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need help, need to become my own man again
May 8, 2009
11:12 pm
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westernsky
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I am currently in a relationship with what i thougth was my soul mate. Before we met i was independent. I did not need anyone except me. Been in the relationship for 8 yrs. now, and have recently found out that my soul mate signed my name to get over 120,000 dollars in student loans that i did not know about. I have gotten so used to this person in my life, now if i file the identity theft charges i will lose them forever. What happened to me? I never needed anyone before and now i am so afraid of being alone. Please help. Thanks

May 8, 2009
11:28 pm
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fantas
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((((Westernsky))), I'm really sorry about this. It must hurt. Reporting her and leaving her a two different things. Many spouses have had to deal with a gambling significant other who has squandered their entire family savings. You need to report this so as to protect your credit and to draw a boundary. She needs to know this is not okay with you and it's illegal. For you not to report her is to enable her, just like a partner of an addict might resist confrontation for fear of loosing the partner.

I also don't think this has anything to do with being your own man and not needing anyone. This is the pain than comes with love. It's much harder to confront and draw boundaries with those closest to us. I think what you are feeling is absolutely natural. Doesn't mean you don't confront the issue.

How did you find out? What did she have to say about this? Does she understand that you must report her? Has she done other things? She will have to earn her trust back. This is going to be a difficult time in your household. I'm really sorry.

May 8, 2009
11:38 pm
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westernsky
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What makes it so bad is that i was kept hidden from me..I trusted too much. All that keeps running thru my head is all the good times we shared. We took some really good road trips across the country. Everything I look at in this house sparks a memory. This is going to be so hard to do. But again i think that if i was truly loved it would not have happened in the first place. If i dont file charges then i am hung with the loans. It is going to be so hard I usually dont cry, but I am now, not about the loans but the thought of being alone again. I just wished i could go back in time and know the things that I know now, would have saved me alot of heartache.

May 8, 2009
11:50 pm
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westernsky
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sorry fantas i didnt answer your questions and thank you for your reply. I found out when i got a call from a collection agency that i had 31,000 dollar loan that i was responsible for. I checked my credit and found that I had an additional 4 more loans. It was kept so well hidden..I even had a P.O Box that i didnt know about so all of the mail concerning this was going there. I feel so betrayed and yet i feel so stupid for not checking my report more often. This is truly going to be a case of tough love. In the end after all this is over I feel right now that I would except them back into my life. maybe some good will come out of it..give her a chance to reflect on what all she had and what is soon to be gone. What makes it bad is that she would be able to make payments, but I only have a limited number of days to file the charges. If i dont, and something happens between us then here I sit alone anyway and with a huge debt to repay. When i first confronted her on it, I was told i was only put down as a contact. Then i find out on my own that i am the prime borrower.

May 9, 2009
12:12 am
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fantas
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Westernsky,

This must be really difficult. You definitely need to file a fraud case tomorrow if you can. Maybe for now, you can choose to stay away from each other until you can sort this out. There is no excuse for what she did. It's really deceptive. First things first, report the case, seek support from your family and friends and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. There is only one person who was stupid in this case and this is her.

You guys were a couple, you trusted each other and you couldn't have imagined she would have done this. I think it's fair to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, vulnerable, but I do not think you should judge yourself for what she manipulatively did. She intentionally created a P.O. number so you didn't find out. Put the blame where it's at. With her!

~hang in there~

May 9, 2009
10:33 am
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atalose
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When you first confronted her – she told you she only put you down as a contact. Then you find out you are the prime borrower.

Did you ask her to produce the paperwork regarding these loans?

Did you show her the documents showing you as the prime borrower? What was her response?

Where are things right now between the two of you, do you still live together? Does she own up to what she did? Is she still continuing to lie to you?

Future predictions can often be based on past behavior. Yes 8 years is alot of time to invest in someone but certainly not an indicator that the rest of your life has to be based around.

If you are thinking of moving forward with this person who deceived and lied to you then make sure today that you both put this loan on paper and have it legally notarized that she and only she is responsible to pay it off and if she defaults then she is responsible not only for the loan but the consequences for ruining your credit.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 9, 2009
11:00 am
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sunshine88
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hi, westernsky, welcome to AAC. you've found here a place to vent, and share your innermost emotions, and there will be no one here to judge you.

your fear of being suddenly single is valid. i had that a few weeks ago, and it was really like a ghost that made shudder. i drew a lot of support and strength from the people here, and are now, in my heart, my friends. i'm still grieving for my being alone again. like you, i wish i could go back, and not let this person in my life. but, westernsky, nobody knew that they will leave us in this condition. am sorry that there is even a big financial mess alongside the emotional mess that she will leave behind. and it will be all on your head.

please do keep posting and we will do our best to support you in any way we can. take care, and cyber hugs to you.

May 9, 2009
11:03 am
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penny lane
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Westernsky

This is not ok...she crossed the boundry of trust with the spouse she has lived with for 8 years..I am curious as to her reasons WHY? Why shouldn't come to you and approach this as a couple...why?

I am a firm beleiver that two wrongs dont make a right..and for you to hide this and not pursue a legal action would wear on you for the rest of your life..on some level. But when you do file..this is a brilliant opportunity to do one of two things...either begin a new relationship with this woman based on a new trust...or ...give you a clear consciense to move forward with a divorce..this woman is the key and her reactions and approach will help you with your decision.

You have repeatedly said "them" ..are there children involved? if so ..this is another reason for you to act on this..children look to their parents for the meaning of right and wrong and how to treat the people they love.

I wish you luck in finding your path

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