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Need erlationship and general advice
January 12, 2009
8:31 pm
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Daddymike59
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I am bi-polar and and a drug addict and an alcoholic.

What a mess. I'm fairly intelligent and in a relationship with a woman who also abused drugs and drank socially. She, however, has the intestinal fortitude to be able to pick it up or drop it as she pleases.

Should I "Set this woman free" and end the relationship or pursue my love and try to mend broken fences with her. Several months ago we were watching a football game together. We were drinking. Our 17 year old slightly learning disabled son was with us. I had only had 4 (honest to God) beers. I was using foul language towards the referees and she asked me not to do that in front of our son. I kept it up and she proceeded to pour my beer out. I got irate and rushed for the bottle. She hit me and I hit her back several times. I called the police, thinking that I was the victim because she hit me first. They came and told me that I had to leave the premises for the night or be taken to jail. The kind officer took me to an "engagement center" for drunks.(like an overnite drunk facility) They wouldn't take me because I blew .00% alcohol in their beathalizer. He then took me to a psych facility for emergency patients, but they wouldn't take me because I wasn't homicidal or suicidal. Finally, I called my sister and she came and got me.

My girlfriend let me come back home later the next evening and the next day I enrolled in an inpatient treatment facility for veterans.

I have been clean and sober now for 3 months but I'm afraid that the damage has been done.
I don't know what to do. I know that it's asking a lot of this lady but I truly love her and I want to make our relationship work. What can I do to win her back, or is it too late?

January 12, 2009
8:48 pm
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fantas
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Well, what you can do, you need to do it for yourself not to get her back, You need to get off the booze and stay off of it. Join AA and attend 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, do your steps, and know that if you want to stay sober, AA will have to be your new best friend for the rest of your life. If you aren't willing to do this, then you should let her go. At this point she is your enabler codependent and she needs to get on her own program, but you have no control over that. What do you take for the bipolar?

January 12, 2009
8:59 pm
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Daddymike59
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Thank you for your response.
I know that you are correct about A.A.
I've been checking out different websites that have been providing arguements that A.A. is a cult. I also know that that is the only way that I've been able to stay sober this long.

I take depakote, citalopram and trilofon(sp) for my B.P.

January 12, 2009
9:26 pm
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mezzo3
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Hey, DaddyMike59. I just want to say that 3 months sober is HUGE. It's something to celebrate and be proud of.

I think you should continue to focus on yourself. And I think ZoeBee gave you excellent advice about forgiving yourself and loving yourself - turn garbage into roses. EVERY person deserves understanding and love.

With your relationship, I think honesty is the best policy. Does she know how you feel? Have you thought about seeing a couples therapist?

Finally, see what kind of feedback you get from your sponsor and from others at meetings.

May you find healing and peace. May you be free.

January 13, 2009
2:45 am
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Daddymike59
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Thank You Both! So Much.

Zoebee said: "Forgiveness is your best road. Forgiving yourself. Forgiving her. Asking for forgiveness from your Higher Power & your love.."

I guess I have a real issue with forgiving myself. I really need to work on that.

Zoebee said: "Actions speak louder then words. Change speaks louder then words. You must get to the root of why you chose the path you took, and deal w/all the issues, so you'll never take that path again."

I don't know how to get to the root of why I chose that path but insecurity and other psychological issues are, I'm sure, at the bottom of it.

Thank you Zoebee for your insightful and encouraging words. I will look for a meeting and take your response to heart. If you have anymore "words of wisdom" please do share. Thank you also Mezzo3. I hope to find peace and healing someday...

