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Need advice/input please on recent break up
October 5, 2004
6:22 pm
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spirit71
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Hi everyone! This is only my second post, but I really could use some advice/words of encouragement/insight. About 2 hours ago I ended a 3 year relationship. This is completely different for me from any of my previous breakups. In the past, when a break up occurred, that was it. I had a concrete reason for ending it (or they ended it) and I didn't want any further contact. With this relationship, I care about him, but just don't see a future there (romantically anyway). I truly wish it could have been different, but after a couple of previous break ups with him and promises that were left unfulfilled, it doesn't seem like that is feasible. We are very similiar, yet very different....if that makes any sense. I am very driven to go after what I want in life and he seems to be content to stay where he is at (36 and living in an apartment above his parents). Anyway, now that I have finally ended it, of course I question my decision. I am 75% sure I made the right decision, but I am having these feelings such as no one else will ever stay with me, maybe I expect too much, etc (i.e. the codependent part of me). I guess what I am asking is "is what I am feeling normal...wondering if I did the right thing?" I am just not used to this indecisiveness about break ups. You are all such wonderful people and I would greatly appreciate your input.

P.S. I cant speak to my family about this because they are pretty set on the fact that we do not belong together.

Thanks, Spirit

October 5, 2004
6:30 pm
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Anonymous
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I think it is more than normal spirit to doubt your decision. The cycle of breaking up and getting back together is draining. Would you say your self-esteem has suffered since this relationship? Then yes no matter what you made the right decision. I ask because you said it was always concrete before, maybe you need to ask yourself why you are being insecure about your decision. For me it is because I don't trust my decisions anymmore, and am learning to trust my instincts and setting boundaries. Also, did your family ever knock your other relationships? If not and they do with this one, maybe there is a valid reason? My mother never said anything to me until I asked her honest opinion on my last relationship, she told me what I didn't want to hear. Because she did though, I came to more realizations about the reality of the relationship. Maybe it would help to talk to them again? Hope this helps,
magga

October 5, 2004
6:39 pm
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Molly
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You did the right thing, the thing that you did, your only choice, why second guess your self. As far as being demanding, if you aren't demanding for you , ugh??????????/ who else will? I love the line from a country western singer, Honey, if this is your dream, your not dreaming big enough. The truth is we get what we ask for, and hmmmmmmmm sucks to admit we were wrong especially to family, but perhaps they were right. Ask for the sun, the moon and stars, happiness, joy, mutal respect, and don't stop there. It is better to live alone than to live wanting. You can create a life for your self, that is complete, its just nice to have some one compliment it. If they don't then there is the door.
21 day detox.................. is called for. give your self 21 days no contact, what so ever, ignore e-mail, phone calls, visits, intrusions, be alone. Write how you feel at night, and in the morning. Make a schedule of things to do to keep busy, clean the closet, get nails done, take baths, listen to music, paint, garden, just keep busy on things that you love to do. Be strong for you. Fight the feeling, trust the instinct. Love your self enough to just say no, this is my life and I want better. Make it better, when one door closes, another opens

October 5, 2004
6:51 pm
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spirit71
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Maggalisa...thank you for the response. As far as the self-esteem issue goes, that's kind of complicated. I don't have any problems in the self-esteem departement EXCEPT for in the relationship department. I own my own home, have my own business, ...blah, blah, blah. It's very bizarre. I always think I won't be interesting enough or fun enough, etc, because I am very much a homebody. I love to read, cook, do yard work....stuff like that. I enjoy getting out and socializing every once in a while, but prefer my home life. I think I question my decision so much now because first of all I am 33 and seem to keep attracting the same type of relationships and wonder if I am expecting too much. And second of all, I still care about this person and don't hate him. I just see the differences that wouldn't make for a good future. Beyond that, this is the first guy that won't leave. (although everyone seems to say it is because he is lazy and wants what I have to offer) My family is pretty cool about the relationship stuff and usually do not give their input, but in this case, they have - numerous times! Thanks for listening!

P.S. I hope this is making sense. I am typing through tears!

October 5, 2004
6:58 pm
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spirit71
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Molly...Oh My Goodness! You are soooo right! Your lines " if you are not demanding for you...who else will be" and "it is better to live alone than live wanting" really struck a cord. I have been "living wanting" for a very long time. I am so glad I posted because just the input you and Maggalisa have given me have been irreplaceable. Thank you SOOOO much!

