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need help to separate myself
August 1, 2005
6:46 pm
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trev
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Hello, I typed in a few words on a search engine, and this site popped up. I'm at my wits end. It can't get any worse, and if I don't find any answers here well at least I tried right? I've been in a very psychologically controlling and mentally and verbally abusive relationship for the past 5 years. I guess you could say all the classic signs are there...isolation from my family and friends, demanding complete financial and emotional dependance on him, wearing what he wants me to, speaking only when spoken to, yanked out of the mall in front of everyone for "embarassing him," and finally to hearing that it's not my choice to be in an intimate moment with him, I'm his girlfriend and that is his RIGHT...and as I'm sure you all know, it goes on, and on...My point is finally I can't take it anymore, I can't be insane with him, I'm so dead inside, I can't understand how the outer shell is still functioning. We've "broken up," many times, and eventually I take him back, not because I love him, but because somehow it seems he makes it easier on me if I just stay. He has me so brainwashed that I actually feel bad for leaving him...until now. I'm done, I can't do this anymore, and inside I know I'm way too smart for this, and deserve to be okay, not to live on a bed of eggshells, because no matter how much I do what he wants, it really is never enough. He's finally "let" me break up with him for the last time, and my god has it been hell. Biggest problem is, we live together in a house we both contributed to, but to "keep my credit good for other things," his is the only name on the deed, along with my car, bank accounts, credit cards, bills, grocery memberships, nothing about my life says these are mine, like there is no record of me. He told me I could quit my job so I could stay home and start a business I've always dreamed ofm said he was in total support, and when I started making good money things got even worse, I asked him what was his problem, since he told me to go for it, and was there every step of the way, only to be told, "Well god, I KNEW you wouldn't make it, so I acted like it was fine, but now here you are acting like you're something special when you're just not hun..." WOW! What a fool I'd been...and that's when I realized every word I'd ever heard come out of his mouth was a deceitful lie. So of course now he wants to kick me out, said he would sell the house to me for 3 times what we bought it for, but okay, small price to pay to be relieved of him, so I got approved for the loan, and since he controlled every aspect of my life, I don't know where the documents are that I need to produce to finalize the loan, and guess who won't give them to me...? How do I learn how to separate myself completely, and do all the normal things people do regarding their lives. I know it's silly but if anyone has any advice on what my rights are to my own property are, and how I can endure him for the duration of the time it takes to get him out, I'm all ears, and would be forever greatful, even if it's just one sentence that reminds me I'm not crazy. Sorry for the long drawn out story, but I swear I haven't talked to ANYONE in years, thank you all so much for being out there. Trev

August 1, 2005
10:22 pm
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CAMER
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hi trev, i can feel your pain, and yes you WERE in alot of denial, and now making every step to get away from this man, you don't deserve to be treated like this.

You did mention that you were approved for the loan, so the bank must have "records" of this, for approval...(documents)...you could always go to court for settlement too...with his name on the deed and no proof of you paying any money towards the house may be difficult...most likely you would probably have to talk with an attorney for more info.

Wish i could have helped you more, but i am bumping this thread up, and hope all works out well for you, my prayers are with you.

Camer

August 2, 2005
12:08 am
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EJ
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Hi Trev,

I think it's wonderful that you have grown to the point that you can really see this situation and relationship for what they are. The fact that you're on this site, opening up about what you've allowed yourself to be put through is also a fantastic step.

There are a lot of good books you can read about these issues. You may have already read some of them, but if not, I really recommend "Codependent No More" "Love is a Choice" "Boundaries" "Changes that Heal" and "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them". These books really helped me when I didn't yet know enough to put my finger on what the problem was and gave me ideas about how to move forward.

As to your legal issues, I feel for you. In all probability, your ex will continue to use your financial situation to exercise control over you for as long as he can. If I were you, I'd start reading websites about divorce, preparing for divorce (I realize you weren't legally married, but these sites can give you a lot of financial advice) palimony, etc. I would imagine that you're entitled to some type of spousal support or property division, even if his name is on the property.

You need legal guidance and you can probably get a free first visit with a divorce lawyer in your area. Your banker, as well, may be able to tell you more than you might expect about what to do in this situation.

Check your phone book for organizations that help battered women. Since your boyfriend has been raping you, you certainly qualify for their help! They may be able to provide information, support groups, direct you to low-cost legal advice, etc.

Don't try to handle all this on your own. It sounds like you've become very isolated, and you need to remind yourself that there are other sources of love and help in this world besides your boyfriend, so you're not tempted to take him back during a time when you feel extremely weak, guilty and lonely. Can you contact your family, old friends? If not, I really urge you to find a church with a good support group for codependents. Many large churches have them. Don't be ashamed of your situation. It's very easy to feel like the biggest moron in the world for having allowed your life to deteriorate so far (believe me, I know), but unfortunately a LOT of women go through these kinds of destructive relationships. You'll be surprised how many people will totally understand where you're coming from. When I first got separated and started telling people, I was absolutely shocked at how many of the women I know broke down and told stories about their marriages that were worse than mine!! They all wanted to know what lawyer i was using and how much he charged!! One of my adult students started to cry and said she thought she was the only one with problems and that she suspected her husband was an alcoholic. Another woman described how she'd been tolerating her husband's open affairs and screaming, crazy verbal abuse for years. Another friend told me about a first marriage I didn't even know she'd had with a cheater. And on and on. It was incredible. There's absolutely no reason for you to feel alone or for you to face this alone.

I can tell that you're a very intelligent woman by the way you've analyzed this relationship and by the success you've made of your business. It's scary to go out on your own. I was terrified (I know it sounds silly) of having to mow my own lawn! But you know what? My neighbor taught me how to use the lawn mower in about 5 minutes and I've found out it's a lot easier to cut my own grass than it is to live in misery!! I was also very nervous about handling my own finances, but I checked out some good books on the subject the day after I threw my husband out, I set up a budget and it still makes me a little nervous, but I'm doing fine. Turns out I was smarter than I thought. So are you -- I promise!!

Love and best wishes,
EJ

August 2, 2005
9:56 am
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shyshy
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How long were you living together? Is there any type of law in the state you are from for common law marriages?

I would think that there must be something that you can legally claim based on common law marriage!!

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