Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Need advice badly
May 4, 2007
10:58 am
Avatar
4harmony
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I posted a thread called "Separated and hurting" earlier that tells a lot more about my situation, but I'll sum it up here first. I have been separated from my wife of 9 years for about 4 months now (her choice). I am having a very rough time with it. It has been very back and forth. She started out saying she wanted to save sn't want to save the marriage. Now she says she doesn't want to be married anymore. She doesn't want to have to answer to a man, or worry about how he feels or what he needs. She says she doesn't want to have to "work" on a marriage. It should just be good on its own if it's meant to be. I have been working on my codependency issues in counselling (we went together about 4 times before she quit going). I feel like I am going crazy. We have good talks on instant messenger for a while, she will call me "honey" and "sweetie" and end conversations with emoticons for "hugs" and "kisses". Then I will ask about our marriage and she will get very upset and tell me she looks at me as a "crazy person" because I am obsessed with her and our marriage. I don't know what to do. Should I institute a "no contact", even though I feel it would kill me? I went out on a date with a very sweet lady, but I couldn't stop thinking about my wife. Even still, this lady has contacted me and wants to keep dating. I don't know what to do about that either. Please help!

May 4, 2007
11:10 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

first of all, don't date until you resolve these issues...you will only hurt yourself and the persons you involve....until your head and heart are in a good place, dating is only going to make things complicated.

second, as for your wife...I think you need to stop reading into her emoticons and such.

she probably DOES love you very much...after nine years, it's hard not to.

But that doesn't mean it can work out between you.

Obviously you have needs she can't meet. And she has told you she doesn't want to try.

That doesn't mean YOU are unloveable or unworthy...it simply means she doesn't want to do the same amount of work and effort that you are willing to do.

Does that mean she doesn't love you the same? No.

It simply means she loves you the best she can, but it's simply not enough...nor will it ever be.

Should you have no contact?

The only person that can answer it is you.

Can you accept her friendship without expectations? Probably not...not if you will continue to search for affirmation that she wants to fix things...or try to convince her to try....or make her feel bad for not wanting to try...if her lack of desire to fix things hurts too bad.

I think it may be wise...cuz you may be allowing her to have her cake and eat it too...but at the same time, cutting her off in hopes that she "wises up" and comes back is the wrong reason to do no contact as well.

No contact should only be used to help you heal...to let go of the pain, the confusion, and focus on your recovery.

No contact should not be done with fanfare and big announcements...it should be done peacefully...like ending a game of tug of war...drop your end of the rope and walk away.

If you stay in contact, chances are, you will hang onto hope of reconciling, long after the chance dies.

I wish you peace with your decision...it's not an easy one...keep going to therapy...look for coda meetings in your area (www.coda.org).

May 4, 2007
12:00 pm
Avatar
4harmony
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I think you are right about the dating. My head and heart are definitely not in a good place right now. I don't want to hurt anyone or confuse myself even more than I am. I also agree with you on not reading too much into the emoticons. I guess the truth is that I shouldn't read too much into anything she says at this time, because she is very confused and doesn't know what she wants. So, are you saying this can't work? Or are you saying that my expectations would have to change for it to work?

May 4, 2007
2:53 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

From my point of view she seems to be telling you that she is tired of taking care of you. She seems to be turned off right now and contacts you because being with you is something she is used to and she might feel guilty. She has told you all about what she wants which isnt a marriage with you. If you keep in contact with her the message that you are giving her is that it is all right for her to treat you in a manner that you find hurtful. If you just ignore her it will give her time to think about if she REALLY wants to end things with you. Give her time to think and let her decide if she wants contact again. If she wants contact let her know that you dont want to communicate with her unless it is about straightening the marriage out if she says she does then tell her great and move forward with some plans if she says no then give her the dial tone and dont respond to her again.

May 9, 2007
2:40 pm
Avatar
4harmony
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar, I think you are right that she is tired of taking care of me. She says she sees me as "crazy" and "weak". This of course hurts very much. In the past, she has had a problem with me saying "I love you" too much, and wanting affection too much. My mother said "I love you" all the time, so I guess I learned this from her. I have not been able to tell I want "no contact", mainly because I haven't had the strength or courage to do this. It seems I am addicted to her. I feel like something is really wrong with me. I have seen people go through separation and divorce, and they didn't seem to have anywhere close to the trouble or pain that I have. I just want to stop the pain.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111121
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38715
Posts: 714567
Newest Members:
lovingLaa, zokgassi, Wilthe, Marek, ssdchemical33, jack1palmer
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information