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Need a little "pep" talk
October 7, 2005
10:21 am
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hoping_2_feel_again
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I have a difficult time with relationships. I am basically very shy with men. If there is someone I am attracted to in any way, I just can't think of anything to say.

Sooo... My therapist has suggested that I just be friends with guys I meet. (I don't meet many being a school teacher)

I have just joined a small group through my church. There are 10 adults approximately my age (40+ish) in the group. 4 guys. There is one guy that I know a little bit and I am very attracted to him. How can I just get to know him as a friend? I just don't know what to talk about and when another girl from the group comes to talk, I tend to walk away. I have such low self-confidence, that I think " why would he even like me when there is a slim, blonde around" I am 5'10, brunette and although not fat, I could lose a few pounds in the rear.

Come on you guys, please give me some advice. I want to get to know this guy, be friends, just get to know him. How can I do this? How can I have a little bit of self confidence and be able to have an intelligent conversation when all my thoughts just fly out of my head and I can't think of anything to say.

Hoping_2_feel_again

October 7, 2005
10:28 am
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exoticflower
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Well, I was like that for a time when at 18 I found myself (no kidding) for the first time since childhood single and living alone. Eventually I just started talking to the GIRL and it being a group conversation. It gave me time to find my footing, helped me know the girl instead of retreat from her in intimidation. Just a couple of thoughts...good luck!

October 7, 2005
10:38 am
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hoping_2_feel_again
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Thanks, EF. That does make sense.

October 7, 2005
4:48 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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Well, I am getting ready to go to tonight's get together. I am trying to build myself up and realize I do have a lot to offer to a conversation. I can do it. I can be myself and not worry what others think of me. I can "pep" myself up since no one else wants to bother. No one here really knows me so how could I have thought someone would say the things I need to hear to help build my confidence.

October 7, 2005
4:55 pm
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exoticflower
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h2f, I can be such a dolt sometimes! I happen to know for a fact from your posts how smart and sensitive and kind you are...i'm so sorry I didn't think to add that in there. SOOO sorry! That was thoughtless, you clearly said you wher having trouble honing in on your good points and I just blew right past it...tsk tsk, exotic...

October 7, 2005
4:57 pm
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exoticflower
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and you are SMART, that is a major one...a smart girl is a good ting, and a smart friend is twice as special...remember to watch and see that THEY are smart and sweet enough for you too!

October 7, 2005
5:04 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi Hope.

I think the first thing I would do is look at him as only a friend. FIRST friends--then whatever comes after that, so be it. Expect nothing--and hopefully, he will be good at picking up the ball after you begin the conversation.

You are so gifted at carrying on conversations with us. I have always found you to be a very warm, caring person. I am SURE that you are that way in person.

I have been reading tons and tons of books on dating and meeting men. All of the books I have read repeat this over and over: it is not the looks or figure of a woman that men find most appealing. It is the air of confidence that she carries with her. You hold your head high, and think of yourself as the Queen of Sheba. There is nothing haughty or stuck up about it, it is that you genuinely believe in yourself.

When you approach him--or anyone for that matter, think of something that you have done in your life that you are proud of. It could be that perfect apple pie that you baked for a coworker; it could be that extra 25 dollars you saved by clipping coupons--it could be remembering that everyday you share your gift as a teacher with the futures of our world! It doesn't matter--what matters is that you own it! Smile big, and go have fun...

Love to you, 2b

October 7, 2005
5:44 pm
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nevergivingup
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h2f,

your job puts you in front of people as a communicator so you've got the skills professionally and you're good at it or you wouldn't keep the job.

sometimes we do feel as if we are not entitled to share time with a guy because it's been hard in the past or whatever situations in life guided us to feel that way and we accepted that script.

we are adults into our years (i am, you too) and we just think we've got so much figured out that we should be able to meet and talk to a guy we're interested in but we're not able to.

we've got to look at our lifestyle and find ways to incorporate opportunities to make small talk with people outside of work or family or our close friends. i mean interacting with people in the market, pharmacy, post, bank, bus, train, anywhere. stand outside when neighbors are there and greet them. start then with the weather, weekend plans, work tidbit, funny stuff, ask questions about holiday plans, garden, current events, books, celebrity gossip, clothes, tv, music, advice on cars, where to get a good mechanic, how to fix something, gas prices, trips taken or planned, dreams, passions, collecting, antiquing, food. whatever you do mention it and then see responses. ask questions and offer impressions, opinions. take it from there. they'll respond on something and that will start a go round. animals and children are always icebreakers, compliments (hopefully true ones), jokes, retelling funny situations, there's a bunch.

