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need help asap PLEASE-sorry so long
January 2, 2005
9:17 pm
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hurtingsobad
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well, its been a while since i have had to turn to this board for some help, but here i am. i am hurt once again. i dont know what to do. Me and my fiance' just got engaged on x-mas day, and i was so happy, we have been together a year, he is wonderful, all around. He helps me raise my son, who he wants to adopt eventually, he is a hard worker and loving guy. BUT i have one major issue. I cannot stand how he acts differently when drinking. Not anything horrible, just not himself. NOW here is the kicker....I know or i think that this all stems back to my father being an alcoholic and all the BAD memories of him acting different while drinking(this was my whole childhood). as a teenager he got help and has been in AA since. We are now VERY close.
anyway back to my fiance', so i even hate the smell of the liquor/beer on him. It makes me sick. I am not a drinker and think that is because of my past. Is it selfish of me to feel this way? will i ever accept the drinking? or do you think i may be scarred for life. I have asked him before out of respect(he knows the situation) not to get too drunk around me, and news years eve he got very drunk again. It makes me hate him seeing him all drink. CAN ANYBODY HELP ME?

January 2, 2005
9:24 pm
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jastypes
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I think you're experiencing a BIG RED FLAG and trying to rationalize the situation. Is he an alcoholic? Do you know? Are you denying he has a problem? How often does he drink? Does his drinking always end up in him getting drunk?

I think you need to keep your eyes open, and your wits about you. Don't let love blind you to the truth. If you know the truth, then you can deal with it. The worse thing is fooling yourself into believing something that isn't true, then kicking your own butt years later.

If you have co-dependent tendencies, like myself, you will want to work around this man's issues with alcohol. You will make excuses, blame yourself, and put on blinders. DON'T.

Help yourself now by taking an honest look at yourself, him, and your situation.

jill

January 2, 2005
9:29 pm
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hurtingsobad
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no, he drink occasionally, during football and the holidays, basically.
He definitely is not an alcoholic. It is me that deep down wants a man who does not drink like myself. I think i am being selfish. I cant stand the smell on his breath and when he gets drunk he acts different especially around his "buddies", nothing horrible, i just hate the way alcohol changes people. i dunno.....thx for respnding jill

January 2, 2005
9:37 pm
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jastypes
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I think with your experience it is normal to not want to be around people drinking. And it's probably not reasonable to ask someone not to drink if they want to. I guess maybe this is a boundary issue wherein you need to be able to say, "For my own sanity and peace of mind, I will not be around you when you drink," then not be around him when he drinks.

Probably easier said than done. I'm not there in my own recovery. Others may have more suggestions for you.

jill

January 2, 2005
9:44 pm
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jewel
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Hurting,

I am an adult of an alcoholic mother. I drink sometimes and my boyfriend is just how you are about me drinking. I hardly ever drink, but when I do, he almost makes me feel like I am doing something wrong or committing some kind of sin or something. Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with drinking during football and the holidays, but I do understand that you may have a lot of anger still there from your childhood and your father. I know I still do. It is hard because my mother still is drinking. My boyfriend may drink once a year and never gets drunk. I really don't know how I would react if he started drinking, but I know that he won't. He doesn't like it. I do have a question for you. Do you live with this guy? How long have you known him?

Hugs from Jewel

January 2, 2005
9:48 pm
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hurtingsobad
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yea, we live together. we have been dating seriously for a year and a half. known each other for 2 years. I love him to death and want to marry him. i just dont know whats wrong with me having a problem with the drinking. i mean all my girlfriends boyfrieds/husbands go out and drink, and they dont care-but they are drinkers, so they cannot fully relate to me. Maybe i need counceling. Thanks for all the responces. I really dont wanna start hating my fiance' for drinking! but i feel that will happen if i dont do somthing...but what?

January 2, 2005
9:54 pm
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jewel
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Hurting,

I guess I don't totally understand, but I know my sister would. She is so against drinking. The childhood we had with our mother was a big let down for us kids. She never drinks. I think she drank 2 times in her life. She looks down people who drink. When she got together with her boyfriend, he would drink sometimes. She put a stop to that. I don't think that is the right way to handle things though. I would go to counseling and get help from a professional.

Jewel

January 2, 2005
9:58 pm
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jewel
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I am sure that the way that you feel has so much to do with your childhood and your father. I was asking if you lived with your fiancee because if you didnt I thought that maybe he just didn't drink around you and tried to possible hide it. Have you talked to him about the drinking? Did you tell him that it bothers you to see him intoxicated?

