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Nar-anon
March 30, 2008
12:28 am
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metromint
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I have been told that I need to find a meeting and go. I have posted before on my lack of trust regarding my son who is a recovering addict. It's so hard to trust again, and by not trusting him our relationship is so strained. I am so sad.

Has anyone had experience with these meetings?

March 30, 2008
4:09 pm
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Codi202
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I have been to alanon meetings -- many years ago -- it should be an extention of alanon so you can get an idea from them Its dealing with codependecy 101.
I recommend reading the materials provided.

Go to the alanon website, it mentions drugs too.

March 30, 2008
9:59 pm
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metromint
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Thank you Codi202. I will do that. I appreciate your response.

March 30, 2008
10:57 pm
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unionmom
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metromint, this is my first time posting to this site. I can so relate to the strain in your relationship with your son b/c of the trust issue. I feel as though I cycle between two opposing sets of feelings with my son: either I'm embracing, loving and "helpful" (which means being blindly supportive, no matter what choices HE makes) or else I'm angry, resentful and withdrawing, leaving him to sort out his own messes. This is my journey, to find balance. When I first entered counseling for my codependent relationship with my son, I said, "I want to work on my relationship with my son." I found out I really needed to work on my relationship with myself. Still working on it, 10 months later, but I have indeed made progress. I know this isn't responsive to your question re: a group, sorry. I live in a small town where there's only Al-Anon groups, no narc-anon. So I went to one meeting and it was not for me. I truly wish I could have found a local meeting of parents whose children had drug addictions as I think this might have been more helpful. I wish you all the luck in the world. I benefitted a great deal from reading the book CoDependent No More and my therapy. All my best!

March 31, 2008
2:29 pm
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metromint
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Thank you so much Unionmom. You pretty much described my situation exactly. I am in therapy for myself, but I do need some help on dealing with my son. I have to find a healthly boundry with him or I will loose my mind.

Again thank you so much for your post. I will let you know the progress I have/will make.

March 31, 2008
6:54 pm
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unionmom
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hi again. Since I have been 50% responsible for the dynamic between my son and me, I know it must be a shock to him to find me no longer willing to relate in the same old ways that were: making ME crazy; enabling him; and keeping HIM stuck. I'm working hard to remember that my new approach is just that: New, esp. to him. He's trying the same old things that always worked before, but they aren't working, and he's frustrated; he gets angry when I won't (a) sympathize or (b) help him financially (and a should always = b in his mind, since I have the financial resources to continue to "help."
I always felt I had this intimate knowledge of why my son was the way he was, and I used that intimate knowledge to rationalize giving him "help" and bail him out of the consequences he had created for himself. My therapist asked me a question that changed a lot of my thinking: He said, "How has that intimate knowledge you possess helped him move forward with his life so far?" Well, of course, it hasn't. It's really contributed to him making a complete mess of his young life so far.
I often beat myself up for my complicity in his lack of growth and maturity. I'm not sure I'll ever shed that, but I'm working on it.
I guess I probably post more than is polite on this site. But it is comforting to get some of this out, esp. to another mom. All my best to you on your journey.

March 31, 2008
10:49 pm
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smarterone
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September 24, 2010
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Evening ladies
I, too am one of the "mothers".
My son, 31, joined a christian based home rehab for men called Teen Challenge and spent 9months in recovery, sober lliving and was supposed to stay till july, but left last week. He is with me again, hoping he "will" be ok, but i have the same fears and faults as you.
Its not even a week, and yes, i know he is old enough to be on his own, no not so, i am giving him this chance but asking the Lord to give me continuous strength. I hope he remains the man he is right now, following a good path, its hard when you step out into the real world, see, there i go making excuses.
Just wanted to add my input of life. God bless all of you.

April 2, 2008
10:25 am
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atalose
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It is OK, NOT TO TRUST YOUR RECOVERYING ADDICT. Sometimes NOT trusting is a GOOD HEALTHY way to be.

Addicts destroy our trust and just because they have stopped putting a substance into their bodies doesn’t mean there addictive mind has been cured. The addictive thinking doesn’t just turn off when they are 30, 60 or 90 days clean and sober. That is why attending meetings, working with a counselor, etc is so important to their recovery. More important then just stopping the substance.

Be kind and patient with yourselves and work on your codependent thinking and behaviors while the addicts work on themselves.

Trust is something that is build during the course of any relationship and when that trust is destroyed it takes time to re-build it.

Of course the addict wants it instantly, doesn’t want to be patient and can be demanding, and that is how you know and realize their addiction is still in control and your healthy recovery depends on NOT giving the addict something they have yet to earn.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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