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Need Help Turning Around!!!
February 21, 2001
10:06 pm
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Molly
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The thought will always be there, but who is in controll, the good side of you or the destructive side, and which serves you best. Sincce cutting is such a new complex issue, why don't you write a cure for it, no one seems to understand it, and perhaps if you went on a crusade to keep others from doing it, it would keep you from doing it, sorta like an AA thing, one person helping another, but on the other hand, maybe it would be better to avoid all together. Maybe you need to grow some lavender, and make something with it?

February 21, 2001
10:47 pm
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GothicGirl
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I have always been a somewhat loud outgoing person when I am in front of people who I am not completely knowledgable about who they are so I was thinking about when I enter college to start publically speaking about depression, cutting, suicide and the whole bit from a personal level. Today was a good day I am not sure it was just one of those days that that one friend gave you a hug and you talked with an onld friend again and it justs lifts your mood. Well I trying to find away to get involved with the campaign for depression and suicide and self mutilation. If anyone ahs any advice where I could find a group to get started in that would be great.

February 22, 2001
8:55 pm
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Cutie14
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Hey sweetie, how are you? Good luck with that campaign for depression, cutting and SI. If you find someway to get that started, or join one, clue me in! I would love to be a part of one of those things, I mean if you were comfortable with me being a part of it. I hope that things look up for you, and just to update you, the hospital doesn't cure you, I swear, I am back to square one right now...but keep trying! Love ya hun, ttyl
Cutie14

February 23, 2001
9:38 pm
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Molly
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Cutie,
wondered how you were doing, what do you mean back to square one?
Gothic Girl
What about your girl scout leader, school counselor, is there a teen hot line in town, the local church, YMCA, or YWCA, or department of social services. Be prepard to be agressive, and disrespected, its not you , its like that for every one, maybe even the local college, would have some psych students, that would work with you, as a project????? Not you as the project, but the project as the project :), read up, and in the back of most books, there are phone numbers of organizations. I like that attitude, and bet you would make one great public speaker.

February 23, 2001
9:40 pm
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Molly
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Site Coordinator, do you have any suggestions for Gothic Girl, regarding her starting this project mentioned above my post?????

February 24, 2001
2:16 pm
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GothicGirl
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I am starting to look around for a place to start. I was having a bad day yesterday and the day before but I my mood is somewhat up again. I guess I just have to exccept that I will have some bad days. But i feel a lot better that I told one of my friends one of my darker secrets instead of lying to them as I had before. Well wish me luck everyone I will need it to stay stong and deal with that setbacks that I may get on the way through this project. Cutie please stay strong!!

February 24, 2001
7:11 pm
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Alena
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Good luck GothicGirl.
As long as you realize the bad days are bound to surface, you won't get blindsided.

Just ride 'em out.

Take care, pullin for ya.

February 25, 2001
5:51 pm
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Molly
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What was it that Annie in the movie used to say, Tommorow is just a day away, and that is how we get through the bad days, they come and go, and we all get to have them. Just don't give them any power.

February 25, 2001
7:34 pm
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GothicGirl
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Hey everybody right now I am ina good mmod maybe thats cause the dye on my hair right now is eating away at my brain but whatever the last couple days have been a major roller coaster of extremes. Well I am relieved that I told my friend my secret but now he is saying that he is going to tell my mom when she can't know. I mean she hits me over crying she would kill me for this and its to the point that I feel like I would really kill myself if he told her. He said that he wouldn't tell her for now but that we need to have a long talk and I am not sure if that is good or bad.

February 26, 2001
12:48 pm
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Molly
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Trust is a sacred thing, that takes time to earn, we should never share if we don't want it out. don't live in fear, it is controll that he is using. Don't give your power away so easy, and nothing is worth such a radical action as killing your self . Maybe you could find a way to tell mom, or tell the counselor that agrees to keep things confidential, yes sign an agreement, so that she can help you, or post it here, and we can help you, but don't let this jerk blackmail you!!!!
If nothing else, tell him maybe I don't know that it was a lie, and you were testing his loyalty to you?????? You are to young to deal with this type of drama, why don't you get a dog???? Make life simple, ??????????

