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Need advice on to continue counseling
January 15, 2005
9:06 am
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carbuff
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I need some advice from someone that has gone through this. My wife left me and the kids and I found out she had someone that lives out of town. She sees the kids and has them over her house and no guy has been there at least when they were there.
Through mutual friends I found out he broke it off. Then I found she was calling another guy in town that she says is just a friend. We are in counseling and see each other on a regular basis but have not had sex since she left 3 months ago. She says things on a regular basis to real me in and think we have a future together. I visited our counselor by myself and she basically said I need to leave her alone as she is obviously dating or otherwise. With having kids this is not easy and I have stopped calling her. The counselor also suggested we stop joint counseling for now to see if she may realize what she is doing. The counselor told me that she will find out what’s out there isn’t that great and what she had was. She told me I had to realize there would be many women that would love an honest caring and good looking guy like me and I need to have the confidence to know that. I have been told the same thing from many people but this is tearing my guts out in the process. Should I discontinue counseling with her?

January 15, 2005
10:06 am
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CAMER
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do you mean discontinuing the counseling with the therapist or with the wife??

Either way, it does sound like your wife "needs" to have someone around, considering this last guy just broke up with HER and now she is calling someone else. Shows alot about her character.

Keep going to counseling one on one with the therapist, and as for your wife, not knowing if she is honest about wanting to get back with you or not...the question is do you want to get back with her???

good luck.

January 15, 2005
12:04 pm
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carbuff
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I plan to continue counseling for awile by myself. We were also going togehter and the counceler felt as she was not being truthfull whats the point of her going. My wife is nice looking and just turned 40. She loves any attention she gets from men but prior to her leaving told me many times she was not interested which was a lie. I know she has allot of self esteme problems and even though she does not drink she has an alcoholic personality. Do I want her back? Not like she is and I do not know if she will change or see what she is loosing. Many people have told me to move on as I have took too much as it is. I have strong feeling about marriage and family that is hard to let go of and I hate when people cheat as it makes me sick to think someone would do that, but that's me.

January 21, 2005
9:41 am
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carbuff
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I am still going to counseling with my wife but there appears to be no improvement. The counselor told me not to call her and let her feel the separation, this was this week. During the last session I tried to let my wife discuss how it was going but she did not get it started. I then brought up we had discussed the fact I found out she was seeing someone before we separated and it lasted for at least a month or so after. She still says it was not an affair and she never really dated him and she felt it was over between us so why not date if someone paid attention to her. Well when she left she told me she has no feeling for anyone else and just needed time to see if she could get her feelings back for me. Then when I found out about him she lied until I had too many facts for her to keep lying. I am not sure where we are at this point as one day she will call me then nothing. She is traveling this week which is where the boyfriend is and she called me twice then last night she only talked to the kids and was too tired to talk to me and said we could talk this weekend. She also questioned me on why I was talking to her brother-in-law because she found it odd. Well I talked to her sister a few times as then went through a separation and got back together and her husband asked to talk to me last weekend so I did. He feels the two sisters are very much alike in that his wife left him for another guy and then when that did not work outthey got back together. I am still not sure why my wife was so concerned about me talking to him. In any event how much distance do I give her and if she calls me a few times should I then call her to balance it out? This is tough.

January 21, 2005
11:34 am
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CAMER
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hi Car:its so good that you have family and marriage values, and think its important, and I too can't see how people can cheat..its just not good.

If your wife chooses to call, thats good, and you cannot control how much she will do this, sounds kinda shady though when you mentioned she has to see if she could get back her feelings for you...to me she either should want things to work or not. She too may be afraid that the brother in law would tell you the truth, about what happened with her sister, straying with another man...maybe there is more to the story.

If you give her space that is good, but i'd make sure the space she gets is for thinking about "working" on the marriage, not straying.

It cannot hurt to call her back and talk things over, only she knows truely how she feels.

I am glad you still are keeping up with your morals and values on the relationship and I wish you the best, alot will just take time and hopefully she will cooperate on her feelings about you and not just try
to string you along.

Keep coming back ok! (((camer)))

January 22, 2005
8:23 am
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carbuff
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I spoke to my wife last night after she returned from her latest trip. When I call her she always sounds somewhat pissed or moody, anyway we talked about her trip and my day and she seamed to relax some on the phone so I asked if she thought about us while away. She said she did and did not know why I brought up some things in the last counseling session as she thought I did not want to go thought those things again (this was about me looking through her cell phone and seeing she calls this guy). I said I wanted the counselor to understand where we were as there is no way she can help us if she is in the dark. She did not say much and then I asked her if the counseling was helping and she said it did at first but the last few times she felt beat up after leaving. I said I felt the same at times and it is hard but that’s what it’s about, I think. I told her I wanted to take the next step in rebuilding our marriage and was not sure what that was but maybe going out some, etc. She did not comment either way and said she was not sure if she is committed to marriage or the idea of being married. She looks at our life together and feels she did not get what she wanted and feels disappointed. I know we could have done things different but of course you can not go back and change how you lived and I told her that. We can just look at our life and take the good and change the bad and I am committed to that and her.
The problem I have is I look at what we have accomplished and feel good but I do have regrets on some things and I think everyone has those (I should have could have). I mean we have a real nice home in the country with land that we built ourselves and two great kids together (that are with me). I make a great salary and she makes decent money too. We live in a nice area etc. and we started with nothing 15 years ago. I am 42 and she just turned 40 and if you looked at us most people thing she is 25 and I was told the other day from the women that runs my gym that I looked 30. I know she wanted to travel more and just do other things and because I worked alot and tried to farm on the side I worked too much. This is one of the things what I want to change. She feels becouse I have a stronger personality than she does she did not feel she could stand up for what she wanted. In any event, after 3 months of separation she is not moving towards me at all. I feel I am convenient to her and that is it. I know she was involved with another guy when she left and probably has seen other guys to. I could see other women but I have a strong belief in marriage and family and just feel we could really make it if she gave us a real chance. I think she will continue counseling but I am not sure how to move this forward and not have to revert to giving up. Any suggestions?

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