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need long term helps
November 22, 2001
6:52 am
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lowest self esteem on earth
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September 29, 2010
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Hello people

I'm seeking counseling service and sort, but got no insurance and my college just canceled counseling program for students so I am here.

I have self esteem problem, which I talked to MANY counselors over the years. I'm an only child and had not much luck in making friends (people say I'm too unique, which I can accept. No-one ever said how, though.) so I'm heavily depending on my relationship with my mom.

I went through bad relationships with several guys, which was the result of low self esteem. I was too needy emotionally, which was taken as "I-wanna-marry-and-wanna-have-a-baby-right-way" by my boyfriends. I honestly never wanted to marry any of them, and all of them were too short-termed to be serious relationships.

After one bad break-up and physical abuse incident from my best friend (male), I had decided I had enough with men for now.

I did have some good friends, but I was never a person in groups. I was always personal. That can turn to be needy relationship, so I run some friends away by that. Some stole from me, some lied to me, so I ended up not talking to any of them.

That leaves me my mom as my everything; my friends, my mentor, you name it. I live far far away from home, but I call her every week, sometimes more often. I get lonely, or stressed out or something, and I tell her everything.

This is not helping to build my self esteem stronger, since she was the cause of my low self esteem. She never ever said gwell doneh to me no matter how much I tired.

I am in my second college and still have a year to go. In my first college I was a bad student. Always depressed from boyfriendsf trouble, didnft do any school work. I barely graduated. It was in another country. I was in a culture shock, too. I couldnft fit in too well. Not many friends. My mind was on a roller-coaster, so high ups and so low downs. I wasnft allowed to work there, so financially I was dependent on my parents all the time I was there.

So I messed up. My family paid for college education, and I didnft do well at all. I thought itfs only fair that my mom said ghow could you do this to us,h ghow could you not do your school work after everything wefve done for you.h

I worked after the college for a year and bit to save up, so I could continue studying. Plus, my parents said I can use the money I didnft use in the previous university, since it was their investment for my education and they donft want it back till I complete my education.

So I started college life again. First year, up until recently which is, was not fun. Itfs a new environment for me so I donft know anybody. Again Ifm not allowed to work, so my financial situation is limited. I donft drive so my world is quite limited. My life was just between my apartment and the school. It wasnft so bad since I was happy to be studying what I was studying. I was straight A students, never missed any assignment, teachers praised my work so much, everybody said I was talented with what I was doing. (My self esteem didnft grow stronger even then, so I was in a counseling program with student services.)

But after a year of any social life, I began to get depressed. I started to call mom so often, and she tells me that she was more than happy to help me in that way, that was at least she could do for me etc.

I got a dog after a long consideration, and that helped me a great deal (feel safer to be alone in my room). Then my parents began ghow could you waste our money on a dog??h I repeated that that wasnft their money. I saved up for thing I wanted to do, so Ifm entitled to some luxury if I can afford. But they donft agree with that. They are like gWe will pay for anything for your self-enrichment. You take a trip to NY, we will pay for that, so you can visit museums etc. But a dog??h

I donft like traveling anyway. They say I donft travel because I have a dog and I am tied down. Not really. I didnft go anywhere when I was in the last college, and I didnft have a pet.

Itfs just not a dog or small things, but they try to control my life just because they paid for 10% of my tuition fee. Ifm 25 now, and all my class mates (who are like 19, 20 yrs old) think Ifm so pathetic because I still take orders from my parents.

The thing is that their ideas of gself-enrichmenth and mine are so different. Everything I think good for me, they think is a crap. (Which include therapy sessions. They think itfs a waste of time.) And my mom suggest things to make me feel better rather than being sad. Well, she doesnft know my place or situation, so her ideas never work on me. I donft wanna go to NY, itfs scary!! I hate museums!! There is no social dances in our town!!

So the other day I was telling her how depressed I am because my school work is getting tougher on me. My teacher was having his own problems and he is not taking our classes seriously, not to mention how unreasonable he is on students when they are having difficulties. The school is changing our course structure, so I need to deal with VISA problem and all kind of nuisance. I was talking to mom about dilemma of wanting to quit, which is impossible to do after all the time&money investment. (I have no money to start new thing, and itfs a waste if I just quit) then all of sudden she starts to yell. gYou never listen to us!! You never listen to whatever we say!! We canft help you if you never listen!!h

Then went on shouting gHow dare you bitching about your life after everything wefve paid for!! You should know no-one is so lucky to be in two colleges in different countries!!h WOW! I was so stunned.

Then she brought up gI donft think you are trying hard enough as a student. I think you should work lots harder. I donft think you are taking your school work seriously!h gYou told me that you missed the dead line the other day!h

Why she has to do this when Ifm at the very bottom?? Ifm having sleeping problem. I donft wanna eat anything but feel dizzy so I stuff myself with junk food and Ifm blowing up. I throw up after classes because I hate these classes. I hate people in class who are big-talkers, always bragging how good they are in the business, who are making me feel like a tiny pea with no talent. I have no idea when I will leave here, and how much money I will need for this. And there is a war, in a foreign country Ifm facing a war. Ifm losing all the ambition and confidence. I donft think I can continue studying here for at least one more year. I think Ifm gonna lose it. And she is dropping the bomb on me??

Why nothing is ever good enough for her? Why she always does this when I need help? (She did this when I was facing dropping-out of college from the last college. She threatened me to take all my money out if I fail or repeat the year. I had to start working illegally then, to have back-ups.)

And most of all, when am I going to be my own person. When can I stop feeling obliged to my mom??

And Ifm so depressed. I donft know what to do, and I lost my confidant.

Please help me. I know itfs not a simple problem but any suggestion I will listen. I always listen, even though I may not be able to carry on what you say.

Thanks to anybody who cared enough to read all this.

November 22, 2001
8:18 am
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DeadAlready
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hey.... i got low SE too ...someone actually bought me one of those *self help* casstette tapes too ...

don't talk to your mom anymore about personal stuff, because she just makes u feel even worse, by the sound of things. when u get down, talk to your dog. he (she?) wont talk back, wont argue, wont put the phone down (LOL) and you can always give him (her?) a hug afterwards. plus, you know that *it* won't tell anyone else a thing that you told *it*. i think its good that you got a dog. even having a pet around can make days seem less lonely, just because you know that there is another living thing there with you- doesnt matter that its not a person (most people stink at being good company anywayz!)
i know how it feels to be stuck, and dependent on someone who just makes you feel bad (yes, i have a mom too!) except You are lucky enough to go to college.... i have to LIVE with her in the same house everyday! LOL at least you can take comfort that shes not in your face... only on the fone. like i said in a post before, on the fone, if someone gets u mad u can poke ur tongue out at them and they will never know!!! im a brat at 20 lol

no, seriously... u know u can always come here if u need an opinion or just a "hello" from peeps who DO care 🙂

November 22, 2001
9:06 am
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lowest self esteem on earth
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September 29, 2010
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Oh, god, my PC went funny...
I will try to post this again.
Please go to
Need Long Term Helps 2!!

Thank you DeadAlready.
Yeah, I think I should stop calling her. But she is the only one I can talk about personal stuff.

I talk to my dog, but I feel stupid...
*LOL
Well, the dog is actually the one of prob I have.
I love her to bits though.
thank you again.

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