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Need Advice - I slept with my ex (who is my friend)
October 3, 2006
6:55 pm
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ShortCake
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Please offer any advice that may help. I am not the kind of girl who does things like this and that is why I need advice, my emotions and thoughts are running wild.

First, Last Tuesday I went over to my ex-bf (call him “R”) house and had a break down. I started crying and telling him how our friendship was hard on me. He held me while we talked, and after breaking down I tried sleeping with him. He turned me down, saying he had more respect for me and our friendship. Yes, I was embarrassed but grateful later on.

As for us being friends, that is something I struggle with… he is my best friend. Our relationship lasted only a few months, but our friendship is very strong. I know he cares about me; he just has lots of issues from a past relationship where his ex-gf of 5 years ran off with his best friend. In his past he has always been the guy who commits in relationships, but with me he gets so scared he runs from intimacy. From my studies of codependency I know this is something he needs to deal with and I can not control or change him. Therefore, I just try and accept we are friends and deal with each day as it comes. Who knows what or who my future holds.

On Saturday he decides it’s the weekend lets party. He calls me up and we head over to his friends house for a pre-party. His friend pulled me aside and told me things about my friend “R”… saying he was a player and for me to watch out… Then his friend grabbed my hips and pulled me up to him and was telling me how great and pretty I am… I pulled away and said, look this is your friend, he has been through so much and does not need another male friend coming after his girl or ex-gf. I told him I thought he was nice, however, my friendship with “R” is more important. I then left the room, went up to “R” and suggested we go. We left and while in the car on the way to our fav. hangout we talked about what happened. “R” got so mad at his friend. I explained it was not that big of a deal, and to not worry since I am not like that, however, “R” said it was a insult to say he was a player (Which he is not), he also said the fact that ALL his friends always come after the girl in his life (hence, the issues with his best friend and ex-gf). We then arrived at our fav. hangout. We had a lot of drinks and then went to the beach, we ended up acting like fools, dancing in the sand, jumping in the ocean while we tried to sober up. We finally ended up back at his house where we cuddled up on his bed and I thought we were going to sleep. Then he started acting all weird so I asked is there anything you need (I am referring to water or aspirin) and he grabbed my hand and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Afterwards we ate some food and he kissed me good night.

In the morning, we never talked about what happened. I tested his memory of the night before asking if he remembered this and that and he did. We went on with our day, and have talked three times on the phone since Sunday morning, BUT the topic of the lines we crossed never came up.

I have put a lot of thought into this and making a stupid move while drinking does not change anything between us. We acted dumb and drank too much, our choices were not thought through... However, I feel this sense of shame for not stopping him because he REALLY does not want to be with me sexually and I am not the friends with benefits type. Neither of us wants to disrespect the other and so much time has passed since the event. My biggest fear is he thinks I am trying to put pressure or manipulate him. He encourage the whole thing, however, he has clearly rejected me out of respect in the past. It was just a big mistake where no body said ‘STOP’.

Any advice on how I can deal with this or if I should say anything? Is this a topic that needs to be discussed between two friends who made a poor choice while drinking???

October 4, 2006
10:31 am
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mamacinnamon
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ShortCake:

I think yes it should be discussed. I think ya'll need to sit down and decide if this is goin to be a recurring event, if there are any feelings of rejection, Where your friendship will go from here.

Things left unsaid seem to hold a wedge between the best of friends in my opinion.

October 4, 2006
10:39 am
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lovetocrochet
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Yeah I definitely think a talk is in order. You guys got drunk and did something pretty serious that's leaving you both feeling embarrassed and awkward. His silence on the matter speaks for itself, he likely is feeling the same way you are about it.

But not talking about it isn't going to help anything. Even if he tries to shut the whole thing down upon you bringing it up you need to let him know that discussing it is important to you.

Part of respecting each other in any relationship is being able to face situations like this honestly. It sounds like you're willing to do that, the least he can do is meet you in the middle.

October 4, 2006
12:09 pm
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ShortCake
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mamacinnamon and lovetocrochet,

Thank you both. I am going to see him play bball tonight. I will try and find a nice way to bring up the topic. Maybe keep it as simple as...