January 2, 2005
10:03 pm
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hurtingsobad
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yea we discussed it a few months ago, and he felt terrible that i was so upset with the drinking, and said he wouldnt drink that much again, but new years eve he got wasted and i was so upset. i didnt act it though, i held it all in. the reason why is because our neighbors, good friends of ours(for a year now) are big partiers, and they always nag me about the drinking(casue they dont know my sit. and i didnt want to get upset in front of them- i think that he will think i am weird for not wanting him to drink and i dont want it to look like i am trying to control him...u know?

January 2, 2005
10:18 pm
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jewel
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Hurting,

New years eve is the biggest drinking night of the year. People that never drink get drunk. The thing is, he said that he wouldn't drink that much again. Do you think other people, such as the neighbors may be influencing him? Not pressuring him, but they drink so he drinks kind of thing. I feel for you because I know how it feels when someone you love is not themselves. I have felt this way for years towards my mother. But with everyone else, I don't have that kind of anger towards. Just her. I don't think that you are trying to be controlling. You can't help that you are hurting and it bothers you. I am sure that it has to do with your earlier years with your father. How old are you? I was just wondering how many years you have been dealing with this?

Hugs from Jewel

January 2, 2005
10:25 pm
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hurtingsobad
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i am 25 and my fiancee is 30. I think that the neighbors are a huge influence! but i really like them. i may have to talk to them about it or somthing. My son and their son are the same age(5) and best buds, so i dont want to stop hanging with them. However they are obsessed with partying and drinking! I made all kinds of appetizers on new years eve, and was so excited to hang out with them. but he got too drunk and it kinda ruined my night. My fiance went to the eagles game today with our neighbor kieth and once again he was drining, now i dont want to be near him and he thinks i am mad at him. and i know he will want to talk tonight,.? any suggestions. thanks

January 2, 2005
10:38 pm
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jewel
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Hurting,

I wouldn't say anything tonight about the drinking. He has been drinking and you are upset so I think it would be better if you waiting until he is completely sober and you are not hurting anymore. I think that his drinking will be a problem for you if you don't set some kind of boundary like jastypes said. Before you get married to him, work things out so that you are happy and content. You deserve to be happy.

Jewel

January 2, 2005
10:44 pm
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hurtingsobad
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thanks jewel!
another major reason i have a problem with drugs-alcohol, my ex(sons father) is a drug addict, and i use to hate it when he was high. so it brings back memories from my childhood, and memories from my relationship with my ex(who i was with for 5 years. So basically i dont want anyone in my life who changes while under the influence, because it scares me to the point where i will ending up hating them. Thanks for all your help. i will talk to him tomorrow! i will let you know what happens! (((( Kat))))

January 2, 2005
10:51 pm
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jewel
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Hurting,

Have a good night. I hope things go good tomorrow when you speak to him. Sending many hugs your way.

Jewel

January 2, 2005
11:11 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Hurting- i am so sorry that you are feeling the pain as a result of your fiance's drinking.

I feel that the memories of your father's drinking have a very powerful effect on you. You might have come to terms with it because your Dad was willing to admit that he had a problem and he did something about it.

I don't think you are trying to control your fiance. You love him and perhaps you are trying to "change something that is HIS issue." Unless HE recognizes he has a problem nothing will change. GETTING DRUNK AND BECOMING ANOTHER PERSON whether you do it to please your friends or to please yourself is still a problem. He can promise you that he won't do it again all he wants but unless he takes responsibility for himself they are just words. As the saying goes "the words go with the wind." I hope you are not getting the wrong impression of what i am trying to get across. You have been through alot of pain first with your dad and then with your x husband. We sometimes tend to get comfortable with situations we are familiar with. Have you ever attended Al Anon meetings? Have you ever considered counseling? That might clarify things for you.

First and foremost you must take care of yourself and your child.

I am a LOVE ADDICT and I know how much harm I do to myself and to others by my behavior. I finally discovered what I was all about and sought help (my addiction). I've been in therapy most of my life for childhood issues related to sexual abuse and mental abuse. I am still not out of the woods. Right now I am having an affair with a married man who cannot give me what I need. His needs are being met but MINE are not. He also has a drinking problem but he says "i don't do it all the time" its just when I am stressed. Who is he fooling? He is running from something. Again that is HIS issue not mine. I know the reality of things and I am working very hard on myself through therapy, support group and now through this site.

