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Need Help Turning Around!!!
December 20, 2000
5:35 pm
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GothicGirl
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Well first I will tell you a little about my life and I don't want it to sound like I making excuses for what I do or anything I just think ok well if you couldn't tell this is my first time on one of these boards. I am a Freshman in High School. Currently I am struggling with severe depression. I have attempted suicide and I used to but haven't lately cut. Now to my past. I have three younger sisters and my mom and my dad. I have always had low self esteem and "ugly duckiling" I have always been somewhat depressed but since 6th grade it has all gone down hill. My friends are constiently changing. And ever sinec 6th grade I have known at least 3 people who have died each year and most of them have been extremly close. Well now to my point. I have a history of doing drugs and drinking and smoking. But this year I met another NEW group of friends and I really want to change my life around and I have come pretty far but I keep slipping back down. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to turn it around completely and have it stay there. Please help me I am scared of what might happen if I don't change and I don't want to loose the friends I have now and they help but they don't really now what I am going through. But if someone has some advice please post back. Thank you

December 20, 2000
6:10 pm
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Molly
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The only thing that I believe we truly own as individuals is our personal integrity, it is our character. Our character develops as we age, based on our actions, thoughts, beliefs, morals, and who we associate with. Some relationships are chosen, some are not. Past the age of seven, I believe that we have a clue about what is right or wrong, for us, for society, and continues to develop with our experience. You stated that you have a good understanding of those things. If you intend to be different, then act different, think different, sourround your self with those that are similar to who you want to emulate, and be. Get support, church, temple, go to teen alanon, join groups that support positive things, be of service to others. But the most important thing is to love your self, erace the negative thinking, get rid of the old tapes that play in your head, each time one of those creep in replace it. You are a swan, not an ugly duckling, remember the story. It is a choice to listen to the good, or bad and takes practice in listening and acting out in what serves our needs. Talk to your school counselor, talk to your parents, get everyone enrolled in the improved version of you. No one can stop you from loving your self but you, however you must act in loving ways towards your self. Get busy and go forward, do not look back, the future is yours.

December 20, 2000
8:52 pm
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janes
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Go for it gothic girl ...your life is in YOUR HANDS.

Like Molly says replace all the old tapes. Rent the movie Pollyanna and watch for the "glad" part.

Be more positive than negetive!!!

Good luck

December 27, 2000
1:42 pm
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Cutie14
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Gothic Girl, hey, I just wanted to let you know that no matter what happens, I will always be by your side. That period of time when we weren't friends because of depression, cutting and so on, really hurt me. I realized that I need you to be my friend as much as I think you need me. I will always be there to help you through what ever you are going though. And I understand that I haven't gone through everything that you have, but remember I have gone though the sucidial and cutting part. I wish the best to you, and I love you so much! Feel free to give me a ring anytime no matter how late it is. If we are going to stop all this for good, we have to stick together! Good Luck Sweetie!
Love,
Cutie14

December 27, 2000
5:50 pm
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Molly
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After reading Cutie's post, on parents arguing, and the other parents divorcing, and as a basically good mom, who has made her share of mistakes, you girls need to be open with your parents, share with them the effect of their actions. Let them know that their behavior hurts, and is hurting you. They may not be able to hear you immediately, but be persistant. If you can't talk to them, write them, make both the parents hear. The main thing is at your age, you need to make sure that you take care of you, if you don't and your parents are messing up, who is ultimately going to pay the price down the line YOU ARE. If you are old enough to find these threads, and post as intelligently as you are, and have been, you by now know how to disconnect from the drama,in a more positive way, you allready found the negative way, and got no where but more negatitivity, that is the way evil works. Find support for your goals. So focus on the positive, read the book Toxic Parents get an idea how some one else over came problematic parents . Keep up the good work both of you, but make sure you both keep positive, and growing that is the key to success.

December 28, 2000
3:46 pm
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GothicGirl
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Well I relapsed the other day just thought I would let you know. I don't really understand why I have ben trying to point a finger at soemthing but there is no reason. I talked to one of my close friends. She got sent to In patient treatment(but got to go home for Christmas) it felt so good for her and she was supportive to me even thought she is going through some tough times herself. I apoligize for my as you will say sloppy format I have a tough time oragnizing my thoughts. Well I am trying to take one step at time forward now. There is only one thing that concerned me. The other day after I cut i was happy. I am scared that cutting makes me happy that that is what it takes to put me in a good mood. Please other people let me know your perspective on it. I don't think I will cut today or maybe not tomorrow or the next day but I am scared of the next time that I might. Please someone give me some advice cause my parents and physiologist don't help that much they actually make it worst sometimes.