You I respect you and our friendship and I know we crossed lines last weekend, but I don't want that one night of crazyness to come between our friendship....

Or something like that... Oye... I am going to need to find a way to think this through and come up with a simple one to two sentances... I just don't want to end up going in cicles about the WHOLE situation again, I am just want to address what happened and move on... Any advice?

October 4, 2006
12:16 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I think what you said is good. It's short, sweet, but it lets the lines of communication open up for further discussion if it's warranted. It also doesn't point any fingers or make anyone any more uncomfortable than you both already are.

Good job 🙂 Keep us posted.

October 4, 2006
3:33 pm
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HEY SHORTCAKE, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, MY XBF AND I DATED FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS TOO, HE WANTED TO BREAK IT OFF AND BE FRIENDS BECAUSE HE IS FRESH OUT OF A PAINFUL DIVORCE, HE AND I HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE REALLY GOOD FRIENDS BUT I STRUGGLE BECAUSE I STILL HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS FOR HIM, HOW DO YOU PUT THAT ASIDE?
I ADMIRE YOU FOR STILL HANGING OUT WITH HIM, THAT IS WHAT I WANT WITH MY XBF. DO YOU ASK HIM TO MOVIES OR ANYTHING? HOW DOES IT WORK?
MY XBF SENDS A TEXT HERE AND THERE AND WE EMAIL OFTEN, ONCE IN A WHILE THERE IS A PHONE CALL AND WE WENT TO A MOVIE BUT HE ASKED, I DONT WANT TO SCARE HIM AWAY BY ASKING HIM OUT AND HAVING HIM THINK I AM GETTING TOO CLOSE AGAIN.
AS FOR YOUR SITUATION, I THINK YOU TELLING HIM YOU BOTH CROSSED THE LINE IS PERFECT, IT LETS HIM KNOW THAT YOU WERE BOTH DOING IT NOT JUST HIM OR YOU.

October 4, 2006
5:27 pm
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ShortCake
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ellehcim,

I know exactly what you are going through. Here is the thing, I stuggle everyday and every hour with being ONLY his friend. I don't want to put pressure on him because I can't imagine how it would be to go through the stuff he has with his exgf (in your case his ex-wife). I keep telling myself if things are meant to be they will, otherwise, I am trying to learn to except him as a true friend only and not expect anything more (which is hard because my heart wants more).

As for our friendship. He calls me 70% of the time. I call or text him the other 30%. I try and make sure he puts more effot out since he is the one who wanted out of the 50 / 50 dating relationship. Its very hard and there is not much advice I can offer to lighten your pain. I am searching for the same answers. How do I stop the ache and want for more then just friendship.

I have been putting in effort to let him make the plans, but if I am bored I will call him or text him and say "Hey want to watch a movie or go hit balls on the golf course" Things we both enjoy, in a casual way. If your going to be friends you have all the right to ask him to hangout too. Keep in mind, the reason I want him pushing harder for this friendship is because at times I think our friendship is doomed because my feelings are SO INTENSE for him. However, he is the closest friend in my life and I don't want to loose him. I am just hoping time will heal this wound and maybe help us find our way back to each other... If that does not happen I hope time will heal my wound and help me find my lost prince...lol.

Keep your head up. If the friendship means that much give a chance, however, its going to be hard and take time. You will need to open a line of communication between you too. I guess that is what I am lacking, I don't even want to discuss what him and I did last weekend in fear it will bring up the endless circle of why we are not together... Oye!

Good Luck and Keep Posting! This site will help with all your fears and questions. I will keep a eye out for your posts. With us both going through the same thing, we have a lot we can share.

October 4, 2006
6:08 pm
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Thank you shortcake,
he is coming in for a job interview with my company tomorrow and i have been thinking about asking him if he wants to go golfing sometime because i have this 2 for one coupon. i am going to get my nerve up and ask him to come with me when he gets back from his hunting trip.
i know it is going to be painful but i also dont want to loose his friendship.
that to me is more inportant that loosing him all together.
i will keep looking for your posts too.
thanks again.

