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Need help making decision
November 11, 2004
9:40 am
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samrhimom
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My husband and I filed for bankruptcy (7) a couple of months ago and it is due to be discharged this month...well, the thing is I was behind on the house payment before and we reaffirmed on the house. They are wanting $4600 or for us to be out of the house by the end of the month...here is my deilemma...I have no way of getting the money together and do not know if i want to due to the problems that spouse and I are having...i do not know whether to break out on my own with kids but i feel guilty leaving him without home...he can always move back in with parents but... is this my codep acting up, i mean why should i care if he has a place or not. HELP me I am losing my mind. I have gotten a horrible case of hives from worrying about this. You all are the only ones i can talk to about this.

November 11, 2004
9:50 am
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on my way
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Hi samr, for me I tried everything that I knew to do to save my marriage, but at the time I didn't know that we were both codependent. What ended up happening, after our BRtcy, after losing our house, etc, is that all of my reentment adn feelings kept arising at one time or another. So i guess it depends on how serious you are about the marriage, how the children are faring, and how much stress is there for you. I understand what you are saying. You care if he has a plac to lie because at one time you probably loved this person. But if you are spirally downward as a result of the relationship, and losing yourself, thensome type of change may need to be made.

November 11, 2004
10:09 am
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samrhimom
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I just wish I weren't so confused. My main worry is that the house deal is all my fault, well, no it isn't, he should be help accountable too. I just dread talking to him about it because he will scream and fuss. I really want to leave but I can't. I know I would be happier on my own. My daughters, I don't know, they love their daddy but he is always too busy to do things with them or help me with them. I worry about his parents because I do a lot of their running and dr appts for them. His other 2 siblings don't help out and since I work nights we help each other out. I have thought about asking to borrow the money from them and just pay it back but why do that when we just filed to get out of debt. I do feel like I am on a roller coaster and it just won't stop. I am scared for my health also. Stress like this cannot be good.

November 12, 2004
12:22 am
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workinonit
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sam,

how much equity is in your home? What do you stand to lose in assetts that way?

If you can save the house and then put it on the market will you be able to get any money from the sale?

My ex was this way too and i felt similarly about an investment we made with a group. I felt guilty about wanting to leave so I figured he could keep the house investment. Don't screw yourself this way if you don't have to. Have you spoken to a bankruptcy lawyer?

November 12, 2004
4:35 am
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samrhimom
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I did, and he said that we could do a chapter 13 but I don't want to do that and then I got to thinking the house is only in HIS name so He could file and I would be alright. But I am soooo afraid to talk to him about this.

November 12, 2004
5:42 am
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LEILEI
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September 30, 2010
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sam; I feel you really must talk to him about this. Not making a decision is making a decision not to do anything, and a problem of this nature is not something you can put on the back burner & try to wait for a better time to bring it up. You have no time, and since your house is in foreclosure and your about to be homeless you need to address this at once. If not for you then for your kids, I don't know how old your children are, but havings to relocate, change schools etc., can be very devistating, and that would explain your hives. It sounds as if you have eczema, which is caused from stress, and if it persists can leave scars. You need to see a dermatologist for that asap. Do you have a backup plan? If your not sure you want to leave your husband, you still need to have a plan for you and your kids. Your best best would be to do what is called a short sale, there is still time to sell your house. This is how it works. You have to be out of your house within 3o days (coorect me if I am wrong) if your lender has provided you with a specific date, that is the sale date. What happens on the sale date is your house is sold to the highest bidder on the courthouse steps, the sherriff will notify you prior to that informing you of the actual sale date, and time and the notice will state that all occupants must vacate by that date, and you will forfeit your right to any personal beloingings that still remain on the property after that date.
You need to contact a reputable real estate agent in your area immediately.
I am sure you have received letters in the mail from local agents, attorneys, investors, offering to buy your home, since the sale is public information.
In a short sale a realtor or investor will buy the property at a discounted price, the mortgage will be paid off and you will received the balance (less seller closing costs) so its important to know if you have any equity in your home. The equity is the difference between what the property would sell for (selling price) less the mtg. balance due now including all back payments, late fees/penalties, atty. fees. I cannot stress to you that this should be your top priority and needs to be addressed no matter how uncomfortable it is. I am glad you have reached out and keep posting. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

November 12, 2004
11:57 am
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kathygy
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I don't have any advise about your house but if you want to leave your husband it is not your responsibility to find him a place to live. He is a grown man and has resources. You are also not responsible for his parents. It does sound very important that you gather your courage and have that talk with him. Get it over with, the sooner the better. Staying in a marriage out of guilt is not doing either one of you a favor. You both deserve a marriage that works.

November 15, 2004
4:01 am
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samrhimom
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Sorry it took so long to post back. I have worried about this and cannot stop. I still dont know what I am going to do. I feel guilty putting us in the situation but he isnt worried about anything, he just sits in his recliner playing playstation. I have tried to talk to him but he just yells at me. I am going to see about getting a loan and paying it back and that way he will have the house. I feel so confused...tonight before I came into work I showed him a pic of a haircut that I won't and he tells me no, absolutely not, you are not cutting your hair...to me, I got mad and I asked him if it is more important for me to be happy. He makes all the decisions and I have to live with it. I have to ask permission to do anything during the day and I am not allowed to go out with friends because I might be coerced into something...bs. My daughters are seven and two. I have sat and thought tonight about what type of mother i am for allowing all the stuff that has went on for the last couple of years. We got into a discussion this afternoon about me not allowing the girls to use the word "stupid", he put me down in front of them and said that they should be allowed to say it. Oh well, one of these days I will get the balls about me to do something and hopefully make the right decision. I went to the dr and he put me on paxil i have not started those pills yet because of the side effects. I cannot sleep too good because of having the baby at home with me during the day and I have to wake up if she needs me because he will not allow her to go to daycare...he puts her to bed at 8pm and then she is up by 9am...i get home at 5.30am and stay up and getting oldest one off to school and get to bed after 8am. I have been taking phentarmine to stay awake but we all know that isnt good or healthy. The dr said it was hives and I am supposed to go back next month for another follow up. I appreciate all the advice. I need to get back into my counseling sessions too. I have really missed them.

November 15, 2004
8:28 am
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readyforachange
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sam...

I read your posts...I'm sorry for all of the hurt you are going through, but I'm glad you are finally reaching out and wanting to take care of yourself and your daughters. I feel exactly the way you do about my daughter, like I'm not being a good example for her by allowing my husband to treat me the way he does. I actually asked him one time how he would feel if someone treated our daughter the way he treated me. He didn't respond. Please continue to post here, it's a great source of support and courage. Go back to counseling, and take care of yourself. I know financial troubles are scary...is there anyone you can ask for help? Money isn't as important as you and your children's happiness. Please stay strong for them and for yourself. Good luck, and lots of hugs. (((((sam))))

ready

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