February 26, 2001
4:47 pm
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GothicGirl
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Well I would tell my mom and I wouldn't mind if she knew I gues it is just the whole situation surounding it. It happened at a party I was NOT supposed to be at and drinking stuff I was not supposed to be drinking if you know what I mean so she just can't know and for some reason my friend doesn't seem to understand the situation I am in and how abusive my parents can get.

February 26, 2001
7:44 pm
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Molly
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Ok, so like its one of those stories that my girls start to studder at and say mom, you'll get the details when we are thirty. Your mom and dad have been there, I have been there, just don't let this jerk ruin your day. Don't lie, don't do things that don't serve you. If your parents are abusive, you at this age know what works and what doesn't. I refuse to insult your intelligence by telling you something that would work on TV. But you have the responsibility of taking care of you, that is why I suggested the book Toxic Parents. Unfortunately I guess my mom was abusive too, but I learned what to do and what not to do, to make life simple for me. I had the house immaculate when she got home from work, let my brother out of the closet in time to make sure his home work was done, and made sure my little sis, didn't smell like pot. I got straight A's and moved into my own apartment at 17, the only stupid thing I did was get involved with boys, and not go to college until I was 37. I was lucky that I married a decent guy but I didn't have a clue about life or being my own person. That is why I get on a roll about focusing on you. You today, are in charge of your destiny, every thing you do, will catch up to you. If you know dad and mom are the pits, then take care of your self, make this function, until you can go away to school, but to do that you need to focus on you, your grades, your health, your life. By the way what color did you dye your hair?????

February 26, 2001
9:58 pm
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GothicGirl
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Today I made something I hae been trying to get through to my parents clear that I don't want to be in Air Force Junior ROTC and after a lot of arguing they finally listened. I am out of the class finally which i have been working at since I got signed up. I am trying to start taking care of myself but then my mom tells me as long as I live in her house I follow her rules and what she says goes.... AAHH that drives me nuts especially since I have the brains to know my rights. Oh well only 3 1/4 years left then I am gone. And I have decided that there is noway I am going to treat or let my kids me treated the way I have been treated. Well thank you for taking so much intrest in my life and day to day drama. By the way I dyed my hair dark auburn.

February 27, 2001
12:08 pm
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Molly
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Hair color sounds nice, and sounds like your getting the picture of survival. Sorry, but rights? that is a loosing war, not one you want to start, with the ones that are paying for all, and providing food, shelter, clothing, and money for hair dye. I am certain you have heard that stream of stuff before, and I know you didn't aske to be born. come on smile. ROTC, might not have been a bad move, paid college, early officer, could support well your calling for public speaking , and maybe government, change the laws for kids?? But I understand, its like not cool today.

February 27, 2001
2:02 pm
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Cici
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I agree with Molly, just from personal experience. I had a huge problem with my parents around the end of high school/beginning of college. Let me warn you about that attitude. I've seen the same thing happen to friend after friend and it hurts to see them go through so much pain.

Basically, I was in a similar situation with my parents and I ended up so poor I couldn't afford food because we had a split and I ried to support myself at 18. Which is virtually impossible, if you go to school as well, unless you have a really nice trust fund.

In the end, after 2 years, I realized that it's just better to let it be, as the Beatles song goes. They will believe what they believe, you will believe what you believe, and those two opinions will only very rarely intersect. The only thing that resistance and arguing will cause is pain and conflict. Belive me, you will draw more flies with honey than with vinegar.

