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Need advice for my brother
January 30, 2007
7:43 pm
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zoi
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Hi, This is new for me but I need some advice asap so if anyone can help, i'd really appreciate it. My mother is a reformed pethidine addict but still takes pain killers on a daily basis. She behaves like a child, constatntly needing attention,is abusive to everyone when not sleeping etc. this is how she's been for the last 32yers of my life. I am dealing with my issues however, she remarried when i was 12 after my father passed away 6 years prior and had a son, my half brother. He is turning 17 next month and i don't know how to help him. My mother is dependant on him and he feels guilty for the way she behaves. She used to blame me for her problems and since i've moved out, it's become about him. She becomes hysterical, demanding, just last night my husband and I were on the phone till 2:30am trying to calm my brother down, (and he was starting his first day back at school today, his final year)becasue as usual when things don't go her way, she was threatening to kill her self. She left the house around 10pm and didn't return till after mid night. She then started on him again saying she would cut her wrists because of him. She has done this our entire life and will not seek help. I have given up on her and am ok with that but i cannot sit back and watch my little brother go through this. I'm trying to convince him to move in with my husband and myself but he won't do it and I don't know why! It seems to be because they are co dependant. He was trying to tell me that it was all his fault that this happened yesterday because he didn't want to go soccer training and it upsets my mum. We tried to expalin that something that small does not get such an extrene reaction but no matter what i say i can't seem to convince him to leave that house. Can anyone please offer something ,anything i can tell him or ways to convince him that moving out of there is the right thing to do. I would really appreciate it.

January 31, 2007
1:57 am
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Randomwomen2
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Would he read a book if you offered it too him? There are lots of books about co depedancy. If this was how he was raised and she had said that its his fault all the time. Mostlikely he will believe it. Even when she doesnt say its his fault he would probably come up with reasons that it is. I am so sorry for the situation that your brother is in and you too. He has to realize that he is co dependant in order for him to fix it. I am so sorry that your mother has put you through all of that its just terrible.

January 31, 2007
2:49 am
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zoi
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Thank you for your advice and suggestion. Unfortunately, reading is not one of my brothers pastimes, if at all. He just passess his school years and fails many subjects, so he would never read a book, even if i asked him too.

I don't want to pressure him but i want this sorted before school becomes more intense, so at least he might have a chance in passing and feeling good about himself. For the last two days I've been asking him to move in and all he says is "no" and when i ask why all i get is "i don't know". It's becoming frustrating and i feel like i can't help him. I have an older sister but she takes my mothers side in all this. She's slightly more rational but wants him to stay at home because it helps my mum. No matter what i try to say, that's it's not about her. She's 60 years old, he's 17, he has his whole life ahead, he's more important, she says i don't understand because i don't have children of my own.
Thank you again for responding and your kind words. Even though i have friends and a caring husband, i still feel alone in all of this and it's been very nice reading your response, knowing that there are people out there who understand.

January 31, 2007
8:58 am
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hopeful for change
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Can you take him to an alanon meeting? Where he can hear storys of others put in similar situations. We tend to think since we don't take the drugs that it isnt' affecting us and it does.

He is lucky to have you, and I would leave the door open to him.

This sucks for him to have to deal with, and he probably feels responsible to take care of her thats what we co-dependents are raised to do.

It sucks. I wish you could get him to read that book.

Will he see a counselor?

January 31, 2007
9:01 am
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hopeful for change
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sorry, hit the button to soon.

What about an intervention with your mom, with your family or anyone who knows the situation and have specific things listed she can't deny.

Or a letter to her telling her what her actions has done to you and what its doing to your brother?

Sorry, just throwing things out there. Just don't give up.

prayers are with you. hopeful

PS at his age he probably lives on the computer, will he come to this site and talk?

January 31, 2007
10:35 am
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atalose
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zoi,

Is it possible for both of you to go together and talk with a therapist.
Somtimes schools offer counseling or may be able to recommend something for him and you. He may be more prone to attend if you are also willing to go.
He's been programmed by your mothers ill behavior and needs to be de-programmed so he is not acceping her problems as his own or shouldering the responsibility.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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