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NancyW...help...it's nrblonde!
April 17, 2004
11:31 pm
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nrblonde
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I hope you don't mind me contacting you...just had an argument with CD! He said that he missed seeing my son. I have kept him from him because of my family's displeasure about the whole accident/drinking thing. I have decided to try to stay by him purley as a friend. We both agreed that a relationship isn't what CD needs at this time. I have told my parents that he is someone I would never spend the rest of my life with because I could never trust him but I can't turn my back on a friend, especially someone I had feelings for in their time of need. So I called his cell to tell him that I would bring my son to see him tonight. He never returned any of my calls. He was with a friend. When he finally called me, he sounded like he had been drinking. Of course, he denied it. To spare you all of the details, he started to tell me that he felt so bad about not being able to see both of us that that's why he didn't return my calls. He then got very argumentative. He said that he's just sick of all of the legal issues he's dealing with and that he thinks people are calling him to try and get dirt on him. (paranoia?)

Long story short....he want's to see me tomorrow to talk things over. My problem is I don't know how to prepare myself. I want to stand by him only as a friend but if that's the case, why am I sooooo pissed off at him? Can you help me? Do you have any insight?

I realize that I'm dumping this on a total stranger but you seem to have a great deal of experience dealing with these issues and you are so strong. Any help you could give me would be GREATLY appreciated!!

NRblonde

April 18, 2004
7:50 pm
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Hi,
Made it through the confrontation...I stayed strong...I'm OK!

April 19, 2004
9:22 pm
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what happened, and how did it go?

April 19, 2004
9:59 pm
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hi,
He did drink. We talked about a lot of things and I told him that I felt like he was taking me for granted knowing that I would be there for him and how dare he "blow me off" that. We talked things over and I told him that I want more from my life than to be with an alcoholic who isn't helping himself. I realize that it's an ongoing battle but I can't wait around and put my life on hold while he gets his act together. I don't know that I could ever trust him anymore since he's lied so much. There's more to the story that I don't think you know about but I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting this week.

Thanks for asking!

April 20, 2004
12:26 am
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hi nrblonde

alanon is a great place to go. been there. You may be surprised at just how NOT different your experiences are. In detail they may be, but the circumstances around them are not.

Life with an alcoholic definitely has it's ups and downs.

Some people choose to stay. Some, to leave. Either way, that de

April 20, 2004
12:28 am
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oops, my computer is acting really weird. Got cut off.

What I was saying is that either way, you will have support at alanon.You deserve that.

take care, let me know how it goes

free

April 20, 2004
8:38 am
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free -

Thanks for your input....I really do appreciate it!

April 20, 2004
8:00 pm
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nrblonde, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. I was out of town. I'm glad to hear you stayed strong. Those feelings about how you can care and still be pissed are called ambiguous. It means you can have 2 opposing feelings at the same time or within short periods of time. We all have them, even alcoholic men. That's why they run away, then call as if nothing happened. It can drive you insane if you don't realize what it is. You think one or both of you are pscho. But you're not, it's a process of trying to decide what to do with the relationship. I'm glad to hear you're going to an Al-Anon meeting. Be aware of his little "slips", they usually means he's really not ready to quit drinking and will only push you away or hide it. PLEASE don't let yourself get caught up in that!!!! You weren't put on this earth to save CD!! You didn't cause his drinking and you won't cure it. Him keeping you dangling or twisting in the wind is a cruel mind game. Don't play. I'll be gone for a couple of hours, but I'll see if you wrote back when I get home.

April 21, 2004
9:07 am
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Nancy,
Thanks for getting back to me. Ambiguous really sums it up. I know that I can't make him stop drinking or change his alcoholic mind set. I just want to support him like I would any other friend who is going through a tough time. I've accepted that he's not ready to completely stop drinking. That actually helps in keeping my barriers up. I think the incident I wrote about was a turning point in getting my head together.

I'm going to have to testify if his case goes to trial. I also have to meet with his lawyer and give a deposition which scares me a little. I'm looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night!

April 21, 2004
7:19 pm
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I've realized at times, I can get suckered into other's problems (****'s) so easily and end up not taking care of myself. I feel tension in my upper chest muscles when it happens. As soon as I realize what I'm doing - grabbing the bait - I ask myself, "Who's problem is this, anyway?! Who got HIMself into this predicament?!" Understanding detachment with love is a liberating feeling!!
What is the trial about? Whatever it is, just be as honest as possible, that way you don't have to remember any lies and get mixed up. Maybe if you're really honest, his lawyer won't want you to testify and you're off the hook.

