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Narcissist - why couldn't I see it?
April 29, 2007
12:12 am
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lucyloo
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What am I doing for me? Right now, not enough I know. Focusing on getting back in the career/work mode right now but I also am focused on getting up and going to a Yoga class in the morning.

My no contact is very fresh, just over a week and I can already predict with certainty in about 3 weeks or so, he will contact me. It's the pattern. He'll have some hot fling to keep him busy for a few weeks and then she'll be done with him and he'll feel lonely and need his narcisisstic supply to be fed again.

I do have to think about me and what I need to do. I have been weeding out toxic friends during this process too which makes it harder because I moved to this state with him 1 1/2 yrs ago. But I know this is right and there are people that were in my life with too much drama. Like attracts like.

I have recently made a list "Things I Want To Do" for myself and have taped it next to my desk so I can look at it all the time. I have to start going for it - I know!

How old is your baby? Do you work full time too? What kind of work do you do? Have you started dating again?

My best to you - thanks for chatting and sharing.

April 29, 2007
12:16 am
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lucyloo
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Erin-
We must have been posting at the same time - so the baby has not been born yet? When are you due? My god, the stress of going through this pregnant - I cannot imagine. You are very strong and I am sure you have decided to be strong for your baby.

Yes, you do feel embarassed that you were sucked into this with a man like this. Feel like you almost have to apologize for it. I actually have been feeling a bit paranoid, like people are thinking - what is wrong with her for staying with him and trying to make it work after he cheated?

All these feeling make me feel very ill sometimes.

Best to you and the baby. Do you know what you're having?

April 29, 2007
5:40 pm
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erinrose
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Lucy,

Go grab your cell phone and replace his name in it with the words, "DO NOT ANSWER." Someone I know who has a substance abuse problem did this with all of her old dealers and people she used to use with. She does not answer any of them! Remember that co-dependency is another form of addictive behavior and you want to set yourself up to succeed. Yoga is awesome and will help you to keep your head on straight. Try to do that regularly.

I work full-time as a writer and support myself. I also teach part-time. Very busy life which is good and bad. I have had no morning sickness-thank heavens. But I do get tired and I am having a tough time with housework. Not that I have ever liked housework!

I do not want to know the gender of the baby. I think it is more fun to have a surprise and I will be thrilled either way. 🙂

Lucy, we both made some poor choices-they do not define us unless we continue to make them. It is good to get things out with a therapist or friend but you do not want to just keep repeating your story over and over. I think that hard-wires it into our brains and it keeps us victims. We are not victims. We are intelligent women with free will and we are making better choices now. These guys may have been manipulative as hell but they did not force us to stay. We stayed because we did not want to face something within ourselves. At least that is what I believe. Cheaters cheat. Liars keep lying. And substance abusers are capable of almost anything. You sound like a decent person. You did some things you are ashamed of. You should take responsibility for them and vow to never do them again. But do not beat yourself up.

Are there ANY loose ends which will put you into direct or indirect contact with him? If so, tie them up or get a friend to tie them up for you. ZERO CONTACT must be your mantra.
In the beginning your mind will want to go running through those often-used paths that are worn wide in your brain. Do not be tempted.

Choose instead the rough path with branches that may stick or scratch you. It is okay. That is how it feels to do something new. Uncomfortable at first. But once you've done it you will feel great about it because you will know you have made a new healthy path for yourself.

These changes do not have to be dramatic or big. Every little thing that you do differently than you did before will turn your compass a little closer toward the direction you want to be heading. I am a very visual as well as verbal person and that is how I see it. Each little bit gets me closer and emboldens me to keep going. You can do the same. Erin Rose

April 30, 2007
11:51 pm
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lucyloo
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Erin Rose,
Thank you - all wonderful advice. Much I have already started and have felt the branches start to stick and scratch me. The reinforcement is wonderful.

I changed to DO NOT ANSWER on my cell phone tonight. Love it!

Unfortunatley the loose ends I have with him are a pending domestic violence charge against him that I may (or may not) have to appear in court for. I am thinking of not appearing and let the chips fall where they may with him but still trying to understand my own legal rights in it. I wish I could have a friend go in my place but that's not reality unfortanely.

What kind of writing do you do? I write for a magazine here just for fun (I was a journalism major) but do marketing as a full time career.

When is your baby due?

May 1, 2007
1:52 pm
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erinrose
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Lucy,
I guess I am a little paranoid but I am trying to stay pretty anonymous out here in cyperspace so PLEASE forgive me if I do not provide details. If there is another venue where the posts are private we could correspond there? Anyone can read these posts and I have a pretty "public" side to my life if that makes any sense.I am fast becoming a hermit which I know is not the best but so many people have betrayed me lately that I feel quite guarded. And I hate that I feel this way because I know that living from a place of fear is DISASTROUS but that is where I am at.
Most recently, the woman I THOUGHT was my best g-friend who would stand by me through thick and extra thin abandoned me just like my ex.I do not understand why she has chosen to treat me like this but there you have it. When I asked her why she has not been there when I have been going through such a hard time she said, "Well, you wanted to keep the baby and it shouldn't be hard." I was apoplectic. That was a shock to hear her speak to me so callously and I do not think I can ever forgive her. Another do not answer I suppose.

I am sorry but I am feeling so badly about this today. I feel like I have chosen all the wrong people to be in my life. I thought I had good friends. I thought that I would have at least a couple of friends to help me through this and now I think I am going to be alone.

