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April 3, 2007
1:01 pm
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katarina
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my best friend who has a husband that is a addict and a alcholic. This is alittle of the story. while she was pregnant with twins he took a bottle of tylenol and almost died. The doctor ordered him to get off of the booze so he took the tylenol instead. Now he is on xanax. He claimed that he would get off of them by himself. He never went to AA to deal with the problem. He won't go even now. It is effecting the kids who are 10. He detoxted himself for five days and then couldn't take it anymore and went ahead and took them because he couldn't take detoxing. Now he told his wife he is sorry and he will wean himself off of them himself! His dad came over and made him throw them out. Now for the fourth time, he wants her to stand by and help him get off of them. The man has never reached rock bottom. He is in his forties. The kids are ten. I think he needs to leave for awhile while he is detoxing. What do yu think?

April 3, 2007
1:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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I think you may be right, BUT, it really isn't your issue to resolve.

Part of being codependent means focusing too much on every one else's problems and not focusing on our own.

Hand's off should be a recovery motto.

Support your friend - listen and let her know you are there for her. BUT, try to stay detached...and keep yourself focused on your own set of problems....cuz your own problems are the ONLY ones you can solve.

As I said, you are probably right, but sometimes we just can't help, no matter how strong the urge to do it. He has to find the way himself and his wife has to resolve their relationship among the two of them.

April 3, 2007
2:39 pm
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katarina
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OH, I KNOW BUT, I WANTED TO GET SOME ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE THATS ALL. IT IS HER DECISION NOT MINE.

April 3, 2007
2:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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well, I am not sure what you mean...I don't count cuz I haven't been "there"?

I have been in YOUR shoes. Seeing a friend in a bad spot and wanting to "rescue" them from the situation.

And it only hurt me in the end...and never really helped my friend at all.

In the end, your friend (and mine) has to make their own decisions, as does her husband.

I HAVE been there. In your shoes anyway.

As for having a partner who promises to quit, without going to meetings. I say that it's possible...if he wants to for the right reasons...but chances are, unless he addresses his reasons for addiction, he's only going to find a new vice to replace the old one. And if he doesn't get help, he won't solve the problem.

I am sure that's probably more of what you wanted to hear...but the reality is...there isn't much you can do other than support her no matter what she choses to do, or he does.

April 3, 2007
2:57 pm
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taj64
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My opinion because I went through this with my ex husband. After 3 times of going into rehab and saying this would be it, sorry it is last time, and putting me through hell, I was no longer believing in him and was even angry that he was going to rehab. Imagine being angry when someone wants to get help but after awhile I was ticked because after every attempt to go to 30 day in house program where he doesn't have any responsibility, didn't at home anyway, I was old and tired of the song and dance. I ended this because of the kids and myself. It is a bad situation to live iwth a drug addict and really is not a good environmental home for kids. Maybe you could talk to your friends about it, she could lean on you as a friend. I sure wish I had more friends around during my crisis. It was very difficult to do it alone, very. It would have been very helpful to me becuase it was difficult to make a simple decision much less a very hard decision when you see someone who takes drugs or alchol and try to be a parent. IT is a lot to bear for the spouse too. I know, been there. I think it is great you asked questions to help her. These kids are what really is important and I sense this. Good luck.

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