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Need a reality check
October 18, 1999
10:13 pm
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everblue
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Hi Everyone,

This is kind of a selfish thread, so I apologize in advance. I'm just on a self-pity kick lately - still not quite over my guy who disappeared without a reason, note or phone call over a year ago... Sometimes I feel like my hurt and inability to understand why someone could change like that is just so overwhelming. I honestly find myself thinking that I must be hurting more than other people who lose - or else how could everyone be walking around functioning? How can anyone ever find love again after losing the perfect love? Of course rationally, I know that this doesn't make any sense. Of course there are people out there hurting more than me, who have less understanding of why someone hurt them. Does anyone else out there have experience with a loved one suddenly changing so drastically and completely as to drop out of their life with no explanation? Does anyone have theories about why people change? I'm actually much better these days, thanks in great part to reading all the caring threads and messages here. I've gotten past my closure problem and my depression is much, much better (dare I say beaten, at least for now??)...but I'm still struggling to understand something that appears to be incomprehensible. That drags me back down from time to time...it's the only thing in my life that I just can't fit any kind of reason to... Well enough babbling - I just wanted to see if there's anyone else out there struggling to understand why people change, or anyone who has figured it all out. Thanks for "listening." 🙂

-Everblue

October 18, 1999
10:18 pm
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Anonymous
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The "loss" that you have experienced with your past relationship just echoes greatly the true loss you feel within, lack of self love. blessings. Read the "What is love thread" and the "codependents group"

October 18, 1999
10:40 pm
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VRJ
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Also read 'He's Scared, She's Scared' It's about people afraid of commitment. I'm not sure about your situation but the sudden leaving (Houdini Act) with no explanation is common in this, and leaving when things are good is also common. Confusing, yes, but it is explained in the book.

October 18, 1999
10:55 pm
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everblue
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tears,

Thanks but I think that assessment is a little off. I don't have any self-esteem or self love problems, by my own and my counselor's agreement. The relationship I lost was not codependent, but very healthy by anything I knew...although apparantly he disagreed. But my life was very independent from his (the last 2 years were mainly long-distance), I am fine on my own. I guess what I'm saying is that I've read the codependent group threads and none of it really applies to me. (I contributed to the "what is love thread"). Anyway, my question still stands. What I'm looking for is not something to fill a sense of loss (which I know has dulled already and will continue to diminish), but rather an idea of why that loss occurred in the first place. Maybe I'm looking for an explanation that just doesn't exist.

October 18, 1999
11:05 pm
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everblue
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oops, I got those threads confused...I didn't contribue to "what is love," but again, I don't think it fits my situation. Anyway, thanks VRJ for the suggestion.

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