January 13, 2009
12:23 pm
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fantas
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Congratulations on yet another day of sobriety ((((Daddymike)))). You say you don't know how to forgive yourself, I think you are well on your way, choosing sobriety is an act of compassion towards yourself, it's a real act of self-love, and I think the ultimate act of forgiveness. IMHO, the day you walked into the AA rooms you put down the whip you have been torturing yourself with and gave yourself a hug. As I heard it often said in the recovery rooms, "let us love you, until you can begin to love yourself". Now I think it should be said, "let us love you, until you realize just how much you love yourself"

Reading the big book, going to meetings, listening, sharing at meetings, helping out, getting a sponsor and working on the steps, will help you get to the bottom of the issues within you that have caused you to take this path. You may also add therapy to this if you can afford it. It isn't as mysterious or scary and dark as we have made it seem. We indulge in all sorts of addictions, to mask the wounds inflicted upon us as children, by our guardians, when we needed them to survive and therefore couldn't defend ourselves.

More power to you!!! and Here is another 24 to you!!!

January 13, 2009
12:35 pm
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newme66
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Daddymike59,

First I would like to congratulate you on your 3 months! That is remarkable and "keep coming". A.A. is NOT a cult. You are free to come and go, and make choices. I know several people with 6 months to 10, 20 even 30+ years of sobriety, thanks to A.A. You may also choose different ways of staying sober, it's your choice. Do what ever works! No matter what anyone says. Take what you need/want and leave what you don't need/want.

I am similar to your gf in many ways. I can party and put it down and not miss it. I used to call myself an addict by association. My story is very similar to yours.

I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict for 4.5 years. I would party with him when we first met but I could not keep up nor did I want to. It took a lot out of me physically and emotionally.

He continued to party and I have left him SEVERAL times due to his addictions, he has more......but I will not get into that. I don't want to judge him, me or anyone for that matter. I just want to tell you breifly my story and give you some insight šŸ™‚

We have been playing the back and forth game our entire relationship! When we break up he will get sober. Then I take him back, he relapes and this continues off an on for months at a time. This brings out the worst in me and my codie. I try to save him then I want to claw his eyes out! I have realized I can't save him, he has to save himself. He's still out there and I will not see him while active. I will only respond by txting.

This August I had to ended it. I could not take it anymore. He sends me txt messages a few times a week saying he wants to get sober. When I respond that I am willing to help, again the codie in me, he stops contact for a few days. I do not contact him, I only respond. I am now aggravated b/c it's been 5 months and he's still sending me messages. I have changed my number, but he is sucessful at getting my new one. I don't mind him having it, I just wish he could be serious. I know he's not happy but he's not hit his bottome yet.

If you really want "this miracle" then keep working on you. Get some therapy and start loving yourself, you will start loving her more too. I have no doubt that you love her. It's just not a healty love right now. You can make it healty by you being healthy, and she also needs to do some work. Therapy, Alanon and there are several self help books out there for her to read. Please be honest with yourself. Feel your feelings and emotions; deal with them and then gentley let them go. All is forgiven! It's okay to cry and to be sad. Get in touch with your higher power and ask him to work with your wounded self and your loving self. You will see and feel a shift in your life and your outlook on life.

I pray that someday my ex gets the "miracle" that you have! Keep up the good work and I PROMISE you, your life will be so worth living. You may have bumps in the road, but remember that's what makes us, US! It's all a learning exprience. You are a faboulous man and have so much to be proud of. I will pray that your gf gets the help that she needs to and I will pray for you too!

(((lots of hugs and prayers)))

January 13, 2009
12:41 pm
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Daddymike59
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Thank You, Fantas.

Yes, I've made it another day sober.
I really needed the positive reinforcement that you and the others have given me. It tells me that other people believe in the way of recovery and that IS the key to my being happy. Time will tell, I guess, if my love will forgive me but I think that the real peace lies within. Thank you so much. DM

January 13, 2009
12:44 pm
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newme66
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I should mention that I have been dedicated to working on myself since August.

I go to therapy, speak and pray with my higher power constantly. Research about healing the inner core/wounded self.

I no longer try to control him I just say that I am there and try to be positive. I am also living my life and do not focus on "what he's doing". When I did that I could not take care of me. Sometimes it's hard to let it go, but if I don't I will end up back where I was months ago. What I am trying to say is your gf also needs to heal from the past. Even though the past is gone without any help there will be resentments and that will ruin your relationship.

