Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Need a little encouragement today....
June 19, 2008
9:18 am
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

....again I stand here humbled before you. Normally I would be in a catatonic sleep as a way of trying to handle my stress and depression. My husband went to play golf yesterday...came home drunk....while he was gone, I decided that I was going to just go to go to bed and get some rest. It had been a long day. When I went to bed, I started listening for his car door, wondering if he was drinking...then I caught myself doing it. SO, instead of doing that I mumbled out loud a little Mantra "I am worthy, I am a good person, this is NOT my fault, I can't change anything...etc" It calmed me down and I ended up falling into a peaceful sleep. When I got up this morning...he told me that he had been drinking the night before (DOH?) I had given him some info about AA (ONLY because he knew nothing about it...I wasn't trying to control...honest!) as a matter of fact he said " I read your little paper, and I will get help, when I want it, and choose who I want it with". I said "Okay...well, You have the info, I won't be talking about it again with you...you will either figure it out or you won't." short and to the point and nonconfrantational. He then asked me why I didn't call last night to check up on him to make sure he was okay....and I told him that I had already said that I wasn't doing that anymore. (that was an empowering moment). I am just wondering why his drinking has increased so much, have I unleashed the monster by acknowledging it? He is going around sort of like he is relieved that he doesn't have to hide anymore....now he can take his every spare minute and feed his demon. Right now I am feeling a little low. The worst part of it is the loneliness. I just miss him so much. I know that from Free's essay about Addicts (that has sustained me Free...thank you so much) about his selfishness....and about not being surprised....but the only surprising thing is how alone I feel. I miss his humor and his caring. I guess that I, too am grieving. Anyway. I am in a funk. I hope that you guys are having a better day.

June 19, 2008
9:24 am
Avatar
CantTakeIt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

{{Marty}} I hope your day gets better

June 19, 2008
9:35 am
Avatar
Work in Progress
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Martyn, no wonder you are in a funk. There will be good days and bad days as I'm discovering. Since my separation, I feel that I'm on a roller coaster iwth my emotions. Keep up with the mantras. I've been doing that every time I have thoughts of him with someone else or negative thoughts, I tell myself, "I am loveable, I am worthy." Does help to get those reels of the past and the scary future out of my mind for a while. Hope you'll soon feel better. Have you tried seeking support for yourself since he won't seek it for himself. Remember the serenity prayer.

June 19, 2008
10:02 am
Avatar
lovin life
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((marty))

you are changing the dynamic of the relationship. good for you! continue as you are and the empowering moments will come more often. unfortunately, so will the loneliness and despair at your situation. i know, i was there. i was afraid for a long time what i would find out about myself and my relationship once i opened my eyes. it was 15 years in the making...but now i am on my own and happier than i have ever been in my life. i actually look in the mirror and get estatic. it is truly bizarre!

hugs and good luck...

June 19, 2008
10:31 am
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Forgive me today....I think that I may have a little stomach virus, and feel sick...which is not helping much. I appreciate the lifting up.
I have not been able to attend one of the meetings yet...(ALA NON). My daughter's last day of summer school is tomorrow...so I think that when I get that stress off as well as some of the other non-alcohol related issues going on in my household, then I will feel like I can go and get something out of it. Meanwhile, I have not been idle, I have been going online and doing research....I want to have at least a little more understanding as well. I am actually looking forward to going to ALA NON. I really am. I need support and I know it. Thank you for being the stand ins until I can accomplish this.

June 19, 2008
10:49 am
Avatar
lovin life
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

marty...i read on the other thread that you have been through this before (married to an alcoholic).

you may not be up to answering right now, but i am curious as to whether your former husband ever got help either before or after you left him.

also, kids with either husband?

hope you are feeling better soon!

June 19, 2008
10:56 am
Avatar
alicenwonderland
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Marty,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I see some real positives with your behavior toward him. You should be very proud of yourself.

I don't want to sound preachy, but the behavior may get worse before it gets better. His comment about "why didn't you call?" makes me think that he is testing you to see if what you are saying is real that you're not going to check on him anymore. (This may even be true with his drinking. He might be trying to see if your going to leave, be supportive, stand your ground.) You got the boy rattled and wondering what's she gonna do next.

