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Need help with my son
May 30, 2006
9:46 pm
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nickco
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I have a son who is addicted to marijuiana and alcohol. He is 22 years old and has only held a job for probably 2 years total since he was 16. He is on probation for DUI for the 2nd offense. I am at the end of my rope with him. I don't know what to do or not to do anymore. Any suggestions?

May 30, 2006
10:09 pm
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loving
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Nicko,

I can so relate to your story as I have been there too. My son wasn't exactly addicted but he went through a drug/irresponsible bheaviour stage for years and was on the edge of trouble all the time and causin himself to self-destruct all the time. It's heartbreaking to watch and they are not usually very pleasant to be around either. I just gave all the love and support I could and never gave up on him and he's got his life more or less together now. I always wait for hi to self-destruct again though at any point, but I think feeling loved is what gets them through. he once told me that when he was feeling at his worst and didn't want to be around he snapped out of it because of me and his sister and because he always felt loved. It was a really really hard time for me though for many years, but as I say, just knowing how much you love and care about him as you obviously do, will carry him through. He will sense your love at all times - and test it to the utmost! Have faith in that however bad it may get sometimes. I am always here for you to talk about it as I really understand what it's like ok?

May 31, 2006
2:21 am
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smarterone
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me too. my son is 29, living with me again. Never thought i could but last year took off andleft him on the street 5 months, with sign in hand and all. Recently came back and doing 90percent better. Notice not 100 because temptation is there. My son had a crack problem. They are so immature and need to know that they are loved but...something i have to learn to, they need to stop blaming everyone else. Its going to be hard trust me, i died every day inside. Good luck

May 31, 2006
2:33 am
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Hi nickco,

All you can do is love them and try to help them become responsible sober adults, as loving says. And sometimes it takes getting kind of tough, like smarterone says.

May 31, 2006
8:36 am
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reachingout
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I too have a son almost 22 and does as nickco son I am finally getting alittle control he got a job couple weeks ago. I realized I had yo change I let him get away with it so why not. In realality he had watched me take care of his dad for many many years and get treated like crap so that was the way life was NO MORE...
I don't work all day then come home to mom whats for dinner If I am tired he can take care of himself also told him he needs to start giving me money for food and stuff If he can afford his stuff then he can afford to help the family.The saying in a marriage you teach someone how to treat you same with our children.I also have a daughter that I did things alittle different with and she is great.caring loving and very giving

May 31, 2006
8:58 am
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readyforachange
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nicko...I can only tell you that recognizing that there is a problem is the first step. I'm sure many of us here who have loved addicted persons only wish that their parents had seen the problem and sought help long before we met them. Maybe some counseling or Alanon for you, and encouraging him to get into rehab or counseling himself? I wish you strength in dealing with this...you have taken the first important step.

May 31, 2006
2:49 pm
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smarterone
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Nicko
I posted you yesterday about my son, well i just pout up a new thread. ".....Smarter go dumb again" Looks like my kids 90% is down to 20% and falling. I need professional help. I feel like the last 5 months of getting his life together with paperwork to courts, paying his violations to get drivers license back was just thrown away. Well, learn from this. I dont seem to.

May 31, 2006
4:00 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Nicko:

My son is 21 and has been a pothead since 16 or 17, i don't know when he started to be honest. His dad has bailed him out of everything and then thrown him away when he wanted attention, so the circle goes....

My son called me just after his 21st birthday and told me he wanted to come home and go to rehab. Probably just to stay out of jail. We sent him to a cheap rehab where he had to do the chores and do the everyday living while having the supervision and classes. He completed the rehab and is now in a transitional house.

He is so far doing well. Been in the house for 2 weeks now.

We told him this was it. IF he chooses to use again don't call us for help, don't come home. Call and say HI coz we love you but we will not be suckered or supporters of his habits.

It's called tough love. It sometimes works and it sometimes does not. The rehab told us 1 in 10 will stay drug free for their life and after rehab most don't use for up to a year after. The statistics stink as bad as the addiction does.

You and your family have to decide what you can and cannot tolerate and what ya'll can enforce. It hurts like hell to see your child suffering the consequences, but without the consequences your child has not got a chance.

My opinion.

May 31, 2006
6:43 pm
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I C Gold
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My son is 19,been arrested numerous times and just got indicited by the grand jury in our county on theft charges. I REFUSE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HIS-NOT MINE-BAD CHOICES. His daddy raised him as his "buddy" and not as a child, he never had any consequences to his actions. He didn't want to live with me and my husband at the time because we made him follow the rules, do his homework, chores, go to school, mind his manners...ya know all that terrible stuff good parents do~
I've NEVER bailed him out-told him that since he was young enough to understand. I will not pay my hard earned money on your stupidity. I've given him rides to wherever he needed to go when he got out but refuse to bail him out because of his poor choices.
Supposedly he's gotten his girlfriend pregnant and they now have a little boy??? No DNA testing done and she's a little on the trampy side so who knows~
In the end, all you can do is love them, tell them you love them. YOU didn't cause this and YOU can't cure it. It's go to come from inside of him in order to "fix" this. Have you ever considered you are enabling him to fail? He knows you'll always be there to catch him when he falls. As a parent we want to protect our kids but sometimes they NEED to fall so they can learn to pick themselves back up and learn to depend on them and not someone else. After all, they are all they've got!
Best of Luck, BE STRONG!

May 31, 2006
8:55 pm
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nickco
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Thanks for all the advice and similar stories. It helps to know that I am not alone in the way I feel.