October 5, 2006
12:12 pm
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Hey Shortcake,
OMG, he is in the office right now interviewing with my boss, i am shaking for some dumb reason.
what is wrong with me????

how did your talk with your x go?

October 5, 2006
5:31 pm
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ShortCake
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ellehcim -

How are things going? Did you talk to your x? Did you ask him to go hangout?

I am thinking about you! Last night I went out with my x and we had a great time. He brought up Saturday night by asking me if I remembered everything that happened, I said yes and he said it was a crazy night. I agreed. Then we both smiled and it was enough for me to find peace! I never brought up full topic, but I felt at peace that it was just a crazy nutty thing that happened. I have decided as long as we don't do it again, I am going to let this time go... If things happen in the future, then I will definetly talk to him because we both know we are not the type to make choices like that... Sex makes me want more from him, and he just can't offer it... However, last night we had a blast, I ended up staying over at his house and we went to sleep ONLY! Then in the morning he was kinda snuggly and he held me in a kind way, nothing more... it was nice. However, I don't get my hopes up, he has a lot to sort through and its going to take a lot of time.

I do understand that nervous feeling you have when you see your x. I will tell you this, the more you hang as friends, the more that feeling will not occur. You will still have the ache in your heart and desire for more, however, the nervous feeling will go away. Nothing is wrong with you, you just have butterflies... like when you first new you wanted more with him. Time helps, but the ache and desire... I don't know what cures that... I am still trying to figure that one out.

On another note, a friend of mine is trying to set me up with her friend. I thought why not go on a date, its just date with a group of other couples, I am feeling sick at the though since I want "R" but on the other hand, he is not ready for anything. As for if I am ready to date, NOPE, but I guess it can't hurt to meet someone. I will just not move into anything, I am not ready for anything more then friends. I need to sort through my own emotions, and my heart still leans towards "R"...

Send a update, I am thinking of you more then you know.... I feel for you!

October 5, 2006
5:49 pm
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lovetocrochet
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I'm glad things worked out for you ShortCake. Sounds like you guys will be able to put this behind you and move forward. It must be a relief for it to have worked out like it did.

October 5, 2006
6:08 pm
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ShortCake
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lovetocrochet,

Thank you for your support. It was a simple smile and enough for me to find peace.

Thxs,
Shortcake

Thanks to everyone who has been posting and ellehcim I look forward to your update!

October 6, 2006
10:39 am
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My xbf did a great job in the interview, he might just get the job, he sent me a text asking if he could take me to dinner when he gets back from his hunting trip as a thank you for helping him out, I said that would be great, then I told him I was thinking about asking him if he wanted to go hit a bucket of balls sometime, he said that would be cool, I am pretty sure he doesn’t ever want to get back together and I have no idea why, we have never had a fight, we get along great, and when we talk on the phone we can talk forever, but if it isn’t there I cant force it, all I can do is be his friend, which after my divorce that is what I desperately needed.
Will time take the wanting away? I sure hope so.
I am glad you and “R” had a good time, I keep thinking about you and hoping things are going well for you. Are you going on the blind date? I think that sounds like fun, maybe that is what we need, to force ourselves out there and meet people, we can be friends with a lot of people, who says we have to be tied down to any one person right now?
Life is so confusing…..
Maybe if we stick together we can help each other through this, it is nice to be able to talk to someone who understands me.

October 6, 2006
4:39 pm
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ShortCake
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ellehcim,

I think trying to date might be good, however, my emotions are running wild with the thought and part of me feels bad for even thinking about going on a date. Its a group date with other people, nothing with pressure, so really its should be simple. Maybe the first step and trying to accept my life and friendship. Its hard though... "R" keeps giving my signals that he wants me to wait and give him some time to get his life together... yadda yadda, however, he choose for us to now be dating, therefore, I need to keep my options open.

Yes I agree if we stick together and keep posting our thoughts and emotions, we will both heal and support one another.

Have a awesome weekend.