It's like a child acting out to get their parent's attention. When you ignore them, the behavior gets worse because they want a response. I am so proud of you for sticking to your guns. I know you feel low right now because you hoped that this would be the beginning of change, but the way I see it, you have planted a seed and seeds take patience and time to grow into something. It may be a weed, but it may be a beautiful flower.

You just have to remember to take care of you at all costs even if it means tough love with him. You deserve to be happy, loved, and nurtured too.

Hang in there!!!!!

June 19, 2008
11:22 am
Avatar
ndlv2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((marty)) I am soo proud of you how wonderfull that you set boudaries and are sticking to them! ((alice)) is right though his behavior will get worse if you have seen the show intervention you are now making his addiction his problem. He is deffinately rattled and is going to test the waters I hope you feel better. PEPTO for ((marty)) :-)! You know we are here and always remember YOU!

June 19, 2008
1:04 pm
Avatar
Me17
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just a question coming in on this message only so I apoligize for my iggnorance on what's happening right now!

Have you decided you are done with him or do you hope to salvage your relationship?

If saving this is your true desire than you need to seek out the moment when it feels right you will know! Walk up to him put your arms around his neck kiss him and without any hopes or expectations just say " I miss you I miss us" and walk away1

Some people don't know and we assume they should and forget to say it!!!!

My guy doen's drink but he gets lost in work, in kids, in everything and sometimes needs to be reminded I am here and I miss him! It reminds him that I need him and lets him know he needs to find time for me if he loves me

Me

June 19, 2008
1:30 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Let's see....Are you ready for all of this? Grab a chair.
I married an alcoholic at 18..stayed for five years. Attended ALA NON...went through several stints of his rehab and was counseled as well...eventually (you guys are going to love this...I became a counselor for ALA NON...hahhahhaha). I left him, because he would not stop drinking, and my two young girls did not need to be in that situation. I ended up being entirely justified. He ended up in and out of jail...he also never did pay a cent of child support and in fact they called him "The love bug" at the child support office, because he now has over 28-29 kids. NO JOKE.
It used to be a joke to my girls...they say that they are going to have to get a DNA test before they get married.....During that time though, I am not sure that I REALLY understood the concept of codependency. THEREFORE I was jonesing for another alcoholic/addict without even knowing what I was doing. I then married a physical abuser, divorce, a cheater, divorce and now back to the alcoholic., $th marriage....keeping up with Liz Taylor.
(Alice) I think that you are right on the money...I agree with you...it IS getting worse....and to be honest, I am not sure that I really even want to stick around. Today at this moment, I am so disgusted with him. I am not sure I like him anymore. I tried being positive and show him affection.....he doesn't care about that....he doesn't want anything to do with me. We have sex MAYBE once a year. It's not ME, it's him. period....I am not rewarding him or comforting him....I am bowing out....he IS a sociapath right now....and nothing that I do are going to make a blind bit of difference. Right now, I don't care if he comes home, when he comes home, or what he is doing with his time. I am tired of his crap. I am tired of my own crap....so I need to sort myself out...which I am doing. Also...while he is in the house, I am treating him like he is a coworker that I am unsure of....I am polite, but I am not going out of my way, unless I feel like doing so.
Thank you for listening! 🙂

June 19, 2008
1:43 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for the pepto!!!! AND THE PEP_TALK! I needed both! Thank you for letting me vent a little...I feel better! I don't feel out of control or drowing anymore....I am just where I refuse to focus on him. I felt that I needed to clarify. 🙂
.....banana split anyone?

June 19, 2008
1:55 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

drowing? IS that the same as DROWNING????? (Sorry) 🙂

June 19, 2008
1:55 pm
Avatar
lovin life
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow marty...all i can say is that sucks!

i assume your girls are grown and are on their own?

keep posting...we are all here for you. the good news is that you are experienced at this and you are strong to make the right decisions.

