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need my freedom
March 12, 2006
3:30 pm
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lost lady j
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Hi, i have been married for 4 yrs. Out of the 4, the last two have been hell. I keep taking the kids and leaving, then the hubby says things will change and i go back for more. We have two children a seven yr. old my son from a previous relationship and a three yr. old girl. I think the trouble started after our daughter was born he started treating my son differently, being harder on him and yelling at him alot. My son also has adhd. Which he takes medicine for, but hubby doesn't believe in adhd and i have had to deal with alot of stress. My husband and son don't get along well, and i feel like i'm in the middle of two children fighting my husband whines that i never take his side. I feel i have to defend my son against hubby's nit picking. I feel he wants to control every aspect of my life, and to make matters worse, i have started drinking to escape the problems with him. I don't drink everyday, but i need to stop my behavior, he has accused me of having an affair which i have not, but i am just not attracted to him anymore. He tells my kids im a drunk and pulls them into our fights. I'm tired of fighting with him and just want peace in my life for me and my children. Is there life after divorce? I'm scared of being alone and feel like i will be throwing everything away if i go through with it. I can't keep living like this. My hubby always put's the blame on me and i don't know how to get past it. He also has a way of making me feel guilty for the way i feel? His guilt makes me stay, then everything goes back to the same old same old. Any advice, please.

March 12, 2006
3:49 pm
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bonita1
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I am so sorry, hon. You are in a tough situation. But, you need to be strong for your children's sake.

I am a mother of an ADHD child who is also bipolar. It is very difficult to live with but I am very thankful that I am a divorced mom because I know that I would have had problems with my ex physically abusing her (as well as the other problems with abuse that he has).

Your first responsibility is to your children. Your husband's abusive behavior towards your ADHD child will only escalate. Please get help for yourself and for your child. Talk to your doctor. Ask for a referral for a therapist. Above all, do not drink. You will only make a bad situation worse. Protect yourself. Protect your children.

My heart goes out to you--

~~bonita

March 12, 2006
3:57 pm
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lost lady j
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Bonita,
thanks so much for replying, i also suspect my son has bipolar to.
He is on a bipolar med. to but his doctor said there is not test for bipolar, makes me wonder. I know i have to stop drinking to escape. It makes the situation worse. I kept thinking the fighting will get worse and more physical with them as he gets older. I want my kids not to grow up feeling belittled and i am taking the appropriate steps. Although, my hubby now says i'm money hungry i think just to push my buttons. I had to enlighten him of how the law works and he didn't like the fact that i knew what i'm entitled to.

March 12, 2006
4:16 pm
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bonita1
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llady j,

Yoour doctor is correct. There is no test for bipolar but eversince my daughter started taking Abilify about three weeks ago, she is like a different person. The mood swings, irritability, & rages have stopped. I am so thankful.

She is also on Concerta for the ADHD & Wellbutrin for the depression. Believe me, on the days that she is unmedicated, the whole family suffers. So I am very careful that she takes her meds daily.

With these kids, it is so easy to be abusive because they can get under our skin. But as moms, we have to keep in mind that they are under a huge disability. It may not show the way other disabilities show but it is very real. We would not abuse a kid in a wheelchair because he couldn't walk, would we? Absolutely NOT. So, as moms, we do NOT abuse our kids with bipolar and ADHD. We do NOT ALLOW OTHERS to abuse them either.

I am glad to hear that you are taking steps to protect your children. I hope that this means that your living situation will change for the better and that you can create a safe environment for both of your kids.

March 12, 2006
4:18 pm
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whidbey
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I just want to pop in Lady J and say, yes, there IS life after divorce, and a good life. It's not always an easy life, but it's SO much better than living with an abuser. As for the drinking, every time you want one, think how much your children need you, ALL of you, to be there for them right now. It sounds like they certainly cannot rely upon their father, so they need you desperately... sober.

March 12, 2006
4:21 pm
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bonita1
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llady j,

You said that you are drinking to escape? Has it worked? I think not. Hopefully, the appropriate steps you are talking about mean that you are taking real steps to really escape this situation. It may cut down on your desire to drink for escape. File for divorce, get a restraining order. Get yourself and your son into therapy. Keep yourself and your kids safe.

Warmly,

~~bonita

March 12, 2006
9:29 pm
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nvr2late
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I agree with whidbey...there IS life after divorce and during a separation...a quiet one without another 'child' that is suppose to be an adult.
It is difficult to give all you have to your kids when there is someone that is fighting you!

the one thing that I learned about life...that is goes on!
(even after a divorce)

Take care of those babies...we are the ones to teach them how to live in this world!
🙂

March 19, 2006
2:34 pm
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needwings
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whidbey and nvr2late are right,there is life after divorce, the peace you acquire is worth more than money can buy you. Single life can be financially challenging but the quiet moments you will spend with the kids make up for what you sacrifice for it.

You will find that the alcohol doesn't appeal to you and you will be a much better mom because you are not dodging verbal bullets or playing referee between the husband and son. This is a tough life to live, the one without the hurt is much better. Scary as it seems a decision for peace is one you will not regret.. Good luck

needwings

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