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need help with boundaries
April 17, 2007
6:28 pm
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alohaforall
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Today is my first day here and I have a dire question. I have been sober for awhile now and so is my husband. We tend to want to please others and help everyone as we do feel shame about our past addictions. I went to therapy and am getting better at boundaries. My husband has many grown 40 year old brothers living at their parents house with a full blown drunk dad who terrorizes them. Some brothers smoke weed and sleep. Another one lives in a trailer and tweeks all day, lying to me when I visit. The father rambles about God and how everyone is evil and no good. He won't be quiet and is really rude and demanding. The mother just cooks for everyone and washes their clothes and plays the victim. She enables all these men/hubbie and then wants us to visit often and save her. She wants my husband to drive up this weekend to install a whole house full of ceramic tile, even though there are plenty of grown, unmarried, unemployed sons living on her land. I kindly tell her this and she says my husband will do a better job. My husband has a sick sick family who ( bottom line) uses him, lies to him, wants things from him now that we are sober, and finally happy. How do I handle a needy family that is not growing or healthy at all? How do I tell my too-loyal hubbie that we need to say No? Please advise...

April 17, 2007
7:11 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Alo~

There is a good book about "Boundaries in Marriage" as well as another one on "Boundaries" by the same author. They will explain to you the whole thing in details. The author, Dr. Henry Cloud, is one of my favorites.

I hope the books will be able to help you sort our your problems.

Blessings~

April 17, 2007
8:19 pm
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alohaforall
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Thank you for the book selections. I have heard about the author "Cloud" and believe it will be helpful. Co-dependency and ACOA ( adult children of alcoholics is powerful. Yet, I have hope and the desire to make changes and set healthy boundaries. We both feel this weird sense of loyalty or guilt to visit often and then we whine about being drained after a weekend visit. I wish my husband was stronger and that I did not have to be the one to voice my feelings first. I am a recovering drunk and it is unbearable to be around a spiteful man that finds fulfillment in harming his family.

April 17, 2007
8:36 pm
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readytobefree
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I can so relate...why is it that family that is supposed to love you want to spend time in misery and bring this upon you???

My husband is a recovering addict and was doing great and then slowly but surely his family began to suck the life out of him!!

I think to myself we were on the road to recovery, no doubt with our own issues, but they were minimal until the family came back to town.

I kid you not..my mother in law was driving to visit us on the weekend, her car broke down and then she never left....for almost two months!! Sleeping on our couch, not contributing to the household, expecting us to support her more than capable behind!! And her broken down car sat in our yard for over a year...until I complained enough that it was finally hauled away!

My husband and I just recently split again and he has moved in with his mother, who is three months behind on her rent, his youngest brother lives there and doesn't work. So now I find it very ironic that my husband is giving the you need to work speech to his brother when he left our home because he could not contribute to our home consistently.

He was just telling me that he gave his mother some money for the rent to hold on to and get this...she lent it to his other brother who has not had full time employment in the past five months!

It makes me crazy, what is the matter with these people? They are all healthy and more than capable of working on a daily basis.

My advice to you is to speak to your husband and work together to set the healthy guidelines. Stick together as a team. I am sure it is hard for him to not help them but he needs to not put it at the expense of his marriage and family. Stick together and work through it. It sounds like you have been through a lot, don't give it up because your in laws are out laws : )

April 17, 2007
9:07 pm
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alohaforall
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Thank you for being able to relate and offer your kindness. Yes, my in-laws are so in denial and they all enable the drug use and alcholism. I guess my husband will go to that unhealthy environmnet again and install the tile in entire home. He is playing the rescuer. I can't believe there are 5 able-bodied sons, husband, and 19 year old grandson all living there and they can't help her. None of them are married yet US. She manipulates my husband because she deals with a mean drunk everyday. I sometimes feel she is not happy that we are sober, love eachother and striving to be happier and healthier. She whines that they all live there, yet she will cook their favorite meal and wash their dirty clothes when they finally decide to shower. The whole thing makes me sick. I don't want to spend so much time with sick people. His dad was over at our home all weekend drinking vodka in the alley, bothering our neighbors, peeing in public, being mean/lying. It was awful. I told the wife/mom that he is not allowed in my home when he is drinking. Then she tries to cover up for him/lie for him. No more. I want to be around people who try to embrace life/share joy, not bring me down...

April 17, 2007
10:39 pm
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penny lane
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Dear Alohaforall.....move...and get into therapy

April 17, 2007
10:51 pm
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broken hearted woman
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i can relate. I was married 23 years to a man i loved but he had a alchohol problem. he was depressed and would twist and turn everything around and blame me. he left this last time. (fith time)and i was just as crushed as the first time. i found out he has a girlfriend before our divorce was even final.What is it about men? Now he tells me we will always be friends but not together.I know i must move on but we have kids together and its really hard.He wants to still be in there lives, i just want the hurt to stop and forgive him and move on.I know and accept he can only help himself and i need to be strong for myself and boys. I try to take it one day at a time. where do you set the boundaries with a man like this?

April 17, 2007
11:07 pm
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fantas
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Broken Hearted Woman, I am sorry for your experience. My last partner was a drinker, abusive, and when I broke up with him he stalked me pysically, by e-mail, and phone and while he was doing this, I heard from a friend that he had a girlfriend who he later moved in together with. My sponsor taught to begin to learn what self care really meant. Slowly but surely I began to put myself first and to see that other people's behaviour has nothing to do with me. I am still learning to not accept any hurtful or abusive, disrepectful, or inconsiderate behaviour and to not always try to blame myself for other people'd behaviour. I also read the book on Boundaries and Safe People by Cloud and Townsend. They were really helpful to me. I wish you all the best.

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