(hugs)

June 19, 2008
2:06 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My eldest is 24, second eldest 22...they are fine! My eldest is healthy...putting herself through college, and working an an intern for the gov't. Very cool. The second one is the one who was molested by my brother in law...she too, is healing and a go getter. She is enjoying her life and she calls me when she isn't, so that I can remind her how much of a wonderful person she is. She is doing great. My son is an honor student in highschool....and my youngest is enjoying being 15. I keep open communication with all of them and it seems to be working. I am damn proud of those kids! Thanks so much for all of the love....my life I often think is the stuff that would make a gret novel for Oprah's book club. hahahahaha
Here is somehting else that I was wondering about...my husband and I have two tickets to go to a concert, someone that I really want to goand see....we were supposed to go next month overnight.....now, I figure that he will probably drink and ruin the whole thing for me...should I go...and enjoy it for myself...or do I stay home? HALP! (Southern as for Help) 🙂

June 19, 2008
2:14 pm
Avatar
CantTakeIt
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I say go. If you have his ticket give it to someone who would enjoy it with you. If not, then go alone and have a good time.

June 19, 2008
2:19 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

no, what I meant is that I would be going to the concert with him. I just don't know if I want to be around him while he is drinking....but then part of me says screw him, I have a right to go to this concert and have some fun.....(SIGH)

June 19, 2008
2:21 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

By the way...my daughter is coming to pick up her computer...so I may not be online for a while.....I have to wait until the master let's me use "our" computer that he has password protected.

June 19, 2008
5:09 pm
Avatar
sad sack
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 78
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am new to your story so please forgive me if you addressed this question already.

You are clearly miserable. Why are remaining in this marriage?

sad

June 19, 2008
6:12 pm
Avatar
Celtic1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((Marty)))))

I say go to the concert. Why should you have to deal with him.

Do you have two tickets?? If you do take a girlfriend or kid who will enjoy it as much as you. If you don't go by yourself.

oncerts are GREAT!!!

Ladies and gents lets raise our chocolate everything to Marty! ;0)

Will you stay with him??? Or are you considering leaving???

Celtic

June 19, 2008
7:25 pm
Avatar
WizardofAus
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with Celtic.
Go to the concert and anywhere else you can have fun while maintaining your safety and integrity.

It seems you have said your piece about where you want the marriage to go. He seems to need to digest it, but that comment about "why didn't you call me", means your message has registered. He has AA's phone number and the balls in his court.

Now you have some time on your hands. How can you use it to best advantage? By meeting your needs and all the things that you have negelected while you did the drama dance with him. Some safe blissful fun sounds like a good idea. What would you enjoy doing while he is wasting away at the 19th Hole at the golf course?

And well done for busting up the caretaking pattern. That is a real achievement.

And because that dance was your way of coping with your emotional pain, you now have stopped medicating your pain. So yes you will feel the pain again; depression, sadness, etc.

However, when you use your spare time to design healthier ways to meet your unmet needs which are the real source of your pain, you may well experience a huge lift.

I noted that you felt really good when you did not call him; that is an example of the lift we feel when we address our needs in a healthier way.

Go Girl, the world is waiting to join you in some healthy fun.

June 19, 2008
11:07 pm
Avatar
Martyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks Wiz. I agree with you. Today I was not feeling the best. I am better now...I almost think that my anger is a positive thing....he seems so anxious to talk to me....he came home and said that he called about 6 times to tell me that he was still at work and not out drinking. I didn't answer the phone, so now lookie who is spazzing to talk to ME. All I have been doing is keeping myself calm...not getting upset or reactive. IF it is a good day...fine....if it is a bad day...well...a few positive mantras and I will get through it without spazzing. He is sitting right next to me as of now....and keeps trying to have a conversation....it is ironic...because I am the one usually doing that. Now, on to why I stay with him....we have been married, going on eight years. We have a house, three cars, 2 kids at home and three dogs. I may not stay....but for this very moment, It is a lot to just throw away. We have worked hard for everything. The other thing is, that since I am fairly new at my own recovery...I don't think that it is probably smart at this juncture to make such a huge descision right now. Even if the man drives me insane....I do see some interesting reactions from him at the moment....maybe he will love me enough... to try...and love himself enough! My daughter ididn't get the lap top today, SO...I have it for one more day which is cool....all of you are teaching me sooo much!
((LOVE))

June 24, 2008
8:44 am
Avatar
CraigCo
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 39
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That's cool stuff (Martyn)
Good on you!

Craig

June 24, 2008
8:52 am
Avatar
Celtic1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Marty)))

ENCOURAGEMENT.......ENCOURAGEMENT.....ENCOURAGEMENT....ENCOURAGEMENT....ENCOURAGEMENT!!!!

There way more where that came from for you!!! ;0)

Celtic

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
37
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111001
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald, Welds
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information