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Need a shoulder and someone to talk to
April 22, 2007
12:07 am
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lucyloo
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September 27, 2010
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This is my first time on here.

Here's my story. I dated a guy for nearly 17 years (never got married, think I was scared) and lived with him in a house we bought together for nearly 11 years. I made friends with a guy I worked with and we talked and talked and laughed on the phone for months. He was married and had a baby in July. In November that year I met him in Chicago on business and of course, one thing led to another and there we both were - having an affair.

Then the story goes.. my 17 year relationship found out when he saw a text message and I left and moved in with my sister. Meanwhile, affair guy and I were meeting in cities all over the country. I got my own place and eventually affair guy left his home in April of the following year and filed for divorce.

Now let me just say, this was not me to have an affair. I was always honest, trusting and loyal and these are values I feel very strongly about. So what made me do it? I'm still not sure.

For the next year a half I went back and forth with my ex 17'er and the affair guy. It was insane. I didn't know what I wanted. The ex 17'er was willing to forgive me and he cleaned himself up (he was an alcoholic and not a very happy person) I do believe that was I saw in my affair guy was a happy person. The kind I wanted to be.

Finally, my company was being sold and affair guy took a job in another state (leaving his ex and child). I moved to the state to be with him. And it was very rocky to start with. Looking back I should not have lived with him right away but I did and for the first few months I was a really nasty person to live with. Why? Because I had so much guilt for leaving my family and my ex. I realize now that what I was doing was being everyone's caretaker back at home, but reality was I was never taking care of myself and I also know see clearly that I can't change people and make them be what I wanted them to be.

Anyway, after four months of living with affair guy, he went and had an affair (sex) with a woman he worked with. I didn't find this out until about 9 months later and when I did find out, I changed the locks and left his things outside.

It's been six months since then and he and I have been back and forth. I realize how co-dependent this behavior has been on both sides. I actually went a full month with no contact but then he just sucked me back in.

I am back to day one of no contact with him again. I just really have finally started to see what a mess his life is and his patterns. He is a pathological liar and cannot stop. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have stalked him - read his phone bill and know that he has been talking to and seeing other women but he just continues to lie.

Why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like I still love him? Why didn't I see what he was to begin with?

My god, he left his 2 year old child and has spent every penny he's made over the last nearly two years flying back and forth to see his child. He and his ex cannot agree on anything and are constantly at battle. Why was this not a HUGE red flag for me?

And now, he is overwhelmed by the guilt of leaving his child and he's stuck here in a job he hates, fighting with his ex, sees his child briefly every two weeks, has no $$ left in the bank after spending it all on lawyers, PI's to try to nail his ex and on all his flights back and forth. Why didn't I see what a mess he was before?

Why are we so blind sometimes? I am going through waves of disgust with myself for staying as long as I did with him.

Why does it all hurt so much and consume us like it does? How do I break this co dependency? I have great days where I wake up and feel like I can and then I have a day like today where I can't seem to do anything but obsess about this and him.

I know I have a long road ahead of me. I am glad to have this place to come to and talk.

Any advice? Does anyone know how to make it all go away faster?

April 22, 2007
12:29 am
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fantas
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September 29, 2010
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Lucyloo, boy have you come to the right place? Welcome! Well, there are no quick fixes. So if you are ready to do the work, buckle up it's gonna be a long ride kiddo! Let me say that I feel for the place you are. It's a good place because you are finally beginning to look at yourself and ask questions of yourself. For starters, find a meeting place for codependency anonymous. They are really helpful, they will listen to you without judgement, and they have lived it. All I can say to you right now is not to be so harsh with yourself, to accept yourself for where you are, forgive yourself for the choices you have made. I know that the noise in your head is so loud right now and your world is simply whirling out of control, but as you work on yourself you will see that your history will explain your present situation. For today, say the serenity prayer as many times as you possibly can, it seemed to help me. Make it through the night and wake up tomorrow and be grateful for making it thus far. find a CoDa meeting and go to it, Come to this site and read as may threads as you can.Basically try to manage the anxiety of wanting to text, snoop, call, and obsess. Consider it relationship detox, it wont be easy but it will be necessary. Consider visiting a counsellor really soon. If I were you I'd distance myself as much as possible from either men. I wish you all the best. Sending you hugs!

April 22, 2007
12:35 am
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lucyloo
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September 27, 2010
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Fantas-
Thank you for the response and the hugs. I know what I need to do. In fact, I've known it for some time now but as it seems everyone here knows, it just feels so hard right now.
I am going to find a CoDa meeting and am seeking therapy on Monday morning.
You're right, there is so much that is so loud in my head right now - it's so hard to focus.
I just bought the 'Secret' DVD today. I've seen it once, but need to watch it again and do POSITIVE HEALTHY things!
Thank you, thank you.

April 22, 2007
10:01 am
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thewall
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September 30, 2010
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There is a really good book called "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair Proof your marriage".

I know that doesnt help you now but it gives really good basic guidelines to live by when you are in a relationship so it will be helpful when you are in other relationships.

You were obviously unhappy in your marriage and anytime you are unhappy in a relationship its real easy to find a "friend" to confide in. Basic rule is never have a male friend to confide in when you are in a relationship bc it sets you up for an affair. You are only human.

If I am on a diet and you put me in a chocolate factory and tell me not to taste, sample or eat ANY chocolate, and I sit there starving and miserable, and getting weaker by the hour, I promise you I'm gonna cheat and eat some chocolate. I'm only human. Same goes for relationships. When you are married,or in a committed relationship dont have a guy friend that you spend any alone time with. Dont call him, dont meet with him, dont txt him or IM him.
The lesson here is this: Dont Put Yourself In Those Situations ....why?? B/C YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN.

There are no easy answers for your pain now. Pick up the pieces one piece at a time and get your life back in order. Its going to be a process.

I also encourage you to seek therapy to examine possibilities as to why you had the affair. If you dont do this, then you will find yourself in another relationship cheating again..in time.

One last thought, if he cheated to be with you, I can promise he will cheat on you too. Its only a matter of time. Use that as a rule of thumb for next time to hopefully guard yourself from more pain.

April 22, 2007
12:14 pm
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lucyloo
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Wall-
He did actually cheat and lied and lied and lied. Boy when you wake up and see someone for who they really are you do start to feel better.

It's just so sad when you think you love someone and think you know who they are inside. But looking back, all he was doing was preying on my weaknesses. He wanted to 'rescue' me and told me that I rescued him. All the promises that never materialize....

I am going to seek therapy because I don't want to ever get caught in this trap again. And I know it is going to take strength.

Thanks for the advice on the book

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