October 9, 2006
11:06 am
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Hey Shortcake, how was your weekend?
Did you go on that group date?
I understand what you are talking about, I would feel strange going out on a date with someone else too, part of me wants to start dating again but there are 2 things holding me back, one is I would feel bad and the other is where do I meet someone? I am keeping my options open and would go out if I were to meet anyone but I would feel I am not giving the new guy a fair shot because I would be comparing him to “B” which is totally unfair to the new guy.
My friend set me up with this guy she works with but he ended up being pretty toxic, he was too clingy and strange, he told some pretty wild stories about his XW which makes me wonder if he is lying, he made her out to be this manipulative bitch which might be true but come on, he has to be at fault here too, the whole breakup couldn’t have been her fault.
I even went to the race track a couple of weeks ago and met this other guy who only wanted in my pants, these 2 guys didn’t help me not miss “B” they made me miss him more, its like I found the prefect guy, yes he has faults but the faults he has are things I can deal with, I trust him and I loved him for his faults.
I just hope when he gets back from his hunting trip I can keep my cool and be his friend.
talk to you soon
Elle..

October 9, 2006
12:12 pm
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ShortCake
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Hi ellehcim, I did not go on the group date. I chikened out... He is what happened. I went out Thursday night with a friend and got a call on my way home from "R" wanting to say hi and see if I was watching a certain TV show, I said know I was coming home, he said "OH I FORGOT YOUR OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND", I said no problem I would be home soon to see the end of the TV show him and I both like. What was funny, is he nevers calls to see if I am watching TV and he says he does not remember me going out with my friend, but he told me to have fun that morning with her... I kinda thought the call seemed like a "Check In" call... Which I don't mind. Then he new there was a chance I was going to go with some friends to work (this possible date, he did not know about the date, just a group of friends), well on Friday he sent me a text asking me to go to October Fest with him on Saturday. I thought about it and since I really did not want to do this date (for the same reason you have) I decided to go to October fest. Well he called me later Friday to see what and where I was, his reason for the call was to tell me what time we would meet up for October Fest. Again, I kinda felt like it was a 'Check In' call... Oh well... So on Saturday I went to the Octoberfest instead of the date. "R" and I had a blast, things went really good until he started talking about his fears of commitment and how he wants to be simple, but at the same time does not know why... This talk was making me upset since I have never understood the REAL reason for him and I breaking up. The REAL problems we had are unknown to me... So I said, look I had a great night and I don't want to talk about things that can't be resolved will you figure out what you want from life. I then cuddled up in the covers and went to sleep... YES ONLY SLEEP, WE DID NOTHING ELSE....

So that was my weekend. It was good, but at the sametime it still hard and it still hurts because I truly do want more....

Shortcake

October 9, 2006
12:33 pm
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I am sorry to hear that, he sounds like a very confusing man.
What a number his xgf must have done on him.
I guess all we can do is be their friends and hope one day they pull their heads out of their butts and realize what they have, hopefully it wont be too late.
My brother wants to set me up with this guy at his work, I actually said yes, but the guy is just out of a divorce so he said he isn’t ready yet, which is probably a good thing, I really don’t want to be someone’s rebound girl again.

October 9, 2006
4:27 pm
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ShortCake
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ellehcim,

"R" is very confused and in many ways he holds TONS of fears of what and how I am going to hurt him. Last weekend, he made some rude comments about me and his friend (the one who was flirting with me and how I told IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN), well "R" still thinks something could happen in the back of his head since he made some rude comments (he was drinking when he said these things). So I just stopped, looked him in the eyes and said, I am offended that you would even think I would go after one of your friends. I told him I am NOT that kind of girl and I would never do that to him. He then said sorry and let it go, but that just proves, he has a lot of healing to do from what his ex put him through... OYE...

I do have to say, I am not ready to date, but if the right guy came along, I would try... Right now I am trying to focus on myself and find my own inner strength... I am trying to figure out what I really want out of life and love... Maybe someday I will figure it out...

Keep me posted on how things are going for you. I hope your ex and mine open their eyes too before its to long. All we can do is wait and see what happens, we can not fix or help them with their fears, all we can do is be a friend and be supportive. Its tough and in many ways it hurts! In the end we have to do what is best for ourselves. I wish I had more answers....

