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Narcissism and Borderline Personality Advice
May 16, 2006
10:51 am
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Shesamom
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I have been seeing a therapist to address some childhood issues I have regarding my mom. Not to diagnose my mom but to help me deal with her behavior, my therapist thinks she has BPD and N. I have not had any contact with my mom for 3 years and am regaining my own power. Now, here is my problem.....

I have been getting phone calls (I don't know my mom's phone number because she moved without telling me over 2 years ago) this past week with an area code from her city several states away. I know the city in which she lives but nothing else. My answering machine--I know, get with the times already--is on the fritz so I have been missing calls. Anyhow, I answered the phone last night from this same number expecting a telemarketer to have a deal for me but whoever was on the other end waited a few seconds (after I said hello twice) and then they hung up.

I don't think I am ready for contact with her, if it is even her.

If I do answer the phone and it is her, how can I deal with that? She has not been diagnosed and I have never told her my suspicions. I just stay away from her instead. How can I stay intact and help her in a healthy way? It would be horrible to lose myself in the process again.

Any advice would be appreciated.

May 16, 2006
11:52 am
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Randomwomen2
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Thats really hard sweetheart have you talked to your therapist about this? I really dont know much about Narcissism and Borderline Personality. I can offer hugs though (((Shesamom))))

May 16, 2006
2:04 pm
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Matteo
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There is a site for adult children of narcissistic parents, where people deal daily with issues like yours, I am sure it would be helpful for you, even just reading the posts there.. Most of the parents are never formally diagnosed, but that does not change the reality their children had to endure. My mother is a narcissist, I diagnosed her in October last year (lol!) and I didn’t speak to her since...I am not sure how to go about it , if at all. I didn’t see her in 18 years, I contact her rarely, and still most of the times she just upsets and frustrates me. Good luck.

May 16, 2006
2:43 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dear Sheamom -

We certainly do have alot in common. My mother (a narcissist) disappeared 1-1/2 years ago from her nursing home and left specific instructions that I was NEVER to be told where she had gone. She is 84, by the way, and I am 56. Initially, this cruel act of rejection and abandonment hurt me deeply and I tried frantically to locate her and verify her safety, etc.

After awhile, I accepted her disappearnce and actually felt grateful that she was gone from my life. She has tormented me in classic, narcissistic fashion ALL of my life. I never counted. Never mattered. Was cruelly abused, physically, emotionally and verbally. It is ALL ABOUT HER. Always has been and always will be. So, I am really better off being relieved of the duty & responsibility of caring for her in her final years. Now, someone else will be stuck with her. A trade-off: they will take her money and she will have endless, narcissistic supply (until her money runs out).

I do feel for you. I get the same "mystery" hang-up calls, as well. I believe some of her friends (or even my mother, herself) place these calls, to verify that (1) I am still alive; and (2) my whereabouts.
Don't let the calls bother you. I would pity your mother. She is so mentally ill (they are, you know) that she cannot appreciate the great blessing that you are! Her loss. Keep that healthy distance from her. Narcissists destroy everyone who is unfortunate enough to be personally connected to them (via blood relation, marriage, parenthood, job, etc.). You are only safe when you have NO CONTACT with an N, as they are called online.

I know alot about Borderline Personality Disorder, as well. My fiance has BPD. As I have come to understand from months of therapy, being raised by a cruel, N mother predisposed me to turn around and select an equally abusive, emotionally unavailable mate, as an adult. (If you can't fix things with Mom, then you will try "fixing" a messed up relationship with an adult mate.) BPD and N both come from the same, B-Cluster category of personality disorders. BP's are basically terrified of being abandoned; therefore, they use rage to cover up their shame and attack the very person they are frantically trying to hold onto, thus fulfilling their own vicious cycle of failure in personal relationships. There are some great books on the subject, including STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS and I HATE YOU; DON'T LEAVE ME. I recommend them both. All of the major bookstores usually can get them for you and they are available online, as well.

Keep posting. We are all here for you.

- Strong

May 16, 2006
3:11 pm
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Shesamom
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Thanks so much you guys. I will look for that site and take a look at those books suggested.

Matteo and Strong, I really feel for you. I am so sorry each of you had to endure hurt from your moms too.

I did call my therapist and she told me that since my phone is unlisted and the call was obviously not a telemarketer as they want you to answer the phone to sell you something that it probably was my mom being that the area code matched her city. She told me that if I do end up talking to her that I should try not to say anything I would regret. Make it really short if at all possible.

My entire existence with my mom is under the condition that she never validate me. If I try to do such now, especially on the phone, it will be more for her to not validate. Why waste the time when she will forget it in a day and I will be tormented for weeks? I am sure she would say something like "You are the one who made me move" in some twisted fashion. That would just be added to the big pile of bull she leaves me to deal with.

I have actually enjoyed the space she gave me since she moved (once I got over the hurt). It gave me a break from all that drama and twistedness. Now, I am panicking a bit at the thought of even speaking to her. Moms are supposed to be "sacred." What the hell happened to mine? My dad is dead. My mom is a wackjob. I am okay with never speaking to her again. Pray that she does not call me.

May 16, 2006
6:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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I will pray that she never calls you, until you are READY to handle it with your peace INTACT. Part of the N/BP mental illness is their need to always BLAME OTHERS. They never take responsibility for they many ways in which they hurt others around them. Instead, they will twist the truth, until YOU are the "evil one" who caused them to do the bad things, etc. Get the picture? It's an ugly one and it crushes its victims, particularly in the case of an N-parent with a child. The child grows up KNOWING IN HER HEAD that she didn't do wrong, but BELIEVING WITH HER CHILD-HEART that she must, indeed, be flawed, if Mommie can't love her or is always angry with her.

Break the cycle. Get ahold of those books. Check out all the support websites for people who know or love a narcissist or a borderline. There are alot of us. It will strengthen you to know there are so many support sources for us today.

Keep posting.

Love,

- Strong

May 18, 2006
1:10 am
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awall
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May I recommend a book?
Boundaries
By Henry Cloud and John Townsend
I think it could help you in many ways... I thought it was extremly thought provoking and mentally healthy.

May 18, 2006
9:07 am
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Shesamom
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I will look for it....maybe this weekend. Thank you.

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