December 28, 2000
3:53 pm
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GothicGirl
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Well I relapsed the other day just thought I would let you know. I don't really understand why I have ben trying to point a finger at soemthing but there is no reason. I talked to one of my close friends. She got sent to In patient treatment(but got to go home for Christmas) it felt so good for her and she was supportive to me even thought she is going through some tough times herself. I apoligize for my as you will say sloppy format I have a tough time oragnizing my thoughts. Well I am trying to take one step at time forward now. There is only one thing that concerned me. The other day after I cut i was happy. I am scared that cutting makes me happy that that is what it takes to put me in a good mood. Please other people let me know your perspective on it. I don't think I will cut today or maybe not tomorrow or the next day but I am scared of the next time that I might. Please someone give me some advice cause my parents and physiologist don't help that much they actually make it worst sometimes.

December 28, 2000
7:23 pm
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Molly
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Sweetie, lets start with the name gothic girl, just how dark of a label can we get. Now most of my wardrobe is black too, don't get me wrong here, but when you cut, what is your gain? What is it that you really think about when you cut. Like writing a receipe, first I get angry, then I look for a knife, then I think about..... Is it vindictive, is it a rush, just what is it, punishment? For you or some one else, is it this is how bad I hurt, and I can visualize my pain, that I can't find another way to express? I truly believe that we have all the answers to things like this with in us. this is not like a feeling of hunger, and search for food, instinctive behavior. It is a thought out act, that you act out on. Share your process, share your pain, is it attention? I have a client she is 52 years old, she shared with me today that she was a cutter, it went back to her child hood, story of a girl abandoned because her mom's boyfriend didn't want her around, her history of stuff led her to act out over and over,worse and worse, to get attention, and love, which she didn't get until she met heroin, which believe me is not the answer, as she shared with me today. She is dying and must turn her self into prison and is scared beyond our wildest imagination. I asked her to give me the answers to the questions that you and Cutie are asking, she said hers was a lack of hope love, and lots of misdirected energy. She had no clue of how to reach out when she was young, and ask for what she needed, but that today is different. She is a good person, I like her allot, she hasn't cut for years, but took another way out. She wishes and has wished so many times that she could start out all over, she is wise, and tries to give advice to the young people that she meets. She too came from what was a good family, but back then children were not allowed to have a voice, like girl interrupted, but you can speak up, and be heard, and get on the path of love, it is up to you. Please express your self, no matter how dis combuberated it is, we don't care, and will figure it out if you work with us, we care, and will try to support you. But you must do your part to.

December 30, 2000
3:36 pm
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Cutie14
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Molly, I don't mean to be really mean, I know that we have had our differences in the past and that for the most part we have gotten over them. But I think that the name gothicgirl that she made for herself is just fine. We are very close, me and "gothicgirl" we go to the same school and have some of the same problems. I know what she has been though, and to tell you the truth some of it is worse than what I have been though. So I just don't think that it is right for you to diss her name when you don't really know what she has gone though and how very hard she is trying to get over her past. And also she is doing her part. You and I both know how hard it is to stop cutting. I think that anyone who has read any of my posts knows how hard it is. I haven't in about 18 days now, but it isn't that easy. Just had to speak my mind.
Cutie14

January 1, 2001
12:44 am
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GothicGirl
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Thank you for your support Cutie14 I have been through a lot and I don't think that right now I can defend myself right now and I think that you know why. But yeah Gothic doesn't mean I dress all in black it is somewhat a state of mind and I also used to follow the gothic movement very closely and I take great offence to your critism and stereotypes. Yes gothicness may be filled with death but then again so has my life so it is hard to seperate the two and before you going critizing people about gothic I suggest you do your research on the gothic movement. And thanks again Cutie for sticking up for me. And starting tonight me are going to completely turn our lives around ok sounds like a plan I think if we stick together we can make it.

January 1, 2001
6:58 pm
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R2D2
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Cutie or Gothic.....did you read ALL of what Molly had to say, or just the part about the name? She had some pretty interesting stuff to say. Did you hear any of it? Really hear it?

