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Naturally repulsive
December 3, 2001
11:32 am
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Cici
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I have this theory (developed when I was about 11) that people are either naturally repulsive or naturally attractive. Not in the physical sense, but in some unidentifiable kind of vibe you get from other people.

According to my theory, I would fall under the "naturally repulsive" category. I think it's because I'm very reserved and intellectually aggressive. People don't like that, it's not nice and sweet and easy. Hell, I don't know. I guess I don't try to make myself likeable enough. I have a tendancy to say what's on my mind, which doesn't make you any friends.

The thing is, when I started college I remade myself into this bubbly, happy, sweet little flirt. I made many friends and boys liked me. But it felt empty. Meaningless and worthless - like I had no real relationship with anyone. So I reverted back to my old repulsive, gruff self and the friends floated away to another happy party and I returned to my handful of old, close friends.

Maybe I have no objectivity. I have no idea. Is it shyness? Antisocial behavior? Is it like wolves that can smell a diseased pack member, so they drive it out of the pack?

December 3, 2001
11:48 am
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silence
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I guess so. I fall under the repulsive category as well. (duh)

I vote for antisocial behavior.

December 3, 2001
11:51 am
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artist 2
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I think it's having pride and integrity about who you really are. The right people will realize this about you.

December 3, 2001
12:06 pm
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Molly
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I think our vibes, auras, and personalities, are like the tides. Up and down, inward, and outward. We feed off the energy within us, and around us. Lets face it when we have spent so much time doing our inward stuff, we are not sending out those bubbly vibes, and when we try to force something for some reason, duh the reality of our ACT, we can't deny, thus the feeling of emptiness.
Cici, your also doing alot of work, your research, your personal stuff, your marriage, your father's illness, and its real hard to be an airhead, party person, who can shed s*** like a duck sheds water. We have a tendency to look at every one and everything with a seriousness, which again makes it difficult to be the bursting bubble, jokester. Not to mention the hourly doses of reality checks on the world crap, the suffering and pain that the world is experiencing, and this psudo expectation of go out and spend, vacation, holiday spirit, my friggin ass, har har har. A good dose of antisocial never hurt any one for a short period of time, and that light hearted connection will come again, I hope, there are good times and bad times, and the good times we now know, not to take for granted, and really don't last long. Don't forget we just had a full moon that I truly believe effects us in different ways, this was one of the first in a while where I didn't experience my normal mania. Just to much crap around. Antisocial's unite!!!! ugh and while I am at it, Christmas, bah humbug.

December 3, 2001
1:33 pm
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Cici
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Amen to that. It seems like everyone in my family has their various Christmas-related neuroses. Hell, everyone I know seems to have an anxious-ambivalent attachment to the holiday. We crave it but push it away. ARGH!

December 4, 2001
5:18 pm
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Cici
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Well I guess I just proved my point! It's liberating. I will embrace my natural repulsiveness and start to build a hardened shell to protect myself from rejection. Well, screw it I guess I already have!

December 4, 2001
5:35 pm
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Molly
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That is right, screw them, its their loss if they reject you. And ditch the hard shell, its too heavy and you'll get lower back pain, a purse and brief case is enough. Guess we can even ditch those and get a palm thing

December 5, 2001
11:59 am
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artist
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Sorry, CiCi, yesterday was a bad day for me or I would have responded and the day before I was not able to get on line too much--did you think that I and everyone else who didn't respond were blowing you off? Is that what you mean by you proved your point? Naahh--You just leave us tongue tied sometimes and unable to think of anything to say that could be helpful because what you say usually requires some deep thought before giving an adequate reply--and of course SOMETIMES everyone out here is in the middle of what passes for a crisis in their own lives simultaneously and can't crawl out of their own holes long enough to p** let alone get on line and offer support.
Good advice coming up---
DON'T GET DISTRESSED BY YOUR OWN IMAGININGS. It isn't fair to yourself or anyone else to say that you are naturally repulsive based on your inability to get the reactions you want or need from people.
My own personal lesson in the last couple of weeks is to remember that I don't write life's script. I am not the director and people will do or think what they please and most of the time I don't have a CLUE what that is--so predicting a person's reaction is definitely out.
I agree with Blondie as a close friend what he or she thinks and accept the opinion with an open mind.
Cut yourself some slack--after all you are just a practicing human--like the rest of us--practice may or may not make perfect but it sure keeps us all preoccupied.
We love you.
Artist:)

