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Need honest feedback from other parents of teens
August 28, 2005
8:26 pm
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CODA_Mom
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This is one of those times that I don't know if I've overreacted and would really appreciate some honest input from other parents, particularly those with teens.

My 14-year-old daughter had her "friend" over (I don't like saying "boyfriend" because they're so young) this afternoon, along with another girl and boy. Somehow, they wound up in her room on the bed and started kissing while laying down.

When I realized what they were doing, I called my daughter into another room and told her that she knew the rules, that her room is strictly off limits, and if it happened again then he would not be allowed to come to the house again. When she told him, he thought that I overreacted and should have just told them to move into an open area. However, my daughter (bless her heart) said that she thinks that it is a healthy fear for him to have (now, where could she have heard that from? 😉

Anyway, did I overreact? Should I apologize to the young man and to my daughter? This is a daughter who is normally very respectful of the limits set on certain behaviors. I like her friend, but hey, he is a guy and is obviously very attracted to her and she is very sweet and naive. I guess the situation made me feel extra protective.

Thanks for any and all input.

CM

August 28, 2005
9:10 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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I don't have a teenager at the moment, but lived with my exhusbands' for 2 years. No, I do not think you overreacted. You don't need to apologize. You have a rule, and it needs to be adhered to in every situation however innocent. Things can get out of hand very quickly at their age, even if the intentions are good. Why let them be tempted?

You have a good head on your shoulders and it seems you are raising your child to have good morales and values. If you stick to your guns now, you will save yourself some anguish later.

Don't second guess your actions.

Love,
hoping

August 28, 2005
9:19 pm
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tooscared
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I agree Coda_Mom. I don't think you overreacted. My daughter will be 14 in about a week and I don't want her having boys in her room either, especially not laying on her bed. I think you handled it very well and didn't embarrass your daughter by saying something in front of everyone. You did it privately and respectfully. Sounds like she respected you for it too.

Good job. You have your daughter's best interest at heart.

Love, TS

August 28, 2005
9:25 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Absolutely NO NO NO you did not overreact. Our rule is NO boy in your room. No lights off when he is sitting on the couch with you, if they want the lights off while watching a movie then they sit apart in separate chairs.

I am glad you have a respectful daughter and that you can call her into the other room and discuss things w/ her. Cherish that.

DO NOT EVER apologize for telling her the right thing to do. It's ok to apologize if you are wrong about something, but do not apologize about your decision making. It makes them think you are second guessing yourself and that leaves room for manipulation. IF you feel you were to harsh it is ok to say you and rethought or decided maybe you were a bit strict, but don't apologize for the decisions you make. Obviously if you made that decision then it was the best decision for that moment.

Is this your first teenager? Oh, the joy and fun and hair pullin you will be doing. Always end a discussion, specially a heated one, with I love you and a hug if you can get it. And prayer unceasingly.

They will not tell you but they are happy for the boundaries you put up for them. One last thing. I tell my kids they can use me as the scapegoat for saying no to doing something wrong. As in, "mom will kill me" or "mom said i couldn't do that". Takes alot of the peer pressure off them.

August 28, 2005
10:10 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Thanks, hoping_2, TS & mamac...you all gave me the encouragement that I needed to hear.

She is actually teen #3. She normally has a good head on her shoulders but really likes this guy, who is also her first real "boyfriend" (ohhh, I hate even thinking about her getting into this stuff). I may be more protective of her because Child #1, our oldest, was the epitome of rebellion at 14.

And yes, mamac, I always like to use myself as the "fall guy" when I tell my teens they can't go to parties, or hang out with questionable people 🙂

Thanks, again, you are all the best!!

((((Hugs))))

August 28, 2005
10:23 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Coda_Mom:

For my information.... Do you find that this teen #3 is given more than the other teens were. Example, you let her date younger than the others started; makeup at a younger age; don't hold her to the letter of the law as tightly?

Just wondered... Seems my #3 is wanting to do all this earlier. I was totally appalled last weekend when her friend that has been staying w/ us for ummmm 2 months now wanted to go to the street dance. And then to find out her mom told her if she did not go w/ Zack then she was gonna blow her chances w/ him. She doesn';t even want to date him, and she's ONLY 12. I could not believe a mom tellin her daughter this at 12.

So, back to the subject. Are kids just doing things earlier? I'll let my daughter go our for a walk, check back 1 hour, and then think the others had to check back in half an hour.

I'm ranblin now. Just kinda wanted your take on this. My child will still not get to date till she is 26. hehe her face. till 16, maybe couples at 15. But her friends are dating at 12, seriously.