April 21, 2004
8:41 pm
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Upper chest muscle pain??? OH MY GOD, IS THAT WHAT THAT PAIN IS FROM??!!

All this time I thought it was gas!!

When I first started writing, I mentioned that CD was involved in a head-on crash. Someone was killed. I was with him all day and never saw him drink! They gave him field surbriety tests and he failed 2/7.

I still will swear that he was not intoxicated....AT THAT PARTICULAR TIME!! Separate issue is that he is an alcoholic and maybe indirectly that contributed to the accident. The only blood test that has come back didn't show any alcohol. He's charged with DWI, vehicular manslaughter, etc.

This is why I've been trying to be there as a supportive friend while he goes through all of this.

See why I'm so confused??

April 21, 2004
10:25 pm
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GAS!!!What a hoot! If only we could take some Tums and get over it, huh?!

Wow, what a situation to be in. I sure don't envy you. It sounds like you'll be a good witness for him, though. As long as you didn't see him drinking and the blood test didn't show anything, he may not have anything to worry about. Yeah, not worry! That guilt, that he must be feeling, could make me want to go back to drinking. I know how hard it is to try to be supportive, caring and there for someone who obviously needs relief, but to one who is pushing you away. It's his guilt doing it, but like he says, doesn't want you to have to go through it. Perfect opportunity to use the word 'ambiguous'. He definitely needs his counselor and if he'll let you, your support. But if he won't accept your help, there really isn't anything you can do. And maybe even add to his guilt-because you're going through it too. Like I said, I sure don't envy your situation.

I was pushed away too, but for different reasons. When we want to help so much and we're not allowed, it hurts BAD. Take it one day at a time, one minute at a time and remember to take care of yourself.

April 22, 2004
9:51 am
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Finally..someone who knows what I'm going through and more importantly, understands!! Aside from the night of our misunderstanding, he is extremely greatful for my support and help. He is going through an enormous amount of guilt. I don't know that he ever will get over the trauma.

April 22, 2004
6:21 pm
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It'll be extremely difficult to overcome that guilt. I can't imagine having to try. I guess all he can do is "let" his counseling work, ask God for forgiveness and himself.

April 23, 2004
8:33 am
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You said it!

I went to my first Al-Anon mtg. last night. A friend went with me ....thank God she did because no one showed up! I'm not giving up. I'll continue to find a meeting. Can you believe that CD asked me if I wanted him to go with me?

HAHA..I told him thanks but I think you should concentrate on going to your own meetings.

April 23, 2004
8:42 am
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Would you give me your opinion on something?
As you know I quit drinking. One of my close friends is still drinking, but says she wants to quit, join me in AA (sounds like we have fun there) but isn't ready quite yet. Sounds like **** and the desert story.
A while back at a b-day party with my old drinking friends a different girl asked me if it was hard. I asked if she was talking about the break up or not drinking. Drinking. I said "No, what's hard is to be around drunk, obnoxious people." My close friend over heard this and asked if she got obnoxious. In the past, I would've avoided all confrontation and said, "Oh, no, not you." But instead, I said "Yes, sometimes you do. But remember, it's your choice to continue drinking and live the way you want. Just like it's my choice to not drink and live the way I want." She hugged me, said she loves me (you know, in the drunk way of friends), and that she doesn't want for our friendship to only be about drinking. I said OK, if you ever want to do something with me that doesn't involve drinking, I'd love to hear from you.
A couple of days later, I put her to the test. I asked her to help me move a couple of items that were a little too heavy & bulky for 1 person. She already had plans to go to the bar immediately after work with another woman from our 'group of friends'. But said she'd stop to help. It was rush, rush, rush. As soon as the items were in my truck, they practically ran to their vehicle and took off. I stood there next to my loaded truck, alone, wondering if or when they'd think of how I was going to unload it ALONE. Not that I told her, but I gave her a D on that test. Apparently, after she had the relief of that 1st drink, she started feeling guilty about leaving that way and decides to make up for it by having a weekend get-away with 2 of our other friends (not alcoholics) for my upcoming birthday. The plan is to go about 2 hours south of here and stay at her family's condo. I've been invited there before, but she's never followed through. My birthday is May 1st.
Then Easter came. She & I made plans for brunch. I've spent every holiday with her for the past 5 years because of the situation with my family. This friend calls me her baby sister. I'm 11 years younger than her. Easter morning I called her to see what time and where are we going. She very nonchalantly blew me off! I was very hurt, but didn't say anything at the time. I made other plans with a non-drinking friend and spent the day with her & her family. I hadn't heard from her until yesterday since Easter. Her email was very accusing and whining. "Are you mad at me or what. You haven't called or written in ages. I feel like you were just around for a beer friend. THAT SUCKS. Well have a great weekend moving, since you didn't call me for help. I don't even know how your pool tournament went." After thinking through what I'd say, I emailed her back saying "No one knew I'd sold the house and I hadn't asked anyone to help me move stuff yet. I haven't talked to anyone about the pool tourn. because it was an AA weekend. It's called Anonymous for a reason. My phone number and email address hasn't changed. I could ask you the same thing." and I reminded her how I'd said if she wanted to do something with me that didn't involve drinking, I'd love to. I also said, "Now I'm wondering if I'm still invited to the condo for my birthday. What ever you decide is fine with me. I just don't want to be in the dark and have to scramble to make other plans like I did at Easter."
I haven't heard back from her, which is seeming to be OK with me. I feel that if she can't respect my right to not drink, have a better life than what I had, and a right to some privacy, it's time to leave her in the desert. I've already told her when & if she's ready for AA, I'll take her.(She has expressed interest a few times.) Like I've told you though, I'm not going to hold my breath on if she'll "let" it work or not. I'm not going to take her bait of feeling guilty or pity for her. She makes her own decision every day if she's going to drink or help herself. Hmmm, the "gas" is going away just writing this. Thanks for reading and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