Gothic, you expressed the need to turn your life around, and that life and history included pain, depression, darkness, cutting. And I believe that the need to hurt yourself is driven by depression. Depression is, after all, anger turned inward. If you want to turn your life around, drop the need to identify yourself with a gothic past. I don't think we need to research the gothic era to know that it's darkness is what you are trying to express. Am I wrong? If so, please tell me what part of the Gothic era are you trying to identify with. I'm being what might be seen as "brutally honest", because I think that's what is necessary for you to actually come face to face with.

If we live long enough, we all have to endure unbelievable pain in some form. It's how we survive it that counts. Do we let it devour us and kill us slowly? Or do we rise above it and find the strength to deal with the pain and then get over it. It's done. It's over and there is nothing you can do to change the past. Today and tomorrow are all that matters. And the only one you can totally trust to make your life worthwhile is you. Period. And it starts with a very in-depth look at yourself, really deep within. What do you WANT to be? What do you want the world to see you as? What do you want to give to the world? Do you want to be responsible for your actions, or do you want to take the easy way out, drugs, cutting, and blame it on the rest of the world? You can, you know. We all could. Been there, done that. And it is the easy way because everyone pitys you and says it's because you don't know what your doing and then that way they don't expect anything of you. The streets are filled with homeless people who took that attitude years ago. It's easy to accomplish nothing when nobody expects you anything more of you. Whatever caused you pain in your life and has made you so depressed you are constantly giving energy to every time you cut. You are making it more and more powerful and able to cause you pain every time you succumb to it. Do you really want to allow that cause of your pain to be so controlling in your life? Do not allow it to continue causing you pain.
Deny it the strength it needs to continue.

But you are also wasting your life. You are wasting a beautiful, wonderful, time on this earth. Everyone has a special gift they can give to the world in some way or another. What is yours Gothic? What truly marvelous part of you is in there that you are keeping to keep to yourself instead of sharing it with someone who is just waiting to receive it? And by cutting, and depression, and thoughts of suicide and darkness, you are depriving us of the God-given you that someone out there would derive joy from.

Nobody would "dis" your name. Anybody who writes to you on this support list is trying to help one young, troubled girl. We all need to step back and look within sometimes. I know. Been there, done that. You don't need to have anybody stick up for you. Read the whole message. Listen to the message. Please don't be defensive when you get some advice that initially ticks you off. Read it again and again. If you truly want to change and help yourself, then CHANGE and help yourself. The world isn't going to change for any of us.
Nobody is going to make your life worth living but you Gothic.

January 1, 2001
9:07 pm
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GothicGirl
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I understand I need to look at life as today and tomorrow but in my life it feels like all I have to look forward is who am I going to loose next or what bad is going to happen next. And that fear or anxiety is kind of hard to let go over. And I am sorry I seem to kind of tune out some advice because i feel as thought i have tried and it hasn't worked and stuff so I apoligize.

January 1, 2001
11:37 pm
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Brenda
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I believe cutting is a form of displacing the pain of repressed emotions onto or into the physical body, you are happy because you are no longer faced with the pain of the emotions ( repressed or not ) you now have a bleeding arm to deal with and a form of release....
I am intuiting that this is what cutting is all about, obviously one needs to deal with the real problem, which is your emotional pain, loneliness and disconnectedness from self, family and society.
God bless you all.
I pray that you find this truth and find the power to confront and exorcise it.

January 2, 2001
9:01 am
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R2D2
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When I asked you what you want to be, I really am interested. In your dreams, when you are not cutting, when you are feeling reasonably well, what do you aspire to be? If someone said they could help you be anything you want to be, what would that be?

At 14 years of age, you are just such a "baby" in the whole picture of life. I'm so saddened to know that you've experienced enough pain to make you not want to grow into a whole new life that you CAN make better. Life hasn't even begun to show you a good time yet.

If you set small goals for yourself, nothing too high to reach, you will eventually gather the strength to see only the good things in life that you can accomplish and make life worth living. When people say you will grow up someday and have a husband and family and blah, blah, blah,..that probably seems lightyears away and not in your future to you. But if you take it one day, one small goal at a time for Gothic girl, the picture of your future will look more enticiing and you'll actually want to get there, not dread it.

I ask what you want to be, because everyone has a dream. Somewhere, down deep, maybe when you were younger, you had a dream for a future.Whatever it was, that someone who can help you accomplish it is you. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to put YOU first. Love your family and friends, but your life comes first. You only get one shot at it. If you end it abruptly and before it's time, you have cheated yourself of great joy, yes, some heartbreak, but on the most part, wonderful people(you have yet to meet) and most of all, letting the world get to know you, Gothic girl.