August 29, 2005
6:29 am
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CODA_Mom
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yes, yes, yes, mamac, I am finding that she is doing things earlier, and my 12-year-old as well.

After going thru the fire with Child #1, I realized that I may have been way too strict because she was not allowed to do many things that these girls are now doing. Guess this is the scourge of being a firstborn. As a result, she totally broke away from our values and chose friends who helped feed her rebellion.

With the younger 3, I've given them more leeway with their choices and have kept the lines of communication open. They do not have the resentment that Child #1 had and are making wiser choices.

I sure wish I could go back and redo things with the oldest. I would be less strict and lower my expectations of what she is capable of accomplishing (she has ADD). Also, mamac, she is not outwardly walking with the Lord which hurts more than anything else.

I know you will say to keep praying, and I do 🙂 I know that He can make "beauty into ashes" and also "give back the years the locusts have eaten". These are promises I cling to.

Have a great day, dear friend, thanks for being a sounding board.

(((((hugs & blessings to you)))))

August 29, 2005
7:52 am
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SexySadie
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I am the mother of a newly turned 15 yr old girl. We have a rule in our house that she obeys. No closed doors to her bedroom unless she is going to sleep. That's because our cat will tend to go in and wake up everyone. But whenever she has guests the door remains open. Never had any incidents here. We also have a pretty good line of communication between us...sounds like you also have that between your daughter. That is very important. If you instill in your child your family morals...they will tend to also have those.

August 29, 2005
8:37 am
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SUSIE BABY
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HI MOM, as a mother of 2 daughter's( 28-23) i can honestly say NO YOU DID NOT OVER REACT!! even though you trust your daughter, trust no BOY!! (i have a boy to,he's 15)they are walking bag's of hormone's!!! brain doesn't alway's "over ride" emotion's. my kid's were alway's allowed to bring friend's home. my attitude is this. IF THEIR IN "MY" HOME,"I" CAN KEEP AN EYE ON THEM(SO MANY PARENT'S THESE DAY'S PUT THEIR HEAD IN THE SAND.) i'm "very" straight foward with my kid's and their friend's. i talk babie's they can't take care of(if your the one with the girl,who's taking care of this baby?)have you had "sex" talk? keep being the mom you are,your doing the right thing.remember that 15 yr.old boy i have?he came home 2 week's ago after his visit at "DAD"S" with HICKIE'S "all" over his neck!!!!well,need i say i sat his but down AGAIN and went through how even though you didn't MEAN for it to go that far,it can go alot FARTHER!!! emotion's get carried away,and before you know it,BABY ON THE WAY! then, when i tell my kid's i'm hunting someone down, they KNOW I MEAN IT!i will catch up to this girl(not saying it's all her fault)and let her know,i intend to HUNT her parent's down and let them know what their daughter is doing with my son(won't sit back and let my son take blame for all). i keep my eye's open,ear's alway's listening. good luck,susan

August 29, 2005
3:35 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Thanks SS, I agree that values are "caught" instead of "taught" with teens.

Susie, LOL, "boys are walking bags of hormones...", so true, my 16 year-old son would probably be offended, but I think he just hides it better 🙂

Wow! hickies all over your son's neck? I can just imagine he's parading them around like badges of honor 🙂 I'm trying to remember what I was like at that age...back in prehistoric times.

Somehow, we'll all get thru this age with our kids still alive, parentless and drug-free (I'm still praying all the time, too).

Thanks, ladies, hugs to all!!

August 29, 2005
4:13 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Coda_Mom:

lol. you hit the key to the end goal. Keeping them alive. lol
That's why we pray, I'd say, so that we cannot kill them. lol.

OH By the grace of our God 🙂

August 29, 2005
9:03 pm
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CODA_Mom
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LOL, that's good mamac...so we don't kill them first...never thought of it that way :).

Yes, marvelous grace.

August 30, 2005
9:15 am
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SUSIE BABY
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HI MOM, just for the record,he "tried" to hide the hickie's. i didn't notice until later in the evening when i went to hug him (do that alot! )as i went to hug him,i already had my arm's around him,then brain said"WHAT WAS THAT?"I came back and he "knew" at that moment i saw his neck. talk about rolling around my room (wish i had a vidieo) i had one arm still around his hip's,and the other was smacking him up side his head!!! ARE YOU CRAZY??? HICKIE'S CAN CAUSE CANCER!!! well, now he know's i'm looking for girlie! i don't know her or her parent's(will soon!),i've onlt met her once,but let me tell you,when i see her,she's getting SEX talk "MY" way.all on the table!! keep doing what your doing,she'll thank you when she's older( my girl's did).they didn't "see" it that way when they were that young,their 28-23 now. KEEP THE FAITH,SUSAN

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