yet.

my dad and i talked about all the other stuff affecting me right now - and i want to just run. i want to just quit my job and move to another city and start over. and i'm THIS close to doing it... but i know it's not going to solve things... i have to keep telling myself this. if i'm ever going to truly make progress and have other people see it, i have to stay here and tough it out. like my dad said, "if you leave, you'll just be back in this same place in 3 months at this point." he supports me moving away if i want to. he just knows that if i did it right now, i would just be running and not really healed from anything.

may is always hard for me because of my mom's death and mother's day, but i try to turn that into a positive experience and remember how much i'm like her (although it scares me that i'll turn into her). i'm recovering from being bulimic for 6 years. not very far along in the recovery process though 🙂 and i'm trying to teach myself and believe that i DESERVE to be happy.

i don't know where this started. i don't know why i let myself become such a mess, but i am no longer trying to figure out WHY and am starting to focus on myself slowly to make sure i just don't become addicted to something else - if it's not bingeing and purging, its JC. if it's not him, it's alcohol, if it's not alcohol, its pain pills. if it's not pain pills, it's every body else's drama. it never seems to stop with me.... i just want to scream. i just want it all to magically go away.

but it's getting easier. i like knowing that i really don't want to talk to or see JC or wonder what he's up to. i don't get the urge to drive by his house - he lives two blocks from my cousin who i helped move yesterday, and i actually went the long way just so i didn't go near his house. i was proud of myself for that.

i'm finally starting to SEE all the things i've known all along. it's a huge wake-up call, and i feel like an idiot, because i knew who he was. but whatever - i made a mistake 🙂

so i really appreciate all the insight and support from this website. when talking to my dad today, i said, "i'm not in the place i used to be. i am reading a good book and found lots of support on a website i found. i know i've got my work cut out." and he said, "just take your time. we're all waiting to see you get through this and be happy again."

so... that's my rambling. i've cried for about five hours today talking to my dad 🙂 poor guy... but i appreciate his listening and support. i'm not crying b/c of JC for once. i'm just crying because i hate who i've become.

now i'm gonna go look for a new job. i complain about mine a lot, and it's time to do something about it and quit complaining!!

(((nappy))) (((rising)))

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