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need advice quickly
April 14, 2001
12:45 am
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bonita
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I hope someone can give me some quick advice. I haven't written in quite a long time. My situation is that my husband has developed a relationship--physical and emotional with another woman. He left the house about 1 1/2 months ago--the relationship has been going on for 3 months. We have been married for 8 years and have a 7 year old son. OK--at this point I miss him and the life I wanted to have with him and still love him very much. He now says that although he still loves her, he realizes that he would be happiest if I could take him back and forgive him. He says he is ready to cut off all communication with this girl. My instinctual thoughts are that I should not give him another chance if he still has feelings for this girl. Also, how would I know if I could trust him. I am very confused. It seems to me that he is going to have to prove himself to me. We are going to talk about this in a couple of days. This is the first time he has ever done this and we had a great relationship before this happened. Should I move on without him--I feel independent enough now that I would not be devastated--or take a risk in letting him back into my life? From my point of view, if he can be the man he needs to be I would love to be his wife again. Thanks for any advice!

April 14, 2001
1:21 am
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Ladeska
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Nope, don't do it. He says "he still loves her?????" Um, no, don't even think about taking this jerk back!!! What a crock that was! Honey, don't have any confusion - whatsoever. He's probably got something up his sleeve and it probably has to do with money. If you take him back and don't get a divorce - he doesn't have to pay anything until you guys bust up again. It's called adultery and if you take him back - you've messed everything up for yourself legally and I'm oh so sure - he knows that. Don't even fall for that one. He's a charmer and a con artist. Be very wary of this person. The minute you take him back - everything changes for you legally and every other way. You will set yourself back 20 paces. If he loved you - he would have never left you in the first place and now - he's saying he still loves her, but take me back???????????????? Don't be confused about this man. Get away from him and stay away. I can't tell you this more blatantly. He is soo full of himself. Time for you - not to be his pawn anymore. Go on with your life and forget this jerk. GRRRR!!! I HATE seeing women under this kind of spell!! Please open your eyes here - real, real wide and listen to that little voice inside you that says - No Way.

April 14, 2001
9:23 am
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bonita
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Thank you Ladeska--what you said is my gut instinct. It is reassuring to see someone else point this out to me. I know that I can be a stronger, better person for me and my son wihthout him. I woke up this morning thinking how wonderful it feels to not NEED him! I thank God for giving me the strength I need. 🙂

April 14, 2001
11:05 am
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Ladeska
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You go, girlfriend and back away from the man here!!! Your gut - is usually always right on target. Sharpen up that sense of yours and use it always. You don't always need to have a computer printout as to why, that will come in time. We have something very primal in us that we don't listen to much anymore, especially not in this society where we are so dysensitized not to listen to it. No...you don't need what he would bring into your life.

April 14, 2001
3:33 pm
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janes
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I agree with Ladeska.....don't take him back.

If he wants you and his child back in his life then it needs to be on YOUR terms and I'm sure those don't include extra women.

If he wants you back (truly) then he'll go to counsleig, leave her and any other FOR GOOD and treat you like an absoulute queen.

If not...you and your child are better off on your own.

Good luck

April 18, 2001
12:50 am
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Kimberly Anne
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Bonita,

I am very sorry to agree here, I am glad to hear that you can take care of yourself and go on without him, alot of women are finacanically dependent on their husbands, esp those who are stay at home moms.

I am happy to hear that you had moved on and away from him, anyone who can do that to you and say what he has to you, is not a sincere person and will only cause more heartache.

In the eight years you knew him, did you ever suspect he would do this to you? Where there any signs or anything you suspected that you now remember? Just wondering, its ok if you rather not discuss it-i do understand and I pray that you and your son will be happy in a new life that is not filled with lies and cruelty.

Peace and Blessings to you,
Kimberly Ann

Hey there Ladeska!

April 18, 2001
12:51 pm
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SANDI
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HI MY NAME IS SANDI IAM JUST ENTERING THE CONVERSATION WITH QUITE A BIT OF PROBLEM MYSELF MY BOYFRIEND OF 1 YEAR HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE HE WANT TO ARGUE EVERYDAY. HE NORMALLY ARGUES ABOUT STUPID PETTY STUFF. HE TRYS TO MAKE MY CHILDRENS FATHER A ISSUE, BUT HE IS NOT EVEN IN THE PICTURE. MY EX-HUSBAND WAS CALLING THERE AT VERY LATE TIMES, BUT I ADDRESSED THAT PROBLEM AND ALL MY BOYFRIEND TALKS ABOUT IS THAT I AM LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH MURDER. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?

April 18, 2001
4:11 pm
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Ladeska
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Sandi....it's called jealousy and low self esteem and it's "scapegoating" behavior....trying to make someone else wear his own insecurities. So, if it's this rotten after only one year....why...are you still in this? He's got issues. Isn't your problem. It's "his" problem.

April 19, 2001
6:06 pm
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bonita
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Thanks everyone for responding...I will write back later tonight.

May 26, 2001
12:39 am
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bonita
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uhhhh--sorry about the last posting. It's been over a month since I've even looked at this site. My husband and I are officially divorced. As expected, he still has feelings for the other woman--wants her and me. ahhaaaahhhaaaa! So I told him it's over. The End

June 1, 2001
1:48 pm
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Anonymous
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My mom is going through the same thing. Once a cheater always a cheater. You will never be able to trust him again. And you don't want your son to see you let your husband back home. You need to show your son that it is not alright to cheat. You need to show him right from wrong. Leaving your husband out of your house is the right thing to do, letting him back is the wrong thing to do. You still love him, it will be hard, but it will get better. Give it some time.

June 2, 2001
9:17 am
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cerry
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Hi,

If this is any help to anyone, trust your own inner self. You probably know the answer more so than anyone else here but from this point of view I have been there and it is not easy to make drastic decisions that can effect so many people around you including children but mostly ones self. I found once the trust has been broken it may or may never be the same to trust that person who had broken it in the first place. I too loved someone who had broken the trust that I once gave them. It was very hard for me to accept that this person I cared for so much would even do such as thing. If in doubt give youself all the time in the world to think things through. I know you love the person but it is the separation and what you once had that hurts. The first thing I did was take care of me...You may still have feelings for that person but in time the hurt lessens. You are in the drivers seat and I found it was better for me to not search for hope the relationship would get better but understanding, (not obsessing) why it went wrong in the first place. If you do decide to let the person back into your life then a couple of things you might want to consider such as counselling for the other party. Give your self time AWAY and NO contact (healing) so you can think open minded not with the heart. ???? Do you understand. Its hard no matter what. Take time for you, do for you and if your little (voice) inside says "I'm not sure", then don't. If any doubt, "Don't". Even if you did go back to the one who hurt you, (ask yourself this), could you really trust that person again? Really now? If they did it once, they could do it again. One thing my wise grandmother said to me, "Tie your heart to stone and go on..... and my father ... "Take your losses and run like hell". Good luck and he he, may the force/power be WITH YOU......Cerry

June 6, 2001
7:59 pm
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Molly
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What I still don't get is the women, that go out with married men, get the man, then wonder and worry about if they cheat?????? Like duh, when are we going to get it??????????

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