December 5, 2001
1:52 pm
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Cici
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Aw, thanks you guys.

I've been thinking about this a lot because one of my husband's friends told me that he never liked me and he never will. I just about slapped him across the face, which I guess would be a vicious bitch thing to do, wouldn't it?

I pressed my husband about it and he said that all of his friends intensely dislike me, and it's been so stressful for him. I have to say it, but his friends are all alcoholic, no job, weed-smoking slackers who, on top of it all, are assholes! What the hell, am I supposed to smile and be smarmy sweet and go get loaded with them? Is it my fault that he has crappy taste in friends?

ARGH! ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH. I hate it when large groups of alcoholic bums dislike me for no apparent reason.

December 5, 2001
2:16 pm
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"am I supposed to smile and be smarmy sweet and go get loaded with them?"

No, ur not!
hi cici 🙂 remember me? heh.

ok u said ur intellectually agrresive and reserved, thats NO problem.
the secret is being SURe of whoever you are, being satisfied with WHOever you are.
that way, no matter you are smiling or not, you will be attractive yourself.
but hmm, dont worry about being attractive. to hell with people (is that possible?).

December 5, 2001
2:57 pm
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artist
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I personally LIKE it when large groups of alcoholic bums dislike me for no apparent reason--shows that I'm doing something right for me at least. I hope whatever is going on with your husband and his "friends" doesn't translate into a problem between you and him. DO NOT WORRY WHAT THESE PEOPLE THINK!! They probably aren't thinkin', they're drinkin'--enough said. Maybe it's time for your husband to face up to what is stressing him about their negative opinion. And you--if you've been bad mouthing "them" in any way--cut it out--think it but keep it to yourself--don't fan the fires--if you know what I mean. Stay cool.
Artist 🙂

December 5, 2001
4:19 pm
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yup!
and you know I like girls who are reserved and "intellectually aggressive" as you said. It shows self-esteem. cool! you prove that your're the run of the mill girl, smily and cheesy

December 5, 2001
11:43 pm
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gypsygirl
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ROFLMAO

December 6, 2001
3:33 pm
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Cici
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Oh my God, you crack my up Blondie. Can I use that line? "I was born with an asshole I don't need any more"? BWAAA-haha hahhaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I have been bad-mouthing them, so there ya go, I was being petty, I admit it. My sister gave me the same advice and I realize that it's right, but I have this neurological problem. Whenever a thought pops into my head it has a tendency to tumble out of my mouth. Ensueing reactions can range form amusement to offense. Ha ha ha

guest-guest, whats up? Thanks for the feedback. Hmmm. Maybe it takes a man with a strong sense of self and his own opinions to handle an opinionated woman....

December 6, 2001
3:51 pm
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nothing much, cic, doing fine here.
trying to fight procastination.
naturally replusive? hmm.. i dont think so. depends on the personality, i think! the same person can be repulsive e.g when in a bad mood, or attractive when in a good mood.
what really attracts is strong self-esteem. if ur in a bad mood (like anger), u attract if u have good self esteem and r sure of urself.
if u have bad self-esteem, then even if u are all smily, u cant attract much.
the "solidness" in a person.

i think ur right.. yup. maybe u intimidate men who want women to be all smily and cheesy

December 7, 2001
1:53 pm
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Cici
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Hmmm, a refreshing breath of air. Thanks, Blondie.

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