Sincerely, Spirit

October 5, 2004
7:03 pm
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Anonymous
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My first thoughts are never think you are expecting too much. I think we have alot in common, I have my own business myself and live independently, and love it! I have also become more of a homebody just because I am enjoying ME time, not doing everything for everyone else or else I feel worthless time. Also, you say you are attracting the same type of relationships? I posted earlier on another thread that I realize there was something sick in me that attracted a sick person like him (pyscho!!!) or else I would not have put up with so much nonsense. (He's trying to put on the I'm changing show but its a rerun). Maybe you really do need ME time, why do you think you are attracting the same type of relationship? The men change, but you are always a part of it right? I know my lack of self-esteem brought me into my mess in the first place. And I'm working on the rest:) Take some time and think about what YOU really want in a partner. Whats important to you?

October 5, 2004
7:06 pm
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Anonymous
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I wanted to add, you wrote you always think you won't be fun enough or interesting enough? I don't think so!!! I think you just need to work on your self-esteem, honestly. I can be the same way. But I also realized that when I am with my friends they aren't looking to be entertained, my company should be enough! I used to be extremely shy but I remember thinking ok I'll act like I have the best confidence in the world. I put on a bravado and I was shaking on the inside but I pretending I was acting in a role. That helps alot, I still do it when I'm nervous about meeting people, act confident, be confident:)

October 5, 2004
7:18 pm
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spirit71
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Thank you again Maggalisa! I also think we have a lot in common. What type of business do you have? I am a medical transcriptionist. I enjoy ME time as well, but haven't had much of that lately. Three months ago I moved 480 miles away from my family and everything I've known. I don't regret it at all, but it is a lot to take on at one time with trying to start up a business, moving to a new place, etc. Also, I COMPLETELY understand the "I'm changing rerun." Too bad we fall for it all too often, right? I don't know why I'm attracting the same type of relationship. My best guess is that I don't feel deserving. My dad drilled into my head from a very young age that you don't deserve anything you don't work for and basically instilled the thought that nothing should ever be "handed to you." I don't know. My thoughts are extremely jumbled right now. I am going to log off for now because my head is splitting from crying, but will be sure to check out the posts you mentioned. Hope you have a great night! Please check back tomorrow!

Thanks!!! Spirit

October 5, 2004
7:31 pm
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Anonymous
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Glad to know spirit, cry your heart out and get that release!! I run a management company for a two restaraunts. Talk about a stressful profession:/ Things are getting on the up and up though, its suffered because of all the personal BS, Mr. Jack is a co-owner so its been lovely going through this and having to touch base with him everyday even though I would like to find a way to throw him out to sea at times. The current re-run is going into overtime so I'm waiting for the commercials to start again, its just a matter of time. I love him as the re-run character but I'm not kidding myself anymore.

October 5, 2004
7:40 pm
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spirit71
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Maggalisa...what is the title of your previous post that you were referring to? I was just about to shut the laptop off after letting my dog out and realized that I don't know it. Thanks! Chat with you tomorrow!

Spirit

October 5, 2004
7:43 pm
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Anonymous
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Its either in I hate this, or maggalisa's update I think. Been busy with the posting lately, feels so good to let it out:)

October 5, 2004
7:54 pm
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CAMER
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hi Spirit71, you did do the right think, this is your instincts talking to you! go with your instincts, plus you have been with him for 3 years and nothing changed in the 3 years, so maybe it is time to move on. Please know, that you will again someday meet someone nice, and caring and more interested in the same goals and values and outlooks that you do have. Trust me, you will find someone.

I am similar to you, I am 39, own my own home, goal oriented, love my job,
and seem to get with men who are not
too motivated, arrrgg!! and I love to stay at home, I am a homebody, but enjoy doing stuff around the house, projects, working out in the yard. And trust me its hard to find
men who are motivated and like to do fun stuff....but they are out there.

Keep your social life active, and spend lots of time with you, keep reading coda books and someday your
knight in shining armour will come your way.

Keep posting!!!

hugs from Camer

October 6, 2004
8:31 am
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spirit71
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CAMER...thanks for taking the time to offer your words of encouragement. I have kept myself pretty much isolated for a while, so it is reassurring to know that there are others out there with the same interests, feelings, thoughts that I have. Thanks again!

Maggalisa...I haven't had time to read your posts yet. I just checked back in real quick this morning before I have to start work, but will check them out first thing this afternoon when I am done working!

Hope everyone has a great day and!!!!

Sincerely, Spirit

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