April 23, 2004
9:38 am
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It sounds to me like she's in another "place" than you are. My experiences with drinkers - while it hasn't been that extensive - is that it seems hard for them to commit to anything. Which always leaves one hanging. I thik I'm picking up that the stronger she realizes that you're becoming, the worse she gets? Don't get me wrong.......it's not anything that you're doing wrong - you know it's her decision to be in the place she's in.
If we could let go of relationships that easily, would we be on this website?
Good Luck!

April 23, 2004
10:49 pm
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How true. Thank you. It's been a rough 24 hours. Last night I had to rush my 2 year old cocker spaniel to the vet ER. He was choking. He had a pencil stuck in his throat. I tried to get it out with my fingers, I tried rubbing his throat, I even tried the Heimlich manuever several times. I was almost to the vet when he got it out. I was so afraid of losing him.
2 1/2 years ago, I bought a house to restore and got royally ripped off by contractors and our city building inspector. My real estate agent finally found a buyer, we're closing on Monday. I'm losing ALOT of money. But it's better than the alternative. I never even got to live in the house. I was there today to move some stuff out that I was suppose to use when I moved in there. I was feeling the loss of a dream-MY OWN HOUSE, with my business in it.
I''ve lost my relationship with ****, of course out of neccessity, but it still hurts.
I'm probably going to lose the friendship of a long time friend, due to her drinking, again out of neccessity for my good.
I feel like I'm scrambling to keep all of what I've learned in my head, because I don't ever want to have to go through those REALLY hard times ever again of getting myself healthy.
I have to remember I'm never truly alone. I have other friends, a landlord in case something here goes wrong, and most importantly I have God on my side. And I have you to write to. It really helps, doesn't it?!

April 24, 2004
5:58 pm
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Yes, it does help. And when it rains it certainly pours!! Whith God on your side, how can you be alone? (easy for me to say, I still have CD in my life)I do pray for guidance and strength dailly.

Do they have booth/chair rentals where you live? I actually work as a secretary M-F and do hair Tues night and Sat. It helps to pay the bills and I can still keep my hands in it.

Even with all your crap going on - I still admire your strength. I'm a firm believer in the Yin/Yang concept. Are you familiar with that? I to have had so much bad sh-- happen to me lately that, when it keeps happening, I say my Yang is gonna be HUGE!!

April 24, 2004
6:30 pm
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I only feel alone when I close the door on God, when I'm ashamed of some of my thoughts, even though I know He knows them. I come out of it pretty quick now.

I work alone. My salon is on ground level and my apartment is above it.

I've heard of Yin/Yang, but don't know what it means. From what you wrote, I imagine Yin is the sh** and Yang is the reward? If so, I believe we both were due some HUGE Yang. Haha!

I got all my stuff moved out of the house I'm selling. There were 6 great friends that showed up and 4 kids! I'm so thankful! I'm heading out now for a friend's bridal shower. We've known each other since kindergarten. We both got engaged a year ago Xmas Eve. The 1st bridal shower for her was really hard for me to go to and stay at; the dress fittings did have me crying; but tonight is a different story. I'm going with a fresh attitude: Glad it's her and not me. (There should have been bridal showers for me going on now.) Talk to you later.