Shortcake

October 10, 2006
10:31 am
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It looks like “B” is back in town, he sent me an email last night telling me he was back and waiting for a response from my boss about the job opening.
When I got in this morning and saw the email my heart sunk, and I don’t even know why.
Does this mean I have not accepted the friendship?
What is my problem?

October 10, 2006
11:45 am
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ShortCake
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ellehcim,

You don't have any problems, its just the friendship is going to take time.

I don't think I have accepted my friendship only... I know I have not... I want more, desire more, and crave more. I have not heard from "R" in a few days and I am all upset and emotionaly sad, this just proves I have have not accepted the friendship. I warned "R" I was afraid I would fall deeper and deeper into this friendship (Love Wise) and I am.... I don't know what to do either. This is why I can not date right now. I need to get my emotions in check and figure out what I want out of life. Him and I have a concert on Saturday and I am sure I will talk to him soon, but I am trying to give him lots and LOTS of space, give him the air he needs and the single life he craves. There is nothing I can do to change his feelings, all I can do is hope that time will heal my heart or that he will open his eyes to all I have to offer. I will never understand men wanting to run from a good women...

I know that feeling when you see a email and your heart goes thump! Its tough, glad to hear "B" is back. Let me know when you get things setup to go out and if he gets the job. I am thinking of you and wishing you luck and love.

Shortcake

October 10, 2006
12:12 pm
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Thank you for your support.
it is so strange to read your thoughts, it is exactly how i am feeling about "B" how can 2 people who dont even know eachother be going throu the same thing?

I know how hard it is to go a couple of days with out contact, i always get this chatter in my head saying, i should call him, no i should give him space, no we are friends so it is OK to call because he needs a friend right now so i should call him...

I am trying to get my life in order too, i have started reading a couple of self help books, in the past i thought those were dumb but i actually like them, i am reading one now called Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers, it is a pretty good book, when i read it i can feel my self esteem going up and the fear of facing this world alone with 3 kids is leaving me, the thing is i need to keep reading them to get stronger.

one of the chapters tells to write inspirational quotes and read them everyday, i am skeptical but i am going to try it, i might even post a thread about the positive quotes.

maybe it will help me to be a stronger friend to "B" or maybe it will help me to be strong enough to move on.

either way i am sure it cant hurt.

thanks Shortcake, keep in touch,
lots of love and understanding,
Elle.

October 10, 2006
3:53 pm
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my stomach is in knots right now, i feel like i am going to throw up.
why cant i quit thinking about him???
i think i am going to go for a walk so i can forget about crap for a while...

October 10, 2006
8:09 pm
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ShortCake
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Elle,

I have tears in my eyes at how much we can relate. Its amazing to find someone else who is going through the same thing... The questions that go through my head of every minute of everyday...

Should I start NO-Contact?

He is a good person how needs a friend, how can I be selfish, he cares about me....

What if he finds someone new? I can't deal with that... I guess that is when NO-Contact will really kickin...

Can I ever want ONLY Friendship from him?

Will he wake up and see what a mistake he is making by not giving "us" a real chance?

Why??? What Happened To Us... We were so happy???

Yes, so many thoughts and at times I feel like I am drowning. Somedays are easier, others are overwhelming.

Today has been overwhelming. I am feeling sick and alone. I am kind of a baby when I get sick, I even called my mom to tell her that her baby was ill...kinda funny huh?? Then I text "R" about how I was sick, he called me right away and made me feel better... However, its still hard. Its hard because I know I am a fool at times to wait for a man... I mean come on... Us women are strong and full of life, no man should ever take us down... and at times I just sit in the shadows and wait.

Your right, I also need to get a life and start focusing on myself. Maybe that will bring me out of this depression. I need to remember, there is so much more then just him and our friendship. The holidays are coming up and I want to enter them happy and care free, not sad and full or un-met desire... Lets stick together and keep posting. Your helping me find a inner strength too!

I admit I am not ready to date, I need to focus on myself and focus on my up coming holidays...