If you had a chance to start all over again little girl, what would you want to do with your life? We already know you have a very big heart because of the pain you feel from losing your friends, and how you reach out to Cutie. Remind yourself of what else there is in you that is good and deserving of another shot at life.

January 2, 2001
12:50 pm
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Cici
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I remember high school - what a carnival of horrors. But, a trial by fire. Everyone suffers through it. Some people can handle it, others can't. My Dad always told me "Suffering makes the soul". I never listened to him until I had suffered a lot at my own hands.

I got into the field of psychology because I wanted to help people. Yet the more I learn about the human mind, the more I realize that my profession is more like guiding than leading. The patient has to make 90% of the effort themselves.

It's funny how in America we believe that we should be happy all the time. The idea of it is so ridiculous. Of course you can't be happy unless you are occasssionally sad, or even depressed. Your true colors come out when you realize that you are the one who decides your state of mind. YOU decide whether you'll be happy or sad.

At 14, I remember that everything was so intense (I'm 21 now). So harsh. But I realize now that it is the well of experience from which you draw that gives you strength. More experience = more strength.

I was addicted to drugs. I was even homeless for a time. My Mom stopped speaking to me for over a year at that time. It was a hard time. I remember the third time I've ever seen my Dad cry one morning when I came stumbling back to my parents' house at like 10am. He cried and told me that "You've taken the hardest road".

Life will throw things at you. Dying friends and family. Stupid mistakes, massive obstacles. You can't prevent that, nor can you make yourself be happy and corageous, or always noble. But you can control how you face these obstacles. If you need help, ask for it. But look inside yourself. You know you will survive.

Changing your environment is the first and best step to changing your lifestyle. Good luck.

January 3, 2001
5:31 pm
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GothicGirl
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Ok first of all the gothic movement I believe in is the only one I know of. The movement that was one a part of the "punk movement" but I group of them didn't like the violence of it so the broke off to form the "gothic movement" and well most may be dark it is all about indiviuality which is what I strongly believe in.
Well really I don't know hoq to responde to the rest of the most I am having trouble putting words to it right now. Well I talked to my school counselor and it was pretty fun just a converstion on how our Christmas was and stuff. A friend of mine was also there it was a very casual situation and it got most of the stress of the last 2 weeks of my mind for the most part. Well I really don't know what else to say. And about what I want to be when I grow up I want to be in the Air Force I think I am not sure right now and I also want to be able to be outdoors working with kids like I do know it is the funnest thing. And about the having kids and a husband and stuff doesn't seem to far away for me it seems to close i think about how fast my life has gone so far and stuff and how in another 3 years I may never see or here from some of my friends again It's a scary thought.

January 16, 2001
8:02 pm
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GothicGirl
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Ok I know no one has responed lately and I am probably a lost cause but I just thought I would give quick update. I overdosed like 4 days ago. I told myself I wouldn't I told others I wouldn't it just happened. Well now like a couple of my friends(the ones that know) are mad at me and dissapointed. I don't know what to do I am so lost right now and my anxiety disorder feels like it is gettign worse and it feels like I am all alone with no one to help me no where to turn that I have no friends and no one else left who wants to be friends. I just don't know what to do anymore. Then there are also money problems in my house and it is gettting harder to deal with home stuff. I go to a psychologist(sorry spelling is another soar spot in my life) but she doesn't help she just makes it worse. I don't know what to do I feel so helpless and I just want to feel normal to fit in to be liked to have friends to turn to that care. But people are probably right I am ahopeless cause.

January 16, 2001
10:14 pm
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Molly
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Hopeless cause never, stuck maybe. When your all alone in the dark its hard to find the lightswitch. But when you do, it is as simple as that, just a switch, of your mind. You own the power. Reclaim it. It seems to get harder every year, and life was really so much easier when I was young, a whole 33 years older than you. It is amazing when you look back at history this last 100 years give or take a few, is really the first time there is a catagory called adolescents. I can't spell either. It used to be almost as soon as you started your period, you were marriage material, and traded or sold into being a wife. To old to be a child, to young for everything else. But attitude is everything. How does your psych, make things worse? Continue to let loose here with your feelings, it is true, perhaps you don't like all you hear, and perhaps you don't get it all today, but what ever you hear, you cannot unhear, and it might make sense to you some day. As far as my education on Gothic, I have a good friend who is, ever heard of Egoplum? What about Korn, or ever heard of Goldtoothe? Friends in each of the bands, and they are pretty radical. Not that I support the stuff, simply because of the darkness, and anger, but I know the movement, and most of what it is about. I'll stick to my hippie side, so peace and love to you.

