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Need a little dose of courage...
May 10, 2007
11:33 am
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Sakti
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Damn, I told my addict husband if he used again I would leave him, he did and I did. He went into a half-way house and after two weeks he used there. I let him move back in. I told him I would give the relationship another shot, but the very next weekend he used again. I told him I was moving in to an apartment I could aford, everything in my name so that I didn't need to rely on him financially. He was going to move with me, until last night. He told me he wasn't sure he wanted to move with me because of the "boundaries" I had set down. No using or he was out. I'm moving tomorrow. I told him I was going to make the decision for him and he told me that I couldn't do that, I said watch this. I said, "find you an apartment, that you aren't ready to get clean. That you still want to use and that using is more important than anything else in his life."

I know this is what needs to happen, but everytime I get around him I remember the good times and choose to give him one more chance.

I would like to know about "no contact" and need encouragement to move forward with my life.

Sakti

May 10, 2007
12:07 pm
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Sakti
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Anyone?

May 10, 2007
12:17 pm
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feelingfree
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Hi Sakti,

I separated from my addict ex-H 5 years ago.. divorced.. and we are now reconciled and living together again. He is not in a recovery program and I myself still struggle with sticking to my boundaries.

My best advice is that if you are truly ready to move forward without him in your life, then by all means, do just that.

But if your still pondering if you will be able to do that and stick to it, I would suggest going to Nar-Anon meetings for YOU so you can have the support you need. I have just recently started going to meetings myself- and I can't tell you what a difference its' making in my life.

You will not feel so alone in dealing with these types of issues, and you will learn to keep the focus on yourself.. not on what your husband is or isn't doing. You will also learn boundaries and how to stick to them. This is the best advice I can give to anyone living or dealing with an addict.

May 10, 2007
1:12 pm
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atalose
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During a Nar-Anon meeting a discussion broke out on not maintaining boundaries you have set. Someone at the meeting made reference to NO CONTACT being a medicine that may be what the addict needs. If you have never done that in the past, how will you know if NO CONTACT might work for both of you unless you try it?
If he is using while living in a half-way house, he's playing the game, he's manipulating the entire situation and history has told him you will keep taking him back.
You need to change this history because if you don't then nothing changes.
I think often when we realize our own pain of them not being in our lives is when we cave in and end up taking them back. It's kind of selfish on our part if you look at it that way. Our pain and hurt of lossing them is what allows them to continue to use while remaining with us. If we let go of that, close them off with NO CONTACT it's possible they may find there way towards recovery. And then again they may not but without that chance you'll never know. When I told my BF no more I meant it and as much as it hurt me and I felt that pain I needed for that to happen for the both of us. There was drama, there were things I never thought I'd see him go through like ending up in jail but those were the things that needed to happen in his life so he realized the extent of his addiction and what it did to his life.
He was clean for 110 days before I even spoke to him. It was another 60 days after that we both decided to give it another try. He has now been clean for over a year has a new job and a new outlook on life. He also knows that there are no more chances for us if he uses again and I am confident I can and will walk away if it ever comes to that and you know like I know relapse goes hand n hand with addiction. He works his program attends meetings and reaches out to people now when he needs to. It's one day at a time but living with an active addict always seemed like one hour at a time and a life I was not willing to hold on to.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 10, 2007
2:17 pm
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glittered when he walked
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yeah nar-anon..even al-anon would be good. It's support for those difficult decisions.

One ting to perhaps consider...you know by covering for my wife's use of drugs and not making her fully accountable I was in fact enabling her drug use. But this was finally pointed out to me and I stopped doing that. she's clean now for almost 4 years...slight hiccup due to a surgery that required narcotics, but she's clean again. I won't tolerate an addict who is actively using in my life. While I still have problems with her in our relationship, i have not regretted making a boundary of "no using."

May 10, 2007
2:31 pm
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lettingo
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One thing I have learned when dealing with an addict is "Mean what you say and Say what you Mean". Unless you are willing to follow through try not to make threats. Addicts use because they have a physical addiction and a mental obession to a substance. That does not excuse them from their behavior since there is help out there. Just like there is insulin for diabetics, there are a lot of resources for addicts. They just have to want it. You may be actually delaying his recovery if he is ever to recover by enabling him. Believe me I TRUELY know how hard this is. I was married to an Alcoholic/Addict and leaving him was truely the most painful thing I ever had to do but I did NOT DO IT ALONE. Like suggested, get involved in Nar-anon or Alanon. If you can afford therapy do it. You need all your resources right now. This is not easy. Like your husband you too need treatment for your disease. They are just as damaging. I eventually divorced my husband who continued to use and today he is in jail for multiple charges related to his drug use. This would have killed me a few months ago but I've learned that this might be EXACTLY where he needs to be to get help. If I had been around maybe I would have prevented him from facing the consequencse and making getting better.

May 10, 2007
2:35 pm
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lettingo
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Saki,
just one more thing. Since you seem to only remember the good times, why don't you sit down and write down every single negative thing that happened. I did that and I had over three pages of stuff. Every time I had any doubts I would take it out and re-read it. It sounds like he had made up his mind to continue with his drug use. I guess it's up to you to decide when enough is enough.

May 10, 2007
2:50 pm
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Sakti
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I'm a recovery addict as well and have attended several Ala-non meetings. I have made plans to stay somewhere tonight and tomorrow when move time comes, my father will be there to help me move. My husband insisted on helping me move because he said he felt obligated too, even though I told him I could manage on my on. Also my sponsor is going to me there as well.

Thanks to you all,
Sakti

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