Self help books help. I have read Women Who Love To Much - This will be my third time reading it... I need the self booster... It took me a while to admit I attract the wrong men, mostly abusers... However, this time I found one that has so many great things to offer but is emotionally burned from his ex... UNAVAILABLE... I guess I have not lost my touch for finding myself in pain.

I know the feeling of not being able to breath, take a deep breath and focus on other things. You said you have three children... Focus on them and enjoy your everyday face to face family. Me I have a dog, I am going to head home to her right now and give her some love, my friendship with "R" has made me ignore her lately, thats not fair, she is my best friend and has been there for me longer then ANY relationship.

Thinking of you....

Love and best wishes,
Shortcake -

October 11, 2006
11:13 am
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OMG, that is exactly what i think, i have started No Contact a couple of times but i guess i am not strong enough to follow through, an email or text from him and it is over, he needs someone, he said i am the only friend he has who knows what he is going through, all of his other friends tell him Hey, lets go to the bar, that will make you feel better, when all he wants is someone to listen to him, someone to hang out and feel safe with.
reading your words is like looking into my head, i wish we could hang out or something, i bet we would be able to talk for hours.

I am going to have to get that book, i think it will be the next one i buy.

i took my kids out for ice cream last night, every tuesday night i take them out, just the 4 of us, it is nice since i moved in with my parents to be just us for a night, no phone, no TV, just us, they start out fighting but by the time we get home we are all laughing and having a great time.

I think instead of dating i will focus on the Upcoming holidays too, why add stress to an already stressful time of year?
i wont be able to give the guy my attention anyway, i have 3 kids who are being neglected by their father, they need me and if i date that will take time away from them.
I am also going to Alaska with my family this coming summer, i should focus on planing for the trip and saving money. i am so excited, i have never been on a cruse before, my 15 year old is so stinken excited, that is all he talks about, my 7 year old is hoping to see penguins when we go, LOL, i dont think there are any in Alaska but he talks about it anyway.
Wow, thinking about my trip took my mind off of "B" for a while.
funny thing is i sent him an email earlier this morning, he is nervous about the outcome of the job interview, i boosted his ego and told him he would be great for the job, if they hire someone else it is their loss.
why do i do that?
why is it so hard to accept it is over?
i am treating him like a friend but deep down i am dying inside, wishing he wanted me back, we had fun together, our kids liked eachother, our daughters were talking one day about how it would be cool if we got married because then they would be sisters.
i am going to go bang my head against the wall and try to convince myself i dont need him, i dont want him, he is only my friend, i can do better.

October 11, 2006
1:28 pm
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Elle,

I agree if we hung out we could talk for hours and share so many stories. I bet our stories would start to reflect each others...lol.

Your trip is a great way to focus on a new event. Reading and researching the trip can help. I just got back from Italy in July, however, it was hard because I thought of "R" the whole time I was there, we were at the fun begining stage of the relationship. Overall, I have waste a lot of time and energy on someone who can not give me what I want back. Again... WHY do we do this???

As for your ego booster email, that is what I would have done. Trying to make the man in my life feel great about himself. Its hard to not want them to be happy, but on the other hand why is that WE always go out of our way for them, but they only go out of their way for us when it easy and simple.... I guess that is where the book Women Who Love To Much comes in.... It shows a pattern of trying to always take care of your man more then he takes care of you. Thats a huge part of me and relationships. I go the extra mile always. I give until it hurts! Sounds like you are a giver too!!!

As for No Contact, yes maybe someday, but I am in the same boat. He does not have any other friends to just hang and share thoughts with... All his friends want to hit the bar too! They drink like fish and want to party all the time. Part of me says, let him party, drink, and have fun with his guys... Its gets old real quick... After a while the single life is no fun to anyone!!!

I hope your day is going well. Try not to beat yourself up!!! Well okay maybe I should use those words of wisdom too... Lets both try and remind ourselves of what great women we are and all we have to offer a relationship. Lets get through the holidays and if this pain keeps going down a endless road, we will then have to consider NO CONTACT... Until then, we have each other to vent and share our feelings with...

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