if you're a teacher a lot of the techniques you use to get a discussion going or things you initiate to keep their eyelids opened also work here.

you've got to start somewhere. you're no different from anyone else when it comes to being human. that means the great things and the foibles.

church get togethers always include food in my neck of the woods. offer to get a coffee for or with him. comment on the best or worst casserole or dessert. tell the guy your best one, ask his, then say you're planning on making and bringing one to the next get together and add, "I'll use tender loving care on it so you'll enjoy it." Make it a joke, he's not your sweetheart . . . yet. This way you'll share something now and then you'll have something to carry over for the future. It'll be special. The guy'll get some idea. Don't laud it over too much though, just enough to know there's a friendship in the making to be continued next time.

at church service greet him, go to the hospitality coffee after service if there is one and make it your goal to talk to at least two people even if it's to mention the coffee or the weather. if there isn't a coffee moment at your church then talk about it in the group you're in tonight and suggest that your group be in charge of starting one for the whole congregation. get the guy to help set up, volunteer something to do. you'll be developing an activity to share with others in the planning, setting up and cleaning up, preparing, etc. you'll be interacting with not just him but with others.

it's hard to meet men. i haven't had success and i'm kind of slow in doing it too.

listen, people do care. i hope you meet success and i hope you meet the love of your life someday. in the meantime be happy you're acknowledging where you need to focus on yourself to get what you want. i know i need help with that. hope this helps a little. you've got the skills. now develop them in this other area of your life.

October 7, 2005
5:51 pm
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shyshy
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First of all I would suggest taking the focus off of him and putting it on you.

Forget that your even attracted to him and talk about whatever comes to mind.

For example. I was at the cafeteria at my job recently and noticed this really hot guy.

After we both paid for our food I ran into him again at the area where you get your plastic wear. I was thinking "damn, the plastic wear is labled but they never put them where they belong" So, I just blurted out what I was thinking and got a friendly remark from him back.

Men tend to gravitate toward women that are comfortable in their own skin.

October 7, 2005
9:22 pm
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human drama
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by now you are probally already at the get together! For some reason or other when I read your post going to the drug store came into my mind.
Then I went down the line of replys and noticed that was mentioned!
I often meet and get talking with other patrons at the drug store or when walking the dog.
But you have got your mind set on one particular individual. lucky him!
I strongly beleive in the power of thought. Posative thinking and mind over matter so to speak!
With that in mind why not use post its to describe your desire with little notes to yourself indicating that you are ready to feel again. hang them here and there around your house. If the mind is similar to a computer then you can program your intentions and expect results!
Good luck!
HD

October 7, 2005
10:01 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Hoping,

You've got lots of bright ideas from all the posters here. And I can add to this do not worry! We are all shy at the beginning.

I used to go to church at which at the beginning I was so nervous. They had coffee break after the service to which I used to attend. Though I am reserved, however I would start simply either smiling to people or return their smile. Unnforunately, I stopped going to that church, even tho I attended Bible study at it. I did not feel that it fulfilled my spiritual needs. In my area where I live it is hard to find a good church.

I hope your church is good one. I also would like to warn you to be careful that not every one you meet their will necessarily be holy or highly spiritual. Churches are filled with people from all walks of life & I honestly met even jerks, fake, phoney, and even evil people from both sexes at church. Just coz you met fellow there does not qualify him/her to be perfect or excellent or potential partner. So, be very prudent!!!

I also agree with others, look in all places and do not put all your eggs in one basket. Mr. Right could be found in public library, grocery store, drugstore, among your neighbors, at work, in the street...just be friendly, approachable, but do not get involved too quickly. Finding Mr. Right could be quite a challenge and could take some time esp if you're going thru recovery or detoxifying from your own baggage. You will probably get hooked up with someone who is likewise and who has his own baggage as well.

Right now I am having hard time myself with this since I do not even have a gf or even able to find good church.

Take your time, do not rush things!

~Love, Ras~

October 8, 2005
5:08 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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Thanks all!

I was so down last night, couldn't you tell? I went to the social and did fine. I really do want to be friends and get to know him well. If I ever get married again I do not want to rush into it, but spend as much time getting to know the guy as I can. One friend told me I should know someone through 4 seasons before making any kind of committment. I don't know if this guy is the one this will happen with, but I will "practice" on him. He is so nice and seems to have his act together.

I really appreciate all of your advice and comments. I am printing this thread and keeping it with me for my cyber support.

((hugs)) to all of you! 🙂

h2fa

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