January 16, 2001
10:50 pm
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Helenof Troy
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Ok..Gothicgirl..I'm new in this discussion thing too. I've just read all of the above. What I'm so curious & confused about is WHAT HAS HAPPENED in your life that is causing you all of this suicidal pain? Abusive parents? Incest? getting beat up at school all the time? do people tease you about your looks? Is there a missing piece of information that we are not getting as to far as what makes you "cut"? My questions are very simple. I just know that some of your friends have died and all that but expect that from ALL DRUG USERS and etc. I really feel for you but there's got to be some root of this problem. Once you find that, you can work from there.

January 17, 2001
10:39 am
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Cici
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i hate to say this, but a psychologist isn't like a physician. You don't go and expect them to fix everything with a magic wand. Therapy is a painful process. Gothicgirl, do you know what your therapeutic goal is? Is it to feel happy?

The thing is, depending on what her school of philosophy is, the point of therapy is to dredge through all the muck of trauma and pain that you have gone through and find meaning in your life. You have to re-experience the pain to understnad that the pain cannot control you. You let the pain control you because you fear the memory of that angush. Yet the memory is often worse than the actual experience.

Let me tell you a story. I'm in psychology, my internship is at a maximum security facility for males who are violent criminals and are mentally incompetant. 75% of them have schizophrenia.

In three years, one man has successfully maintained sanity. Schizophrenia is a terrible disease, the main result of this pathology is suicide because they constantly hear voices, see vivid and disturbing hallucinations, feel vivid crawling sensations all over thier skin. It's hard to get the patients to keep taking their meds after being discharged by court order because the side effects are equally problematic -loss of memory, lethargy, parkinson's-like termbling and twitching. LIp-smacking, eye-rolling, sleep disturbances.

It's hard to get a patient who is that dellusional to see that they are ill. I'd say 95% of the resiednts there will say they aren't mentally ill. They truely believe that the twisted reality they experience IS reality. Anyways, one man has been able to keep taking his meds. He has developed enough self-awareness to see that he has a disease, he sees a therapist, his main goal is to maintain stability. He now owns a successful computer company.

Moral of the story. If this man can struggle through his disease and win with only his determination to help him, I know you can find it in your heart to struggle, too.

January 17, 2001
8:01 pm
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GothicGirl
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Molly I believe it was you who wanted to know why my psych was making it worse. Well I feel as if she doesn't car about me and she isn't very into findign a solution that can help. I feel liek every time I go talk to her I have to lie and act happy because I have a fear that she will tell my parents stuff and that my parents will over react and stuff they have a tendincy to punish me for stuff that are far from my control and yell at me for putting to much stress on the family. So I constantly can't twll her the whole truth and she and most other people thinkI am completely happy so I feel I should just leave it that way. Not add stress to anyone.

Ok Helenof Troy you wanted to know what the stuff was that has been causing me pain well I have had 3 friends diein car accidents and things, I had 3 relative die in one weekend of aids, alzhiemers, and lung cancer, I had 5 very close adults in my life die, and then yet one more relative just this year. I have had many friends leave in my life. Pretty much the only friends I had through elementary school have moved or hate me now becuase they are to good for me. I have always been the fat ugly one and called that to my face throughout school the one with no friends. My parents have both been abusive towards me physically and they have been extremly emotionaly abusive to me. I have always had to bottle up my emotions cause my dad would call me a baby and still does and my mom tells me to go to my room until I get a life. I have also bee sick most of my life and when I am sick and or in pain and hurting physically I can't tell my dad because I am lying or I am being weak. I am now under going testing for skin cancer which is just more strees all of this and I am only 14 I guess that is about the extent of my "pain" but I am not sure. I have also lost friends to the world of drugs and violence and I am stuck inbetween groups of friends now not being accepted in either one.

CiCi I know they can't just make it better but I seem to be getting worse now. My pstch is extremly laid back in the treatment paln of action I have been going for a couple of years now without being treatred for ADD, depression, and anxiety disorder. I know medications can't help completely but they have even been mentioned as an option to try to help. She just listens to me lye about how I am happy now because I am acpected to be.