April 25, 2004
9:44 am
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Hope you had a great time at the shower. When I had my shower, I remember sitting there opening presents feeling the guilt that people spent $$ on me when I knew the marriage wouldn't work. I just kept telling myself that I can make it work and if he really loves me, so will he!!!! After 8 yrs of trying to "fix" him, it ended. Now he's "found" religion (a little too over the top for my tastes) with his new wife and baby. She accepts him for what he is (God bless her!) and he says that they not only pray for CD every night but also that I find someone nice to settle down with. ISN'T THAT JUST SO SPECIAL OF THEM!

ps - Thoughts are nothing to be ashamed of as long as you don't act on the bad ones. I think it's nature's way of clearing your head!

April 25, 2004
11:25 pm
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The shower was nice. We just ate at a Mexican restaraunt. I couldn't believe it, but I truly felt "I'm glad it's her getting married and not me." I looked through his old emails and the ones I sent him and could really see the good changes in my communication and how bizarre his are. I'm convinced he has conversations in his head that he thinks he has with me. I feel that I am over him. Man, did that take a long time!

I finally heard from my whining friend. She kept writing "sorry IF I hurt your feelings." What's this IF crap? I told her she did. I guess IF she really doesn't want to admit to herself that she hurts others feelings, that'll be her problem. As long as I can see that, it's not my problem. I told her that I hope she realizes I can't be around the drinking because it could cause me to drink again. The thought that I might want to is gone, but alcoholism is a cruel disease, not only to others but to those of us recovering from it too. Keep a protected heart, nrblonde, with CD. With him being new to AA, he's a danger to your mind if he's not totally committed to it. That is SOOOO special of your ex's new wife to pray for him! Actually, I don't go to church. I was raised going to church & Sunday school, but I like spirituality much better. I talked with my sponsor today about it. If anyone else is reading this, IT'S ONLY MY OPINION!! The beliefs I held from church is where alot of my shame came from. It seemed that trying so hard to live Christlike was impossible for me and when I couldn't do it, I got so down on myself. I prefer to know God as a loving, kind and forgiving Being. I believe in Jesus, that He died for our sins, etc, but I don't believe anyone can live like He did without feeling so ashamed that all we want to do is die. I believe God wants us to be happy, be peaceful and share what we can with those who also want it. Some people are so stuck in their negative ways that they make it impossible for us to be around them without dragging us into their hell. And when we allow it, because we're trying so hard to help them, that's the definition of codependency.

I told **** that someday, I will make a good partner for someone who's gone through this process too, and since he's unwilling right now, I have to move on. His response was "Good luck with your next partner, or should I say flavor of the month?" That was it! Any little bit of sympathy I had left for him was gone. We've been apart for 6 months and I haven't even been on a date yet! I realize his statement glows with jealousy, but jeez, to imply that I'm a wh*** just doesn't fly with me!

April 26, 2004
9:11 am
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I agree with what your saying about the Christianity thing. My father always used to say, "There was only one perfect man and look what they did to him!"

CD keeps telling me that the drinking really isn't a problem. He keeps minimizing it. Every time I bring it up, he tries to change the subject. I'm still not having much luck finding an Al-Anon meeting that I can go to. If my parents watch my son, they'll give me the 3rd degree about everything that went on at the meeting and forcing their opinions on me. I did tell CD's mother and father that I would go to a meeting with them if they wanted to. CD's therapist told them that it would be a good idea for them to go.

How can I tell if he's committed to AA??

April 26, 2004
9:43 am
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Right now, drinking might not be a problem for him, per se. He's got the support of AA and what's called the pink cloud. It's the relief of not being a complete slave to alcohol. You'll know he's not truly committed to AA if he starts whining that he can't drink, doesn't call his sponsor when he wants to drink; he should be calling his sponsor everyday, reading AA books, brochures, and goes to meetings quite often, several per week. It's possible he doesn't have a sponsor yet, so maybe he doesn't know he should be doing these things. Encourage him to get one, if he doesn't have one, but don't nag him about it. Al-Anon tip: It's OK to make A suggestion, but leave it at that. It's his responsibility to get and keep himself sober. You should be able to see a difference in his attitude. Sometimes it takes awhile for the self pity to go away, but if he's doing those things, it will.

Keep searching for meetings for yourself. Until you find a good one, there are things you can do yourself. Find websites and books on self-esteem, remind yourself of things you like to do, do them, and keep vigilent about it. This really helps(you'll hear it at meetings):

In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simply say: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done."

April 26, 2004
10:32 am
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He was telling me that he needs to get a sponsor.

His attitude is great right now. Very positive and upbeat most of the time.
But I still have my doubts and don't totally trust that he's ready for help.

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