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Need help for out of control boyfriend....
March 19, 2000
6:38 pm
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Angel1971
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Hi. I'm new to this...i found a link to this site on my boyfriend's screen name. I need help,i've tried everything I could to help my boyfriend. he was sexually abused as a child, and that's all I know because he won't tell me anything else. i understand that it's a sensitive subject, but i also know that he needs to talk about it if he wants to move on with his life. lately he's been out of control and he gets worse and worse. for some odd reason this childhood thing has been brought up again...he lashes out a lot for no reason, he has serious mood swings, etc. for instance, one night we were watching a movie, and i decided to ask him a
few questions, like if he would ever agree to see a therapist. he got visibly nervous and edgy and he finally kind of snapped and started yelling. he has an anger problem, but it's only brought out when we start discussing sensitive matters for him. he has a lot of pride, so i know that's another reason for why he won't see help. it also makes intimacy hard between us. sometimes i feel like he doesn’t trust me at all, and this is really weird--but occasionally i even feel bad seducing him. sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. he has certain repetitious dreams, such as being in the same situation he was in when he was younger. he never said that...but i can tell, because when he wakes up upset he's usually screaming things and letting things slip, then when i try to comfort him he shoves me away and screams at me to go away. i don't think he's consciously aware that he's doing this. he told me that while he was at his physician’s for just a routine check-up, he was told that he might have post traumatic stress disorder. i looked into that,
and he certainly has all the symptoms--including the flashbacks, which sometimes happen for no reason in the middle of the day, like while we’re in the car. he once had a panic attack from a flashback. the doctor gave him a list of therapists in our area, but i don’t think he’s ever going to call. he hates therapists. i’ve tried calling myself, and booking appointments, only to have him walk out in the middle of the session. i’ve tried getting him to talk to me, but that’s impossible. i love him very, very much and i hate to see him go through this. i don’t feel like i have much of a choice left. i can’t force him to see help.so, this is my last resort. i need advice other than, “just let him know you’re there for him,” because something needs to be done before he gets any worse. i’d really appreciate
an answer!

March 20, 2000
1:22 am
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BROC
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No, you can't fix him. FACT!

Only alot of counseling can, and alot of work by him FOR HIM.

If he doesn't, IT WON"T WORK! EVER! The way your rel. functions now will be the EXACT way it will function tomorrow, and the day after, and the year after, etc. ACtually, it will get much worse.

Therapy is the only answer. If he won't, you need to leave. You can't fix him, and if you stay, you will die trying.

Therapy or you need to walk. Only two choices. And by the way, the more your probe, and beg him to go, the more he will resent you and hate you. He has to see it HIMSELF. he has to wake up and say hey, I need to get some help. IF he doesn't do it ALL BY HIMSELF, you will never work with him.

B-

March 20, 2000
7:28 pm
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Angel1971
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leaving him is NOT an option for me. i can't give up on him, how selfish would that be? can you think of any way i can get him to want to see help without forcing him into it?

March 20, 2000
8:11 pm
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J. C.
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Angel, I have to say that you are very devoted to be willing to see him through this, however, Broc is right. There isn't anything you can do to make him feel better about himself. Be there and be patient. I was in the exact same spot you were many years ago. My ex-boyfriend (I suppose I wasn't as devoted as you...but I'll never say that I was selfish) first realized his childhood abuse during our relationship. It got to a point where he seemed obsessed with it. It controlled him...these memories. He did open up to me and I felt sympathy for him. Feeling sorry for him didn't change anything...it just fed the subject. The more he remembered the more he drank or did drugs. One night he came home on something and held me against the wall by my throat. Yes, he hit rock bottom. I left for my own safety...not because I stopped caring. It was best for both me and him given the circumstances. Of course the circumstances were...he felt sorry for himself, then came to me to say things to lift his spirits. I played that for a while. Even after we were officially broken up, but he used excuses to keep coming back. He was depending on me to make him happy. Fact is, I couldn't and never could. He refused to except that and kept coming to me for sympathy. Sometimes he was nice to me and sometimes he was demanding. If he didn't get the attention he wanted he became angry and threatening. It got as far as high speed chases in the middle of the night to get away from him. I spent the night at friend's houses so he couldn't find me. Campus Security had to walk me out to my car after my classes. He told everyone I met that I broke up with him because he was sexually abused as a child. I was in danger. He did not, even once, look out for my best interest. He never cared if I was okay...just as long as I was there for him. Perhaps your situation is completely different...I don't know, but I do know that I was not the right person to be the one to know his past abuse. When I was the only one to know, he depended on me to be the one to talk to about it, then expected me to solve the problem. (I'm sure he didn't realize that he expected this, but that is how I felt) His abuse was not a burden to me, nor was it the reason I ran from him. I wasn't safe with him...plus he had to solve this thing and not with sympathy. His family hates me today. They think that I drove him crazy. I think he drove himself crazy by beating himself up with his own past. I hope this comes to some use for you. I don't want to offend you. I know what it's like to feel so helpless.

Best of luck
~JC

March 21, 2000
12:08 pm
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KSUE
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You can only save yourself and he is the only one who can save himself.

March 21, 2000
1:23 pm
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BROC
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Angel,

Your answer puzzles me, although at the same time I expected it. Copedency cuts deep, and will not let go without a battle.

You see, just by that very statement I can tell that without a shadow of a doubt you are addicted to this man. If you weren't, you would be approaching it from a very different angle. I have already told you the angle you should approach it from, but I also knew that when the person in the situation (you) hears this, it goes in one ear and out the other.

You statement you made "not and option... leaves YOU with really no options at all. That is codepenednet thinking...always in extremems, right or wrong, yes or no, black or white.

So, for the record, this is what will happen to you and your sitution:

You bf needs help. BIG HELP.

You need help. Maybe not as much, but you have some issues to deal with.

Your bf's issues WILL NEVER GET BETTER WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP. AGAIN, NEVER EVER EVER.

Your issues will never get better without professional help to guide you down the road to recovery.

You will not be able to do anything to get him into therapy. You can beg, threaten, you name it. It won't work.

This is a biggie. LISTEN CARELFULLY. THE ONLY WAY IT WILL WORK IS IF HE HIMSELF, UNDER HIS OWN POWER, SEES THE NEED AND GOES IN TO GET IT. OTHERWISE, HE WILL NOT HAVE THE TENACITY TO STICK WITH IT. THIS IS NOT AN OVER-NIGHT FIX IT THAT HE NEEDS. THIS THERAPY WILL TAKE YEARS TO FINISH. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION. YOU ARE FIGHTING A DRAGON WITH A TOOTHPICK. WHY DO YOU THINK MOST RELATIONSHIPS FAIL. BECAUSE 99% OF THE POPULAITON DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THINGS REALLY WORK. THEY THINK THAT JSUT TALKING ABOUT THE PROBLEM WILL FIX IT, OR "IF HE SEES HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM" WILL FIX IT.....ALL THAT HOLLYWOOD BS.

Angel, I truley feel for you. But unless he gets help for himslef, you are wasting your life. That is a promise. Its not selfish, its just the way it is. Noone can help him except for god and a threrapist. By thinking you can, you can love him enough, you can make it better, you are in effect arrogant....you are placing yourself in the same category as god. YOU CAN'T change the way things are. SO stop it and do what you can do, which is take care of you, and SUPPORT him.

B-

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