Focus on you, yes be selfish, and you will be amazed. I hope this helps, I will be more than happy to give more feedback, if you are interested. Keep posting - it will save your life šŸ™‚ You are loved!!!!

January 13, 2009
12:49 pm
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Daddymike59
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Wow, Newmee, thank you for sharing your experience. i now know that by forgiving and loving myself, I WILL be able to love and forgive.

My gf is going to alanon meetings and an occasional A.A. meeting with me. We both have an appointment for couples counselling on Jan 22 at the V.A. outpatient clinic where I live.

I see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My problem is that I want everything "NOW". I just have to be patient, I guess.

Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I will keep ypu in mine as well. DM

January 13, 2009
2:38 pm
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newme66
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You want everything "now" is part of the disease šŸ™‚ I went to A.A. for six months. For myself and my bf. I am in alanon and seek spiritual guidance (this has helped me more than anything).

If you focus on your sobriety and your well being you will make it. I know your gf loves you!!!!! Think of it this way; If you do the "right thing" the "right things will happen". It's a miracle and a wonderful gift that you have! I wish you the best in your journey. I wish your gf the best in hers. Keep working together and love eachother and NOTHING can seperate that.

I hope someday my ex seeks the help you are seeking. I can't help him and it breaks my heart ( I cry as I type this). I hate him for not wanting it but I love him for who he is and no one can change that. We just can't be together. That's okay I will continue to work on me and we'll see what my higher power has in store for me. I have learned to be patient (very hard to do) and I have so much to be greatful for today. I have my bad days, BUT most are good!

Keep the positive additude šŸ™‚

January 13, 2009
6:37 pm
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newme66
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ZB - great advice!

Daddymike:

May I suggest you a book for daily reading and insperation for both of you?

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beatty.

Great reading each morning with a cup of coffee and in time great discussion for you and your love šŸ™‚

You will get a lot of support here, if you feel down hop on one of us will be here for you!!!!!

January 13, 2009
7:21 pm
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_anonymous
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Daddy- Both of you need to work through your drug, alcohol, abuse issues first before you try to rebuild your relationship.

Unlessl both of you have Zero drugs, alcohol and abuse there will be no relationship to work on.

Clean and sober for 3 months is a major accomplishment but as you know you have to stay away from people, places and things that support your addictions.

The past is dead and gone, both of you have to bury it then drive a steak through it. Yesterday never comes. All we have to day is the present its a gift.
She let you come back. Actions speak louder than words and she has shown you that she loves you and it would be fitting if you show her how much you lover her in return.

January 13, 2009
10:06 pm
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newme66
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ZB and DS:

Love both your advise and wise words! You are both an insperation in healing.

I could not agree with you more about action speaking louder than works - DaddyM -your actions are showing self love and in return you can love others.

I agree the past is dead and both of you have to bury it, although difficult it can be done! Stay focused on your priorities and ZERO drugs/alcohol/drugs/resentments!

I am glad to be back posting šŸ™‚

January 14, 2009
9:16 am
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CAMER
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thanks for reminding me Zoe....i started reading The Language....then stopped, hmmmmmm, maybe its time to start again.....with that being said, I am going to start that book today!!

And Daddy, wishing you the best on your recovery, and yes it takes one day at a time........and I want everything not "now" but yesterday!!!
Patience is key, keep working the program, check out some AA meetings, get a sponsor and take it from there.

(((camer)))

January 14, 2009
11:19 am
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Daddymike59
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Yes, I have a very special support group here. Another day sober is upon me. You are right, D.S., the fact that she let me back into her life says a lot. I have to give her time as well as myself. Patience, Patience, Patience. I keep having to remind myself of that. One day at at Time. I am truly appreciative of the advice that I've received here. I need to focus on my sobriety NOW.

January 14, 2009
11:58 am
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yay for another day of sobriety for Daddymike59!! keep up the great work!!