February 27, 2001
7:17 pm
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GothicGirl
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The reason I dropped out of ROTC is becasue it didn't have the discipline I expected. Our unit was kind of lacking in that department. Also I was kind of the outsider of the group. And I worked and worked my butt off for promotions and got didly squat to show for it. I felt extremly pushed out. I am trying to get along with my parents but it keeps getting more and more difficult and sometimes I just want to scream and cry and kill someone all at once when I am around them. Well I better go before I burst here because my emotions are at a boiling point.

February 27, 2001
7:27 pm
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Molly
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Aren't you lucky that you have here to vent, gosh, we just had a wall to pound, or toss the brush at the mirror, and get 7 years bad luck. And here you get feed back. Its hard, but we survived, and you can too. You know sometimes life is like that, and that sucks too. Trying to find something good where you don't feel like an out sider. Trust me its easier to fit in with the bottom feeders, but you don't want to go there. Its ok, to be alone, or a loner sometimes. You have the world at your key board, and lots of stuff to do inbetween. Look for extra credit projects with your teachers, start that group for kids you were talking about. Its hard to be cool with mom and dad pushing the buttons, but your doing great. don't kill any one its bad karma. You think your parents are bad think about foster care, or jail. Hey do you read? Good book speaking of foster care, White Oleander, about a teen age girl who went through the system. I like most of the Oprah selections. Reading is a good escape, and you can always tell mom its a good thing for you and it would be a hard argument to loose. šŸ™‚

February 28, 2001
8:52 pm
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GothicGirl
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Today I just broke down completely. In ROTC I had to alk to my SASI about why I was dropping out. Do you know how hard it is to talk to a Major of the Air Force who happens to have a degree in psyciatry(theres my horrable spelling again). I had tears in ym eyes the whole time then when I got on the bus I finally broke down and cried. Then I come home to crap from my parents and everything. And I cried again. Just everything down the tubes again. I also had to give up girl scouts(something I really loved) because of conflicts with another person in my troop. Today I talked to someone about my parents and they said that if it gets to much there is a teen shelter and I can go to in my area for awhile until I get a handle on everything but I don't want to go because it would be away from my friends. Idealy I wish I could go stay at a friends for a week and just get things straightened out and have like a break then come back and start back after a break from home but knowing my parents it won't happen. Well thank you all for being here for me to vent to I don't know what I would do without it. I probably would explode. Well thanks again for all the advice and all and being so supportive. By the way I love to read just yesterday I read a 175 pg book in 3 hours.

March 3, 2001
7:29 pm
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GothicGirl
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So i had a party last night it was pretty fun except one of the guys broke my chair šŸ™ But ya know I will live. It helped my get my mind off of life and have a little bit of fun well now it is the day after and well I am in a bad mood I feel like excluded because everyone is telling me how they are doing something with so in so and just totally leaving me out!!! Its like hello I am here ya know but sometimes I feel invisible there is like always someone more important then me. Then there are people always talking about secret this and secret this and never ever tell me!! Well I am getting in a worse mood now so I will write later I guess maybe if I am still around.

March 5, 2001
4:45 pm
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Molly
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If your still around? Hmmmmmm going to Paris for the spring. When life gets like this read another book. Where did you put that happy face?
I guess facing the Major re:RoTC, sorta made it real. We make choices in life, some we celebrate, some we mourn. You made a choice, so why all the tears? You worked hard to get out of this project, so the confrontation was difficult, but if you wanted to change your mind you could have? The girl scout thing, were you asked to leave? Why let her ruin your fun, or what you want to do? Life is full of difficult people, and rough times, its our opportunity to rise to the occasion.
There are often times of let down after parties, that is what makes a party a party. I wouldn't let those rude people with all the tantalizing secrets ruin your day, its most likely BS any how. Common wonder woman, where is your shield? Your allowing all to push your buttons, get the shield up. Don't even think about going to the teen shelter, I know that things are rough for you, but I don't think that is some where you want or need to go to, of course I have been wrong before, and it could be a lesson, on how bad life can be, but think long and hard of all the possible consequences , a whole new set of stuff to deal with mom and dad about. So what book did you read?

