Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Need advice - daughter may be co-dependent
September 4, 2001
3:57 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I’m seeking help on how to handle a situtation involving my daughter who is 19 and, I believe co-dependent. She has been “seeing” this guy for 6 mos and is now 4 mos. preg. She is exhibiting the same symptoms I did 4 years ago when I was in counseling for co-dependency. She has total tunnel vision when it comes to Mike. He calls her at work every day but when the week-end comes and both of them are off, he doesn’t call and goes out with his buddys. She cries and hates him, and then SHE calls him Sunday afternoon and off she goes to see him (45 miles away). He always starts over with a clean slate. She totally forgives everything he does: he has slept with a friend of theirs; calls at 4:00 in the morning after an all night “shoot pool for coke” game; he can spend $400 in a weekend on his buddys but is always broke when she wants to do something and ends of paying for their time together - just so she can be with him. He claims he doesn’t do any drugs any more but does drink to get drunk on the weekends. I try to be supportive but one minute she wants me to accept Mike and the next she hates him and I’m consoling. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. I know how it feels to love someone so deeply that you sacrifice all for them. I need help on how to be supportive. Sorry this is soooo long.

September 4, 2001
4:53 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I thought I had the maternal nightmare, I am soooooooo sorry. This is hard, because lets face it, they learn everything from us that we don't want them to.
Ok, so she is real young, and I can only guess so is he, if not physical, emotionally. Sounds like a highway to hell for baby. Not exactly what your dreams were for her, but the thing is mom, its her life now.
I can only assume that she is living with you, since you mentioned you get to ride on her roller coaster. Trust me, nothing you say or do will be the right thing, this is going to be hard, since she gets some really hard lessons right now. To be pregnant, 19, banking on someone who is obviously not focused on fatherhood, or being a husband, still in lust land when he decides to show up, she can take to the bank, that the white picket fence, and regular child support, is out of the picture.
What is there for you to accept about him, he is cute????????????????
Drawing boundry lines with our wanna be grown up offspring, is cause for insanity, and I don't know if I could be as tuff and I am going to recommend, but she has made her choices. I would make it hard on her.
I would say this is it, your raising this baby, get your apt., and get your job, and figure it out just what you can count on from him, not ME. the emotional attachment to the baby with you if things stay the way they are,means you are going to be raising that baby for the next 18 years.
I would have a hard time with adoption, but it is an option, that if she can handle it, would God only knows possibly be the best option.
She needs a dose of reality, I am wondering if your the only one that can give it to her. She may think that she doesn't need it, but perhaps counseling together would help. Some one to give her besides you, a picture of what her life will look like over the next 5 years. My heart aches for all of you, this isn't the best of situations. Just say no to Mr. sperm donor, I doubt based on your description, if he contributes much more.

September 4, 2001
6:17 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly - She does live with me, and works in the same office I do. She was (is I hope) a very smart kid and when she met this guy things went down hill. She is working full-time and going to school at night and on the week-ends. She still wants to move forward but I know that if she were to move in with Mike (age 27 and living at home with his mom) she can kiss moving forward and a career good-bye. We usually get along great until the time she gets ready to go see Mike then I lose it. She has told him not to call her again and 2 weeks later he calls and all's okay. She is my only child. I know it is her life but it is verrrrry difficult for me to sit on the sidelines but there is where I'm gonna have to stay until she decides to make changes. It is nice to know someone understands and allows me to blow off steam and vent. Thanks.

September 5, 2001
12:18 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Reloe,

before i met my husband, i had a boyfriend exactly like this Mike guy. He was a lot older and still lived with his mom and had a string of crappy minimum wage jobs that he couldn't keep. The lsat straw for me was when he slept with my bestfriend and roommate.

the thing is that regardless of your concern, she has to learn for herself, and like too many people in this world, she has chosen to learn the hard way. That's life, unfortunately. I remember how concerned everyone who loved me was for me and the direction I had turned my life. I made even worse decisions, even though I didn't get pregnant I beceame a drug addict instead.

Sometimes you just have to mess up your life royally, and only when you're cleaning up the debris can you really figure out what the right thing to do is.

September 5, 2001
1:29 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I try to remain calm when she wants to include him on the dr.’s appointments and ultrasound, tells me of the “cute” things he says to her or anything about him in general. I told her I wished he would hurry and get his own place so she could move in with him. I don’t want her to move out but it is eating at my insides seeing her involvement with him. The real kicker to this whole thing is that his ex-gf just had a baby 2 weeks ago. He was so excited and going to be so involved but he was all talk. His ex wised up and realized he was blowing smoke and didn’t even tell him when the baby was born. My daughter gave him her car the week the baby was due to go see the baby. He ended up using it to stay out all night. Tell me this isn’t nuts. I keep praying that God will give me some guidance but patience has never been one of my virtues. This whole situation is making me a basket case.