May 31, 2006
10:36 pm
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smarterone
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Nickco
Still haventheard from son. I think sometimes i am going crazy. I dont think i can do this anymore. Do what you can now it gets harder

June 1, 2006
6:02 am
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smarterone
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nicko, today is friday, there is a paycheck waiting at work, so he will show up. Im so scared of this, been thru this before and nothing you can do. Imnot strong enough, medically, to go thru this again, no where else to run.

June 1, 2006
10:19 am
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mamacinnamon
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Nicko:

Read the thread "mama, camer, brownie. smarter got dumb again". I think you could draw some real strength from reading it.

Smarter... hope you don't mind me sharing your thread. 🙂 I know you don't.

June 1, 2006
3:51 pm
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smarterone
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mama thats what we are here for, if my mistakes can help someone, then i did something right.

June 1, 2006
7:38 pm
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nickco
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Mammacinnamon,
Wow, thanks for giving me the thread to read. It was like reading something I had written myself. My biggest fear is that something will happen to him and I will spend the rest of my life thinking "if only". But I know that I have to trust God to watch over him. He knows how to push my buttons and he certainly uses it to his advantage. I am so very thankful that I found this support group.

June 1, 2006
8:20 pm
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tiedupinknots
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I am a recovery pot head and alcoholic. i was dry for 12 years for my children. My husband was not and his disease has got progressively worse. He had an affair and I went back to drinking and smoking for a month or so, had a few slips. We are trying to reconcile.

He is a 40 year old pot head/alcoholic and he has moved back in with his mom who has drinking problems and his dad is an on the wagon alcoholic. Now that woman has a problem with enabling! 40 year old living at home and ignoring his family to go work and party. It is all the immature way to avoid dealing with the real issues of life.

I found AA and Alanon has saved me time and time again from just killing myself. I would recommend Alanon to help you get strong to deal with those problems. It is not easy. It does not happen quickly but you just keep trying. The mature thing to do is put all your fears out there, openly talk about everything and then do what is right no matter how you feel. Get courage!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Memorize it, say it often through the day as we all need serenity and acceptace and there really is nothing we can do to help other people that do not want our help. So stop trying. Let them go. Detach with love. tough love! Don't enable let them live their lives and experience the natural consequences of their poor choices. This is all that I am trying to do so my son and daughter don't end up like us.

I cannot live with active addicts right now so it is good his mommy takes care of him but geesh 40 years old. Cut the umbilical cord already! He needs to do what is right and get clean and sober no matter how bad his anxiety gets. I know because I am doing what is right and it hurts awful. I would love to smoke a joint right now and float away but I can't it will be like signing my own kids failure papers. 🙁

June 1, 2006
9:55 pm
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nickco
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Tiedupinknots,
I have to tell you that I admire your courage and your honesty. I found out through an Alanon meeting that the Serenity Prayer is the prayer that was written by the founder of AA. It was weird because it has always been one of my favorite prayers. It is probably the hardest thing in the world to actually do, but if we could, life would be so much easier. You hang in there for your children and for yourself. God be with you.

June 2, 2006
10:16 am
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StronginHim77
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My older son went "off the deep end" about three years ago. So, I put him out of the house. Forced him to take the consequences of his choices and support himself. He is now doing very well and we have a very close relationship. In fact, he is almost a "model" citizen: pays all his bills on time, has gottenh three raises at his company, has a 720 Beacon score and never misses a day of work. Has a very nice apartment and keeps it clean and orderly. Go figure.

Sometimes, tough love and making them face consequences is the answer. It sure worked for us. Don't get me wrong...it nearly KILLED me to put him out. I was a wreck. And I missed him beyond words. But it was so important that he find out what real life was like and that I stop enabling him to do the wrong thing.

I hope this helps. Everyone has to find their own answers. Counseling can help, too. I got into therapy and found out how enabling I was with both of my sons. Guilt and inadequacy, (plus bad example of disrespect from their fathers), can weaken us as effective mothers.

- Strong

June 8, 2006
10:54 pm
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he2art
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Hi. Glad things worked out for you with your son. My 16 year old is handfull. Was diagnosed at age 3 with learning disabilities but since he is so high functioning he is just now being diagnosed as high functioning autistis. IAM EXHAUSTED (well not all the time) I really work hard on keeping a good attitude. There was a time I thought I would just kick him out when he turned 18 but the more we learn (me, my mother and him) the more hopeful I am. All the theerapies are SO EXPENSIVE and I cannot, well, I have a hard time financially on a school teachers salary.

Well enough - I really just opened the thread because you mentioned your son and I tried to go to an autistic parent support group tonight and it was the wrong night.
Heart

June 8, 2006
11:34 pm
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readyforachange
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Strong...I didn't see this thread until now. I'm glad you shared this with everyone. I know lots of folks here are struggling with their children, and looking for examples of "tough love" that worked. So glad your son turned himself around, and that you have a good relationship with him. How is everything else going for you? Haven't seen you around here much...still in "no contact" with your (ex)boyfriend?

June 11, 2006
3:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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ready -

I haven't been online in several days. Busy every morning, (when I would normally be reading these threads and posting). Missed everybody, though. All of you are so REAL to me as friends. Sharing one another's burdens in a non-judgmental way is so kind and so encouraging for all of us. The "tough love" with my older son did, indeed, work.

In answer to your question, I am still struggling to work things out with the Borderline Personality BF. It is hard because he is "in his right mind" one day, then tense the next, then distant, then remote, then explosive and so on, and so on...the cycle of madness never seems to end. His good days are wonderful and we can actually communicate about his behaviors and how damaging/hurtful they are. But on his bad days, he just cannot seem to control the "crazy-thinking" that takes over and propels him into hurtful, suspicious, raging, resentful behaviors.

It is like riding a roller coaster. I am not sure how this will end.

Love,

Strong

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