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Need help with an Angry Child
October 12, 2001
10:43 pm
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Norma Ray
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Hello everyone. I am hoping that maybe someone can give me some advice. I have a seven year-old son who is abusive to his classmates and likes to hit. I have preached, cajoled, begged, taken away loved items, and so on. Has anyone had a similar instance? The only thing I have not tried is therapy. I am aware that he needs some type of anger management, but I am unsure what to do, and after searching for a therapist on the web for three hours I am more stressed than before. My confusion is mostly because I don't know what his problem might be, sadly enough. When I ask, he says he doesn't know why he got so angry. Please, if anyone has any suggestion whatsoever, throw them at me. I don't want him to end up as a troubled teenager and adult. Thanks.

October 13, 2001
7:53 am
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javeria
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dear norma
first you must see your attitude tiwards your child. he must be a sensitive child and need proper communication. you sit with him and try to play with him. then develop a friendship with him. and don't abuse him in reply. try to sort out his problem.
thank you

October 13, 2001
8:20 pm
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SuzyQ
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Norma Ray,
It's great that you are recognizing this and seeking out help for him now. Many people don't and wait until the child is an adolescent. Has the school ever referred him for special services? Generally, depending upon where you live, there is a therapist in the school. For grammar school children, usually maybe 2 days per week. This would be something to pursue because it is free of charge and would be a great place to start. School therapists many times will provide play therapy, anger management techniques/groups and behavior management strategies. I am presently a therapist in a high school with students who have emotional concerns. I also worked for 3 1/2 years as a school therapist for kids his age. Did anyone ever hurt him in any way? such as a neighborhood bully or anyone. There is usually a reason that kids have so much anger. My advice would be to start at the school level. The school may end up recommending outside counseling services and hopefully can give recommendations because I know it is stressful looking for the appropriate services, especially when these are dependent upon insurance coverage.
Good Luck and feel free to continue to post.

October 15, 2001
10:33 pm
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tmh
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Hi my name is tonia and I am 22 and my brother is 11 and he is very angry like that too he is always fighting and also fights with my parents. We have take him to a pshycoligist and phsyiciatrist(i hope that is how you spell it) anyway and we know that he has adhd and so they have him on a lot of medication. Sometimes he is okay but other times he just looses it. I will pray for you because I know how it feels. All the doctors said that all we can do is put him on medications and if it does not improve he will need to go to a boys home so that know one will get hurt it is scary and very hard to dill with. we are trying our best but sometimes it does not seem like enough. If you need anyone to talk to you can email me at [email protected].

October 17, 2001
5:22 am
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DV11
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There are workbooks out that you can buy from books stores and on line. Just work with him on a day to day program .

October 17, 2001
12:47 pm
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Ladeska
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Since I seem to be the resident person on here that always asks the question...I guess I'll ask it because 7 times out of 10 - it seems to have something to do with - an angry child....

Just something to consider, but needs to be approached - but someone who knows how....is there a possibility of sexual abuse?

It's only a question, but needs to be addressed. I wouldn't bluntly just go ask him - but would rather seek out a good therapist who is trained in many fields with children.

Sexual abuse even if it is one time - can do extreme damage to a child and anger is one thing that will erupt for seemingly no reason at times.

As I have stated on other threads before - this goes missed so often because therapists are afraid they will be sued if a name is mentioned because then they are bound by law in most states - to report it. Therefore, they will beat around the bush, put them on meds, call it anything else, other than - what it is. This just never gets pursued and the child becomes a product of their medication and the root never getting addressed.

This is only one thing that needs to be looked into....so getting a good therapist who can communicate with a child - with "your" child well - is important. Art therapy is good with kids, but basically a good therapist is going to have many different mediums to use in order to expose things and build a good road of communication between them and your child.

Anyone that wants to truly communicate with a child knows that - first they must learn to tune into their frequency. If this is not done - then all is lost. They need to be "heard" and you and anyone else purporting to help here - has to find the radiowave that he is on....

I'm going to post this and then I am going to give you an example of something in another post - just for information sake for you and anyone else reading...

October 17, 2001
1:12 pm
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Ladeska
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I once worked for a lady that was a few years older than me. We had talked some as friends over the course of two years. I knew that she was an incest survivor. She had had quite a bit of therapy and was doing pretty good with it overall.

At any rate, one day - we are sitting in the office together and she gets a phone call, a disturbing phone call. She hangs up, is in a panic and says -"I have to go get my granddaughter - she's acting up in school again...and I have to take her to the doctor, too."

I said - "Oh? What's wrong?"