I didn't mean to discuss my issue but perhaps it would help you shed some light on your situation. Sometimes it is too painful to admit seeing the "RED FLAGS" but its better now than later.

I hope I have been of some help and i didn't sound like I was lecturing you.
I would like to see you happy.

Love,
Alegab

January 2, 2005
11:22 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I lived w/ an alcoholic for 12 years. I still hate the smell and can't stand the actions of drunks. Am I scarred for life? Yes, I think so. Are you scarred? Don't know. I do hope you can get past this, BUT...

If he is drinking after you explained how you feel then he has NO respect for you. You cannot expect him to change and you cannot change him. I'm sorry, but what you have now is what you will have after the marriage.

Sit down and talk to him again. Reevaluate yourself and what you want in a marriage because if this is not what you want then now is the time to walk. If you can live w/ it...get married.

January 2, 2005
11:39 pm
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shaday
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Hurting,

I know what you are feeling. I have had such bad experiences with my husband of 25 years, I stopped going out with him to party's because he always got drunk and would turn so mean and nasty. He would fight with everyone physically and verbally. I would lay in bed pretending to be asleep and praying to god he would not wake me. I now have a problem being around any man drinking. My daughter has had to explain to her boyfreind to be quiet when his been drinking as it scares my mum and makes her have an instant disliking of him. Even though he nothing like my ex.
I explain it like this, Its like being bitten by a dog that you put your hand out to stroke. You wouldn't ever do it again. The trouble is it may have been a German shepherd but you tarnish all breeds with the same brush. Tell your man how his drinking makes you feel. Afraid. Even if it is irrational to him. If he truly loves you he will understand and help you get over your fears. With compromise and understanding you must work it out together.
My ex chose not to understand or care about my feelings hence the now ex husband!

Good luck

January 3, 2005
4:32 am
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hurting in NC
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Dear Hurtingsobad,

I am not taking sides here but personally I think it is acceptable to drink occasionally, in fact my doctor told me to drink at least 2 glassed of wine a week, that in small amounts like that it is really healthy for you.
But I also completely understand how you feel. I'm no doctor or anything, but my guess would be that every time you see him take a drink you become that child again with a drunken father and you are almost terrified. If as you say he is only an occasional drinker, then it might be worth while for the 2 of you to go to counseling. If you go by yourself and he continues to drink, then I fear that your love could change to fear and resentment. (How could he drink when he knows my family history, why is the beer more important than me. This could create some realy problems in your marriage.) I think if you both go to counseling, both of you could express your feelings in a safe place, where a professional can help with the problem and you might be able to reach a compromise you both could live with.

I am sory I went on so long, please forgive me.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope everything works out for you.

Hurting in NC

January 3, 2005
4:38 am
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SweetAmanda
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I would listen to mamacinnamon.

If you think that you can live with this (It is not going to change, trust me) then go ahead and get married and be happy! I really hope it works out.

But continuing to bring it up, or stuffing down inside of yourself, nagging him, or trying to run away from a 'problem' that sometimes exists and then sometimes doesn't will only ruin things.

It will create many more problems. Compare it to a crack in a wall. Not a big deal, right? But once rain starts to trickle in there, and then comes the years of living (decay) the crack grows and branches out and becomes not just a crack anymore. Not just about drinking anymore.

There is nothing wrong with him wanting to drink.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be with someone who does not drink.

I really wish that you saw this back when. Maybe it would have helped? Maybe not. But by now so much feeling is involved that you feel it would be impossible to even think of leaving him over such a silly matter, right?

It’s not silly though.

(((Hugs)))

I do want things to work out for you. Prayers...

~Amanda~

January 3, 2005
11:33 am
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hurtingsobad
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THANKS EVERYONE FOR ALL THE ADVICE!
you all have been so helpful. this website is amazing, it has help me through so much!
thanks again
((((((((Kat))))))))

January 3, 2005
12:14 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like your fiance has a problem with alcohol if he drinks until he gets drunk even on New Year's Eve. I had 2 glasses of wine on New Year's eve, not everyone gets drunk. If he's a different person when he drinks he has a probelm with alcohol. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. He could be in the early stages. You are not being selfish to want him not to drink. This problem will only get worse when you are married. It doesn't sound like he will quit drinking for you. I would not marry him under these circumstances.

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