January 17, 2001
9:04 pm
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Molly
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Well it is up to you then, and thank you for being open, and trusting us with your life, I hope that we can be support for you, but that is all just support. You are the only one that can change your thinking process, thoughts are things.
Parents can be a pain in the ass, having had them, and having been one, I can state this from experience. They have their S***, too, and of course are usually in denial of it, so don't even try to go there, but focus on you. I can guarentee you one thing though, they love you, and want the best for you. They may not know how to show it correctly, and might make you wonder some times, but darn, they are human, and probbally still have issues with their upbringing, we only know what we are taught. So disconnect from their drama be respectful, and do not empower their scarcasim. Words hurt, and only a person who has grown such thick skin,from wounds that they recieved would dish it out. Something for you to consider.
Death is a hard thing to deal with, doesn't matter who, or how, it is the ultimate no, and it hurts us, scares us, and many people fear it. Often religion helps with dealing with this, or my perspective is that people are energy, their spirit so to speak. You have lost many close to you, can you celebrate the good memories that you have of them? Can you perhaps write them a letter? There are many different ways to deal with death, and there are 7 stages of grief, one of them being anger, perhaps this would be a good discussion for the shrink, going over the grief stages, and discussing your loss. Speaking of shrink is there some way to get a confidentiality agreement? Doesn't hurt to ask.
How have you been sick most of your life? Is that the cause of weight gain? are your parents big people, or eating habits cuz there was nothing better going on? Since you don't have friends right now, can you think of say 5 people including movie stars, or political figures, that would be a good influence for you? People that you would like to invite to lunch? If so write me who they are, and why. I have an idea for you.
Why do you think one group of friends think they are to good for you?
Skin cancer, at least they are getting it now, nothing to fret over, and I believe that if you think it is no big deal, then it will not be. Perhaps they can remove it, and be done with it, just like Clinton had on the news the other day.
Time to think and do, but happiness is like a surprise, some times we get it, sometimes we have to work at it. Think positive thoughts, the negative ones multiply quickly and that is no good.

January 18, 2001
3:05 pm
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Cici
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Ask the psych to see a confidentiality agrement. She should have one anyway. If she is a psychiatrist, patient-client privalege would apply. If she is a psychologist (thus, not an MD and unable to prescribe medication) she should have a form you can fill out.

But, realistically, you can't really expect her to be psychic, can you? You present a certain face to her, what can she judge by otherwise? Intuition? Vibes?

If you go to the doctor with a headache and never mention that you have any pain whatsoever, they won't treat you for the headache. Then you only find out when you have an inoperable brain tumor, would you sue the doctor for malpractice because you never told her what was wrong with you?

I am sorry about the situation with your parents. I know how it feels, I had an abusive mother and for about a year we didn't even speak. But in the end, you only live with your parents for 18 years. Some people let their parents control their emotional reactions all their lives.

When I was younger, I always admired my older sister because instead of bein ghurt or cowed by my Mom, she would laugh at my Mom. she's an amazingly balanced person anyway. Laughter is such a great coping strategy.

January 18, 2001
4:39 pm
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gingerleigh
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Lying about your feelings, or covering them up, or trying to tell yourself and others that you feel a certain way keeps you sick and sad. Don't lie anymore, tell it LIKE IT IS. A doctor can't make disease A go away if you tell him to treat you for disease B, can he?

February 1, 2001
6:10 pm
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GothicGirl
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Hey it's Gothic Girl I know it's been awhile since I ahve written I just have been in a lost for words and motivation for anything. I would like to start by answering some questions you have asked. First off the medial problems i havee been plaged with have been those such as immature longs(still to this day) and a air passage 1/4 the size of an average persons. These as far as my knowledge are not weight related. As for my parents my dad is an athletic freak college athlete kind of person who works out everyday. No pain no gain is his saying and I am not supposed to cry because according to him I am a baby then I do and when I am sick or hurt I am a baby. Molly I will try to take your advice to a point. My parents are the kind of parents who if there is something wrong with your life or your mad or something it is a bad thing like when I went to the ER for suicide attempts when I came home I got yelled at and stuff. They never talk to me only yell. I know I have to be truthful but my parents make it seem like a bad thing if I am no better that I am just a bigger burden toward them. It hurts me so much because I feel like I can't get better then becasue I am to busy pretending I am busy. And well now my mom cancled my pyscologist appointments and I on my application for camp this summer on the health history it asked if I have ever been treated or hospitalized for a psyciatric problem and my mom put no. like nothing has ever been wrong or anything. that hurts me inside and I don't know why it matters to me that much but it does. I want help I want to feel normal and be loved and cared for and I wnat to know what it feels liek to to be happy and not constantley worried about what people think and feel of me. Thank you all for listening to me.

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