March 5, 2001
6:33 pm
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GothicGirl
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Ok well I guess I broke down with the ROTC thing cause I felt extremly guilty about leaving and stuff and it's hard to tell someone that you are quiting somethign bcue they aren't doing there job rigth. Makes it even harder when they are a military officer and well sicne I am a little weak in the self confidence area if something happens like that I am a gonner. The secret thing just drive me crazy and then there is the oh yeah I am doing this with so and so from all my friends and that hurts a ton cause they all seem to forget I am here to do something with. Well I don't think I am going to the shelter but I think if things get much worse at home I might have to. I try to read but ya... WEll the book I read was the forth book of the Heartland Series. Well I better go I am having a really bad day and the thoughts of cutting are back even thoughtI have gone 2 months without it.

March 6, 2001
8:47 am
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Hi Anastasia here, I just wanted to tell you that I understand what you're saying. I get critisised for being a goth but it's their problem for being narrow minded.
And please dont put yourself down for failing and cutting yourself, you are a success simply by admitting that you need help and getting it. I didnt get that help and nearly died. What I wanted to say is that I completely support you and I will always be there for you even if you cut again I wont desert you. You may wonder why a complete stranger wants to help you but Its because I have and still am in this position. I have to hurt myself but I hate myself for doing it and Im deepliy ashamed.
Take care and I'll talk to you later.
Anastasia xxx

March 6, 2001
6:22 pm
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GothicGirl
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Thanks Anastasia that means a lot to me. I hate when I cut I hate it SO much and I feel so dumb when I do and bad and just stupid but I still have to and it hurts to think I have too. But yeah so todya is yet another HORRIBLE day chalk that up as #4 in a row. I can't take this very much longer. Yeah and again I have been "shot down" by on of my friends. I asked her how she was doing and she said ok I guess so I asked her what was wrong and she is like nothing I will talk to so and so about it. God she comes right to my face tells me she has a problem and that she is going to talk to someone else about it. I wish there was someway to tell all my friends how much they are hurting me but you know then they will hate me more for whinning about it. GOD I HATE LIVING LIKE THIS!!! I feel really used if ya would say that. I am trying not to cut but it is just getting more and more tepmting as the days go by.

March 6, 2001
10:07 pm
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Molly
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Girl, somedays, we could feel alone in a crowd! Its an internal thing. I know home sucks, most of your friends have sucky lives too, buttttttttttttt we can't just surrender to the lower self. We all have it, a higher self and a lower self, and when we are stuck it seems the lower self is yelling in our ear to do things that don't really serve us. Its so much easier to sink, than to rise. You just must fight to win. It is your life that you are fighting for, and the quality of life that you want. If you were your mom, what would you want to hear from her? Or, since you might not be able to imagine your mom saying or doing what you want to hear, what would you say or do for your daughter, who was in such dispair, that she wanted to cut? I am personally stuck because I would always spend my time dreaming of how to get out of the situation, or how my life will be when I am old enough to be on my own. Do you have a picture of your future? If you could paint it, or language it, share. But while you read this, think of how your negative thoughts get in the way. Please don't cut your self. Molly

March 7, 2001
9:18 pm
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GothicGirl
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So today was a little better not much. I still feel left out but a little better which may be a good sign. It may not hurt that I still have lots of secrets bottled up inside that I want to just let loose but I can't cause the consiquinces would come back and kill me. And since there are people from my school who go to this board I really can't say anything more then that. I don't know if any of you know that song but it is kind of what my life is going by now the only thing keeping me going the words go something like Oblade Oblada Life goes on OH lalalala life goes on K so maybe I have just lost that but yeah I don't know how i would react to having kids because I am not the mother type I can't have kids because I am one of those exploring peopel can't stay in once place for to long and I am also a major dare devil but lately nothing is exciting to me anymore none of the rides at the local amustment park are anymore they are all lame to me soI don't know what I am going to do the next 70 or so year of my life.

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