January 14, 2009
2:36 pm
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_anonymous
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newme- Thank you for the compliment

January 14, 2009
2:38 pm
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Daddymike-You are sooo right. Just think about not picking up another drink again and being patient. And your good.

January 14, 2009
3:06 pm
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Daddymike59
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I'm sitting here, watching the snow fall. Started to revert back to old thinking by feeling sorry for myself, then I came back to these responses and it reminded me of what I have to do. I have so much to be thankful for! Yes, sister Z, I am a father, and a grandfather x4. My daughter kept my grandchildren away from me for 1 1/2 years due to my drug abuse and I haven't seen my grandson yet. I called her when I was inpatient at V.A. facility and we have talked several times since! She has even sent me pictures of the grandbabies. I have 2 daughters, one of which joined the Natl. Guard during the time that we didn't speak. I have spoken to her, as well, and both have told me that they Love me since!
I have a step-daughter in Fla. that treats me like I'm her own father. When we were there on vacation, last year, I stooped so low as to steal a bottle of percocet from her right after she had a c-section. She too has forgiven me. She sends me pictures of her 2 babies as well.
All of the people, in my life, that I truly love and care about have forgiven me for the unspeakable acts that I've committed. It seems to be a huge amount of pressure for me to not let them down.
I'm Scared. This is my FINAL chance to be a Friend, Father, Grandfather and Mate. A person that CAN be trusted. Shit, I don't know what that is like.
Until then, I'll just take things
One Day at at Time, I guess.

January 14, 2009
4:54 pm
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Daddymike59
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Scratch the "I guess" part. I KNOW.

January 14, 2009
7:03 pm
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newme66
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Daddy M - I have happy tears in my eyes. My dad was an alcoholic and died and active one. I was the only one who talked to him. I had to stop visiting b/c of his drinking. I made sure he seen his grandchildren and sent him pictures.

You have sooooooooooooooooo much love and trust. One day at a time, you got it. We are here for you.

If you start stinkin thinkin call on us šŸ™‚

January 14, 2009
7:07 pm
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newme66
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One more thing - what you have done in the past is the past. Feel the feelings then let it go. Your family forgives you, you need to forgive you. We all make mistakes and we become our own worst critics!

You have today, you are sober, you are alive, you have LOVE for yourself and others! Thank your higher power (even when things are going good, don't forget graditude) each and every day, minute and second. AND THANK YOURSELF. Hug yourself and give yourself a big pat on the back. You deserve it. I love reading your posts!

January 14, 2009
9:20 pm
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Daddymike59
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Thank you, Newme...When I read your responses to my posts, it reassures me that I am truly doing the right thing and that I need to continue doing the right thing not only for me but for my loved ones as well. I am learning a great deal from these posts. I just need to put into action what i am learning here. I know that I can do it. It's DEFINITELY scary, but I can do it, with help from God, my Family and friends like I have made here. Thank You ALL sooo much!

January 14, 2009
10:21 pm
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newme66
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Daddy M;

What you are doing is NOT easy. You will have moments of self doubt. It's the behavior you are used to. Being sober and being accepted (lovingly) is hard. You are not used to all of this. This is very normal.

One day at a time. Keep doing what you are doing. Take time to feel your feelings and ask your higher power to help you with these feeling. You will be answered! I pray for all addicts ( I dont like that word) active and in sobriety. Drugs and alcohol were your tools to not feel your feelings. You must be overwhelmed with feelings because your sober and your head is clear. Just ask for help and keep going to meetings. Most of these feelings are from childhood. Try not to dwell on your childhood, accept it. You/we can't change it. But we can only get better! I was addicted to love, drugs, alcohol you name it! I did not want to feel!

The stinkin thinkin will subside. Like everything it takes time:) I used to want everything NOW but after 6 months of working on me I am becoming more patient. Look at it this way the more we push time; the older we get šŸ™‚ The slower the time the longer our days and LIVES are. You will understand this when you start feeling better; it only gets better!

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