About your loose ends, I can't give you any legal advice because laws vary from place to place but it may or may not be worth it for you to go to court. If you do not show up they will likely drop the charge. If that is your only tie and you do not want to see him then don't go. If you think you might regret not being a witness then go. But make sure it is worth it. If he has no previous record and/or a good attorney and it is just a misdemeanor you may be extremely disappointed with the justice system. My experience is that you waste a lot of time showing up and waiting for not much justice at all. In most states you have to have a limb severed or be rendered unconscious before they will increase the charge to anything greater. It is ridiculous of course. If someone did to me in a bar what my ex did to me at our house they would have a minimum of a 2nd degree felony charge.
The animal cruelty laws are better than that. Erin Rose

May 1, 2007
3:17 pm
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nmlp
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Lucyloo and ErinRose;

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to stay away from the Narcissit. I know, I was married to one for 17 years and with him for 20. Do not blame yourself for getting "sucked in". That is what they do, suck in someone that they feel whose feelings of love and obligation towards them will enable them to get away with anything they want. My exhusband portrayed the whole "family man - good Catholic" thing for all of those years. He did not just fool me, he fooled everyone that knew him, and he is still fooling some of those people. Narcissits are incapeable of truly loving and caring about anyone else, even their wives and children. What they want comes first and that is all that matters in the end. My ex husband wasn't just a compulsive liar, but a pathological liar. There is no helpling a person with a narcissitic personality disorder. The best thing to do is to get off of that roller coaster ride and have ABSOLUTELY no contact. Narcissists usually have other disorders along with the narcissism. You are better off purging it all from your life. Try not to be angry, hurt, and bitter. That in itself is a huge feat. I know...I have been through the whole gammut and, unfortunately, have two teenaged daughters that have been forced to go through it also because it was their Dad. Don't blame yourself either. The only guilt you have is not seeing it for what it was, but that guilt is not your at a deciding level. You didn't decide not to see it... you loved him, gave him excuses. I know, I did it too. Give your self time to greive, to mourn, to get over the feelings of loss, betray, and anger. Don't jump into any new relationships until you can heal your heart. Try a support group. If you don't know where to look for one, try your county Women's Center. They can definately help you.

God Bless and many hugs!

May 1, 2007
3:55 pm
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erinrose
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nmlp,

He has not bothered me lately. I am sure he has found another woman to prey on and he knows I won't take him back. I have not made contact and have no intention of doing so but I am having his child and as soon as the baby's born he will likely do his best to make trouble for me. The way the laws are written, he will be able to have visitation if he goes to court for it. He makes a lot more money than I do. I have no money for an attorney but do not qualify for legal aid. So then what? I am scared for me and my unborn child. I cannot take any chaos. He loves to create drama and does not even pretend to be a decent person but even criminals have parental rights. He is an alcoholic. I would move but my life is here- my job, my few friends and support system. It is going to be hard enough being a single parent without starting all over. Otherwise I would move away. I already know he won't change. I just want to be rid of him and have peace in my life. Erin Rose

May 3, 2007
10:25 am
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nmlp
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erinrose,

You can still go to your county woman's shelter and get some advice. They may be able to put you in touch with an attorney (and one that they usually refer women to) that would be willing to help you pro-bono or at a reduced rate. That is how I found my lawyer. I know that you are afraid of the unknown, but you really do have alot of resources out there that will help you. I did not know who to turn to, I also thought that because I had a job that I wouldn't be eligible for help. Wrong. I can't hurt to help.
And by the way, he will have to pay child support on a weekly basis. Let the courts take it out of his pay. They will issue you a check through probation. You can also have the courts request that he be evaluated (narcisistic and alcoholism). Just because he is a Dad does not give him the right to see your child if he is not fit. My ex husband has no visitation or custody and my daughters are teenagers. Our divorce has only been final for 5 weeks. You are right, he will make trouble for you. My ex still is, and I just don't see it EVER stopping. The trick is how you deal with it. You can learn to deal with more then you would ever believe yourself able with the right guidance. Please, help you and help your baby. At the end of the day....it is up to you and only you to protect yourself and your young one. You can do it. Have faith in yourself. I will be thinking of you. Hugs.

May 3, 2007
6:25 pm
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Thanks NMLP for being there

littlespirit

May 5, 2007
8:47 am
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erinrose
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NMLP,

I have already done what you have suggested.I am friends with several social workers. I am very familiar with all of the resources in my area because of the work that I do and have asked for legal help all around. Not going to get it. I do not qualify for legal aid and the best the attorney from the women's center could do was consult with other attorneys and they actually could not help me at all.I spent days on the phone calling attorneys and BEGGING. He has already been evaluated by his ex-wife and he passed with flying colors. He simply lies about his drug and alcohol use. They do not do drug/alcohol tests on fathers. Only mothers. It is a messed up system. My only option is to pay for an attorney and I can't afford that right now. I have never heard of a father being declared unfit. My understanding is that if he is the father his rights cannot be taken away, period. Unless the baby is ADOPTED. My friend's daughter's husband is a much worse criminal than my ex- who looks like a saint in comparison because he has professional job and wears a suit. He STILL gets to see his kids when he is out of jail! Trust me, my fears are not unfounded. And I do not want any money from him. Not one penny. I think it would be hypocrisy to want him out of my life and still ask for money. Anyway, the 3 or 4 hundred dollars a month I might get would not be worth the hassle. His ex-wife had him put in jail once for failing to pay child support and that apparently did not faze him. I want him out of my life completely. I do not know what more help I can ask for. I have a counselor. I have talked with attorneys. What more can I do?

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