She said - "Well, I don't know - she always seems to act up when she comes back from her grandparents, guess they spoil her too much...her grandfather always buys her way too much...."

I'm thinking - abusers bribe their victims, sort of an emotional blackmail...confuses their victims. They love me, they hurt me, they love me, they hurt me.

....but I'm also trying to stay in a position of being unbiased here, no need to assume the worst, right?

Then I asked what they did when she went to stay there and she said - well, her grandfather likes to take her out on horseback rides with him alot.

I asked, "Just him and her?" and she said - yes. Grandma doesn't like to go.

"So, uh....why is she ill, got a cold or something?" I asked.

She says - "No, no - she always seems to get urinary tract infections, she doesn't drink enough water, I used to have the same problem...."

I shudder at this point because I know that urinary tract infections in a small child - is one thing you look for in sexual abuse - so is outbreaks of anger....

now, I'm locked in on her...

I say "Maureen...she has these alot, you say?"

She says - "Yeah, she does, poor little thing and I feel bad whenever she gets sick because she had that stroke you know - when she was four..."

Now I'm horrified! "STROKE???? She had a stroke at four, Maureen???"

My stomach is now on the floor and my radar is blaring Code Red!!

She said, "Well, yes, I thought you knew, when she comes in haven't you ever noticed that she doesn't have good use of her right side?"

I gulped at this point and demanded that she go into another empty office for a few minutes - while I politely told her what I suspected and that if she did not do something - I would.

It was vital that this child be examined medically right now - and then to be evaluated by a child psychologist who was trained in sexual abuse. She, of course, wailed at me because the last thing she wanted to think about was - this happening to her grandchild, especially since it had happened to her and the guilt of not seeing the signs was almost making her dismiss it altogether....which is common, btw...

But, she didn't. She choked down her own feelings of whatever and knew - I was right. She took her into the appropriate people and lo and behold - there was sexual abuse by the grandfather - no doubt about it and had probably been going on for years and was the reason for the stroke. They always said - the stroke could be from stress - but they couldn't figure out from what or why? Well, now they might have a reason...

This little girl was now 6 years old. So, I tell you this story because - there were outbursts of anger, hitting others, throwing things, hurting herself sometimes and no one apparently had asked the question before. It broke my heart completely in two - to realize that this little girl's handicap had been caused by this...the way she limped and the lack of use in one of her arms...just killed me to see that. But.....at least it was stopped, that's all I know.

Please excuse me if this isn't the case with your child, don't mean to offend, but I hope you understand why - I at least have to ask the question....sometimes children can't talk, so others have to talk for them.

October 19, 2001
10:52 pm
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Norma Ray
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Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions....seems I will have to contact his school and see if they can help. Every therapist I have contacted replies that they cannot accept any more Blue Cross patients. I don't understand that, but I'll try something else. There is no indication whatsoever of any type of abuse, in any form. I have also had my son see an allergist, since I have been told that sometimes severe mood swings could come from that. It just doesn't seem that he has any "problems". I will keep you all updated on his progress.....pray for us.

October 20, 2001
12:42 am
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SuzyQ
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Norma Rae,
I am so sorry that you are running into problems with insurance. That is so unfair as I have Blue Cross myself. I think it's great to check with the school therapist (if there is one) just to see. This might uncover where the anger is coming from. This doesn't necessarily mean "abuse" in the sense of the term we know, but maybe he was traumatized in some way even in his own mind. My guess is that something upset him to become angry. Granted there's nothing we can do about the past, but we can work with the future.
Take Care!

October 20, 2001
5:06 pm
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janes
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You need to tlak to his teachers as well.

What are the circumstances of his hittingclassmates etc.

Talk toi the school about testing.

Under IDEA and Public Law 94-142 all schools must test children who might be disabled for FREE.

This would include an IQ test, a school acheivement test and testing throught the school social worker.

You would be looking for some type of disabling condition such as a learning disability or an emotional impairment.

You need to work with your childs teachers and the school to find out what the problem is and help him. This is not the time for you to be in denial about stuff or for you to accuse anyone of anything else.

If you want your child tested by the school write it down and give it to the school principal or special education director. It has to be done (by law) within six weeks.....

Why in the world would any reputable counselor refuse Blue Cross? Keep calling and keep trying. My blue coross which is not the best covers at least 2/3's of the cost of a clinical psych.

Bottom line....also go to the family M.D. and get a full physical and tell the doc your worries.

Remember .... they all just PRACTICE medicine.....don't take no for an answer and seek until you find!!!

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