September 5, 2001
1:56 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ya know you just have to make your emotional, financial, and physical plan. This is going to drive you insane, but only if you let it. She has it made right now, living with you, some one that she knows that she can count on, fall back on, yada yada yada. Money is always a good place to start the reality check. Have her add up rent, food, clothing, md costs, child care, and the old teen age most signifigant need, FUN. Work hours, housekeeping hours, and maternal hours. Ask her if he is treating his other child the way he is, how can she possibly conceive the notion, that things will be different for her. has she filed with the DA for child support, or scarcism, does she have to wait in line from all the other impregnated women?
it is so hard for her to get that the fantasy, is not going to be what she thinks it is. Can you get her to watch Jerry Springer? I am sorry, but some times you just have to laugh, go to the extreams, but most important, keep your self sane. Again, it would be one of the hardest situations in life to deal with, but you are still the parent, still with the opportunity to influence her choices, paint the most hellish picture of the possibility of her future, and get her to make a plan where she is not dependent on him, or you for that matter. Don't forget to laugh 🙂

September 5, 2001
2:50 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks. I believe she knows in her mind but her heart is telling her different. I'm sooo afraid she will hate me if I push too hard.

September 5, 2001
3:15 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ya know it won't be the first or last time, if you can't hate your mother, who can you hate? I had the best of relations with my girls, then they hit their 20's all of a sudden, not only was I stupid, I had ruined their lives over the last ten years, with no explanation. The wanted me in therapy, a straight jacket, and had read a couple of books, that certified me looney. I was on the pity pot for quite a while, dazed confused, and beginning to wonder about the straight jacket. I realized I had called the oldest on her accountability, ie, paying back money BORROWED, reminding them of responsibilities, and their door slammed tight. for one year, I walked on egg shells, spoke truth of my pain, confusion, and told them if they were so messed up by me to get help, which of course they never did. Buttttttttttt, just as suddenly as I became stupid, and mentally ill, I have some how gotten back into their good graces. go figure. I had talked to a few other mothers, as well as assistance from this site, that said, its a growth process, by the time they reach mid twenties, it balances out, with luck. Well the oldest is 23, has expanded some of her influences, and ole crazy mom here ain't so crazy, know what I mean.
Sometimes doing the parent role, does mess with the friend ship, but you need to take a stand on what you believe to be true, and the right thing for her. A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down. If she could have said I won't be your friend if you make me get this shot, she would have. Then what would you have done? Like I said its not easy, but if not you then who??????????????
Its your house, your rules, just because she is in this situation, there is no reason to enable poor choices, that can effect the both of you, that is why I wonder if perhaps counseling for the both of you together might not be a bad idea if you can get her in there, that way she can't do the mother deafness thing, she will hear so much more clearly from and out sider. Kids just work that way.

September 5, 2001
6:06 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for the shoulders. It is great to express my feelings without judgment. Glad I found this site. Every day is a new adventure.

Keep you posted and if you have any additional advice, please give.

September 5, 2001
7:30 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Reloe, ya know, I don't think there is much you can do at this time. She's pregnant, so that's done. If she sees all that he's done to her, to his ex, what he's taken from her, his whole nasty history, and she still defends him, I don't think this pregnancy is going to suddenly open her eyes. But, the thing is, once this baby is born, and yes, I do think Gramma will be the second most important person in baby's life, (if she doesn't opt for adoption) she's going to see how his immaturity and thoughtlessness really affects her and her child. That may just be the eye opener. I think you can try to explain to her what life is going to be like, but until she actually sees it, and feels the exhaustion and her maternal instincts kick in, she's not listening. You know, pregnancy can be such a "romantic" thing too, ya know, if only for the woman. It's like "ooh, we're pregnant and I'm so special, and he loves me, seeee?" She is probably still picturing bringing the baby home from the hospital and boyfriend is going to arrive with a bouquet and a marriage license and drive them to their home with a white picket fence. And mom, unfortunatly, you cannot head the pain off at the pass, been there, tried to, couldn't.
Absolutely, he's a Loser, capital L.
If she's smart like you say, just be there for her, support her, especially now, she'll need you to fall back on when he dances out of the way of responsibility and the lightbulb goes off in that overtired, too-young-for-this head of hers. She'll always love you....you are really her best friend....she won't forget it for long.

It sounds like the worse thing that could happen is if she really does start a life together with him, I can just see her writing on these threads about jerky boyfriend/father of her child, who won't grow up. If it were me, I think I'd be hoping he does stay away and not take an interest in the baby. No relationship with a parent is better than a half-a&^ one that is on again off again. Good luck, I feel badly for you, stay strong, just keep loving and supporting her.

September 6, 2001
11:07 am
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Last night before she went to school she told me that she prays every night that she will have the courage and strength to walk away from him. For some reason she believes she must tell him it is over and have it face to face but once she sees him she is butter. I truly believe she wants something better but she is scared of being alone. Her life has patterned after mine almost exactly and she is afraid if she doesn't stay with jerk she will always be alone.

September 6, 2001
1:17 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Reloe, you must convince her that being alone right now is the better of the two evils. It is hard enough to raise a child, but when you have a sperm donor in and out of the picture it wreaks havoc on everyone, and is the picture of a father image she wants for baby? In some ways she will have more controll if she closes the door on this guy, and just moves on. She can go to school, and move foreward, not as easy with baby, but better than with baby, and jerk!!!!
its not like he has deep pockets and she can count on much else?
She will have the time to get over the magicall attraction that we have with men, and become an authentic woman, one who will not learn to be dependent, or bend like grass in the wind to their every whim. Have her listen to Dr. Laura, she gets real nasty with these scenarios.

September 6, 2001
3:27 pm
Avatar
Reloe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

After talking with her during lunch, I believe she may be looking for ways to let go. I told her it was like quitting smoking, you have to resist the urge to call him one urge at a time. Any suggestions for her?

September 6, 2001
10:20 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

21 days, no communication what so ever, if she makes this period of time, she is half way home.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer